Dear Reader... this is a journal entry from way back, on the 10th of November. There are a few reasons I want to post this. I heard an echo of this in my journal this morning and it reinforced to me the need for taking time just to be with Jesus without an agenda.

Hey Jesus, I know I have taken a long time to come to You. I am not sure why since I've been talking to You so much during the days. But I have been frozen too... the reaction of being overwhelmed when I am not sure why. I am not sure that I am. The overload may be more so, that I know You are showing me something that feels like it has ALOT of weight and significance, and with that first 'ahhh' I'm almost scared to look because I know it is going to be a flood???? (insecure?)
I am also a little curious... yesterday I was looking at what I have been doing for a while now. I have been literally crying out to be with You all day. The hunger for You is heavy in my chest... I literally ache for wanting You. Okay. So I was thinking... what of that? Is that You? I mean, I know I am to want You and desire to be spending all my time with You... but am I also receiving You as You want me to? You know what I mean? Of course You do, lol! Yes, crying out is good but what am I to do with that? Is this time showing me the depth of my need for You?

Jesus I am back, and although it is a different day I want to pick up where we were last night. How do we do that? Am I stalling at a step? I am already working quickly within you... do you need to rush through voicing your need and desire of Me? No. I say again, no. I am always in that state of dependence and need! Hmmmm. There is a real gift in it, isn't there. :) In my deepest parts and in my time of deepest need... it is YOU that I am calling out for. For only You can fill that need. In hearing it voiced, even with my own voice, I am claiming that spot for You alone. To let another or any thing try to fill it would not be allowed, without such an outcry from my being. On a mental, emotional and spiritual level I would know it as an impostor. I am learning to let You have control. I am learning to let You be real while here in this confusing (realm) that is constantly crying out for you... from creation to created.

part 2 of the valley...

It is almost eleven at night and I just have to quickly write down what happened to me (us) today. All the way down to Red Deer I could not wipe the smile off my face. I kept seeing us walking through the valley together laughing, climbing, going across the water, sitting beside the river, lying down in a sun spot. It was so real... and amazing. I felt what I saw and I was filled with a deep contentment or being in almost a constant state of being enraptured by You and being with You. So I want to thank You with all that I am... the size of this mercy, this gift is so beyond everything but I receive it humbly and with an even greater appetite. I want more and more of living like this. Huh. It is beyond words and description.

Dear Reader, I don't mean to miss a couple days but I am led to share my meeting with Jesus on July 16... this is half way through my journal entry that day. One more thing, Reader, if ever I mention something in my journals that refer to another time or meeting and you want to hear more about it ... let me know I am more than willing to share.

... So Jesus I'm here wanting to just be with You today. What and where? I can't wait for more! Hang on... I just have to write this thought down. That movie is a picture of You and me, (the way You revealed it) and in the way You showed me through the bits and pieces that strike me so deeply.... huh... I am led to ask... so were You putting a face, in a physical form for... me? If I think I am understanding this right I am so literally blown away. You would do something that extravagant for me cause I KNOW You would... but You did it! Wow, talk about sitting stunned before the computer. I love You Jesus. I love You. Don't let me even turn my face away from You for a moment ( I know You are forever faithful). Ray has given me seven minutes till we leave... love that eh? Seven! Could we spend that seven minutes together? Yah let's be on a bench; the bench we were on with Don. Okay! I absolutely cannot wipe the smile off my face.... oh my Holy Holy God I love You so much.

We are sitting and looking out over the ledge into the deep deep valley that holds such wondrous things. I will never forget the experience here. I look at You and You point down at the trees that seem forever away. I follow where You are pointing... the evergreens down here are enormous. They are literal giants that seem like they are sleeping decade after decade, even century after century, yet they are growing silently upward and out and without us seeing roots burrow outward and down, outward and down anchoring their massive weight and size. These trees and not so close together that there is no light down here. They are spread out enough that a beautiful green filtered light pierces down. The ground however is hopelessly lost to growing grass and instead carpets itself with needles and moss and that soft dirt that makes the most wonderful walking trails. Of course the spindly wild flowers surge up as they do and tufts of low lying flowers crop up randomly to delight the passerby. Which right now is us. We look up at the massive tree and I am totally taken with the light and how as it comes through the boughs. It's line is disrupted, being caught by the branch but lets another ray pick up the descent beside where it has been stopped.

