July 28/11... journal entry...
I have no idea what to write or where to meet so please guide this time. When Brad suggested that the city is my heart something kind of clicked. Huh... so why am I surprised when more of the city shows up? And really, what of the people I pray for that I don't know? A couple of thoughts. I am okay with obeying and following Your lead even when I have no clue. What if there is a twofold purpose for praying? What if in watching You minister to the hurt and broken You reveal Yourself to me and heal what is inside me too?
What if we had a bench by the river's edge? Two different kinds of meeting wouldn't it be? On the edge of a cliff and by the water ... both asking me to step into the unknown but one feels like more of obedience and following while the other is into You.
Dearest Reader... In case you are just joining me, I first explained the significance of what water has come to mean to me in a post November 15/09.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Journal excerpts...July 12/11
Morning Jesus I never did get back to the computer yesterday. I just am needing to spend some time with You ...
So we are walking along the roof lines and setting down candles some of them are inside of glass candle holders, some are in regular jars, while others are in nothing. I believe this is for the girl. I am following You.
We then, go into the building we have spent the last few days in and run down the very dark stairwell. You give the door a big push and we spill out into the bright sunlight on the street. We are laughing and enjoying everything. You grab my hand and lead me between two building ... like always there is nothing but the buildings themselves ... no dirt or rocks, no garbage or anything in the alley. We come out of the alley and run across another street into the next alley ... wow! I had no idea there was another street yet! We are headed north. When we emerge again we are at the bottom of the green, there is a soft grass and dirt road that is winding it's way west which then curves into the trees.
I am a little *scared inside, and I will explain this later, so I jump up on Your back to enter into where You are taking me. You are not in the least bothered, of course, and saunter with an easy stride towards the bend and the trees. I put my head down on my arm on Your shoulder... lol trying to get even closer to You. As we start the turn I see a sea of green. The trees now on both sides of the road are able to reach their branches over towards one another creating such a beautiful mottled canopy of light and green playing with one another in the breeze. My friend I have been praying for is nearby isn't she? Umhmm. I jump down and You hold my hand as we continue on. I am so dazzled by the beauty that I forget to breathe in the rich heady scent of what surrounds us. I hear water and You stop me. I cannot see where the path is going now but we aren't following it anymore. We enter the trees and brush and instantly it feels like we are in another world. Everything changes... light, perspective, sound, smell it's so amazing but we are not in here long ... as we walked, it was as if a path just revealed itself as we walked forward. Just as suddenly we enter a clearing with the most beautiful pool and the rocks that are on the one side to a ledge higher up is the source of the pool's water. It isn't a rushing waterfall but a quiet and constant one. The water trickles and falls and moves with soft voices all the way down to the pool. There you are my friend... in the sun, eyes closed in a very deep rest. I look at where we have come from and am not surprised, really, to see a very worn path that without a doubt Your feet know well. I walk a little closer to the water's edge and sit on a low flat rock. You move close to her and sit alongside her. You gently take her hand and I see her automatically shift closer... laying her head against the front of Your shoulder.
Like I have seen so many times before, Your lips are moving as You speak right to her heart and soul, I hear nothing but know they will hit their mark. In the reverence of the moment I bow on my knees and let my heart swell with all that is within ... my devotion, my love, my awe, my all. Holy, Holy, Holy, let not one Word fall to the ground ever... so surround her with Your protective hands that the ministry and healing that happens here will never leave her but leave her changed forever. Holy, Holy, Holy, let Your very presence literally soak in and saturate her... oh that she would know such a depth of freedom in You. Holy, Holy, Holy.
*dearest Reader I will now explain my fear. Even after all the times I have met with Jesus there are moments that I know without a doubt a place is not a result of my imagination at all... in those moments I become afraid. Jesus is taking me somewhere I didn't see coming or cannot even fathom or dream up what could be behind that door or around that corner. In these moments in my utter lack of control besides the decision of going forward or not; I am at His mercy and all the insecurities swell up and I fear ... who am I? what if I can't handle it? what if I don't see? You know what? God can feel scary. He is huge and beyond my comprehension. And yes I know who I am in Jesus but I also know who I am and that, my friend, is cause for great fear when in the presence of Him.
Morning Jesus I never did get back to the computer yesterday. I just am needing to spend some time with You ...
