April 26/12 journal excerpt
Part of a verse popped out to me the other day in 1Kings 1:29. In the midst of King David’s now oldest son trying to become King without his Dad’s blessing and a few trying to right it by telling David about it, trying instead to get Solomon in there, David says... "....As the Lord lives, who has redeemed my soul out of every adversity, ..." and it isn’t even a full sentence haha. But here’s what I thought... wow! Oh to be able to say that at the end of my days!
Here is David very old, at the end of his days and this statement holds such depth when you think about it. I don’t think it is just a saying to say I think through all his ups and downs his mistakes and redemptions he actually lived in enough dependence upon the LORD that this was actually his experience (and as Glenn would say according to his circles message it would be knowledge for him where his beliefs have been lined up with truth in and through experience.) Interestingly, this theme of dependence upon God that requires living out beliefs is coming up again and again for me. When I recall David's life and how he lived he became a beyond competent leader and warrior full of knowledge of how to fight and with the ability to gain the trust and often absolute love of those that followed him. He could easily have run with it, leaning on his own ways and experiences to guide him but time and again he showed a preference and deference to seeking out God first and following Him regardless of what his own logic, emotion or experience told him. Side note... I think the years he spent fleeing Saul in the wilderness waiting for God's timing and honoring it to an extreme would have been the hardest time for him or in developing his dependence upon God... go with me for a minute... we know that David had done nothing wrong YET Saul wanted to kill him, He knows he has been anointed by Samuel for the role of leading God's people, think about it... it is the classic struggle for self ... I deserve.... I am wrongfully accused, I am suffering without cause, do you know who I am?? And God left him out there a long time... almost like in answering to a question, if you truly want to follow me (to lead a life following me) then you have no recourse but to be completely dependent upon Me.
Now do you think it makes sense that God would ask of us the same thing? The same level of dependence? The same deference and preference to His ways instead of our own?
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Monday, July 30, 2012
I hear You
Hey Jesus... I heard You.
I have to relearn how to live.
Ha... no small task there. And there is no option in how to look at it either... only through Your eyes and with Your heart... and any result is due You and Your Sweet Holy Spirit. This is the positive or opposite flip side to dying to self. How many times have I stressed how important it is to look at a teaching from both sides even when only one side is presented. Oh yeah... it is April 24/12...
The absolute weight of what I felt on my soul ... the lost bumbling about with nothing to fit, that logically should have... I now see the potential that perhaps, that was a time where I need to be on my face asking You to come alive in me... to fill me up to overflowing... with what instead should be my very purpose in living at all. If I am to die to self and continually to the echos of self, there is also a very real need for it to be filled with not just a mental assent to who You are but a challenge, a dare to act out the life truly lived in Your Spirit. Now I am not saying I haven't been taking steps towards this (as who can not with even the initial encounter with You!) but You are a restless God... wild and free... demanding??? holiness (loving You with all our hearts and souls and minds and strength) Which in itself literally screams the necessity of change and what is that... except a stepping out of our known places. Not into unsafe places... not places wrought with fear and danger... but into Your places, places of Your Spirit that are presently unknown to us. Places that don't ask us to bring anything but our love for You... in fact, places that don't allow us to stay with baggage even if it is just a small carry on! So these places are where we get to know what we are to do, this is where the new man truly comes to life. The You in us. Where we get to be fully human (as You intended) not less than human (corruption of our old self under bondage to sin and death) I am starting to recognize how lessons from You may sound so repetitive but mean so much more even just one layer deeper. When we apply new knowledge to our lives the exponentially sharper effect on the learning curve is astounding. My words my never be able to convey the absolute depth of havoc and then pain of learning that each layer of the same lesson teaches me but the absolute thrill of feeling the presence of the Holy Spirit working and changing me is nothing I can ever reproduce myself. There is just so much to learn, let me never be arrogant thinking I've got it cause I don't... can we ever attain all of who God is? It is ridiculous even to say it! Yet are we not saying that exact thing when we take what we have been given, taught or shown and refuse any more?
If I step back right now and re look at where I have been and what I now see it as... I wonder inside if this is just one more prod to speak... if I am going to be out in the left field of You, daring to try even if I fall on my face... then I want to err on doing instead of not doing. I am tired of just thinking, I want to apply.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
What if...
April 23/12 Journal entry.
Dearest Reader,
The other day I was having one of those I really need Jesus days. The kind where I tend to bumble about trying to keep afloat in the swelling ache and need of my heart or of being lost in it. A friend suggested I go to Jesus and ask Him 'what if' ... and see what He had to say.
What if....
What if I walked into the room right now?
What if You stayed?
What if I did?
I'd cry.
What if....
What if I've already told You what to do. And what is coming?
Then You are asking me to obey (obedience out of love)... and to probably stop thinking (anticipating) so much and be present for each moment.
