journal entry December 15, 2009
Jesus I know I don't have time but I need You. Wow that's an interesting sentence really... cause who says what time needs to go where? Why do we push ourselves the way and direction we do? Since when do we have the insight and wisdom to know where to pour ourselves out and when to stop the cycle of living, existing and do something else? I know how I feel and I know I need You... my best friend. I am aching for time with You... I am feeling that all too familiar need for a friend.
So what can we do together? We can fly. Really? Those words instantly bring tears to my eyes and I gasp with amazement of Your love. We haven't done that forever. The two times I remember the most was You prophesying into my life and the time over our church. Where would we fly?
All I see are treetops but I know what is underneath them... there is a path that is only as wide as a footstep... yet it is mossy and thick like a sponge. There is a man walking on the path; no... he is running. His breaths are ragged as he pushes himself further and faster, sweat dripping, lungs burning. He breaks out from under the cover of the trees into an opening where underfoot the spongy moss has turned to rock. The view reveals where he has been running to. The panorama of mountain ranges are breathtaking. They are both close and distant to the point where they are swallowed up in the colors of the earth and sky. The shock of the change causes him to sit down hard on a nearby boulder and begin to weep. We've been overhead but now we come down and I watch as You draw near and kneel before him. You gently holding his face so Your eyes can meet. At that moment his sobs of relief and the letting go of the journey's wear take their toll and he collapses in Your arms. Closing his eyes and letting any need for self control slip away ... he sinks into a deep sleep. Oh my Jesus, who is this man? As You hold him so gently I come near to kneel and wash his feet. They are so dirty and scratched from his journey. The callouses hard but the trickles of blood from a passing thorn bush or rock tell of the desperation and determination to go as far as he could. The water is warm, the cloth soft as I again and again dip it in, rinse and wash. There is a flask of oil beside the basin and I then pour a portion of it on his feet ... the scent wafts up as I massage it in. I glance up and see that Your eyes have not left his face the whole time and I notice now that You have been speaking ever so softly to him all the while. My gaze drops to the ground in the reverence of this moment... Holy Holy Holy... Jesus , my God , my Saviour... You alone are God forever and ever. I kneel at Your feet as my heart crys out for this man and for love that literally washes over me... Holy Holy Holy...
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Friday, December 11, 2009
December 11/09
I can't believe I have a day at home, wow. I love it. Even just the thought of it. :) How are You doing Jesus? How was the day/night for You? If You want a back rub or foot massage or someone to hold Your hand as You rest I'd love to. :) Why not... do You want to lay down on this couch and rest Your head on my lap? There is no extra noise in this room... just the regular house noises. Your eyes are closed and there is a blanket over You. I gently touch Your head as You rest and gaze out the window into the curious light of winter... the flakes are huge and both whistling down with the wind and lazily floating and drifting down in the shelter of the house. I turn my head to the right to see out the window... the fire is more in front of us and on the left. I massage Your head and after a time I begin to walk with You through my heart. We both close our eyes as we are on the couch pausing to listen and take in this moment. (You know what ... that fire is making no noise... weird) My chest tightens a little as we begin.
We come to a door that is slightly ajar but I can't figure out whose leading who. Even though it is mine, You know it better... yet should I ... be the one inviting? I'm a little afraid of the unknown (I know that sounds funny) so how about You lead through the door? You pause and look at me... smile and then give the door a push . It opens only as far as Your hand makes it go (significant) You are holding my hand the whole time and as we enter You keep Your eyes on me. It is a pretty comfortable room welcoming and ready... very simple though. A small wooden table with two chairs but with extra chairs along the wall ready for when the need arises. There is no stove yet there are two steaming mugs of drink just waiting on the table. Where's the next door? It isn't until we sit at the table that I see it; it is not a door but a stairwell down in the corner of the room in the floor. (significant... the sitting to see yet the stairwell is in the corner behind me when I am sitting) We immediately get up, I'm excited to move on so I am the first one this time. I grab Your hand and look deep in Your eyes, I can feel mine sparkling with excitement and the 'let's go' words in them. We walk down the stairs but this time it is me watching You as we descend. What You are seeing makes You smile so I turn my head to find another room ... this one is deeper feeling, darker but more intimate. Instead of a table and chairs there are deep leather wingback chairs but also a couch with pillows and blankets just ready but folded neatly on one end. The couch is in front of a crackling fire while the chairs are back and to my left in an alcove of sorts. The alcove is made of stone yet why isn't it cold feeling? The windows in the alcove are the squared kind I love and the windows open on any of the three sides. I see that one side window is open a crack and a distinctly warm breeze is entering in here... ahhh (significant). I know that there will be an assortment of doors in this room cause the stuff shared here always leads to more. Ooooo but those aren't why we are here now.. it's this hallway isn't it? "You lead ok?" As we cross the room to enter the hallway You play with me a bit, how do I describe that? Instead of just taking my hand and leading me