So we are walking along the roof lines and setting down candles some of them are inside of glass candle holders, some are in regular jars, while others are in nothing. I believe this is for the girl. I am following You.
We then, go into the building we have spent the last few days in and run down the very dark stairwell. You give the door a big push and we spill out into the bright sunlight on the street. We are laughing and enjoying everything. You grab my hand and lead me between two building ... like always there is nothing but the buildings themselves ... no dirt or rocks, no garbage or anything in the alley. We come out of the alley and run across another street into the next alley ... wow! I had no idea there was another street yet! We are headed north. When we emerge again we are at the bottom of the green, there is a soft grass and dirt road that is winding it's way west which then curves into the trees.
I am a little *scared inside, and I will explain this later, so I jump up on Your back to enter into where You are taking me. You are not in the least bothered, of course, and saunter with an easy stride towards the bend and the trees. I put my head down on my arm on Your shoulder... lol trying to get even closer to You. As we start the turn I see a sea of green. The trees now on both sides of the road are able to reach their branches over towards one another creating such a beautiful mottled canopy of light and green playing with one another in the breeze. My friend I have been praying for is nearby isn't she? Umhmm. I jump down and You hold my hand as we continue on. I am so dazzled by the beauty that I forget to breathe in the rich heady scent of what surrounds us. I hear water and You stop me. I cannot see where the path is going now but we aren't following it anymore. We enter the trees and brush and instantly it feels like we are in another world. Everything changes... light, perspective, sound, smell it's so amazing but we are not in here long ... as we walked, it was as if a path just revealed itself as we walked forward. Just as suddenly we enter a clearing with the most beautiful pool and the rocks that are on the one side to a ledge higher up is the source of the pool's water. It isn't a rushing waterfall but a quiet and constant one. The water trickles and falls and moves with soft voices all the way down to the pool. There you are my friend... in the sun, eyes closed in a very deep rest. I look at where we have come from and am not surprised, really, to see a very worn path that without a doubt Your feet know well. I walk a little closer to the water's edge and sit on a low flat rock. You move close to her and sit alongside her. You gently take her hand and I see her automatically shift closer... laying her head against the front of Your shoulder.
Like I have seen so many times before, Your lips are moving as You speak right to her heart and soul, I hear nothing but know they will hit their mark. In the reverence of the moment I bow on my knees and let my heart swell with all that is within ... my devotion, my love, my awe, my all. Holy, Holy, Holy, let not one Word fall to the ground ever... so surround her with Your protective hands that the ministry and healing that happens here will never leave her but leave her changed forever. Holy, Holy, Holy, let Your very presence literally soak in and saturate her... oh that she would know such a depth of freedom in You. Holy, Holy, Holy.
*dearest Reader I will now explain my fear. Even after all the times I have met with Jesus there are moments that I know without a doubt a place is not a result of my imagination at all... in those moments I become afraid. Jesus is taking me somewhere I didn't see coming or cannot even fathom or dream up what could be behind that door or around that corner. In these moments in my utter lack of control besides the decision of going forward or not; I am at His mercy and all the insecurities swell up and I fear ... who am I? what if I can't handle it? what if I don't see? You know what? God can feel scary. He is huge and beyond my comprehension. And yes I know who I am in Jesus but I also know who I am and that, my friend, is cause for great fear when in the presence of Him.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
July 10/11... journal entry.
How is she this morning Jesus?
I don't see her at the window but both our windows have remained open all night. The morning air is brisk but is laced with morning blossoms and newness. I breathe in deep as I scan the buildings and the streets for her. But inside I know she is still in the room, hopefully, curled up sleeping. My mind wants to bound and skip ahead but I reign it in, lol, and look up at You. You are standing beside the window now. I look around the room we are in and interestingly there are only 2 pieces of furniture, a couch and a huge comfy arm chair. There are a few candles here and there that have obviously been burned almost to the end. A blanket lays recklessly off the end of the couch and really that is all. As our eyes meet I see that gleam and it makes me smile I can't wait to hear what You are thinking.
