Feb 6/12
Jesus I am anxious.
And a little lost even though in very familiar territory. Kinda like it just isn't ending...
Well how about you spend some time with Me? Yeah.
We walk along the edge of the little stream pushing back branches and willows as we go. There are some rocks ahead. Instead of sitting on them though I walk further inland and sit in the mossy hollow that seems to border these boulders. I don't want to see.... I close my eyes. I listen to You move close beside me and sit on my left handside. You gently put Your arm around my shoulder and ease me down to put my head on Your lap.
It's train wrecking Jesus.
Is it?
Well it seems like it, I know I imagine in a big way, but it wasn't suppose to be like this... a bitter and ironic laugh comes out as I hear my own words. You didn't promise me perfection or even close to ideal. A heavy sigh escapes as I squeeze my eyes even tighter. I kind of wrap my arms around my legs too wanting warmth.
I want to do this Your way. At this I open my eyes and see blue. Just a bit through the evergreens. Now I am just tired. Your fingers play with my hair as we just sit and lay here.
Thinking about Me a bit aren't you? You say with a chuckle... yeah I am.
Who I am... my character... yes.
Normal things shrink down to size when it's about You or in light of You. It also makes me think about the bigger picture the 'why' of things instead of just 'what' is happening...
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Jesus, my friend and a rooftop
Feb 3/12 Journal entry.
So, Jesus, I am thinking after reading my friend's email again that it would be pretty cool to meet with both of You for a bit.
The other day You and I met and entered a new building and room... now even though I think that it will have it's place... it is the small almost hidden door in the back of the room that interests me now. I feel a flush of excitement as I look into Your eyes and get 'the nod'. I grab my friend's hand, encouraging him to follow, as I turn to find out where this will take us. Your hand which has been around his shoulders shifts and you now place both Your hands upon him as You follow him up the very narrow, squeaky, wooden staircase. We reach a sharp U turn and climb the next flight. Although narrow, the height of the stairwell is quite impressive. Only once on each flight is a soft mellow light gently taking the upper hand on the otherwise deep darkness of this way. At least six flights later I stand on the landing while You come around and take the lead to a hatch up ahead. Your great stride takes in a couple steps at a time as You effortlessly arrive at and push open the hatch above Your head that, I am sure, has not been opened in a very long time. You climb up with ease and turn around to offer a hand.
...As You lift me from the dim stairwell onto the roof I feel the great delight of discovery and I scramble to take it all in. I turn to my friend and smile... Jesus and I like edges, ledges, and cliffs of places and things. It doesn't surprise me even a bit as I sweep my arm out displaying the emptiness of this roof ... empty except for one thing. In this one item I am not surprised but I am deeply moved and recognize Your touch; Your love in it's presence. We walk across the clean but rough surface of the roof towards the couch. It is on the south east corner of the roof. Before we even get there I know... I take my place on the roof's edge, swinging my legs off the south side while my friend and Jesus sit behind me on the couch.
The couch... huh. It isn't the bench which is almost always associated with the cliff but it is the couch which is now equated with the river. (And has shown up on the river's edge more than a few times.) It is a place of deep love... an invitation to let go of everything and soak into Him. He protects here and loves... sets free and sets ablaze... it is a place of deep communion and in that He ministers but not Him alone, the one He sits with ministers to Him in return as beautifully and naturally as breathing.
Time ceases to mean anything. Whether it flies by or slows downs till it stands still... we sit.
So, Jesus, I am thinking after reading my friend's email again that it would be pretty cool to meet with both of You for a bit.
The other day You and I met and entered a new building and room... now even though I think that it will have it's place... it is the small almost hidden door in the back of the room that interests me now. I feel a flush of excitement as I look into Your eyes and get 'the nod'. I grab my friend's hand, encouraging him to follow, as I turn to find out where this will take us. Your hand which has been around his shoulders shifts and you now place both Your hands upon him as You follow him up the very narrow, squeaky, wooden staircase. We reach a sharp U turn and climb the next flight. Although narrow, the height of the stairwell is quite impressive. Only once on each flight is a soft mellow light gently taking the upper hand on the otherwise deep darkness of this way. At least six flights later I stand on the landing while You come around and take the lead to a hatch up ahead. Your great stride takes in a couple steps at a time as You effortlessly arrive at and push open the hatch above Your head that, I am sure, has not been opened in a very long time. You climb up with ease and turn around to offer a hand.
