Journal entry Sept. 10, 2009...
So here goes... some curious facts today... I couldn't find my mp3 new testament so while working in the shop I was wondering if in fact You just wanted to talk? I'm afraid my listening ears aren't very good yet but You'll get me there. :) Was I just to hear that You wanted my attention? If so thank You for helping me sense that. (You delight me) While I am here using my fingers is there anything You want to say? Hmmm. Those words You gave my cousin for me were so wild. Thank You Jesus. Thinking about them, is there anything else You are saying with them? Is there more? It kind of feels like You are affirming where I am but that it is going to evolve into more ... now that changes have taken place within and still are... hmmm. While on the 'not sure' topic... I want to thank You for the excitement or what would be a better word... adventure? in taking on someone else's pain. I don't know to what extent You had this play out but it doesn't really matter. In it You have taught me to love at the presence of pain. Whenever You had my back hurt, I mostly (opps, sorry for the slip last night) related it to instant prayer for that person. And not the name dropping prayer but the heart cry, set them free and heal them prayer. So whether or not I actually took any pain on behalf of this person, a great blessing has been bestowed upon me in the midst of it all. A long time ago now, I thought I heard You ask me to do this and I just didn't know where to go with it and when I did try to explain it to someone else... it was not received well. But really, I figure, if You ask something of me... You will also help me do it in the strength and purpose of Your Spirit. It gives a new meaning to suffer for another and have nothing but joy to do it. I guess with my slip up last night in worrying about myself instead of praying and then worrying about getting my work done if... I unconsciously have tested a wee bit that when it is left in Your hands and purposes I wasn't plagued at all with selfish thoughts or worries and I only was grateful to be called to pray. Wild really when I look back. Wow, You really are cool. And You know... in listening to Your life in the gospels You did stuff over and over that others just didn't get. You kept healing on the Sabbath.. oh the frustration to the established ways ...lol... and really in this we can humanly reason out alot but like some of Your acts, perhaps this is just one of those things that isn't a way to be set up and followed in 'these circumstances' but that You are God; You are unlimited and You are as more wildly diverse than the grains of sand on the shores of the sea. Why not follow Your Spirit and be free to heal, to love, to connect in whatever way You ask of us? In these wildly unknown ways You do not seem to leave us wondering if it is You. I think, although there is often a complete lack of reason or understanding of why or future results, it comes with a soul knowing somehow. Hmmm that reminds me of the place in the city. Where would that be in my journals Jesus?

Here is a flashback ...it is in March...

Hey Jesus I am back. Thanks. So back to where I was before. I have some wonderings that I don't even really have the words for. While reading I flashed to Your words about my friends not having much time. Strange or not I wondered for the first time if it was necessarily their time that was short. But perhaps mine? Or mine with them? Or mine here? That got me to thinking or wondering if how sometimes Your words mean one thing at one time and then as You open our eyes it actually reveals much more to Your words and messages. Jesus I want to hear from You and be with You so badly. Can we meet? I really really want to... does that also mean that I need to? I guess not always eh? Where could we meet? Why not in our city? Really? I would love to!!! I have been anxious about getting back there! As we walk down the street I already know what we are going to see... neat... it's a new shop. We walk side by side, my hand in Yours and I can hardly contain myself (what a kid I am) I jump in front of You and reach up to hug You tightly. "Thank You" I whisper into Your ear... then I cannot contain the laughter that bubbles up inside!!! Where is it? Is it by the music shop that spills into the street? I think it is. We come up to the shop and I look inside knowing that it is a place that delights the deepest part of our knowing... it's a place of revelation. Oh this is just too amazing. There is no door... the shop front opens up like the music store but it very much seems to have boundaries. You know when you are in but to come in and out doesn't feel like a barrier ... it's very welcoming in this way... kind of like embracing you when you are in but releasing you too with a type of blessing when you leave. Hmmmm. The place keeps shifting so it is very hard to describe ...it's more of a soul knowing place... not a eye and mind comprehending place. For instance.. for a moment it is dark and solemn but then the art work on the walls are the kinds of pictures that you fall into because you experience what is being depicted ... then there are words everywhere. Beautiful, beautiful words... soft, bold, overlapping, light gray to black... it feels good to be here and there aren't any requirements to being here either...because You delight in people coming here. You are everywhere aren't You. I think You are at the back of the store and there is a small pot light shining down on You. You are in a comfortable discussing chair and there is another one, empty, beside You. I cannnot smile any bigger as I know I get to sit there. We scoot the chairs as close as we can cause You know I want to touch while we talk. Knees to knees we sit, just looking at one another. I reach up and touch Your face and You smile then reach out with both of Yours and hold my face in Your hands. There is nothing saying it's time to stop there is no barrier that disallows anything cause You are... You are everything... desire, thought, love, wisdom, softness, Majesty, passion; You are the completeness of all of me and my world. Just being here is telling my soul soft songs of who I am and who You are. I am soaking it all up. We hold each other's hands and just laugh ... oh... this is the laughter that you can't get enough of. It's the kind of laughter that You can't get out enough of it either! It is contagious and pure. I can't stay in my chair anymore. I sit with You... curling comfortably up in Your lap. And we just sit and watch the room as it shifts; light and color play and it highlights something different each time. There are some things, Tam, that you just need to watch and note. There are some things that for a season don't need to be asked about cause it's okay just to witness and soak it up till the new season requires the download and understanding and revelation of what you have seen. Of what, strangely, I have already whispered to you and you didn't realize. Right I'm okay with that. I really am okay with whatever You require (that my mind can comprehend) and this time says that to me. Wow do I love You Jesus. I know.. I love you Tam.

