I haven't been here in so long ... I was drawn back to a journal entry from February so I thought I'd share it.



I am struggling so much tonight... I hate it. I just want to connect with someone who will understand and listen and know. But that someone is really only You. I know that yet; I yearn for eyes and arms... flesh. I know I am being so over the line to want more; but I really do. As I was driving home tonight I knew something... I want to learn to take my hurts and not spill them back onto another person ... even the one doing the hurting. I want to learn to just come to You with my hurts and literally give them to You and look to You to heal my wounds. There are just so many reasons this makes sense... how am I to become who You intended me to be if I stay rooted and rutted in my own humanness controlled so often by the craver? I will never get actual healing if I look to anyone else than You. How else will I get filled up with You to be You to another if I don't ? Jesus I am so close to tears tonight and I don't know if it even is all of my own pain. I see others who go through such sorrow and it makes me ache within cause I know how real it is. It is so strange though cause who am I? What do I know of another's pain? My pain has not been even comparable to so many others. Yet when I see that obvious wrenching of a heart in loss or defeat... in the mourning of that very deep and real place within, I literally catch my breath as my chest tightens.

Want to meet?

Where would it be?

It would be in a room warmed by a fireplace snapping quietly at the far wall. The lights dim and inviting for conversation. I lift my eyes and look ... You have just described my living room where I am right now.... You are here aren't You? Yes. Why do You love me the way You do? Because you are mine and I refuse to let you go. You humble me so very deeply. In but a breath before I was wanting You the way I wanted You; and when You reveal Yourself I am humbled; shocked that I would even presume what is the way things need to be. I am sorry Jesus. Where have I been that we haven't met for so long? You want me right? Yes. And not just surface. Yes. The word short track popped up in your mind lol. Yes lol... that seemed really good at the time... and it still does :) You are living in the experiences that I am using to help you dive deeper into Me. Funny isn't it how life isn't getting easier... is that true? It's always been hard but I know I have been blessed by Your protective hand, really obviously at certain times in my life... so clearly in high school, hmmm. What about now? Well it's tricky really... it has felt hard for a long time... and especially after what feels like weeks of being disconnected from You... I just want to throw myself into You at every turn. I have been messing up alot and I know this is very normal but I also have learned just how dependent I am on You. I think now to myself what on earth am I doing? What have I been doing? I cannot do life without You... but not just with You once a day or during journaling ... I NEED You every moment I draw breath. I need to hear You constantly. I want to hear You constantly ... Oh Jesus have mercy on me please. Bring me back into Your arms... I want to lay my head on Your chest and listen to You breathe. Could I smell You? LOL... you make me laugh little one. Remember I am not limited by anything... I know you want Me and I know you cry when I tell you that because it sinks in just a little deeper that I really really love and know you. I understand you. I know you struggle in how to love when you don't feel it back... wow that stopped you dead. Yes it did. As soon as You said it a million scenarios and thoughts and then related things zoomed through my thoughts. I am still so wanting the approval and acceptance of others. It's a real bondage thing. Regret after regret pour into my thoughts I feel helpless as I sink in it's miry depths... what a cold place to be. Yes craver, your voice may be loud and controlling but Jesus is bigger... Jesus what is the truth of the situation? Why can't I hear You?

I almost hear but it's like that thought that is there but isn't formed into a string of intelligible words... so we sit and look into the fire. We are side by side on a couch with our feet up on a very cushy footrest. Blankets cover us and pillows surround us. You take my hand and give it a squeeze.. it feels like a 'don't worry we'll go there together.' Can I be You to others when I am sad? Can I be You to others when I struggle more than I laugh? Why not? I am inside You and with You always... what if I speak even more powerfully through you while you are sad and unsure and you feel like you are bumbling about. What if while you are laying down I am rising up? My tears course down my face as I look up into Your eyes... it really is You that I don't want to disappoint You know. I know Little One I know. What do I expect of you? You don't really... You know I need You... You just want me to let You be You.