I just really want to be with You. Could we meet? Where would we meet Jesus? Actually I would love to ask You about the man. A friend had some wonderings about this man. You and I have talked over it a bit now and although I still remain not knowing who this is I am okay with that.
Nevertheless I am so glad it was brought up for this is one of those things that I haven't learned yet... how to followup on moments You give me. This also brought to my mind the first time that You asked me to pray for someone... that I had no clue who he was... and although when I realized that; it totally freaked me out, at the end of it I was so very honored. I couldn't explain the depth I felt, of how significant it was cause I knew I didn't understand it fully... but I did share it with a few and I was so full of thankfulness that I 'just obeyed' and followed Your leading, and was allowed this opportunity... and it was such as honor as I said before.
So I want to ask again... how is he?
Sitting on the rock outside the village, I see the man and he isn't inside all alone and hidden... he is working outside his hut. He is very involved and doesn't see us, he is working around the beauty that he sees in Your creation... the small plants and flowers taking care to use what he sees to show off what You quietly put there to bless the one that takes the time to see it. He has even fashioned a walk up to his front door. It is becoming a most inviting place... even now while he works industriously but in such peace his door sits slightly ajar. He is awaiting You isn't he? I look at You and as You smile down into my eyes I see such a look of delight and anticipation of each moment You get to spend with him. Oh the joy bubbling out of Your heart for him! That he not only is getting You and wanting to meet with You but that he is working out of the overflow of what You are growing in him... he is living in anticipation and desire of these times with You that he cannot help but show it through what he does both to ready for the next time and in processing what You leave with him each meeting ... the time when change is turning and rolling and becoming within. That open door is more significant than I first realized isn't it? He wants You more than the regular visits... he wants to be surprised by You and how better to receive this blessing than to leave the door open ... awaiting and ready. A thought just came to me... that this isn't me I thought... does he have sandals on? And that took me back to the river. The time when I wasn't hearing what You were speaking and putting within him. A change happened to him in these moments and I think that noticing that his feet were now in sandals signalled that to me ... it was such a blaring and clear but seemingly random thing to notice but now I think it was telling me that something had taken place. A significant life changing thing. Hmmmm. But he isn't wearing them right now... he is barefoot. He loves to feel the rich forest earth beneath his feet as he works and digs it up and clears away. It is cool and the scent of the earth , so full of life and as a source for growth , never seems to slip by him unnoticed. It, at times, wafts up almost intoxicating. Bringing to his mind You... and time with You. It isn't hard and packed but is almost soft and spongy beneath his steps. Where are his sandals Jesus? They are inside hanging on a hook by the door. (laugh) I bet you wonder where his goes. LOL yes! Now that You mention it... wow.. as soon as You said it I saw him on rock and up very high... a journey not taken with ease. It is a long and hot and dry journey with little to ease it but it affords such beauty in the surroundings, in the view. Wow this is the man who sat all alone in his hut... hiding and dying in his wounds of brokenness and pain. Sitting in the dark. Who was he going to see on this journey? Was it someone? I didn't tell him when I sent him out... I am teaching him to see.... Me. Hmmmmm. Will I get the honor of praying for him again... I wonder? I wonder now also about the rest of the village. Who else is out there? But this time is done for now isn't it? I feel that and I guess I want to end this with asking for myself that You would help me process this myself and learn and see and hear. Prepare my heart Jesus for what is next. I love You Jesus. I look up into Your eyes again and can't wait to return. LOL.

Morning Jesus, Yesterday was a really wild day for sure. Going to places that I didn't know why except that I felt You were asking me to.... even having them closed. Feeling that strong call to pray for the body of Christ... just a real good day for sure. Even though I went from shopping to getting home to working to soccer to journalling to bed there was a sense yesterday of purpose and rest... I felt like I spent the day listening and that felt really really good. Hmmmm.