Singing to the little girl in the village

Journal entry... July 12, 2010

Morning Jesus, that was an interesting side trip out to check on the horses... lol. I just want to take this time before the day gets into full swing because I want each of my kids to feel and know You through me, my actions and reactions. On my walk out to the back of the pasture there was one glimpse of the most beautiful light that made the long, wet walk so worthwhile. Some of the morning light had a chance to sneak through the clouds... but only for a moment. It lit up everything in that morning gold. The horses, the grass (which became a deeper more vibrant green in its presence) and the tiny yellow flowers on their long stems nodding beside the path. Wow it was breathtaking! Thank You for that moment.

Where do You want to go Jesus? Let's sing for her. Okay!
So we sit facing one another on the boulder. There is a light breeze that carries the deep and wonderful scents of the forest to us... there is light but it is dappled and moving as the trees sway in the breeze. I am not sure if I can describe this but we begin to sing. Jesus first and then I add harmony at times and join with His notes where it so obviously calls for it. We sit gazing into each other's eyes singing and feeling so deeply the sounds we are sharing and blending. I know each note, every rise and fall, are speaking a story, a truth. I am unaware of all the surrounds us while we sing even though I know it for another.
While we sang the little girl came so carefully and slowly out of her hut. She sat very purposefully out of sight yet so near. She faces away from us as she sits with her back against a huge stump of an ancient tree. Here she closed her eyes and listened. In the warmth and safety of the music she curled up and drifted off to a sleep she has not known for so long. One of rest and peace, not fear. Of soundness instead of a sleep broken by shards of anxiety and nightmares. Jesus gets up off the boulder now and moves around the tree. Seeing her He ever so gently picks her up and holds her. I can tell by His every movement and look that He has longed to do this so often. Such tenderness as He rocks her back and forth... gazing into her now untroubled face. I suddenly know what to do. I quickly go to her hut, flinging open the door, for I don't know how much time I have. I immediately look for a window to open. I grab a broom and sweep the dirt floor of all it's stale and dead litter... I get down to a new layer as the old is swept right out onto the forest floor. I find some fragrant branches and carry them in. I make a leafy bed next to the old and unused fire pit in the center of the room. I stand up and look around, I can already sense a freshness chasing away the stagnant air. I then gather bits and pieces to make a small but cheery fire and set it all up... ready. As I come out of the hut I see Jesus coming towards me with the girl still asleep in His arms. His face seems to have a glow of delight and excitement... perhaps better put... contentment and love. He is returning from a walk through the woods with her. While she slept He spoke and whispered to her about what was surrounding her. How things looked through His eyes. Of His dreams and hopes. Of truth and love. He enters the hut and gently lays her down on the bed of leaves. Kissing her brow He stands and we walk out. Holding hands we walk away... humming.

Jesus speaking in the dark

journal entry... July 11/10

Before I go to blog Jesus, I need to come to You and spend some time with You. I love what I experienced in the body (of Christ) today. It was good what he shared about bitterness and it's roots and fruit... to call us all on it. Then to have that moment of loving her on behalf of us all was truly a growing up moment. But right now I just want to come to You. Again, I lay down myself and my happenings and just wait for You. Where are we Jesus? I don't see anything but black Jesus. I think, however, it is because we are in the dark.
We are lying down and just listening. We are lying in opposite directions with our heads together. The only thing that joins us is that we are holding one another's hand. You know what this is like? What? When you release things into my hands. It is then a time to let go. You are then no longer asked to see and understand, or to think you need to be apart of or control... to let go. Just giving it to Me and letting it disappear from your known realm as it comes into my Hands. This darkness represents trust.
I am also showing you why it needs to be dark sometimes. Sometimes darkness reminds you that it is Me that is in control... and that I am better at it than you.
And sometimes darkness is a gift... it allows you to let go. Kind of like giving you permission which is giving you back the freedom you should have been living in.
Remind me of this darkness. When I forget to separate the sin from the person. When I accept living in fear and stress and anxiety. When I am open and hurt and start the cycle of looking for what I didn't get, from someone other than You, and pile on layer after layer which buries the very thing that needs to be exposed to be free. No, sin isn't alright but it Yours to judge and we are not asked to carry it... so remind me of this darkness when I need to forgive and put it completely back into Your hands.

journal entry July 10/10

So Jesus I am here before worship practice and although I wanted to come earlier I didn't. I have so much I want to do with You but first I want to stop and let You choose. Where do You want to meet? What do You want to do? I close my eyes willing myself to put aside my own things, my own desires...