What if I feel really weak and that I want You to be here with me more than I want my next breath?
What if?
Well I suppose then, you may have just caught a portion of how deeply I want to be with you too.
What if I have missed the boat Jesus? What if I never get in the boat? What if I miss the point and forever have wasted the time You gave me here?
Do you love me?
Yes.
Then I suppose you haven't missed it at all.
Dearest Reader,
The other day I was having one of those I really need Jesus days. The kind where I tend to bumble about trying to keep afloat in the swelling ache and need of my heart or of being lost in it. A friend suggested I go to Jesus and ask Him 'what if' ... and see what He had to say.
What if....
What if I walked into the room right now?
What if You stayed?
What if I did?
I'd cry.
What if....
What if I've already told You what to do. And what is coming?
Then You are asking me to obey (obedience out of love)... and to probably stop thinking (anticipating) so much and be present for each moment.
What if I feel really weak and that I want You to be here with me more than I want my next breath?
What if?
Well I suppose then, you may have just caught a portion of how deeply I want to be with you too.
What if I have missed the boat Jesus? What if I never get in the boat? What if I miss the point and forever have wasted the time You gave me here?
Do you love me?
Yes.
Then I suppose you haven't missed it at all.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Where else am I going to go?
Where else am I going to go?
Jesus, those are the words that echo through my mind and heart... they may sound simple but it implies so much more. Your reply will always be the same... You are faithful beyond comprehension and I wonder if I ever dare try to wrap my mind around all it is... it seems forever intertwined with Your faithfulness. Your unending love and desire for us. I wonder if I really grasped the cost it is to You for this... how my soul would handle this kind of knowledge. From heart wrenching to feeling my wretchedness. From paralyzing awe to the desperation of my fallibility. To being pushed beyond what I can handle in light of it, for it to become the knowledge that is KNOWN by and wrapped up by Your impenetrable truth.
Jesus You are making my chest ache. And it feels hard. It makes me feel desperate somehow... the desire, the need, the wish to be in Your arms more than anywhere else in the world or in existence. Life frustrates me as it also delights me and it is due You (in the good sense of course lol)
... hang on...
You are not asking me to just meet You intellectually and spiritually ... You are asking me for a related crossover into living that reality out. I may be doing that to an extent but it is a pretty poor shadow isn't it. Mostly when I take a moment to consider the ramifications of this lived out I am instantly at a loss as to what to do or how to proceed. but I don't need a 'plan' do I? Because it really isn't about what we do but how we do it... Instead in light of my understanding of who You are is the true base from which I need to work and live and respond out of. So no matter what is happening small to large my faith requires me to respond to all things out of the truth of You. injustice, hurt, wounding, apathy... they and all their incidents really are neither here nor there for in light of Your infinitely deep love for us we KNOW we are loved, cared for, fought for, we are special, sought after, wanted. We are allowed then to give these burdens to You to carry because we are so 'belonging' to You, intertwined with You due to Your love... we are asked to live free... to not only let go of burdens but to reciprocate with Your heart and Your love. We don't even have to come up with it on our own but can ask for it from You moment to moment.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Seeing
March 28/ 12... my last entry for today lol...
The main reason I am back is because I wanted to spend some more time with You on the roof. The evening sun seems to reflect the calm and satisfaction I feel deep inside of being with You. We lay flat on our backs... content to look up into the sky watching the clouds scuttling by and gradually the mood of it shifts into a time of twilight. I do not desire to move even a muscle right now except to feel Your fingers intertwined with mine. I suppose we can even talk or communicate without speaking a word aloud. It's like we are one... You have always known what is in the deepest parts of me and understood me before I could. I have spent years reacting without considering the source or root but You knew all along. I feel like a display of my many emotions... passions... grasping to understand... now dance across the sky in colors and movement. It isn't embarrassing nor do I cringe to see it so bold and out there but I lay here, just watching. It is me... crazy old me. And it is You showing me me which is pretty much the deepest kind of sharing. For there is no judgement.
As the last vestiges of the day's light extinguishes we find ourselves sitting back on the edge of the building this time facing south and west. The air is real warm. And it doesn't seem to take very long before the clouds completely disappear and reveal a crazy clear night sky. In fact it is so dynamic and sparkling that it's almost loud. haha. I lay down on my back with my head on Your lap to better look into the sky.
What do you see?
You.