A mighty windstorm hit the mountain but the LORD was not in the wind after the wind there was a earthquake but the LORD was not in the earthquake... after the earthquake there was a fire but the LORD was not in the fire and after the fire there was a a sound of a gentle whisper ... the LORD was in a whisper... I really think that after a day like yesterday this is delightfully true. Yes I can see how people get enamoured with the idea that You need to present big and dramatic and powerfully... but in the gentle whisper we fall broken. Never to rise the same again. You gently call us to come, to turn, to open up that door... Why must we be like Naaman whose pride was insulted that he was not met and asked to do some great thing to gain healing... and he actually turned away refusing to be healed. It wasn't what he expected or thought was on his level of importance... was it snatched away from him? Because he turned his back, did he nullify the offer? No, God continued to speak to him... through the gentle urgings of his servants that saw the truth of the situation and oh so gently challenged him... he turned.

This day will we spurn the voice of God not believing that He speaks to us all the time? ... often in an unglamorous way... in a gentle whisper. Quit looking around at others, quit comparing yourself to others and what they will think and see and speak of ... look to Jesus and let Him be Your all... let Him reveal Himself to You as He so desperately desires... and it may be in the quietest, smallest way but when we heed, we connect and we are humbled and on the knees of our soul... we cry out "Ahhhhh... Lord God... You are real! You are so wildly loving ... You are my God." You reveal truth, convict, breakdown, transform, renew, You challenge our lives, our faith, our way of thinking, our heart's perspective and desires... You... with a whisper... You... and it isn't a one time deal. You continually call our names, You continually speak and reach out... don't leave an experience of connecting with Jesus as a once in a lifetime deal... no build your life upon learning to connect with Him all the time... no matter where, no matter when... He's there, He's faithful... He's real.

I love You Jesus so so deeply please keep me in Your arms. Please help my ears to hear. Please don't let me wander away. I love You. I want You , I need You alone.

P.S. I went back and read what I posted before and I was faced with ... obvious flaws in how I looked at Sunday. It wasn't about me speaking well... it was about me needing to be closer to You so that You could speak through me. I see over and over how much I need You. I don't think I ever want to leave that state though... I will never 'arrive'... I will continue to be humbled over and over at how much more I need You than I realized the moment before... I am giving You myself ever flawed but claimed as Yours... I surrender my life my all... I can not do with myself the absolutely delightful things You can in just being willing to love me and spend Your time with me. You so humble and send me into such awe at Your willingness to love me.

So dear Reader... after that last post it lead me to remember a couple of times that Jesus asked me to LOOK AT HIM. One of the most significant times was in September 08... this is how it went.

