Journal entry Sept. 10, 2009...
So here goes... some curious facts today... I couldn't find my mp3 new testament so while working in the shop I was wondering if in fact You just wanted to talk? I'm afraid my listening ears aren't very good yet but You'll get me there. :) Was I just to hear that You wanted my attention? If so thank You for helping me sense that. (You delight me) While I am here using my fingers is there anything You want to say? Hmmm. Those words You gave my cousin for me were so wild. Thank You Jesus. Thinking about them, is there anything else You are saying with them? Is there more? It kind of feels like You are affirming where I am but that it is going to evolve into more ... now that changes have taken place within and still are... hmmm. While on the 'not sure' topic... I want to thank You for the excitement or what would be a better word... adventure? in taking on someone else's pain. I don't know to what extent You had this play out but it doesn't really matter. In it You have taught me to love at the presence of pain. Whenever You had my back hurt, I mostly (opps, sorry for the slip last night) related it to instant prayer for that person. And not the name dropping prayer but the heart cry, set them free and heal them prayer. So whether or not I actually took any pain on behalf of this person, a great blessing has been bestowed upon me in the midst of it all. A long time ago now, I thought I heard You ask me to do this and I just didn't know where to go with it and when I did try to explain it to someone else... it was not received well. But really, I figure, if You ask something of me... You will also help me do it in the strength and purpose of Your Spirit. It gives a new meaning to suffer for another and have nothing but joy to do it. I guess with my slip up last night in worrying about myself instead of praying and then worrying about getting my work done if... I unconsciously have tested a wee bit that when it is left in Your hands and purposes I wasn't plagued at all with selfish thoughts or worries and I only was grateful to be called to pray. Wild really when I look back. Wow, You really are cool. And You know... in listening to Your life in the gospels You did stuff over and over that others just didn't get. You kept healing on the Sabbath.. oh the frustration to the established ways ...lol... and really in this we can humanly reason out alot but like some of Your acts, perhaps this is just one of those things that isn't a way to be set up and followed in 'these circumstances' but that You are God; You are unlimited and You are as more wildly diverse than the grains of sand on the shores of the sea. Why not follow Your Spirit and be free to heal, to love, to connect in whatever way You ask of us? In these wildly unknown ways You do not seem to leave us wondering if it is You. I think, although there is often a complete lack of reason or understanding of why or future results, it comes with a soul knowing somehow. Hmmm that reminds me of the place in the city. Where would that be in my journals Jesus?

Here is a flashback ...it is in March...

Hey Jesus I am back. Thanks. So back to where I was before. I have some wonderings that I don't even really have the words for. While reading I flashed to Your words about my friends not having much time. Strange or not I wondered for the first time if it was necessarily their time that was short. But perhaps mine? Or mine with them? Or mine here? That got me to thinking or wondering if how sometimes Your words mean one thing at one time and then as You open our eyes it actually reveals much more to Your words and messages. Jesus I want to hear from You and be with You so badly. Can we meet? I really really want to... does that also mean that I need to? I guess not always eh? Where could we meet? Why not in our city? Really? I would love to!!! I have been anxious about getting back there! As we walk down the street I already know what we are going to see... neat... it's a new shop. We walk side by side, my hand in Yours and I can hardly contain myself (what a kid I am) I jump in front of You and reach up to hug You tightly. "Thank You" I whisper into Your ear... then I cannot contain the laughter that bubbles up inside!!! Where is it? Is it by the music shop that spills into the street? I think it is. We come up to the shop and I look inside knowing that it is a place that delights the deepest part of our knowing... it's a place of revelation. Oh this is just too amazing. There is no door... the shop front opens up like the music store but it very much seems to have boundaries. You know when you are in but to come in and out doesn't feel like a barrier ... it's very welcoming in this way... kind of like embracing you when you are in but releasing you too with a type of blessing when you leave. Hmmmm. The place keeps shifting so it is very hard to describe ...it's more of a soul knowing place... not a eye and mind comprehending place. For instance.. for a moment it is dark and solemn but then the art work on the walls are the kinds of pictures that you fall into because you experience what is being depicted ... then there are words everywhere. Beautiful, beautiful words... soft, bold, overlapping, light gray to black... it feels good to be here and there aren't any requirements to being here either...because You delight in people coming here. You are everywhere aren't You. I think You are at the back of the store and there is a small pot light shining down on You. You are in a comfortable discussing chair and there is another one, empty, beside You. I cannnot smile any bigger as I know I get to sit there. We scoot the chairs as close as we can cause You know I want to touch while we talk. Knees to knees we sit, just looking at one another. I reach up and touch Your face and You smile then reach out with both of Yours and hold my face in Your hands. There is nothing saying it's time to stop there is no barrier that disallows anything cause You are... You are everything... desire, thought, love, wisdom, softness, Majesty, passion; You are the completeness of all of me and my world. Just being here is telling my soul soft songs of who I am and who You are. I am soaking it all up. We hold each other's hands and just laugh ... oh... this is the laughter that you can't get enough of. It's the kind of laughter that You can't get out enough of it either! It is contagious and pure. I can't stay in my chair anymore. I sit with You... curling comfortably up in Your lap. And we just sit and watch the room as it shifts; light and color play and it highlights something different each time. There are some things, Tam, that you just need to watch and note. There are some things that for a season don't need to be asked about cause it's okay just to witness and soak it up till the new season requires the download and understanding and revelation of what you have seen. Of what, strangely, I have already whispered to you and you didn't realize. Right I'm okay with that. I really am okay with whatever You require (that my mind can comprehend) and this time says that to me. Wow do I love You Jesus. I know.. I love you Tam.