I know this may seem odd to ask and I really think I'll understand both ways but am I allowed a hug when we are here for her? I mean I am in Your presence which is an unimaginable and rich a gift as anything... huh... it makes me think of the prodigal son's brother. He didn't even see the blessing of his life lived and working alongside his father. His blessing was so far reaching and all he'd ever really known that he didn't even see it anymore and literally begrudged his brother's return and susequent acceptance ... and even though his brother was restored to his father the issues and consequences of his life would still have to be worked through and dealt with. That also makes me think of the woman who wept and kissed Your feet wiping them with her hair and You asking who would love You more, the one whom had many sins forgiven or just a few ... perhaps it is the now fervored love of one restored that reignites the one that has remained in Your bosom ... challenging us to open our eyes anew and really see what is happening, where we are existing, whose home we live in.
How is she this morning Jesus?
I don't see her at the window but both our windows have remained open all night. The morning air is brisk but is laced with morning blossoms and newness. I breathe in deep as I scan the buildings and the streets for her. But inside I know she is still in the room, hopefully, curled up sleeping. My mind wants to bound and skip ahead but I reign it in, lol, and look up at You. You are standing beside the window now. I look around the room we are in and interestingly there are only 2 pieces of furniture, a couch and a huge comfy arm chair. There are a few candles here and there that have obviously been burned almost to the end. A blanket lays recklessly off the end of the couch and really that is all. As our eyes meet I see that gleam and it makes me smile I can't wait to hear what You are thinking.
I know this may seem odd to ask and I really think I'll understand both ways but am I allowed a hug when we are here for her? I mean I am in Your presence which is an unimaginable and rich a gift as anything... huh... it makes me think of the prodigal son's brother. He didn't even see the blessing of his life lived and working alongside his father. His blessing was so far reaching and all he'd ever really known that he didn't even see it anymore and literally begrudged his brother's return and susequent acceptance ... and even though his brother was restored to his father the issues and consequences of his life would still have to be worked through and dealt with. That also makes me think of the woman who wept and kissed Your feet wiping them with her hair and You asking who would love You more, the one whom had many sins forgiven or just a few ... perhaps it is the now fervored love of one restored that reignites the one that has remained in Your bosom ... challenging us to open our eyes anew and really see what is happening, where we are existing, whose home we live in.
Friday, January 20, 2012
July 9/11... journal entry.
Morning Jesus so I heard through the grapevine that You were talking about me :) Love You too. In fact I am actually feeling that welling up inside and I can't describe just how much I love that and want to thank You for it! (Learning lesson slowly hehehe) I guess I really just wanted to start this day out looking at You.
We are sitting on the ledge of an open window, the kind where they whole window opens up like doors... the light drapes are billowing silently into the room behind us. There is a walkway outside kind of like a fire escape wrought iron railing and only the width of a couple of people. I sit with my knees drawn up and my arms wrapped around them my back against the window frame I sometimes look out and around but then always come back to You. You have this air of comfort where ever You are. There is never doubt or worry to be read in Your face or body language... just an assured contentedness and control. You make me feel so safe. Now that I am thinking about it You say so very much without words... I just need to pay attention.... keep my eyes on You.
Most of the day has past now since I wrote that but I would love to return even for a few moments. I believe I know where we are Jesus. I think we are on the upper floor of the building we came into and had that meeting with all those others. That seems so long ago. This window faces north and it seems from the view that the ground gradually rises as it heads north which eventually leads to the hill top with the fountain and pool. The row of buildings across the street are a variety of heights... of some I can see the roof tops others only a row of blank windows stare back at me. This city is quite something for nothing is here that doesn't have meaning.
This has many times been a place where we have met with others... is there someone with us now? I see You raise Your arm and point across the street to a window similar to ours. Funny how I never saw her before but she sits almost hidden in the shadows at the edges. Her eyes don't look up she looks very alone and at the moment, kind of lost... in what I can only presume is a swirl of negative thoughts and emotion. I glance up to Your face to see what You are saying or thinking. I see a wistful longing cross Your face as You turn to look into my face. I also see Your mouth turn up into a half smile and although there is a sadness touching Your eyes I also see an eternal determination, a resolute calm. She sinks a little lower now laying her head on her crossed arms facing the opposite direction. You close Your eyes now and so softly I hear You begin to sing. A melody so pure and sweet that resonates with love so thick it would drip like honey off the notes. I move closer to You and then, I too, close my eyes feeling the music. You sing. With reverence of this Holy moment I reach out tentatively till my fingertips touch Your clothing. I let my heart and soul reach out to join Your music and I add what harmony I can more as a response than an addition but it comes from Your Spirit within me without a doubt. I have no idea what she hears but something is carried along with the breeze I am sure. A scent of night flowers drifts down from somewhere and I smell it come and go on the occasional breeze. The sun starts to sink which casts the stark contrast of a bright sun against the growing navy and purple bruising of shadows. The light becomes so warm in color as it dances and changes so fast in the west. It's touch so gentle and quick but with a power that changes the color of the buildings, streets and everything in it's path.