Dear Jesus I have been through so much emotion in the last couple of days. I feel at this moment...good.. not completely settled because not all is dealt with but I feel strong in You. I know that it is only You that can make me feel this way, You alone. I have seen in me how I react, that this is beyond me. There is something about taking a life look at things. The movie today helped me do that. Hmmm. That was an act of You too wasn't it... I wasn't going to go to that movie was I. It is the hard look at good and bad that gives me pause that I so appreciate and that being good and standing for what is good is really really hard. That it hurts and is in dark times for seasons but it tests what is... what it is that you are about... what you believe in, and just how much you are willing to fight for it. And in the case of living and loving You... it is about how surrendered we can actually be to You. I am reminded of a song by Sara Groves, I think, that is singing about if You want me to walk that road of pain, of lonliness , of whatever dark think I will walk it for You... I want to be that person. Jesus I have messed up in life granted but You redeemed my life and created a new person in me. Yes, I will continue to deal with fall out and consequences of continued failure but I am Yours. I am forgiven. I am not enslaved to anyone but You. I am Yours. I am Yours. I am free. I am free. I will continue to seek You, I pray that Your Spirit will rest on me and my life more and more that I will be able, or better put, enabled to seek You more , hunger for You more... hear and see You more. I want to leave myself so far behind that I don't need to remember all the unnecessary stuff anymore because it just distracts from all the increaible things You are desiring to do on this earth before You come to claim it back. Even though the story in that movie was just that, I see parallels that encourage me and I want to thank You for speaking to me through a movie again. I so enjoy that. It seems to me a beautiful thing that You will work through this world to get Your messages across to Your people over and over again. How come You don't get tired of calling to us?
You know how you have those moments where you get it? You connect with Me and there is such a bliss, an indescribable joyous peace yet overflowing delight that you can feel physically? That is why I continue to call. You get such a little taste of what it means to be in Me... but when I experience with you those times when you get that taste and revelation and fall deeply in love with Me... that is why I call. When I get to hold you in your pain and lonliness and you see Me. That is why I call. When in the midst of turmoil and confusion you have a time of absolute worhsip of Me and you sing those words with all that you are to Me... that is why I call. When you hear me and understand my revelation... when you see and meet Me... when you cry out desparately for change and forgiveness and the ability to be abandoned to Me... when you catch that glimpse of the depth of my love for you and you are reduced to tears of awe and love and soul sorrow for anthing between us... that is why I call.
If we met right now where would we be? We would be where there is mostly darkness and we would be facing east looking at a light that was so warm and filled with soul stirring hope.
I am beside you Tam. I am holding you and there is no condemnation. There is beauty and love, I look down into Your eyes and hold Your face and I tell You... You are mine and I love you. That's all I want Jesus, to be Yours forever. To be loved by You, to love You. Why are we in the darkness? Beause you need to look at Me ... at Me alone. Am I going to need that alot in the near future? Yes. Am I able? Only in Me. Will I do it? Only in Me and My grace... throw yourself into my Word... hear it, really hear it. Discuss it with others passionately, own it , share it, live it, challenge it, in living it test it, I dare you too! You are my child. Do I only want you to have bits and pieces inbetween pain and suffering and faltering steps? No! Hear ME NOW! I AM! I AM and you are MINE! Hear Me! Know Me! Step out girl... what do you have to lose? What comfort does this world afford you? To keep in the safety of those that know you... all you'll gain is a few good feelings and memories between the torture of worrying what they think and what they are saying ... you will feel betrayal and confusion , you will be consumed more and more with doing what makes them happy and guess what? They don't know what that is. Strange eh? They first are attracted to be with you because of Me. But when you lose that hold and focus on Me what are they left with? Not with what they want. Or what first drew them in. Be strong in Me, be strong in Me ... LET ME BE STRONG IN YOU! Hold onto Me with all that you are and spend every day listening and responding to ME... and let Me take you where I want to. Life can be so much more! I am so beyond what you can know now. Take everyone around you with you! I know you like to share with the safe ones that will take time to hear and have responded positively and with understanding... but why not do more? Why do you think you have years of you writing to me? I am stronger in you than you realize tonight and right now in your life. It's time to be brave and to step back further and further as I fill you with ME. Tam you are hearing me right now and you are responding to Me.. remember this and remember to keep on... you hunger for change and growth and depth I am willing to give it ... you feel it in your chest don't you? You feel it in Your heart... I am real remember that. I can do ANYTHING! Remember that.
We are facing the light again but it is changing colors. As we watch I see a depth in the blues and whites as stark and beautiful as anything I could ever imagine. I love contrast because You are so much more than all we try to grasp of who You are and in all that ... You stand out beautiful and awesome. There is now deep but brilliant reds bursting on and into the deep midnight blues with edges of white rolling waves of sky and cloud. And now a blinding yellow white comes up and You artfully play the edges of blue with gold... You are standing behind me and holding me and I will never feel safer than this... besides being in Your actual arms that hopefully I will never ever have to leave. Jesus when I finally meet You could You hold me for eternity? Selfish huh? No. That's not selfish I've waited for years and years and beyond time to do just that... soon... don't worry... soon. Whew.

