Jesus I am so full of You right now.
I know it is You because I want to love.
I desire freedom not safety, I desire depth not comfort.
I feel the abandon to know You in each moment, no longer confined by a time.
There is no settling for what the world offers, instead I dive into what it has blinded us to.
I love You.
You are my God... the lover of my soul.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
I'm not sure how to start this... Jesus has helped me take some pretty big steps into the unknown lately. Wildly though is... in addition to experiencing some pretty big changes within; I know that I am also learning some stuff I haven't even had time to process. I'm pretty sure I'll recognize it though; when it comes up ... in those moments.
Early in October while at a inner healing conference God showed up in some powerful ways. He even spoke to me outside of the conference through my sister-in-law who had a vision for me... She started off with the observation that I am NOT a water person. (never learned to swim well and I have experienced a few moments of panic while in the stuff). I was on a pebbly beach on the shore of a lake. It is very beautiful and here's the thing... Jesus is inviting me into the water. There is an assurance that I will be safe there. He is the water. That night before falling asleep the thing that overwhelmed me with a very deep delight was that I could go right under the water and stay as long as I wanted! I would not need to come up for air. I would be able to breathe. I cannot explain how deeply this amazed and delighted me that I was being invited into that.
Right at the same time my world shifted in our day to day reality as well. With my husband leaving his job this also meant we would be without a home. We have only 3 months to find out the where and what we should do. Have to admit I have many ups and downs (some very hard emotional days) but wow what a learning ground. After a month of considering and wondering and, yes, stress and worry, I realized that in my very frequent cries for Jesus to be present He was taking me to the city. But in my unrest I wasn't taking the time to be there with Him. Here's my journal entry...
Hi Jesus, I am here and I know where we are... we are in the city. We are side by side on the hill. We've been here a few times, mostly with others but now it is just us. You have brought me here a few times now but I haven't stayed here long enough to see or hear. But I am here now. Jesus what do You want me to see? What do You want me to hear? You are on my left and we are fairly close to the treeline on the east side. The hill drops off quite quickly and the grass is lush and green. It flows down and down. We can see so far. To far away rises and different wooded areas that hint of the stream at their feet. What am I looking at Jesus? Promise. Hmmm. Is that promise of who You are? Or is that promise of what is coming? You know Jesus, I think it could be an answer of both but then I am wondering am I allowed to ask really specific questions? You laugh, then turn to me smiling. Yes. My answers aren't always specific in return but that is wrapped up in purpose too. Yes I can see that and I wouldn't want it any other way. I've always wanted to live in the moment of deep need / trust in You. This really is that moment and I like holding onto that line of peace that tells me that You are still very much in control. I am continually praying for Your mercy though... we all make up 6 very different lives and that draws deep pause within that my own motives would come up very short for the others and that would be so unfair. And so I cry out for Your mercy... only in You... only where You call... only Your first choice please. I look up and Your smile broadens and You reach over and touch my cheek. Oh my Holy God... thank You so much for loving me. Tears of awe and relief spring to my eyes so easily lately... I love You soooo much Jesus. So much. We both turn and look out again. Sitting silently, my eyes roam back and forth, far to near... what is this spacious land? This wide place? It is a place for you. For me alone? Or for my family and I? As soon as that popped out I thought 'nope that wasn't the right response'... let me try again. Thank You Jesus! I turn to smile at You... thank You. I scootch closer and tuck in right by Your arm. Holding it tightly I lean in as close as I can. For us. Ohhh that sounds good. Will we be walking / journeying into it soon? Yes....