...As You lift me from the dim stairwell onto the roof I feel the great delight of discovery and I scramble to take it all in. I turn to my friend and smile... Jesus and I like edges, ledges, and cliffs of places and things. It doesn't surprise me even a bit as I sweep my arm out displaying the emptiness of this roof ... empty except for one thing. In this one item I am not surprised but I am deeply moved and recognize Your touch; Your love in it's presence. We walk across the clean but rough surface of the roof towards the couch. It is on the south east corner of the roof. Before we even get there I know... I take my place on the roof's edge, swinging my legs off the south side while my friend and Jesus sit behind me on the couch.
The couch... huh. It isn't the bench which is almost always associated with the cliff but it is the couch which is now equated with the river. (And has shown up on the river's edge more than a few times.) It is a place of deep love... an invitation to let go of everything and soak into Him. He protects here and loves... sets free and sets ablaze... it is a place of deep communion and in that He ministers but not Him alone, the one He sits with ministers to Him in return as beautifully and naturally as breathing.
Time ceases to mean anything. Whether it flies by or slows downs till it stands still... we sit.
Friday, July 6, 2012
Thank You
Jan 10/12... journal entry.
Before I leave my desk and get into today... I wanted to thank You for last night. And thank You for the new nickname... I even anticipate what will come of that. And the pen...it's the kind of pen that you dip in ink... and fantastically when you touch the paper with it, color and many embellishments flow out of the simple script you put down. Not kidding. I want to reiterate what I prayed this morning... Jesus Abba Holy Spirit... I want to come to You first today... I want to love You... doing everything in the love I have for You... I want to grow into my name... help me learn to listen by asking questions and then looking and waiting for You. Help my eyes see what it is You are doing and may a thankfulness deeper than any ocean be my response.
Before I leave my desk and get into today... I wanted to thank You for last night. And thank You for the new nickname... I even anticipate what will come of that. And the pen...it's the kind of pen that you dip in ink... and fantastically when you touch the paper with it, color and many embellishments flow out of the simple script you put down. Not kidding. I want to reiterate what I prayed this morning... Jesus Abba Holy Spirit... I want to come to You first today... I want to love You... doing everything in the love I have for You... I want to grow into my name... help me learn to listen by asking questions and then looking and waiting for You. Help my eyes see what it is You are doing and may a thankfulness deeper than any ocean be my response.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
meeting at our table
Jan 9/12 journal entry...
It's still me Abba, Jesus. I just felt I needed a new page for some reason. I wanted to come again purposefully to You... we all sit down at the table and it is tonight a small enough table that we each sit on a side and yet if we were to lean on the table in conversation our fingers would easily touch. The room is dark except for the warm light that spills over the thick wooden table worn with deep marks and stains of a lifetime of use. It has the comfort of a kitchen here but I know instead it is our place of meeting... shelves of books line the walls floor to ceiling. This is a intimate feeling place... one of deep importance and 'specialness'. Curious though, it has almost a reverential air of Your Holiness yet not that halts conversation and heart sharing instead it has the opposite effect... I feel so wanted here, invited... important to You.
I lean forward as I begin.
I want what You offered. I glance over at my Jesus and I see Him put an elbow on the table and put his face in His hand as He is drawn into my conversation. I cannot help but reach over in ridiculous giddy love and touch His arm. A smile breaks on Abba's face... one of deep satisfaction and joy. Good.
I am trying to wake up and be with You more. I enjoyed trying new questions today. One thought kinda stays with me when I was running. At one point my legs felt very able to do their job but my lungs were telling me something quite the opposite. And I thought of us... that in learning something new perhaps the mechanics of trying, start to exist before the real connection, which makes it something done in freedom and with all that I am... complete faith, complete trust. I thought perhaps I had it backwards but maybe not eh?
Maybe not at all.
So I need to keep on practicing.
Yes.
Okay. I am now the one to put both elbows on the table and put my face in my hands. I may be sitting still but inside I am not lol. I look into Your faces and wait. Jesus moves His hand towards me silently asking to hold one of mine... I offer it quickly. No word is spoken but He just ever so gently rubs my hand as He holds it.