As I looked back at my month of journaling I wondered what Jesus would want me to share... so the next few posts will be sections pulled out of my letters to Jesus.
Jesus... I am in quite a state really... bouncing between the calm and surrendered to wanting feedback and affirmation but really it is Your affirmation that I need. Alot of things happened this last week. One very significant thing is the time spent talking with my sister. It gave perspectives and directions of thought that I needed and enjoyed. There is so much in life that doesn't need to hold the weight it does, especially fear. I am called to live in fear of You and living in the light of You everything else gains proper perspective and then I can enjoy moments and situations instead of being ruled by them. So because I am finding myself wanting affirmation today ... could You give that to me? .......
I need You first. I need and want You above all else. You are my God. You are God. You are Holy. I also just want to tell You Jesus how much I love this seeing and meeting with You and others. Thank You for this honor. Thank You for allowing me to join You in it.
How are You doing Jesus? Is Your heart tired today? In a way are Sundays rough on You? With all of us who miss the mark or follow blindly in ways that unknowingly are leading us away from where You want us? ....
Maybe we could lie down and just be together. Lying on our stomachs we are watching that slow trickle of water as it runs down through sand and silt and rocks and pebbles. I reach over and grab Your hand and pull it over to me. I hold it tight in my hands under my pillow and beneath my head. You lay down Your head upon the pillow ... Your face towards me. You smile then close Your eyes and I do the same. The sounds of the babbling water and flitting insects are accentuated in the heat of the sun and the otherwise quiet of the moment. I AM real. I know You are... I KNOW You are. Are you scared? No. I know what question You are about to ask... it's about the dark looming clouds You showed me a while ago and You asked if I would remember not to be afraid while I was in it. There was beauty in it... a deep beauty one can see from a distance either before or after... hmmmm. My chest gets a little tight as I wonder what is coming. Or is that just You? Open your eyes and look at Me. Look at Me always... look at Me always. Okay I will try and I must ask You and Your Spirit to help me completely in that... for even when all is calm I tend to drift and get sucked into myself and the fear of this world. Please let those times be shortened to all but a moment as I feel You lift my chin and beckon me to look into Your eyes. Jesus... I think all this unknown stuff is exciting.. I feel at times I wish I knew more but perhaps Your power is much more free in my surrender amidst the unknown. I am so at Your mercy and guidance. Boy do I love You. Please, just continue to increase my hearing. I want to do all You ask. Help me be surrendered to it all , no matter what size or shape. LOL. You are so cool.

The first day of June. Wow time goes so fast. I have to laugh in a sad pathetic way this morning cause after worship on Sunday I realize just how much better I could have spoken about where You had me last week. I missed getting across soooo much. How does that make You feel? Somehow I don't think You are disappointed yet logically (humanly) I'm not sure why... lol... just showing how raw I am I guess and that so much more work is necessary.
Oh yah... I did alot of praying without my keyboard yesterday I think I'd better write some of it down...
I think the most significant was the river...
Wow when I reread it, it seemed so short but it was such a deep and powerful time! It seemed to be a very long time when I wrote it... hmmmm. Anyways... later on I went back to see what had happened and You both were on the shore now in the heat of the sun. I didn't think it was right to be right there with You both so I, at first, was on the opposite shore but that was much too far from You so I went instead half way across the river to a large boulder and sat upon it as I watched. You were both sitting side by side facing the river and a few different things happened. One was You ... pouring into him again Your love and it squeezed out the cold and wet and things of the past. I saw You lean close to Him and pull him into You with an arm around his shoulder. You were speaking to him a many ways... at one point You were drawing in the sand between You as You spoke... finally You both got up and I knew the river had changed. It was no longer cold. And as You both stepped into the shallows I leapt up from my rock and could not help but jump in and run over to You. I jumped on Your back and we all laughed and goofed around together. Oh yah... you were both wearing sandals now.
Hey Jesus... I just have no idea where You are taking me in all this but I am sooooo needfully dependent on You. (I like that :-) So where will we go today? OHHHHH and that was so gracious of You to respond to my pleadings before church. First through Ray and then through Mr. B... about Scripture and experience. Thank You also for making it so gentle. Help me hear Jesus... help me hear. I love You , I love You, I love You...