Hey Jesus, I am finally back... I want to talk to You so bad. I realize it is my fault that I am hesitant to hear You... I am doubting You and I need to say I am sooo sorry. Jesus please be merciful and help me get beyond my lack of faith in You. I know You are faithful. I know this... You are ultimately the most able, Sovereign, my creator and the lover of my soul. The only One worthy of all trust and faith and love is You. Jesus please forgive me again for my doubt reflected in my action. Okay so can we go back to the hill? You grab my hand and we are there. Instead of sitting down though we start walking down the hill... really? You smile down at me. You know Jesus, I had a thought today... I think I glimpsed slightly what Moses was feeling or thinking when You told him You wouldn't be going with him (them) anymore. And how it became "then we aren't going..." For him to go from meeting with You face to face as a friend to "... go on ahead without Me..." Wow, no way... I think I get that heart refusal. That would be like ripping out my heart and life; everything and expecting to go on. No wonder You called him friend I want to so trust You. That whether You tell me details, whether You ask me to go through trial or pain or whatever I will refuse to live outside of being right beside You. Wow I like to ramble eh? Hmmm. That's more that okay. Wow You would say that. You really love me... You enjoy me... wow. So is this place me getting into the water? Yes. Ahhh, I like that. You know as soon as Brad read that part in Revelation where there was water ... it brought tears up. You immediately took me to that prophetic word from Deb and I knew that You invited me to come into the water... to come into You. It is so humbling and so what I desire... with every fiber of my being. So I am here beside You and I am wanting this now. Do we get to go exactly where You want us as a family? Yes. Whew... I cannot tell You what a deep relief this is for my ears to hear. So is all this waiting to hear and see a part of me learning to enter the water too? Yes. Hmmm. It's awfully beautiful here Jesus... this last weekend You taught me another paradign shift but strangely without the emotion I have felt with the other shifts. I think I am just starting to realize that it is hugely powerful and necessary to where You are wanting us to be. That humbles me again. I want it too Jesus, I want it too.
Can we stop here for a moment? You nod and we sit. I look back up the hill and it shows me something ... it was very safe up there. I know You know what I mean by that. My chest is actually tightening. You are so very gentle. Jesus I don't want to even be treading water in the deepest part... I want to be IN (the water) You; right in. Holy, Holy, Holy, You are my God forever and always. Anything You ask I want to do. So how fast do we go? Wow there it goes again ... that tightening... is it Your presence or call? Or is it my fear? It doesn't make sense that it is fear does it? No. You have to cling with Your faith filled eyes to truth, to who You know I am and knowing that I KNOW you. Yes. Oh I get it... I will be able to let You be You for my family; I will let You be You for my friends, my heart friendships. Things don't depend on me... and knowing You frees that all up in me. I am not responsible I can let that rest in You. I can watch and wait and listen and be so delighted when I am asked to join in. but it is on You not me. And that likewise takes my eyes off myself for focus at all really, because I become consumed with You in all things.
I need to be held by you Jesus. We lay down and You snuggle me, holding me with Your arms... Your head by mine. You whisper so quietly in my ear... Shhh, shhh, shhh... I will forever hold you. Shhh, shhh, shhh... we are really together and I love you... my beloved. You stroke my hair and gently touch my face ... my tears cannot help but slip down my face You really are the sum of all my desires. My eyes are closed but I know night has fallen, I feel it. I open my eyes to see so many stars twinkling and playing in the night sky.. it takes me back to that distinct feeling of them being a blanket; like the world was literally being wrapped up in them. You felt very near in that moment. I realize I don't even need a fire here... You are that for me. The sky is so dazzling that this is one of those nights that there are actually shadows on the ground. We roll onto our backs my head still on Your arm and we just lay there gazing up at the heavens. After a time of quietness. .. I turn my head to look at You. I study You. You are still looking up and I see so much in each movement of Your face, Your expressions. When You turn and return my look there is that instant intensity that requires no words... it becomes an exchange between our hearts. OH... to remain here for the rest of eternity... Holy God never let me leave You ... please let me remain here forever.
I know we are walking again because I came to another thought ... You would hold everyone of Your beloved(s) so closely and intimately ... when I look into the eyes of another.. I am looking at Your Beloved and I should be moved due this. It becomes an honor again doesn't it.. to interact, to share, to connect, most of all to love. Hmmm.