We are sitting on a big rock in the village just outside the city. I haven't been here in so long. My eyes eagerly seek out what I remember... the hut transformed, the walkway, the man; but this isn't what I am here for is it. So I close my eyes again and wait... when I open them up again I sence several things. First, in a beam of sunlight that falls across one of the many branches, I see a very small songbird. It is facing the sun. Second, it is very quiet and empty here, in a way that makes it feel like a hush has literally fallen upon this place... tangible and thick. Is it in fear, pain or is it the opposite.... a Holy hush? Who is here Jesus?
In one of the huts the door sits slightly ajar... just enough to catch a ray of light. Inside the hut just beyond the light's reach sits a little girl. She is dirty and ragged from her sleep that has lasted so long amidst the dirt and leaves. Although she yearns for the light to touch her skin, she stays just out of arms length of it, yet she rebels against her self-imposed rules by facing the direction of the light and watching the little bird on the branch. Barely breathing, she sits completely taken with the bird and it's every move. It flits about in the ways of wee little birds, movements so slight you wonder if you even saw it. Then the little bird seems to pause and for a moment drinks in the light; then it bursts out into a song that snatches away the little girl's breath. She is shocked at the break in the stillness, the silence and is grateful that she is still hidden so that no one can accuse her of not being worthy to watch and listen. She closes her eyes tightly but soaks up something else... a desire for more.
We sit on the boulder till that last light fades away then I watch You get up and walk towards the hut. While walking around the hut You take away and move certain branches. I see the little girl, not asleep, but curled up waiting. Waiting for what more is. That is when I see why You have moved the branches. A beam of moonlight, as bright as I can ever remember, streams into the hut from a hole near the top and it's fingers reach and rest right on her arm and shoulder. The light holds deep significance; so deep that it almost has a touch.... she slowly raises her other hand to touch it's presence on her arm... as if to hold it captive as her own. I do not know what Jesus is saying as He walks around her hut but I wonder about His protective presence... His heart and His love coming out with each breath and in each step.

Coming back to be with Jesus

Dear Reader,
It feels like a season has passed by where I have forgotten to really come to Jesus just to be with Him. This is me, coming back.

Jesus I am here on a hurting morning... I feel two kinds of loss. One of unimportance and disregard; a loss of 'special-ness'. The other is a loss of connection - no longer with the ability to reach out and love this soul. It is really sad. So with my heart just as it is I am coming to sit with You. You told me a long time ago that You'd always be there, all through the day, on the bench waiting for me. As I walk up to the bench You rise and turn. You walk towards me with a smile on Your face but compassion in Your expression. You are saying " Don't be sad little One." You take my hand and turn me into a dance. It is so cool how even as we seem to float around the bench turning, swaying, moving at times so swiftly yet with such a tender touch... You are even still, able to make me feel that I am being held so closely so firmly by Your hands and Your heart. You don't let even a hint of sadness in. Looking into my eyes, you smile and laugh then You sigh with contentment. How? No matter. That is not a question for now.
We are now sitting on the edge of a building, I know this place well we've been up here on this roof many times ... we are in our city. We let what we are seeing literally soak in. The crazy deep wildness of the trees and deep greens touched with gold, red, orange and yellows to our right and ultimately surrounding this whole place. The street below is quiet, clean, empty... the doors of the buildings I see are sitting open; windows too. And although I hadn't felt it a breeze moves in and out. It picks up the curtains every now and again and pulling them out of the open window like a call, to those who might pass by, to come in. The windows, however, will not betray what is inside... they give no hints of what is waiting within. And yet they call. I reach over and grasp Your hand not wanting to do anything but remain as close as I can to You.
There is a huge canvas behind us and pots of every color imaginable beneath it. We look at each other and smile, then laugh... YES! At first with reckless abandon we grab handfuls of paint and throw, hurl, toss, sprinkle and smear the colors across the white... it bursts out in color and emotion. The canvas is then washed over by a yellow that seems to move as a wave of the ocean as it covers. What is painted next is not done with our hands but with our hearts.