Morning Jesus so I heard through the grapevine that You were talking about me :) Love You too. In fact I am actually feeling that welling up inside and I can't describe just how much I love that and want to thank You for it! (Learning lesson slowly hehehe) I guess I really just wanted to start this day out looking at You.
We are sitting on the ledge of an open window, the kind where they whole window opens up like doors... the light drapes are billowing silently into the room behind us. There is a walkway outside kind of like a fire escape wrought iron railing and only the width of a couple of people. I sit with my knees drawn up and my arms wrapped around them my back against the window frame I sometimes look out and around but then always come back to You. You have this air of comfort where ever You are. There is never doubt or worry to be read in Your face or body language... just an assured contentedness and control. You make me feel so safe. Now that I am thinking about it You say so very much without words... I just need to pay attention.... keep my eyes on You.
Most of the day has past now since I wrote that but I would love to return even for a few moments. I believe I know where we are Jesus. I think we are on the upper floor of the building we came into and had that meeting with all those others. That seems so long ago. This window faces north and it seems from the view that the ground gradually rises as it heads north which eventually leads to the hill top with the fountain and pool. The row of buildings across the street are a variety of heights... of some I can see the roof tops others only a row of blank windows stare back at me. This city is quite something for nothing is here that doesn't have meaning.
This has many times been a place where we have met with others... is there someone with us now? I see You raise Your arm and point across the street to a window similar to ours. Funny how I never saw her before but she sits almost hidden in the shadows at the edges. Her eyes don't look up she looks very alone and at the moment, kind of lost... in what I can only presume is a swirl of negative thoughts and emotion. I glance up to Your face to see what You are saying or thinking. I see a wistful longing cross Your face as You turn to look into my face. I also see Your mouth turn up into a half smile and although there is a sadness touching Your eyes I also see an eternal determination, a resolute calm. She sinks a little lower now laying her head on her crossed arms facing the opposite direction. You close Your eyes now and so softly I hear You begin to sing. A melody so pure and sweet that resonates with love so thick it would drip like honey off the notes. I move closer to You and then, I too, close my eyes feeling the music. You sing. With reverence of this Holy moment I reach out tentatively till my fingertips touch Your clothing. I let my heart and soul reach out to join Your music and I add what harmony I can more as a response than an addition but it comes from Your Spirit within me without a doubt. I have no idea what she hears but something is carried along with the breeze I am sure. A scent of night flowers drifts down from somewhere and I smell it come and go on the occasional breeze. The sun starts to sink which casts the stark contrast of a bright sun against the growing navy and purple bruising of shadows. The light becomes so warm in color as it dances and changes so fast in the west. It's touch so gentle and quick but with a power that changes the color of the buildings, streets and everything in it's path.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
journal entry...July 7/11
This word pad is Yours and mine inbox I figure. Well I could use more than a message after my errant ways lately. Jesus I love You crazy much. I also figure that You know where I am so my prayer is please help me find You.
I run up behind you two and already You are on Your feet coming towards me with Your arms outstretched to swoop me up. I hold on tight with a grip that resonates with a touch of hysteria and desperation. It's been so long Jesus is all I can mumble out between my tears. Then as quick as the words come out we are still and You are holding my face in Your hands...I was always here Tam You just weren't listening or looking or reaching out and even though all You see, for the most part, is the pain and frustration of these times, I see the bigger picture and plan and although the road isn't always desired it is what it is. What do You choose to do with all that happens? What do You allow to speak to you? Teach you? What turns into conviction and desire? What pushes you way out into the unknown and far away for comfortableness? I ache each moment you don't look at Me and you know why that is... because of the way I love You. I feel deep jealousy for you ... I can't see through my tears anymore so I close my eyes and feel Your finger brush away my tears. You pull me back in for a hug and hold me. After a bit I hear You chuckle and I cannot help but respond in the same way.