across, You move around me laughing, enjoying , a hug from behind then a laugh as You turn away and I chase You to jump on Your back for a moment... it's kind of like an in love playing around. (significant... it's the deep feeling rising up , can't get enough of You , can't believe I'm with You and want time to stop thing.) As soon as we enter the hallway is when You just grab my hand and we walk side by side down it's length. Again it's stone, kind of like it's ancient yet still well travelled and not dusty or cold it's warm and there are lights, hanging candles, along it's length. Inviting. My chest tightens a little more. I close my eyes because I don't know what I'll see yet I continue to be lead by You. When we stop I open my eyes to see... it is a dark room with a single candle burning at what I assume is the center of it but as my eyes adjust I see that there are smaller flames from little candles on the walls surrounding. I look into Your eyes and feel a mix of emotion... there is a bit of anxiety here ... I, on one hand, only want to look at You so I don't have to look around . I don't fully understand and am a bit scared to let You tell me. However... Your eyes are calm and assuring, You are comfortable here which makes me feel that it's okay to let You tell me. This is a place of dying but it is where You die to self. This is the place you are when you dare to love others with my love. You dare to step beyond yourself and feel more deeply for another. The reason it scares you is that my love is riskier than what you've conditioned yourself to... think young... dare a look, reach out, expect a response... it's either positive or negative, react to that response, it either ends or goes on as long as there is a response back. So sadly conditional. Here is where you dare without the first look ... cause you feel my love for them before anything... this is daring... to act on it. Also to let yourself feel it. Yes in feeling and reaching out you want a response, the response isn't really for you is it? Wow. Didn't think of that! So that is where the dying to self comes to life lol... I'm asking you to love people for Me... it doesn't require a response to you. It may desire one but either way it doesn't change that love... Let's do a worst case scenario ... suppose you feel that love rising for another , you reach out and get refused or get absolutely nothing ... cold.. only in dying to self you continue to feel my love for them and so you continue to reach out as I direct. Now it hurts to put yourself out there and get nothing back but are those true words? Are you putting yourself out there... no, it's You. Do you need a response to continue loving? No... especially not here because the response is for You not me anyways.... It may come in a delightfully twisted, strangely associated time I will know nothing about... cause You work all things together. Your moving doesn't seem to be disassociated from one another probably because You are about relationship :) So even in knowing that it doesn't matter what happens, it could be anywhere on that planned chain of events. The 'doesn't matter' words are not accurate in a way either...'irregardless' perhaps better? Yet they both denote something of importance so I will leave them both. Okay so lets go back tot he hurt. Okay. Even though it is Me moving through you... you being human will feel hurt in several situations but I am telling You it is worth it... and that it isn't really your hurt to carry , it is mine YET even in that you will still feel even if it is on my behalf... but it is so crucial to die to self here. Sometimes moment to moment cause to experience this deep love even as a vessel, aches but to take it on and misplace it as your own will shut you down in pain, hurt, wounding etc and you will move into the 'protect yourself mode ' which blocks everyone out even Me. You brought to mind my commenting in a conversation to Glenn about being willing to go through hell for another... so I could love them... I really meant those words... but it really means so that You can love another through me.
So I am ready to look at the room. You smile and we turn to the center of the room. What is that candle in the center? It's you and Me. And it'll grow and get brighter as our love goes deeper and is revealed for what it really is... it's in the KNOWING Me. The other candles likewise are you allowing me to love others through you. The room's darkness and lightness fluctuate at different times but it will always be a darker room than the rest because all You really need to see is Me here. Everything revolves around Me here including being able to come here. It is an intense place because it deals with great depths which always pull in deep responses within (emotional, spiritual, mental) You look very deeply into my eyes and pull me into an embrace and You hold me.
Wow... that was a journey... I still feel it within my chest but we are back on the couch with the snow falling outside. Your head is in my lap. I stroke Your hair and we so quietly continue to be... I've been holding my breath ... I exhale, close my eyes and smile.
I can't believe I have a day at home, wow. I love it. Even just the thought of it. :) How are You doing Jesus? How was the day/night for You? If You want a back rub or foot massage or someone to hold Your hand as You rest I'd love to. :) Why not... do You want to lay down on this couch and rest Your head on my lap? There is no extra noise in this room... just the regular house noises. Your eyes are closed and there is a blanket over You. I gently touch Your head as You rest and gaze out the window into the curious light of winter... the flakes are huge and both whistling down with the wind and lazily floating and drifting down in the shelter of the house. I turn my head to the right to see out the window... the fire is more in front of us and on the left. I massage Your head and after a time I begin to walk with You through my heart. We both close our eyes as we are on the couch pausing to listen and take in this moment. (You know what ... that fire is making no noise... weird) My chest tightens a little as we begin.