You are right to listen. Perhaps that should be your nickname this year... Our Listener. My smile beams out as I ponder this. You push a stack of papers across the table towards me. There is much to know. That need to written down and read... seen and heard. Suddenly there is a pen in my hand and my breath catches in awe and delight. I move the stack in front of me and place the pen atop it. Keep coming here and meeting with us as we teach you to hear and listen.
I almost erased that first part of 'coming here' because I figured it was limiting what You would do but instead it is You meeting something in me... to learn to step out in the unknown from somewhere very comfortable or maybe better put, a place to keep coming back to to keep me going back out? That reminds me of someone... Jesus. A soft chuckle shakes You as You once again pick up my hand. Hmmm that feels so nice.
It's still me Abba, Jesus. I just felt I needed a new page for some reason. I wanted to come again purposefully to You... we all sit down at the table and it is tonight a small enough table that we each sit on a side and yet if we were to lean on the table in conversation our fingers would easily touch. The room is dark except for the warm light that spills over the thick wooden table worn with deep marks and stains of a lifetime of use. It has the comfort of a kitchen here but I know instead it is our place of meeting... shelves of books line the walls floor to ceiling. This is a intimate feeling place... one of deep importance and 'specialness'. Curious though, it has almost a reverential air of Your Holiness yet not that halts conversation and heart sharing instead it has the opposite effect... I feel so wanted here, invited... important to You.
I lean forward as I begin.
I want what You offered. I glance over at my Jesus and I see Him put an elbow on the table and put his face in His hand as He is drawn into my conversation. I cannot help but reach over in ridiculous giddy love and touch His arm. A smile breaks on Abba's face... one of deep satisfaction and joy. Good.
I am trying to wake up and be with You more. I enjoyed trying new questions today. One thought kinda stays with me when I was running. At one point my legs felt very able to do their job but my lungs were telling me something quite the opposite. And I thought of us... that in learning something new perhaps the mechanics of trying, start to exist before the real connection, which makes it something done in freedom and with all that I am... complete faith, complete trust. I thought perhaps I had it backwards but maybe not eh?
Maybe not at all.
So I need to keep on practicing.
Yes.
Okay. I am now the one to put both elbows on the table and put my face in my hands. I may be sitting still but inside I am not lol. I look into Your faces and wait. Jesus moves His hand towards me silently asking to hold one of mine... I offer it quickly. No word is spoken but He just ever so gently rubs my hand as He holds it.
You are right to listen. Perhaps that should be your nickname this year... Our Listener. My smile beams out as I ponder this. You push a stack of papers across the table towards me. There is much to know. That need to written down and read... seen and heard. Suddenly there is a pen in my hand and my breath catches in awe and delight. I move the stack in front of me and place the pen atop it. Keep coming here and meeting with us as we teach you to hear and listen.
I almost erased that first part of 'coming here' because I figured it was limiting what You would do but instead it is You meeting something in me... to learn to step out in the unknown from somewhere very comfortable or maybe better put, a place to keep coming back to to keep me going back out? That reminds me of someone... Jesus. A soft chuckle shakes You as You once again pick up my hand. Hmmm that feels so nice.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Getting to know Abba Father
Journal entry, part two... Jan 6 /12
Sometimes it seems I cannot get enough of You or better put I don't know how to because I am still here rooted in all my normal responses. Tonight I wanted more of You and thought first I needed someone to share with forgetting it would be much better to just come back to You. Well let's start by adjusting that immediate response shall we?
Cool! I cannot quite help laughing over the memory of this afternoon ... I can't remember the last time I have laughed like that!
It's fun to connect like... I've been laughing too.
Hmmm. You pretty much blow my mind. We both lean back with a decidedly contented air about us. It's amazing that You take time for such trivial things considering how Holy Majestic and Huge You are.
Reveals something doesn't it.
Yes it does... and although it utterly confounds me it shows me Your heart.
Nice.