So what is with the stack of sheets? What is it that I already know? What was familiar about this go around? Well it smacked of my lent lesson for sure, my absolute lack of ability to do what I wanted to do or what I knew I should be doing. Which equates essentially to my complete dependence on You. Now I would ask why the same lesson again... but I think it must be a further learning to exist knowing this so that it becomes one of those foundational things that is firmly established in where You are taking me or steering me? Or better put so I remember I am not in control You are. Lol to exist in reality not illusion.
This word pad is Yours and mine inbox I figure. Well I could use more than a message after my errant ways lately. Jesus I love You crazy much. I also figure that You know where I am so my prayer is please help me find You.
I run up behind you two and already You are on Your feet coming towards me with Your arms outstretched to swoop me up. I hold on tight with a grip that resonates with a touch of hysteria and desperation. It's been so long Jesus is all I can mumble out between my tears. Then as quick as the words come out we are still and You are holding my face in Your hands...I was always here Tam You just weren't listening or looking or reaching out and even though all You see, for the most part, is the pain and frustration of these times, I see the bigger picture and plan and although the road isn't always desired it is what it is. What do You choose to do with all that happens? What do You allow to speak to you? Teach you? What turns into conviction and desire? What pushes you way out into the unknown and far away for comfortableness? I ache each moment you don't look at Me and you know why that is... because of the way I love You. I feel deep jealousy for you ... I can't see through my tears anymore so I close my eyes and feel Your finger brush away my tears. You pull me back in for a hug and hold me. After a bit I hear You chuckle and I cannot help but respond in the same way.
So what is with the stack of sheets? What is it that I already know? What was familiar about this go around? Well it smacked of my lent lesson for sure, my absolute lack of ability to do what I wanted to do or what I knew I should be doing. Which equates essentially to my complete dependence on You. Now I would ask why the same lesson again... but I think it must be a further learning to exist knowing this so that it becomes one of those foundational things that is firmly established in where You are taking me or steering me? Or better put so I remember I am not in control You are. Lol to exist in reality not illusion.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Journal entry...June 15/11
Jesus I have a sick feeling in my stomach and I don't know why. What am I so unsure of? Or afraid of? My day is essentially mapped out... wow this is unsettling. Hmmm.
I feel You come up behind me and hold onto me. We stand here looking out over the edge. Oh wow I know where we are! I have missed coming here so much, in some ways almost afraid of what I am missing by not being here with You.
I soak up the fact that You are here with me... I realized earlier today that I am continually learning that I need to let You be God no matter what that means... whether it means a difference in revelation and meeting, going through whatever trial whether I know the reason or not even if it is for myself or another. But then I wondered if my desire to meet You this way is me trying to control You? Really? And in the light of the past months what do you really think?
Lol... that I am so far from control and I feel a desperately deep amount of relief and gratitude when You allow us to meet so intimately.
Your arms fall away as You come alongside me. I join You as we sit side by side on the edge of this .... what is it really? A canyon? A valley? A cliff? The sheer drop suggests canyon but everything is carpeted in such beauty. Rolling greens in innumerable shades framing the rambling river at the bottom. I know the majesty of the trees here as we have been through here before but from here they are so small the tops shifting in the breeze moved by Your unseen hand.
It's beautiful.
Yeah it is. We spend alot of time on edges and cliffs lol. Is it because when I am beside You they are just so beautiful and full of purpose and delight? All that unknown I am not yet touching but You are inviting me into? You make me brave. Your head tilts back as You laugh aloud.
And do you know what is cool about that... alot of your bravery is blind. Yes, you are getting to know Me more and more but you take leaps off just trusting that I am in it.
And yet the more I learn about You the more I realize how little I have trusted in You and it is crazy and maddening... sorry Jesus. You touch my face tenderly looking deep into my eyes, holding my gaze for a long time.
Jesus I have a sick feeling in my stomach and I don't know why. What am I so unsure of? Or afraid of? My day is essentially mapped out... wow this is unsettling. Hmmm.
I feel You come up behind me and hold onto me. We stand here looking out over the edge. Oh wow I know where we are! I have missed coming here so much, in some ways almost afraid of what I am missing by not being here with You.
