Jesus I am feeling a little lost this morning. Argh.
 
So Jesus, what are You doing today? 
Walking by a river.
Cool.
Want to come? 
Okay.
Who am I?
God.
So what about all your thoughts and worries?
I figure if I stay focused on You things will stay the proper size.
So can you do that? 
With Your help lol.
Here's a rock throw it in.

  In the river, the rock is completely immersed by the water.  It becomes a small part of the river bed but pretty much at the mercy of the water, moved by it; gradually shaped by it.
Sit with Me here. Where are we?
We are sitting on a boulder looking at the river as it runs by, we can enter it or not, we can drink it or not, we hear it. With all it's strength and seeming endlessness we are not controlled by it.
It's rather exciting being with You there is so much enjoyment, freedom, possibilities.  I like being with You.
Then stay with Me. Tired? Stay closer.  

 Love you Jesus. morning of Oct. 12/11

Well Jesus I made it through this day amazingly well... especially considering I've been on the doorstep of being sick.  I think I managed to stay out of the river and stay by Your side instead. By Your grace alone. :) Have I mentioned that I love You lately? I really, really do.  Interesting, that water holds so many lessons... I like what that book has to say... about the impact of a life lived with eternity as a focus instead of the present world. Nice. I think that was what today was all about.

journal entry night of Oct. 12/11

Morning Jesus this week has zoomed by and it is crazy how little I have come to sit down by You.
So how are You doing? How are You feeling? What has been happening?

    I sit on the edge of my chair eager to hear anything You share. This makes You smile. I like that. I saw You yesterday Jesus. :) It was in a look of JJ's while she sang and it was in the exchange of looks between a couple... I cannot describe just how beautiful that was. It nearly takes my breath away. Huh. I really love You. I reach out to touch You... I touch Your knee and then You offer Your hand. I grasp it in both of mine and sigh, I cannot get enough of You. I look up again into Your eyes and look... really look, at what You are saying. I love my people so bad it hurts... I ache for the time that all is as it is intended and You are all here where I have prepared a place for you. You are here with Me. I don't just see you, I feel... I know the pain you are walking through, I hear your cries of brokenness and loss. The heat of rage is not lost I feel it's intensity as it courses throughout your body. The tragedy of being wrapped in a blindfold of lies and what it wroughts out in your life ... I watch, I reach out, I speak truth that heals and frees, I speak a truth that rebukes and binds up the dark, I speak truth. I speak love. ... can you hear me? are you listening? Ache for Me... as I ache for you! 
   Oh that my arms are like the arms of all your Beloved... I stand up and move onto Your lap so that I can wrap You up in an embrace. I hold You with firmness, I hold You with purpose, I hold You in love. Oh that I could love You more. I draw back and touch Your face. You are so beautiful... how You can carry such depth of love and know such pain yet reflect such peace and love and joy... it's crazy to wrap my mind around. Your eyes smile at me ... what an amazing honor it is having this  relationship with You... one that You don't need but You want.  Huh. 

Oct 8/10... journal entry.

   I don't have much inside, Jesus, but I know I'd love to meet.

   If we were on a boat... we'd be where we can see no land. The sun would be warm and bright with the occasional clouds giving relief.  For a while, we lie down in the bottom of the boat and let the waves rock us. The sounds of the water against the boat and the movement soon put me fast asleep.
   In my dream we are standing in the dark then You reach for my hand and we start walking. When we sit down You are holding a ball of light between Your hands. You hold it up higher with one hand and with the other catch a drop of light that falls from it. Setting down the ball we come very close and look intently at the drop. People are walking by or running, sometimes with another, sometimes alone. There are hills of green grass and a very big leafy tree atop the highest hill. You incline Your ear to hear the softly spoken words of someone under the tree.  I mimic You and listen in too. The words are heavy with the deepest sincerity and urgency. They long for Your presence. 
   We are suddenly right there beside them.  As they lift up their voice to You, Father, Jesus too joins in and speaks in a tongue that eloquently and with complete understanding, intercedes for them. 

... journal entry...Oct 4/10

My head hurts Jesus and I didn't get a letter from You.

I realize that in the absence of physical things there hides a richer reality that far outweighs. I realize that You are my best friend and so much more. I hate that when I have a week that is far away, for it is just that. I miss You but even though my tears come I am thankful for what I don't have. I am thankful that in what I lack I am learning to come to You for. I am thankful that You honor me with that relationship.

I am sorry when I am late.

Oct. 1/10

Okay so I need to wrap this concept around in my wee little mind. 

I am, truly, NOT the main (character) person in life. 

God...You are. 

Hmmmm.

Sept. 29/10

   I don't know how to feel today... It is one of the first Sunday's in a while that I have felt so out of sorts. I used to feel like this all the time. Jesus I am kind of lost... enough that I don't even know what to talk about. How about You talk? Or we can meet and just share the silence together. 

   We are at the end of a long pier. There is built in seats along the railing but we climb up on the railing and sit down looking out across the water. The regular rhythm of the tide is nagging at the edge of our conscious awareness because our thoughts cast us out far... and wide... and deep. I know I am far too aware of myself, of spinning thoughts that circle and point to me, me, me. I am not happy here nor content. The crazy thing is I don't even really know what I am going on about yet it strands me on an island of discontent where the weeds of poor me grow strong and tall. I look over at You and want to ask... will You rescue me from here? Will You take me away from this place? Or do we need to talk about why I am here first? Your look is serious like You really want me to understand and know what You are about to say. Remember ... think about what I have been telling you lately. Well one of the strongest lessons is that under Your obvious authority and power we can exist in an almost unexplainable freedom that doesn't depend on circumstance or others or even ourselves.

...Sept 26/10 journal entry...

His footfalls pounded in a rush of fear

Sending frenzied clouds of dust up in the stale dead air

He fights his way away from what threatens to suffocate

Killing that part of him he's hung onto

With tired and bleeding hands

Breaking out of the prison of invisible bars

He gulps in the night air filled with promise but mixed with the fallen

tears streaming down his face

He continues to run towards the light

Scared to blink that it might disappear he presses on

Despite the yelling and catcalls

He suddenly breaks into the circle of light; he stops

It's as if a hush has fallen upon the world

A single note calls out in a purity that hits his very heart

He answers back walking deeper into the light

He disappears as he is immersed in what he has known all along

The melodic and harmonic, minors and accidentals

Blending into a masterpiece of the Divine.

The mournful wail of the one left in the dirty corridor

Sounds in the discordant way of despondency and despair

Choosing not to leave

The familiarity of this broken lost way.


Sept 23/10
Hey Jesus... I love it when You help me really listen.  I want to say with every fibre of my being... thank You.