November 25/12 journal...
Morning Jesus... my hunger for you has grown so much in the last few days. It tastes sweet. I love that it is insatiable and knowing it. I will never reach the end of You.
I better write down my revelation of this last week or so. There have been times where the old me tried using the usual justifications resorting to old habits. The biggest one was comparison. In not reading faithfully for instance... my mind did this dangerously quick ,well I know that so and so hasn't either ... or, well I know I am not perfect so it stands to reason... or, I am allowed to slide every now and then... hmmm NOT. I may not be able to explain this fully but there was another immediate, just as loud, voice.
Sorry you cannot compare yourself to another. You weren't called to that nor are you that person. Sorry you are responsible to this day's call of obedience not yesterday's. Your excuses don't apply... do they? In fact you are separate... just like I have been telling you in different layer lessons. Your approval does not rest in comparison to others. Nor in their opinion of you. I alone hold it all. Everything rests on and in Me... who you are, my acceptance of you, my love for you and how I view your actions. Stop looking through the world's glasses, I am giving you my sight don't waste any more time looking elsewhere.
It was the strangest experience actually, feeling and seeing the hollowness of my previous thoughts and yet, a strange mixture of that affirmation of freedom in Him. However sloppily I was handling it. It was that quiet 'oh' moment... where I got something not just logically or mentally but felt it deep inside too.
I am here, my last moments alone today, before everyone returns. I am filled once again with a longing for You that can not be adequately described in words. A hunger of the soul that I know I can not ever get enough of. I want You Jesus. How can I express it?
I wish I had the biggest canvas ever. like a whole wall. It would be first splashes and smears of color or emotion lines running horizontally and in one portion a collision of it all and the lines would then smear upward and downward. life and death meet... and it is beautiful. Ideally I would have done this with my hands and paint would be dripping off the wall and my arms as I reach up higher. You laugh and bring me a low scaffold so I can touch the whole canvas. I flick paint at You as You laugh and You come and grab me.
Monday, April 8, 2013
Thursday, April 4, 2013
something anyone can do
November 23/12 Journal excerpt.
It has been an amazing day Jesus thank You. Thank You for clearing my head and thoughts in preparing for tonight.
How was Your day? You look over and give me a smile but it seems You have a lot to share.
I am here Jesus may I have the honor of loving You? You sink down to sit upon the rock and I sit on one closest to me... one much smaller and I look up into Your face and wait.
I love sitting with You... we both say at the same time haha!
Come on over.
Okay. I crawl up to sit beside You and I sit still but after a while I reach to hold Your hand. As we sit, we listen to the sounds of the water as it trips over itself trying to keep up. Laughing all the while. It is pretty amazing to learn to be about what You are about. Even though we muddy the waters often and have to let the current wash it clear again.
How does it feel to sit by me?
Absolutely soul satisfyingly sweet. You kiss my hand, that is intertwined with Yours, as you chuckle at my words. I think I am starting to realize that it trumps pretty much everything. Hmmm.
Something anyone can do.
Yeah it is.
It has been an amazing day Jesus thank You. Thank You for clearing my head and thoughts in preparing for tonight.
How was Your day? You look over and give me a smile but it seems You have a lot to share.
I am here Jesus may I have the honor of loving You? You sink down to sit upon the rock and I sit on one closest to me... one much smaller and I look up into Your face and wait.
I love sitting with You... we both say at the same time haha!
Come on over.
Okay. I crawl up to sit beside You and I sit still but after a while I reach to hold Your hand. As we sit, we listen to the sounds of the water as it trips over itself trying to keep up. Laughing all the while. It is pretty amazing to learn to be about what You are about. Even though we muddy the waters often and have to let the current wash it clear again.
How does it feel to sit by me?
Absolutely soul satisfyingly sweet. You kiss my hand, that is intertwined with Yours, as you chuckle at my words. I think I am starting to realize that it trumps pretty much everything. Hmmm.
Something anyone can do.
Yeah it is.
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
the week things changed
November 16/12 Journal entry.
Afternoon Jesus, I stole away as soon as I was alone and the one thing that stood out immediately was my heart's cry for You. It is just You that I really want.
As I look back on this week that has sped by I am dismayed at my falling down so often and my inability to make the transfer to adjust to a new arrangement in house. So I sit still, finally, and I look weigh and measure. It is You I want. I want You to change me to adapt to absolutely anything that comes my way whether I am forewarned or not. Jesus I know it is possible in You. There is absolutely no reason not to love well. ( I think this is still one of the loudest lessons from my time of fasting) and not to be ridiculously thankful in and for each moment.
I still must be scared a lot... why else do I put things off? Why haven't I painted yet? Why haven't I pursued so many things? I still fight with my selfishness... why else to I hoard time, sometimes being resentful at not having all I want?
Well I am thankful right now for a moment of clarity and remembrance. I don't need to be beat up by it but I am once again presented with a chance to decide. Fight the good fight, I say. Sit in Your presence. Huh... pretty cool that those two statements are the same thing lol. Jesus things feel out of control but I will press into the rest of my day with You. Please take care of me.
Afternoon Jesus, I stole away as soon as I was alone and the one thing that stood out immediately was my heart's cry for You. It is just You that I really want.
As I look back on this week that has sped by I am dismayed at my falling down so often and my inability to make the transfer to adjust to a new arrangement in house. So I sit still, finally, and I look weigh and measure. It is You I want. I want You to change me to adapt to absolutely anything that comes my way whether I am forewarned or not. Jesus I know it is possible in You. There is absolutely no reason not to love well. ( I think this is still one of the loudest lessons from my time of fasting) and not to be ridiculously thankful in and for each moment.
I still must be scared a lot... why else do I put things off? Why haven't I painted yet? Why haven't I pursued so many things? I still fight with my selfishness... why else to I hoard time, sometimes being resentful at not having all I want?
Well I am thankful right now for a moment of clarity and remembrance. I don't need to be beat up by it but I am once again presented with a chance to decide. Fight the good fight, I say. Sit in Your presence. Huh... pretty cool that those two statements are the same thing lol. Jesus things feel out of control but I will press into the rest of my day with You. Please take care of me.
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