We are near the stream... no it's a river. We are back aways from it but we sit here because we see the moon and stars reflecting off it's surface as we listen to it's music. What is it saying? Really? We are now floating in the river itself ... I no longer see You but I know You. I have no sense of temperature I am on my back and am bobbing along going headfirst down the river. Can I? You laugh loudly and so full of delight so I just sink in... I keep my eyes open and turn over onto my stomach... I feel such a freedom that I whoop with it... It's kind of like flying in my dreams I swim all over... deeper and side to side rolling, spinning, playing... it is just like I thought ... I knew I'd be able to breathe! Oh this is really good. Oh my Jesus, my Jesus, there are no words... :) "Whoever serves Me, follows Me so that wherever I am there my servant will be also... Whoever serves Me, My Father honors. "
Early in October while at a inner healing conference God showed up in some powerful ways. He even spoke to me outside of the conference through my sister-in-law who had a vision for me... She started off with the observation that I am NOT a water person. (never learned to swim well and I have experienced a few moments of panic while in the stuff). I was on a pebbly beach on the shore of a lake. It is very beautiful and here's the thing... Jesus is inviting me into the water. There is an assurance that I will be safe there. He is the water. That night before falling asleep the thing that overwhelmed me with a very deep delight was that I could go right under the water and stay as long as I wanted! I would not need to come up for air. I would be able to breathe. I cannot explain how deeply this amazed and delighted me that I was being invited into that.
Right at the same time my world shifted in our day to day reality as well. With my husband leaving his job this also meant we would be without a home. We have only 3 months to find out the where and what we should do. Have to admit I have many ups and downs (some very hard emotional days) but wow what a learning ground. After a month of considering and wondering and, yes, stress and worry, I realized that in my very frequent cries for Jesus to be present He was taking me to the city. But in my unrest I wasn't taking the time to be there with Him. Here's my journal entry...
Hi Jesus, I am here and I know where we are... we are in the city. We are side by side on the hill. We've been here a few times, mostly with others but now it is just us. You have brought me here a few times now but I haven't stayed here long enough to see or hear. But I am here now. Jesus what do You want me to see? What do You want me to hear? You are on my left and we are fairly close to the treeline on the east side. The hill drops off quite quickly and the grass is lush and green. It flows down and down. We can see so far. To far away rises and different wooded areas that hint of the stream at their feet. What am I looking at Jesus? Promise. Hmmm. Is that promise of who You are? Or is that promise of what is coming? You know Jesus, I think it could be an answer of both but then I am wondering am I allowed to ask really specific questions? You laugh, then turn to me smiling. Yes. My answers aren't always specific in return but that is wrapped up in purpose too. Yes I can see that and I wouldn't want it any other way. I've always wanted to live in the moment of deep need / trust in You. This really is that moment and I like holding onto that line of peace that tells me that You are still very much in control. I am continually praying for Your mercy though... we all make up 6 very different lives and that draws deep pause within that my own motives would come up very short for the others and that would be so unfair. And so I cry out for Your mercy... only in You... only where You call... only Your first choice please. I look up and Your smile broadens and You reach over and touch my cheek. Oh my Holy God... thank You so much for loving me. Tears of awe and relief spring to my eyes so easily lately... I love You soooo much Jesus. So much. We both turn and look out again. Sitting silently, my eyes roam back and forth, far to near... what is this spacious land? This wide place? It is a place for you. For me alone? Or for my family and I? As soon as that popped out I thought 'nope that wasn't the right response'... let me try again. Thank You Jesus! I turn to smile at You... thank You. I scootch closer and tuck in right by Your arm. Holding it tightly I lean in as close as I can. For us. Ohhh that sounds good. Will we be walking / journeying into it soon? Yes....
