I have a story to tell. I am not a great orator and so I must rely on words... written words. I want to share with you about a journey I embarked upon during last year's lent season. Despite a many "are you really sure God?" conversations it became very clear that I was to give up dwelling on past mistakes and regrets. Interestingly I was almost immediately challenged by a friend with the question ... is that even really possible? I told them I'd get back to them and let them know.
   There is a part of me ... a rather sad part I admit... that was seemingly stuck in living over and over my failures and my regrets. I would pull them out at the strangest of times and for that time I would be immersed in my reliving the scene and rehearsed speeches; my "if only I had another chance" and my apologies. And please understand there are curious things we carry as regret not all are big moments that involved others some are just something you know you didn't do when you should have. As small as not doing a play during a basketball practice in high school and why. Oh and God totally set this up let me assure you. Driving back home from Mexico we had FRS radios between our vehicles and so would be able to talk to one another. My brother-in-law and I got into a conversation about fear (as I was anxious at the border crossing) and how we let it live in our lives without us even raising an eyebrow at it in fact we makes plans around it and to accommodate it so it won't be disturbed let alone routed. And what that says about us... do we actually realize whose we are? Who God is?

  Around the same time as God challenged me to give up my regrets and failures for lent I was deeply impacted by the words of Brother Lawrence. He became so aware of the presence of God that it affected everything in his life. He came to do absolutely everything for the love of God. Even a mundane task of sweeping or peeling potatoes in the kitchen. Here's a few lines from the book; one about him being kept in constant awareness of God's presence "if he sometimes strays from this Divine presence, God immediately recalls him by communicating with him through the Holy Spirit. This often happens to him when he is busiest with his work. He responds faithfully to God's calling, either by offering his heart to God, by a tender , loving look, or by some affectionate words, such as, "my God, I am all Yours; do what You will with me." Then, it is almost as if this God of love returns to his soul to rest again, satisfied with these few words. and the second excerpt is about sin. "Brother Lawrence was aware of his sins and was not at all surprised by them. "That is my nature," he would say, "the only thing I know how to do" He simply confessed his sins to God, without pleading with Him or making excuses. After this, he was able to peacefully resume his regular activity of love and adoration."

   So I took some time and have to say struggled to grasp what it meant to do everything for the love of God and In love to Him. Cooking, cleaning, shop work... but I started to apply it even though I was only hanging on to it by my fingernails. And here is what I found... freedom. I found that when I cooked a supper for the love of God ... doing my very best... my feelings of worthiness of happiness didn't rest in my waiting to hear someone from my family tell me they thought it was good or to thank me... I already felt the joy of doing it for Him. This released my family from an expectation they probably didn't even know I was holding. It took the pride and the feeling of rejection completely out of the picture because I was already content in Him.

   Now let's get back to the wheel of regret (I cannot present one without the other because they are so interwoven) Now... when an all too common thought of regret came it was almost as if it were in neon lights it was just that obvious and so instead of entertaining it and pouring us tea... I turned to Jesus and said ... well here I am this is what I do. Jesus if there is anything You want to teach me through this or want me to repent of please point it out and help me deal with that otherwise Jesus please help me only look at You instead. Now I am not kidding you... He did it. Instead of wasting time I kept my focus on Him and it was gone. I cannot describe the excitement the amazement I felt each time this happened. Now He continued to deepen this lesson for me and pointed out that we can also be distracted and oh so cleverly guided into that "all about me" category by not just negative things but positive things too. We do something right and good with Jesus but then take on ourselves the responsibility of doing it again. I must admit the lesson was a tough one but it was very clear. In that realization my eyes were opened to whole lot more; this living and having it be all about Him instead of all about me was not just neatly boxed and categorized in my life and one of the biggest things was fear.

   Now many months have gone by and I was reminded again of these lessons I thought I'd learned why? well it wasn't because I was living them instead ... there was a moment this summer that saw I not only had forgotten to live this way but I was back to being completely immersed in me. The shock of that thought gave me instant perspective I tell you. But let me fast forward to a week ago. I was at home one day and had come to see an 'argghh I messed up' and was feeling bad about it I was about to on and on about it when Jesus pulled me up short and said hey ... do you just want to deal with it right now and then we can be done with it? And I responded ummmm yah ... A few days after that it happened again I messed up and was going down the beat myself up road when again Jesus stopped me and asked... hey you can go down that road but would you rather just deal with it here and now and be done? There was something that clicked that time. It was like a light bulb went on. OH... you mean I can actually live this way? Yes. I don't have to go back to the only ways I know? I can actually live beyond myself ... I can actually live in You? Yes. oh okay yes I would like that! Now the overwhelming sense of joy that flooded me in this moment of realization is beyond words and I also had the sense that with that understanding it was time for another step ... another season of lent ... but after explaining this to a friend the thought that came was perhaps it shouldn't be so much a time of giving up but of doing. The sacrifice of time and activity to do something. A commitment to pray or discipline of reading the Word, a learning to do things out of love for Him... to talk to Him more and more.

   All of this is to say we have an awful lot of stuff in our lives that are dead. Things we shouldn't be carrying or allowing to distract us from our God that has given the ultimate sacrifice for us... has already made the way ... has died and risen that we might live in freedom... how many of us are still bound by regret of what we've done or not done... would not the words of do not worry fall into this same category for who of you by worrying adds even one hour to your life?  These are life stealers. How about our fears? Fear of rejection that ties our hands when we really want to reach out and give someone a hug? fear of not being good enough? fear of not being perfect? fear of???? How many of us only live half way? because we adapted to living with that dead thing for so long perhaps we are even blinded to what is holding us back from the freedom of actually living in Him ? Living beyond ourselves cause guess what it isn't all about me... it's all about Him.