Dearest Reader,
   There is something I need to give witness to.  When I take time to do my 'inner work' which is centered in giving time and attention to God in His Triune-ness.  I so often brush against the difference between my little self (or ego) and my true self.  In seeing and feeling that experience a freedom invariably comes available to me of which I can partake (or, sadly, refuse).  Knowing my little ways allows me to step back from them or be somewhat removed from their automatic reactions at which point I can choose to allow my True self to step forward and act. It's kinda surreal and it tastes so sweet.  

Journal entry... June 20/17

   Jesus, I return to the river... again.
   You invite me to jump up on Your back, so I do.  I kind of rest my head on Your shoulder as I helplessly contemplate repeatedly what is and what might be and all the hurdles I keep placing in front of myself.  I as of late have been so decidedly narcissistic that it makes my head spin.  Literally.
   And so I close my eyes.  I am not alone when I am with You.  I will do what You ask me to hopefully with a swiftness and joy I guess I need to figure out these hurdles I keep smashing into with the hopes of leaving them behind.
 
   You start to walk.  I feel Your arms tighten each time Your foot rolls on a rock or sinks in the silt. Relaxing just a quickly when  balance is restored... well that's interesting, I didn't need to react when those moments came and went, instead I could observe and experience and in my continued hold and being held by You I knew I was okay with no need to fear.

All about me... again

Dearest Reader,
   After writing today I again took time to look at previous 'meetings'.  I was struck with how close it mirrored this day.  Yes there is so much that is cyclical in life, (which is good and necessary or just is) but I also think some cycles are crying out to be broken and perhaps it begins the day you realize what pattern you are in.

June 15/16 journal entry...

    Although the wind is against me I really want to make this an art day.  My lowest expectation or goal is for an hour, anything more is astonishing.  Inside I already feel defeat, it feels like a murky gray with a dampening black swirling throughout it.  It makes me sit on the nearest rock and close my eyes.  I feel it seep into my skin and so I breathe long and slow through my nostrils and watching it's vapor come out.

   My 'You' eyes remind me that this is a perfectly acceptable place to begin today.  In the place where I can't.  Embrace it.

   This is going to be hard... my mind already has a list of other things I could do or even want to do. They are largely things that would make me 'feel' better.

   I don't know where we are Jesus and I clearly am not here for You... but I would like to change that.  I can start this without even moving... well except for a smile on my lips.  I rest my hand on Your leg, leaning on Your shoulder.

   I sing for You Jesus, with notes that rip the air like paper.  The light drips at it's edges and land all around and on us.  A harmony slips in like ink touching water... so silky and subtle but it adds color to the air we breathe.  I sadly admit I am still being narissistic but I want to make it into an offering to You.

In the middle of the storm...

Dear Reader,
   After journalling this morning I like to open my documents to see if I wrote on this day last year and this is what I found...

The wind is roaring it's angst out this morning.  It feels unsettled and a bit perturbed, almost like being pushed into high-speed train without the where when and why.

Let's sit in the middle of it

Sitting in the middle of the lawn with no protection immediately nearby, we rest our backs against one another.  Wildly our hair is pulled at and our clothes ripple and snap at their agitation.  I'm okay I think, closing my eyes to focus and remember why I am here.  Warmth seeps in despite the story being yelled and for a time everything fades back.  The strength I feel in leaning on Your back is very real.  Solid.  While the warmth tells me a sweet whispery tale of love and longing, of touching and experience in living with and among.  It's easy to stay here now, without realizing it my hand stirs the thick mixture of wonderings and awe.
 
You're still here... You are still here.

Giving in, I kind of relish the quiet of this moment amidst the now un-felt turbulence of the day.

Huh.

Operating out of 'being'

 June 10/17... journal entry...

   I sit here this morning with my newly poured coffee and having just reread last night's entry... I would like to continue here today.  I cast my mind back to the night, I don't remember my dreams but I know I woke up and took time to return to the windows before wrestling with the covers to let me escape into this new day's existence.  That's something.

We sit side by side this morning right in the middle of the frame, close enough that our arms touch.

 I'll be with people today.

Yup.  So what about operating out of this center, how could that change today and it's moments?

I would assume with significance... I so need Your mercy to remain conscious of being 'here'.

Okay.

   The crisp air is accentuated when that first ray breaks around the neighboring building and begins it's early morning labor of painting everything in hues of impossible gold.  I shiver, to which You respond by getting up and re-positioning Yourself around me.  We continue to look out but as Your arms hold onto me, I forget entirely the cold that tried to cloak me moments before.  I hear and feel Your breath by my ear and I squeeze my eyes shut to try and commit it to memory.  Oh please let me exist in this nearness.  A small but desperate tear sneaks out while a soft kiss is placed on my head followed by words that are laced with a sweet sincerity

I am always here.

A return to foundation

June 9/17... a journal to Jesus.

I want to return to You.

I will start with a return to journaling with You.  I believe I need to remember my foundation of love for and with You.

   Where shall we be?  Yes...
   Sitting in the glass-less and impossibly tall window frames we are able to swing our feet out and dangle them down the front of the sun warmed brick face of this building.  The sun sits low enough that it no longer fights with fury but sits back and reminisces.  The colors that surround this conversation add to the muted and mellow mood that spills a peace into those witnesses and partakers of it all.  I look over at You and wonder what You might be pondering.  There is such an obvious ease in Your expression and the broad smile that transforms all around You lights up Your eyes and mine as we share the moment.  The breeze lifts and moves the sheer curtains in and out, which lends a holiness  somehow while also making this place seem even more surreal that we are sitting where we are.  To be a part of both something inside and outside from the dramatic vantage point of this floor.

   This brings to my attention another fact; the empty room behind and the height of this building which leaves the outside beautiful but untouchable makes me realize that it is our position here that holds the importance.  haha In a language that I am using currently I would describe it almost as a bridge... that place between, that is the connection point.  This makes me chuckle and I turn myself, my back rests against the frame while one leg is in and one out so I can easily face towards You and share words in whatever form they take. You mirror me and in the absolute absence of needing to rush into anything, we look deeply at one another feeling the  connection of being and cherishing it.
I wonder if I could take this now into sleep with me... to dream in Your presence.  I would love to do that.... please?

    Another smile lifts Your countenance and I close my eyes and rest my head back against the fabric and wood.