The main reason I am back is because I wanted to spend some more time with You on the roof. The evening sun seems to reflect the calm and satisfaction I feel deep inside of being with You. We lay flat on our backs... content to look up into the sky watching the clouds scuttling by and gradually the mood of it shifts into a time of twilight. I do not desire to move even a muscle right now except to feel Your fingers intertwined with mine. I suppose we can even talk or communicate without speaking a word aloud. It's like we are one... You have always known what is in the deepest parts of me and understood me before I could. I have spent years reacting without considering the source or root but You knew all along. I feel like a display of my many emotions... passions... grasping to understand... now dance across the sky in colors and movement. It isn't embarrassing nor do I cringe to see it so bold and out there but I lay here, just watching. It is me... crazy old me. And it is You showing me me which is pretty much the deepest kind of sharing. For there is no judgement.
As the last vestiges of the day's light extinguishes we find ourselves sitting back on the edge of the building this time facing south and west. The air is real warm. And it doesn't seem to take very long before the clouds completely disappear and reveal a crazy clear night sky. In fact it is so dynamic and sparkling that it's almost loud. haha. I lay down on my back with my head on Your lap to better look into the sky.
What do you see?
You.
Realizations on the roof
March 28/12 Journal entry.
I have to say I recognized myself in 2 Samuel 14 today... in the crazy actions of David really. He longed for his son Absolom and yet would not let him return to Jerusalem because of his murder of Amnon. YET when put in a different light he recognized the logic of action in allowing the son who had murdered to not only live but to be at home. So he allows Absolom back to the city BUT not into his presence. Two years later... Absolom figures out a way to see his Dad...
And I was brought up short in the brokenness of their relationship, that reeled in the struggle between mind and heart.
My point in bringing all this up is because I identify with the inability to act properly even when logically/mentally I have reconciled what the outcome should be and why (Your way). What a curious and damaging thing it becomes when it no longer matters what you have decided inside (which springs from You and wanting what is right and to be reconciled... to love as You do without condition) but it is the message of what the actions are saying that is the only thing that will be heard, and without doubt, it will cause wounding and damage (as our flesh mets out judgement and punishment - whether out of our own hurt or sense of what is right... fleshly). Anyways I recognized that today.
However... You are stronger, than our flesh. But acting in obedience only half way is, I worry, more damaging than not obeying at all. Abba Father please forgive me holding onto my stubborn ways and disobedience to be fully submitted to You. Please Father help me surrender all day today to Your Holy Spirit... today and always. Holy Holy Holy.
...so Jesus as we sit on this roof top this morning watching the sun rise I feel much closer to You (as in, friend to friend) I don't feel the pressure of guilt or the guardedness of regret instead I feel free to babble on, spilling out my heart to You. My silly thoughts and wonderings. I feel like laughing a lot more. How are You this morning?
Delighted and pleased. Excited to move ahead and into things with you. I talk about you all the time with Abba and to have you want to be in a place where we move as one is like a high. It is times like this that makes Me relish in our Plan of redemption.
Tell me more.
I have waited for you. In many ways... before you were here, while you were here, the times of waiting for you to return to Me, or to hear Me... without a filter. I have waited for you. To let the times of learning and experience build up, together speaking a truth that you are accepting in some ways only now. I have waited for you. To know Me. To love Me. To love Me above all things, expectations, desires and others... even above yourself.
While You spoke we leaned in close together... as if soaking up our exchange not only in words but in other ways too... You jump up after sharing and give a big old whoop into the expanse of the heavens... I laugh from way down deep and lay back on the roof stretching my arms out as if to hug the sky and all that has been declared.
I have to say I recognized myself in 2 Samuel 14 today... in the crazy actions of David really. He longed for his son Absolom and yet would not let him return to Jerusalem because of his murder of Amnon. YET when put in a different light he recognized the logic of action in allowing the son who had murdered to not only live but to be at home. So he allows Absolom back to the city BUT not into his presence. Two years later... Absolom figures out a way to see his Dad...
And I was brought up short in the brokenness of their relationship, that reeled in the struggle between mind and heart.
My point in bringing all this up is because I identify with the inability to act properly even when logically/mentally I have reconciled what the outcome should be and why (Your way). What a curious and damaging thing it becomes when it no longer matters what you have decided inside (which springs from You and wanting what is right and to be reconciled... to love as You do without condition) but it is the message of what the actions are saying that is the only thing that will be heard, and without doubt, it will cause wounding and damage (as our flesh mets out judgement and punishment - whether out of our own hurt or sense of what is right... fleshly). Anyways I recognized that today.
However... You are stronger, than our flesh. But acting in obedience only half way is, I worry, more damaging than not obeying at all. Abba Father please forgive me holding onto my stubborn ways and disobedience to be fully submitted to You. Please Father help me surrender all day today to Your Holy Spirit... today and always. Holy Holy Holy.
...so Jesus as we sit on this roof top this morning watching the sun rise I feel much closer to You (as in, friend to friend) I don't feel the pressure of guilt or the guardedness of regret instead I feel free to babble on, spilling out my heart to You. My silly thoughts and wonderings. I feel like laughing a lot more. How are You this morning?