This gets cooler... after a few days of looking back at what happened on Sunday I am thinking that God is just so big and I love getting to know Him.
Here's what I wrote in my journal that day it's a bit lacking on detail so hopefully it'll make sense and you'll see how things link together....
Hey Jesus it's me and I know... I just know I need to pray. Jesus please release him. Help him let go of whatever it is that he needs to ... to plunge right into Your arms and that place of knowing. Holy God I pray against the comfortableness of our dark places and fears, our wounds ... they need to hold no power any longer cause the desire to move on and out is there. Jesus pick him up and fly with him, let his heart and soul find a delight that he cannot help but whoop with joy and release. Oh You are such a delight beyond description. Hmmm.
Under my breath today I have either been mumbling Your Name over and over or have had a crude word come to my lips... which is a very curious thing in itself. I think it was the weight of what You were and are calling me to that caused both reactions. Even the bad one or seemingly negative one I don't think really was... It was definitely a "LISTEN!"
This afternoon while watching a movie I found that I had unconsciously grabbed onto my sweater and was holding it desperately in the middle of my chest, right over my heart ... and in that moment I knew without a doubt I had to pray. So while watching I began praying without knowing the right words I prayed... With all my heart I prayed. Holy God I need You so completely... AHHHH!!!! Even after the movie while doing stuff around the house I kept grabbing my sweater... my chest so tight with the call to pray....
Jesus I don't know what this morning in worship was all about... me bumbling about with my words and not knowing how to finish it... but I leave it in Your hands. I leave it in Your hands, I will continue on... but I wonder about my listening skills...lol... please enable me to hear so much better!!!!
Holy God... I figure, cause the weight in my chest hasn't left ... I am still to pray but how? Hmmmm. Can I just bring him to You? Hey what would I see? Where are we?
We are standing in the middle of a river... the water is strong and cold. You are holding hands with him. You alone are looking so deep in his eyes. You are speaking... without words. The water that I thought was only thigh high is actually over our waists. But the cold is not unbearable at all. In the heat of and light of You it is crisp and sharp but not numbing... I think in his relief (of being in Your presence and hearing You) his knees start to buckle but You already have him in Your arms. You are weeping over him... and his eyes are closed and tears stream from behind his eyelids. He knows he is in Your arms but cannot yet open his eyes. In this relief and release he is unable to move... Oh Jesus he loves You so much... You pull him close in to Your chest and with his face against Your chest he feels You pull in a deep breath and raggedly exhale through tears and a love literally pouring out of You. He lifts a hand up to put around Your neck and You let out a chuckle... a deep but energy spent laugh of relief and connection and joy...

Hey Jesus it's me again in a new morning... and I must say I am really excited to come this morning because that man is on my heart. I am wondering how You are going to have me pray for him. Hmmmm. I know You can help me do this because You are not limited by anything so in turn You can have me pray unaware of what I think I need to know... I love that concept and the absolute dependence on You and Your Spirit in this call. Okay Jesus, I surrender myself today, this moment to be so completely Yours in anyway You ask.

As I sit and see this man I ask You.. what do You want me to see Jesus?
I want you to see that his eyes are downcast. So much that his head is bent down, almost always. I want you to see that he worries with his hands... they fiddle and move and are uneasy because they reflect something within. I want you to see where he sits. It is always in the middle of his hut. It is the closest he can get to the fire and unknown to his conscious mind it is the only spot that a ray of sunlight comes in at a certain time of day.. it hits him on his back. I want you to see that there is no sustenance in this hut. It is similar to the experience you had of finding lambs that had crawled into a small tight place... for security and comfort in the night... only to be caught there unable to get out.. and end up dying. This seemingly safe hidden place is not what it seems.. it is a place of dying. I am the Shepherd that is come to ease them out of these places.

Oh Holy and Merciful Shepherd of us all, my heart crys out to You... Jesus please let the walls of this man's heart crumble in the light of Your presence. Jesus let him hear You singing as Your come by his place of hiding and in the sound of Your voice let the tears of longing and brokenness break forth. When he laid down tonight, he laid with his face towards the east side of the hut which was unusual for him... his head to the north , feet to the south... he had not a pillow to ease him through the night. Sleep did not come and between willing his eyes closed for certain times they snapped open when he heard the snap of a twig from Your footfall just outside the hut. His ears strained... his body rigid with the fear and anticipation of what might be lurking so close to his walls. Then You began to mumble and whisper as You touched the walls ... the fear leaving his heart he is now overwhelmed with a desire to hear... then Your voice lifts up into a song that pierces through his soul. His senses reeling in shock of what they are indeed taking in... his tears start to fall and his heart near breaks as the desire to get up and put his hands on that wall come upon him. He cannot... he cannot will his body to move at all. He seems paralyzed in his state of awe and shock and the weight of the burdens he has covered his heart and soul with. While the sound of footfalls fade as You walk on He is left with a knowing that You have left a mark upon his hut. He looks with eyes that almost feel like they could pierce through the wall to see where Your hands were laid... In his heart he can feel the presence of something new, something that is light, something not his own.. He closes his eyes .. when they open up the next day he is shocked by two astounding sights.. there is a beam of sunlight breaking through a wall and it shines right upon his chest... and in this light the second sight of awe are his own hands... they are still... and they are (if only able) clutching at his heart. To protect and hang onto what was put there in the night.