Journal entry Aug 21/10

Hey Jesus.

   I think I talk a bit too much lol... which is so funny, cause I don't share only to then run on without thinking, huh. But I want to think now because I have left a few unfinished conversations and perhaps will have the opportunity to talk about them later.

   I am at the end of a summer that has been so filled with the undeniable presence of You (Jesus) carrying me as You helped me set my emotions aside be filled with the desire to be there for my family as we handled the dying and then death of my Dad. There were moments I literally felt You at my side all day and with such clarity that I was left in a state of humble adoration of You and Your merciful love by the end of the day. Bizarrely and immediately afterwards I have had weeks where I got caught up in the mechanics of living, taking care of business and becoming a bit too wrapped up in myself, forgetting to meet with You. Hating where I was You rescued me and wooed me back into Your arms. (Thankful for prayers of the saints around me) You gave me excitment for Yourself and a desire to share this with others when I know through and through it was not me on any level but again just You mercifully moving within my soul. I have had a time when I thought... hang on, I need to think about me... and experiencing even surfacely the danger of teetering on this edge of self absorbtion. Of course, to increase the danger, couple that with having a time of self condemnation and doubt when I heard a negative observation about a ministry that I was leading.

   Jesus, I have heard that You talked to Marg and then she waited 15 years for the fulfillment of Your Word to her. I read about Your nation trainwrecking with a horrible leader and they are called out by Your Word but then they seem to go on unscathed for 7 years before Your judgement is met out. I read, this morning, about the rash word of Jephthah, whose vow ended the life of his own daughter.  Finally, I read about the humble and deep faith of a centurion who asked for Jesus help yet did not insist on seeing Him or even having come into his home to touch his servant but said (in my own words) You are a Holy Man with such great authority just speak it and it will be done I am not worthy of Your presence in my own home.
    I personally have flirted with being overly 'self' concerned BUT luckily I spoke it out first to You... and You said... "Why are you worried about You? Isn't that my job? If I am taking care of you can you trust me to carry you emotionally too?" When I sought out counsel about my own emotions and grief... Marge's first words were, "aren't we suppose to go to You (Jesus) immediately?" A warning, really, came through Glenn in the words "to think that we need to take care of ourselves (emotionally) cause we feel it needs to be done ... can be a dreadful mistake for it prolongs and turns us down sideroads that do not need to be travelled and causes more stress." Then, finally, You added the brilliant testimony of Tammy... her story declaring the necessity for a dicipline of hanging onto what is true and right and Holy (amidst deep spiritual and physical battles.) To become consumed with You alone and to feel that everything else surrounding us is just that ... second to You... not getting caught up in the crap of life emotionally, humanly, etc because we just need to concern ourselves with You (Jesus) and being obedient to You... staying and living in Your light of truth.

   All of that to say... I think there is a bigger picture in what I flirted with. One of my first thoughts is that this is a lesson in something we need to pray over within our church body. As we grow (in numbers or just inside) we are different and beautifully diverse children that think, see, and have differing perspectives. When in our ministries and walks we come up against a differing opinion we do not need to spiral into a mode of self condemnation nor a stance of defence. Realistically this is a common response we gravitate too and because it can easily cause divisions and distractions to what is really going on I sincerely believe that we need to cover our body with the prayers against this kind of fog that can become a very effective attack. To go back to You (Jesus) immediately and recheck are we following Your leading broadly and specifically? Are we straying slightly? Are we being challenged to a new level? Or do we need, for now, to note this comment or opinion and stay open to see if You (Jesus) are speaking it through others so that You are not just moving us individually in a new or specific way but are wanting the body to come along with us in the direction.

   (To the body of Christ) We can trust Jesus with it all. We can trust Him to carry us through even the deepest and seemingly hardest emotional struggles. In trusting Him we need to give Him the situation and doggedly hang onto obedience to Him alone and staying in His light, His Holiness, His truth. Let us not jump ahead of Him let us be sensitive ourselves and for those around us for the flags of warning... (fruit of the roots of bitterness... anxiety, stress, anger, pulling away) Let us not travel down hard roads that are not necessary. (And even if some of us choose to go down those roads and thus as a body we are brought along with them... let us be consciously bringing Jesus along to be light and truth and protection) Let us not be rash, whether in our desire to serve Him or to take care of business expeidently and make decisions or vows that make sense to our own thinking and desires. But instead let us listen and wait upon Him, Jesus... the author and perfector of our faith and if He speaks and then asks us to wait 15 years for the fullfillment of it then let us wait but with expectation and not letting that word fall away. Let us hang on to every word that He so mercifully and lovingly speaks to us. But I am not yet done... let us be humble like the centurion desiring the touch of Jesus being so confident of His reality and ability and letting Him move as He desires not as we insist or think it must be. Let us ask and trust and KNOW our God, our Jesus ... being so taken with Him that we cannot help but be humbled in awe of who He continues to reveal Himself to be.

I believe that, realistically, to live like this there is no other way than to be putting on our spiritual armor by prayer over and over... let our intercessors pray for our protection and single focus on God and His truth, His desires, His heart... that our relationship with Him be so deepened that our kneejerk reaction in any and all situations is to go immediately to Him. Submitting over and over again our lives, our souls, our hearts, our minds to Him alone. That we be consumed with loving our God that constantly awes and amazes us in how intimately His loves us and desires us.

WE battle not against flesh and blood but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

Open my eyes that I may see open my ears that I may hear (and turn and be healed.)