We come to a door that is slightly ajar but I can't figure out whose leading who. Even though it is mine, You know it better... yet should I ... be the one inviting? I'm a little afraid of the unknown (I know that sounds funny) so how about You lead through the door? You pause and look at me... smile and then give the door a push . It opens only as far as Your hand makes it go (significant) You are holding my hand the whole time and as we enter You keep Your eyes on me. It is a pretty comfortable room welcoming and ready... very simple though. A small wooden table with two chairs but with extra chairs along the wall ready for when the need arises. There is no stove yet there are two steaming mugs of drink just waiting on the table. Where's the next door? It isn't until we sit at the table that I see it; it is not a door but a stairwell down in the corner of the room in the floor. (significant... the sitting to see yet the stairwell is in the corner behind me when I am sitting) We immediately get up, I'm excited to move on so I am the first one this time. I grab Your hand and look deep in Your eyes, I can feel mine sparkling with excitement and the 'let's go' words in them. We walk down the stairs but this time it is me watching You as we descend. What You are seeing makes You smile so I turn my head to find another room ... this one is deeper feeling, darker but more intimate. Instead of a table and chairs there are deep leather wingback chairs but also a couch with pillows and blankets just ready but folded neatly on one end. The couch is in front of a crackling fire while the chairs are back and to my left in an alcove of sorts. The alcove is made of stone yet why isn't it cold feeling? The windows in the alcove are the squared kind I love and the windows open on any of the three sides. I see that one side window is open a crack and a distinctly warm breeze is entering in here... ahhh (significant). I know that there will be an assortment of doors in this room cause the stuff shared here always leads to more. Ooooo but those aren't why we are here now.. it's this hallway isn't it? "You lead ok?" As we cross the room to enter the hallway You play with me a bit, how do I describe that? Instead of just taking my hand and leading me across, You move around me laughing, enjoying , a hug from behind then a laugh as You turn away and I chase You to jump on Your back for a moment... it's kind of like an in love playing around. (significant... it's the deep feeling rising up , can't get enough of You , can't believe I'm with You and want time to stop thing.) As soon as we enter the hallway is when You just grab my hand and we walk side by side down it's length. Again it's stone, kind of like it's ancient yet still well travelled and not dusty or cold it's warm and there are lights, hanging candles, along it's length. Inviting. My chest tightens a little more. I close my eyes because I don't know what I'll see yet I continue to be lead by You. When we stop I open my eyes to see... it is a dark room with a single candle burning at what I assume is the center of it but as my eyes adjust I see that there are smaller flames from little candles on the walls surrounding. I look into Your eyes and feel a mix of emotion... there is a bit of anxiety here ... I, on one hand, only want to look at You so I don't have to look around . I don't fully understand and am a bit scared to let You tell me. However... Your eyes are calm and assuring, You are comfortable here which makes me feel that it's okay to let You tell me. This is a place of dying but it is where You die to self. This is the place you are when you dare to love others with my love. You dare to step beyond yourself and feel more deeply for another. The reason it scares you is that my love is riskier than what you've conditioned yourself to... think young... dare a look, reach out, expect a response... it's either positive or negative, react to that response, it either ends or goes on as long as there is a response back. So sadly conditional. Here is where you dare without the first look ... cause you feel my love for them before anything... this is daring... to act on it. Also to let yourself feel it. Yes in feeling and reaching out you want a response, the response isn't really for you is it? Wow. Didn't think of that! So that is where the dying to self comes to life lol... I'm asking you to love people for Me... it doesn't require a response to you. It may desire one but either way it doesn't change that love... Let's do a worst case scenario ... suppose you feel that love rising for another , you reach out and get refused or get absolutely nothing ... cold.. only in dying to self you continue to feel my love for them and so you continue to reach out as I direct. Now it hurts to put yourself out there and get nothing back but are those true words? Are you putting yourself out there... no, it's You. Do you need a response to continue loving? No... especially not here because the response is for You not me anyways.... It may come in a delightfully twisted, strangely associated time I will know nothing about... cause You work all things together. Your moving doesn't seem to be disassociated from one another probably because You are about relationship :) So even in knowing that it doesn't matter what happens, it could be anywhere on that planned chain of events. The 'doesn't matter' words are not accurate in a way either...'irregardless' perhaps better? Yet they both denote something of importance so I will leave them both. Okay so lets go back tot he hurt. Okay. Even though it is Me moving through you... you being human will feel hurt in several situations but I am telling You it is worth it... and that it isn't really your hurt to carry , it is mine YET even in that you will still feel even if it is on my behalf... but it is so crucial to die to self here. Sometimes moment to moment cause to experience this deep love even as a vessel, aches but to take it on and misplace it as your own will shut you down in pain, hurt, wounding etc and you will move into the 'protect yourself mode ' which blocks everyone out even Me. You brought to mind my commenting in a conversation to Glenn about being willing to go through hell for another... so I could love them... I really meant those words... but it really means so that You can love another through me.
So I am ready to look at the room. You smile and we turn to the center of the room. What is that candle in the center? It's you and Me. And it'll grow and get brighter as our love goes deeper and is revealed for what it really is... it's in the KNOWING Me. The other candles likewise are you allowing me to love others through you. The room's darkness and lightness fluctuate at different times but it will always be a darker room than the rest because all You really need to see is Me here. Everything revolves around Me here including being able to come here. It is an intense place because it deals with great depths which always pull in deep responses within (emotional, spiritual, mental) You look very deeply into my eyes and pull me into an embrace and You hold me.
Wow... that was a journey... I still feel it within my chest but we are back on the couch with the snow falling outside. Your head is in my lap. I stroke Your hair and we so quietly continue to be... I've been holding my breath ... I exhale, close my eyes and smile.
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