Hey Jesus, I am finally back... I want to talk to You so bad. I realize it is my fault that I am hesitant to hear You... I am doubting You and I need to say I am sooo sorry. Jesus please be merciful and help me get beyond my lack of faith in You. I know You are faithful. I know this... You are ultimately the most able, Sovereign, my creator and the lover of my soul. The only One worthy of all trust and faith and love is You. Jesus please forgive me again for my doubt reflected in my action. Okay so can we go back to the hill? You grab my hand and we are there. Instead of sitting down though we start walking down the hill... really? You smile down at me. You know Jesus, I had a thought today... I think I glimpsed slightly what Moses was feeling or thinking when You told him You wouldn't be going with him (them) anymore. And how it became "then we aren't going..." For him to go from meeting with You face to face as a friend to "... go on ahead without Me..." Wow, no way... I think I get that heart refusal. That would be like ripping out my heart and life; everything and expecting to go on. No wonder You called him friend I want to so trust You. That whether You tell me details, whether You ask me to go through trial or pain or whatever I will refuse to live outside of being right beside You. Wow I like to ramble eh? Hmmm. That's more that okay. Wow You would say that. You really love me... You enjoy me... wow. So is this place me getting into the water? Yes. Ahhh, I like that. You know as soon as Brad read that part in Revelation where there was water ... it brought tears up. You immediately took me to that prophetic word from Deb and I knew that You invited me to come into the water... to come into You. It is so humbling and so what I desire... with every fiber of my being. So I am here beside You and I am wanting this now. Do we get to go exactly where You want us as a family? Yes. Whew... I cannot tell You what a deep relief this is for my ears to hear. So is all this waiting to hear and see a part of me learning to enter the water too? Yes. Hmmm. It's awfully beautiful here Jesus... this last weekend You taught me another paradign shift but strangely without the emotion I have felt with the other shifts. I think I am just starting to realize that it is hugely powerful and necessary to where You are wanting us to be. That humbles me again. I want it too Jesus, I want it too.
Can we stop here for a moment? You nod and we sit. I look back up the hill and it shows me something ... it was very safe up there. I know You know what I mean by that. My chest is actually tightening. You are so very gentle. Jesus I don't want to even be treading water in the deepest part... I want to be IN (the water) You; right in. Holy, Holy, Holy, You are my God forever and always. Anything You ask I want to do. So how fast do we go? Wow there it goes again ... that tightening... is it Your presence or call? Or is it my fear? It doesn't make sense that it is fear does it? No. You have to cling with Your faith filled eyes to truth, to who You know I am and knowing that I KNOW you. Yes. Oh I get it... I will be able to let You be You for my family; I will let You be You for my friends, my heart friendships. Things don't depend on me... and knowing You frees that all up in me. I am not responsible I can let that rest in You. I can watch and wait and listen and be so delighted when I am asked to join in. but it is on You not me. And that likewise takes my eyes off myself for focus at all really, because I become consumed with You in all things.
I need to be held by you Jesus. We lay down and You snuggle me, holding me with Your arms... Your head by mine. You whisper so quietly in my ear... Shhh, shhh, shhh... I will forever hold you. Shhh, shhh, shhh... we are really together and I love you... my beloved. You stroke my hair and gently touch my face ... my tears cannot help but slip down my face You really are the sum of all my desires. My eyes are closed but I know night has fallen, I feel it. I open my eyes to see so many stars twinkling and playing in the night sky.. it takes me back to that distinct feeling of them being a blanket; like the world was literally being wrapped up in them. You felt very near in that moment. I realize I don't even need a fire here... You are that for me. The sky is so dazzling that this is one of those nights that there are actually shadows on the ground. We roll onto our backs my head still on Your arm and we just lay there gazing up at the heavens. After a time of quietness. .. I turn my head to look at You. I study You. You are still looking up and I see so much in each movement of Your face, Your expressions. When You turn and return my look there is that instant intensity that requires no words... it becomes an exchange between our hearts. OH... to remain here for the rest of eternity... Holy God never let me leave You ... please let me remain here forever.
I know we are walking again because I came to another thought ... You would hold everyone of Your beloved(s) so closely and intimately ... when I look into the eyes of another.. I am looking at Your Beloved and I should be moved due this. It becomes an honor again doesn't it.. to interact, to share, to connect, most of all to love. Hmmm.
We are near the stream... no it's a river. We are back aways from it but we sit here because we see the moon and stars reflecting off it's surface as we listen to it's music. What is it saying? Really? We are now floating in the river itself ... I no longer see You but I know You. I have no sense of temperature I am on my back and am bobbing along going headfirst down the river. Can I? You laugh loudly and so full of delight so I just sink in... I keep my eyes open and turn over onto my stomach... I feel such a freedom that I whoop with it... It's kind of like flying in my dreams I swim all over... deeper and side to side rolling, spinning, playing... it is just like I thought ... I knew I'd be able to breathe! Oh this is really good. Oh my Jesus, my Jesus, there are no words... :) "Whoever serves Me, follows Me so that wherever I am there my servant will be also... Whoever serves Me, My Father honors. "
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