Returning to the table, sitting with Abba Father

... journal excerpt... Dec 30/11

   I want to experiment today again to strive to do nothing except for You and in love to You. To have You as my only motive. The other thing that Frank has got me wondering about is the minute game. Please teach me how I can continually return my thoughts to You. It kinda got me wondering about Leviticus and the 'down to the last detail' instructions You gave for the tabernacle construction and then carrying out of sacrifices and offerings of the role of the priests etc. Was this You playing the minute game with us before we had the Holy Spirit residing within us all? I think of how in Acts You made it clear to Peter that all things were clean or how You explained that it wasn't what we ate that made us unclean but what came out of the heart that made us unclean. You taught that before the Holy Spirit came... but hang on...You were in that role even though You were in human form just then weren't You... it was all over Your teachings and maybe that was part of the reason You also only spoke what You heard from the Father (like the Holy Spirit does now). Interesting.

I enjoy You Jesus... shall we go to work? Your call... :)

Had a brilliant time in my shop but a quick stop when my insert got split in two by the router bit ... perhaps we did enough work for one day? hahaha

   ...Again just a real good day. I know I haven't done overly well at the game of minutes but I will press on to increase it until I hope it becomes a way of being. I thought of You Father, at the table You showed me the other night. Days like today make me yearn to sit down with You and talk and talk. I spill out what I think I am picking up from You, sharing it with others but then wait with only moderate patience to hear back ... to get a conversation going. I would not have to wait at Your table. Perhaps I need to learn to come to You first again.
Can we sit together now?
A quiet chuckle shakes You as You motion with Your hand for me to come and sit. Your eyes are so bright and engaging. They draw me in immediately and make me wonder what You are thinking but not with anxiousness but with anticipation. Without conscious thought we sit leaning towards one another expectant but comfortable as we take one another in. After only a few moments however I reach out with my hand longing to touch Your face. Your face lights up even more with my touch and we both share some very freeing laughter. You are so captivating.
A good thing I'd say since it is you that I want. 
Hmmm. I know what he (Frank Lambach) was talking about in those letters ... that discontent, no, a disgust really with the ever consuming spiral of self. I really need to learn to see don't I.
Your wasteland was different this time wasn't it. 
Yes. I wasn't completely ruled by self like my abrupt lent lesson, thus I wasn't drawn in to a cycle of guilt. Yet I wasn't actively seeking You like I should have been. So I found that I was kind of dead inside. Lost. Yet I don't regret going through that because You have touched it with redemption... I have learned another realization. 
   My identity doesn't depend on what I do it is who I am in You. 
Two things come to mind, first Brad's comment on asking You to help him be his true self and he was most himself when loving others. The second was the absolute and total contrast of being my true self and the lifeless me in the wasteland. And the fact that it happened in the simple act of offering to put on the coffee lids for that lady in the motel. I offered because I wanted to love her ... simply. All this isn't a new lesson and yet it is because at a new layer it means deeper things. 
Thanks Abba Father.
Hmmm... I love you little One. 
Haha You must, there is no other explanation. I'm 41 and there is just so much I am only getting now... it's crazy. Would You help me finish well?
I would be delighted to.

let me love You

...journal entry continued...    


It's still me ... lol... this day is taking many a turn and I have to say it is a good day. For You are here. I just want to do something for You Jesus. Love You in a way You created me to. We are on our couch and the couch is in the river but not to far out lol. You are laying with Your head in my lap and it is me that is stroking Your hair now. Your one leg hangs over the end of the couch and the other is right in the water. Your eyes are closed but I know You are just so aware of everything... and don't think I missed that smile that just flashed across Your face. I rest one hand on Your chest another on Your head and for a moment lean my head back against the couch and close my eyes to soak up the deep heat of the sun. The babbling water reminds me of just how good and sweet it's feel is. 
You know how crazy I am about You right?
Umhmm
...and then I feel Your hand upon mine. I open my eyes and look at You again. I start stroking Your hair again and then trace with my finger along Your forehead, temple and Your cheek. You open Your eyes then and we look at one another. It is absolutely a miracle just how much can be said with only a look.

   The gift of presence. That has got to be one of Your strongest traits Jesus. While I ache for it I also desparately want to be just like You in this. I want to give this to everyone around me as naturally as breathing. I would love to be just like You. My smile is wistful is longing but as my eyes return to Yours Your smile dazzles me and we end up laughing together. You are just so sweet... Jesus.