Delighted and pleased. Excited to move ahead and into things with you. I talk about you all the time with Abba and to have you want to be in a place where we move as one is like a high. It is times like this that makes Me relish in our Plan of redemption.
Tell me more.
I have waited for you. In many ways... before you were here, while you were here, the times of waiting for you to return to Me, or to hear Me... without a filter. I have waited for you. To let the times of learning and experience build up, together speaking a truth that you are accepting in some ways only now. I have waited for you. To know Me. To love Me. To love Me above all things, expectations, desires and others... even above yourself.
While You spoke we leaned in close together... as if soaking up our exchange not only in words but in other ways too... You jump up after sharing and give a big old whoop into the expanse of the heavens... I laugh from way down deep and lay back on the roof stretching my arms out as if to hug the sky and all that has been declared.
Monday, July 23, 2012
on the roof part two
March 27/12... journal entry continued...
Jesus it is still the 27th but I have probably 2 min to write and I didn't want to pass it up.
It is hard to put into an image what the mind sees or what the heart feels. It makes so much sense inside but expressing it is a whole other thing. It's frustrating because it is never good enough or accurate or hmmm.
We are still on the roof but it is much later in the day. I am committed to sitting here as long as You want which translated probably more accurately means until I am ready for what You have for me. lol. I realize my attitude is somber but I don't think that is bad... it just is. I am looking forward to the nothingness of sleep but I guess that is wrong too... my dreams have been so dark. Jesus I guess I really wanted to look again into Your face to make sure I am okay. No one or nothing reminds me of who I really am but You. You really are all that matters. Of course you are alright... I never leave You, ever.
I really meant what I was praying this afternoon, about how I want to be enamoured with You always, anticipating meeting with You, unable to get You off my mind, having my whole world colored because of being with You. There is a sweetness in living for a time where I must choose You without seeing You. For when I am finally in Your full presence there would be no choice left but to adore You so completely and be filled with the want to worship You always. I know I grasped this thought a long time ago but I need to dwell on it again. The sweetness of and absolute heart wrenching ache (on both sides) of this relationship. Of course Your pain is more acute, for You know all things and the patience with which You wait continues to boggle my mind. I am so fickle while You are just so true and faithful.
Oh! That brings to mind a moment from yesterday while putting on my socks lol. I had a brief moment of clarity in which the image of my thoughts were never so clearly as similar as to what a parable is like. Where if I ever had to watch the one I love leave I would want one thing to be without question and it would be my love for him. But also that desire of him... to remain true. And in that moment of seeing, feeling and thoughts playing out, I thought of You. You so want us to be true to You. You say it over and over and over. In command and in sweet alluring words. Love Me only, Love Me only, come back and Love Me only. You so often relate us as Your bride, who sadly has so often been unfaithful, adulterous, and there is consequence to it but You just keep loving us... calling to us...
Jesus it is still the 27th but I have probably 2 min to write and I didn't want to pass it up.
It is hard to put into an image what the mind sees or what the heart feels. It makes so much sense inside but expressing it is a whole other thing. It's frustrating because it is never good enough or accurate or hmmm.
We are still on the roof but it is much later in the day. I am committed to sitting here as long as You want which translated probably more accurately means until I am ready for what You have for me. lol. I realize my attitude is somber but I don't think that is bad... it just is. I am looking forward to the nothingness of sleep but I guess that is wrong too... my dreams have been so dark. Jesus I guess I really wanted to look again into Your face to make sure I am okay. No one or nothing reminds me of who I really am but You. You really are all that matters. Of course you are alright... I never leave You, ever.
I really meant what I was praying this afternoon, about how I want to be enamoured with You always, anticipating meeting with You, unable to get You off my mind, having my whole world colored because of being with You. There is a sweetness in living for a time where I must choose You without seeing You. For when I am finally in Your full presence there would be no choice left but to adore You so completely and be filled with the want to worship You always. I know I grasped this thought a long time ago but I need to dwell on it again. The sweetness of and absolute heart wrenching ache (on both sides) of this relationship. Of course Your pain is more acute, for You know all things and the patience with which You wait continues to boggle my mind. I am so fickle while You are just so true and faithful.
Oh! That brings to mind a moment from yesterday while putting on my socks lol. I had a brief moment of clarity in which the image of my thoughts were never so clearly as similar as to what a parable is like. Where if I ever had to watch the one I love leave I would want one thing to be without question and it would be my love for him. But also that desire of him... to remain true. And in that moment of seeing, feeling and thoughts playing out, I thought of You. You so want us to be true to You. You say it over and over and over. In command and in sweet alluring words. Love Me only, Love Me only, come back and Love Me only. You so often relate us as Your bride, who sadly has so often been unfaithful, adulterous, and there is consequence to it but You just keep loving us... calling to us...
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