Hello dear Reader... it has been so long since I have shared but there has been so much that has been going on within (thanks, Jesus... for never leaving me) So I am going to post something from a while ago in my journals... eventually more will come out I'm sure and add depth to this but for now here goes...

Jesus here I am. :) I absolutely know I need sleep and should already be in bed but I just had to come to You. Oh my Jesus I love You so deeply , so much , so with all that I am that I just had to write to You and tell You. You make my heart so full and aching for You. I NEED YOU. After watching the movie tonight I feel like it would be so delightful to write a story. I feel that if I did You would make it meaningful... in a deep way. In a way I never would be able to, of course. You excite me Jesus , You excite me.

Oh my Holy God, I must run with You even for this moment before I lay down. I close my eyes and what do I see? I see a field that is not tame. I see edges of forests and roads that are closer to paths... I see that it is already a dim evening light... that will soon make things tricky to see clearly. I think we are actually on the west side of the city. As I gaze out however, my feet are still on the street. I can't turn around at all... nor do I want to, cause it is about You and me going forward... I only see myself but I feel and know You are with me. I take off hard and fast as I can running into the grass and into the wind that has just picked up. With fierce determination I work and run and keep on. It is raining and I care not... I keep going. I go into the trees and running becomes alot easier as I am on the dirt path that is leading into the darker woods. The trees are getting larger and closer together as I go... yet strangely there is a light and I know it is You. But I can't figure it out cause it is going ahead of me... while I still feel You behind me. Hmmm. I again have no desire to look really from side to side but keep on pushing forward... running faster and easier, even though my breathing is harder. My throat is starting to burn a bit but I don't care.
I come to a place that is calm and warm and while it seems dusky in light , it is a warm light. I slow to a walk and wonder what this is. There is water... a pool of it just off to the right and there is a fire flickering and snapping fairly close to the water's edge... I draw close to the fire and pool running my fingers along the trunk of a downed tree... the bark is damp and rough. I come close enough to the fire to feel it's heat and am suddenly flooded with the knowledge that You have put it here just because You love me and You are saying that with it. LOL. You are so loving and unfathomably generous.. You know I used to always ask for protection , comfort and.... warmth when me met... hmmm. My eyes however, cannot be drawn away from the water or what's beyond it. I look intently and I see ... it is You across the pool.. it's really YOU! Why is the water between us Jesus? Right away I am filled with that awe that renders me in a state of worship and love and overwhelmedness at being in Your presence but right behind it is a panic that there is this pool between us... it scares me. Jesus do I need to be afraid? Think through it... ok I CAN SEE You. You have placed a fire beside me that I know is You loving me. I was running to You alone... due You alone... You were my sole desire and I didn't look away. I felt You while I ran and although I can see You now, the stronger thing is feeling You... literally with the heat of the flames. Is it less than My arms you are used to? In a way no. Cause as soon as I felt the heat I was very touched within my soul and filled to overflowing with Your presence and awe of You. Is this a message about the future? Or is it for now? Both. You have learned a deeper lesson from the horses than You realized. You asked Me just to be Me when we went riding, just You and I.... not letting your fears put Me in any box that You did so unconsciously that you didn't see it at first. But not only that you asked Me to be bigger than you could understand and you just trusted that. This is like a furthering of that... you are accustom to how we have been meeting and yet you hang onto a desire for more. Not to be limited by writing... to find Me in a fuller, freer way that isn't limited by what you know and have experienced. I am saying that this is exciting but for you... you will feel fear when you don't 'see' Me like you are used to but like the fire is saying I am still touching you! And I will let you 'see' Me when it is needed but run after more! Pursue it! Pursue and hunger with all you are... it is My Spirit bringing that up within you. I love you Tam... I want you too! Run to Me! Run into the unknown of Me! This is a delight to Me... this is love.