I soak up the fact that You are here with me... I realized earlier today that I am continually learning that I need to let You be God no matter what that means... whether it means a difference in revelation and meeting, going through whatever trial whether I know the reason or not even if it is for myself or another. But then I wondered if my desire to meet You this way is me trying to control You? Really? And in the light of the past months what do you really think?
Lol... that I am so far from control and I feel a desperately deep amount of relief and gratitude when You allow us to meet so intimately.
Your arms fall away as You come alongside me. I join You as we sit side by side on the edge of this .... what is it really? A canyon? A valley? A cliff? The sheer drop suggests canyon but everything is carpeted in such beauty. Rolling greens in innumerable shades framing the rambling river at the bottom. I know the majesty of the trees here as we have been through here before but from here they are so small the tops shifting in the breeze moved by Your unseen hand.
It's beautiful.
Yeah it is. We spend alot of time on edges and cliffs lol. Is it because when I am beside You they are just so beautiful and full of purpose and delight? All that unknown I am not yet touching but You are inviting me into? You make me brave. Your head tilts back as You laugh aloud.
And do you know what is cool about that... alot of your bravery is blind. Yes, you are getting to know Me more and more but you take leaps off just trusting that I am in it.
And yet the more I learn about You the more I realize how little I have trusted in You and it is crazy and maddening... sorry Jesus. You touch my face tenderly looking deep into my eyes, holding my gaze for a long time.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
June 13/11 Journal entry, number two
I don't know Jesus.
I have lost and gained ... lost again and gained even more.
When I look at my road I think one of my biggest gains is the freedom You have given me in Your Spirit. The hurt I carried for so many years I am coming to believe is actually gone. Not gone in the sense it didn't happen nor that I don't remember how it felt... but the need to be heard and for them to understand and feel remorse. I am free from that I believe. How? Cause it is what it is. You are God... I am not... nor are they.
When I want to be heard and understood, when I want to be loved perfectly... I come to You. When I need acceptance and approval it is Yours I want. I cannot love You Jesus if I do not forgive and let go of putting that expectation of perfection on those in my life.
I have a chance to love all those in my life for this time here. Some are easy, some not. Some are accepted and liked by alot of others while others are rejected... it is tough when some of those rejecting are within the body but even those that are not hold weight and sway. But here is what my heart is saying... so what? I have anywhere from a day to 30 plus years left to live... why not make it my mission to love as many as I possibly can within my time here. Accepting all reprecussions and results for what they are ... I know You can enable me to love regardless. Regardless of even my own hurt. I know You can help me see people as they are... beautiful in the face of imperfection, remarkable in their diversities, as treasured and loved by You. I don't need to put anything on the people in my life. They don't need to be You, You'll do that. Because I don't need to be about me... other's don't have to either. Now there's a freeing thought and it makes me laugh deep inside somewhere.
I have lost and gained ... lost again and gained even more.
When I look at my road I think one of my biggest gains is the freedom You have given me in Your Spirit. The hurt I carried for so many years I am coming to believe is actually gone. Not gone in the sense it didn't happen nor that I don't remember how it felt... but the need to be heard and for them to understand and feel remorse. I am free from that I believe. How? Cause it is what it is. You are God... I am not... nor are they.
When I want to be heard and understood, when I want to be loved perfectly... I come to You. When I need acceptance and approval it is Yours I want. I cannot love You Jesus if I do not forgive and let go of putting that expectation of perfection on those in my life.
I have a chance to love all those in my life for this time here. Some are easy, some not. Some are accepted and liked by alot of others while others are rejected... it is tough when some of those rejecting are within the body but even those that are not hold weight and sway. But here is what my heart is saying... so what? I have anywhere from a day to 30 plus years left to live... why not make it my mission to love as many as I possibly can within my time here. Accepting all reprecussions and results for what they are ... I know You can enable me to love regardless. Regardless of even my own hurt. I know You can help me see people as they are... beautiful in the face of imperfection, remarkable in their diversities, as treasured and loved by You. I don't need to put anything on the people in my life. They don't need to be You, You'll do that. Because I don't need to be about me... other's don't have to either. Now there's a freeing thought and it makes me laugh deep inside somewhere.
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