You know when I think of how many years it has been developing my relationship with You as Jesus I wonder a bit about timing now. I suppose getting to know You as Abba is short tracked quite a bit by the foundation already there. Hey that says something in itself! Hang on, I need to get this thought out first...It certainly doesn't dampen any excitement of building this relationship with You as Abba Father... in fact the opposite, it is heightened because I know how the other one has gone...
Sometimes it seems I cannot get enough of You or better put I don't know how to because I am still here rooted in all my normal responses. Tonight I wanted more of You and thought first I needed someone to share with forgetting it would be much better to just come back to You. Well let's start by adjusting that immediate response shall we?
Cool! I cannot quite help laughing over the memory of this afternoon ... I can't remember the last time I have laughed like that!
It's fun to connect like... I've been laughing too.
Hmmm. You pretty much blow my mind. We both lean back with a decidedly contented air about us. It's amazing that You take time for such trivial things considering how Holy Majestic and Huge You are.
Reveals something doesn't it.
Yes it does... and although it utterly confounds me it shows me Your heart.
Nice.
You know when I think of how many years it has been developing my relationship with You as Jesus I wonder a bit about timing now. I suppose getting to know You as Abba is short tracked quite a bit by the foundation already there. Hey that says something in itself! Hang on, I need to get this thought out first...It certainly doesn't dampen any excitement of building this relationship with You as Abba Father... in fact the opposite, it is heightened because I know how the other one has gone...
Meeting with Abba Father
Journal entry, Jan 6 /12... a most amazing meeting with the Father.
Hmmm... but you have come to the right place first.
Yes.
Well done. I feel my face attempt a small smile.
It's alright you know.
I do.
Come sit with Me. You release me with one arm, the other one guiding me back to my chair. You then sit me down and move Your chair right beside mine, pushing a steaming mug of sweetened coffee milk into my hands. I close my eyes for a moment trying to gather my wild thoughts and open them to Your eyes looking with such invitation into mine.
I want to hear You.... please? I want to change and grow up some more. I want to be washed anew in our relationship, our connection, I want to love You completely. I don't think I can without coming to KNOW You more and have You fill me up.
True dat.
HAHAHAHAHA who will ever believe You said that!!! Our laughter mixes together rich, deep and long at sharing this inside joke. Barely containing my laughter I try to get ahold of myself ... just a minute more. hahahaha.
Suddenly I feel Your hand take hold of my chin, gently turning my face to Yours ... Your eyes almost burn with intensity
I have heard you. The words resonate inside over and over as I grasp the immensity of what You have said.
I AM able and I will do as you ask. A sudden stab of fear flashes through me as I think about how easily I fail You.
But it is not what you do.
No it is who I am... who You will make me. The Game of Minutes... the word game suddenly seems despairingly hollow, this is no game. Moment to moment I choose You Abba, I choose You. And when I fall down I will return and choose You again.
I AM in you and I stake my claim, My seal is upon you. You belong to Me and My Kingdom. I cannot get past those words... you belong to Me... My mind replays them as my thoughts try to catch up... You sound like Jesus... You sound like a passionate and jealous God that wins my heart over and over with only a glance, let alone words filled with such determined passion dripping with love. Ahhh... your hearing is good right now. I realize my mouth hangs open and I close it with a smile... my hands are clutching onto Yours I do not want to let go.
Abba!
I run to our table and anxiously pulling out my chair. You very purposefully stand up and take those few steps to me, opening Your arms to invite me in. I move into them with a gratefulness that allows relief to melt all that weighs upon me. I don't really understand what I am feeling... Hmmm... but you have come to the right place first.
Yes.
Well done. I feel my face attempt a small smile.
It's alright you know.
I do.
Come sit with Me. You release me with one arm, the other one guiding me back to my chair. You then sit me down and move Your chair right beside mine, pushing a steaming mug of sweetened coffee milk into my hands. I close my eyes for a moment trying to gather my wild thoughts and open them to Your eyes looking with such invitation into mine.
I want to hear You.... please? I want to change and grow up some more. I want to be washed anew in our relationship, our connection, I want to love You completely. I don't think I can without coming to KNOW You more and have You fill me up.
True dat.
HAHAHAHAHA who will ever believe You said that!!! Our laughter mixes together rich, deep and long at sharing this inside joke. Barely containing my laughter I try to get ahold of myself ... just a minute more. hahahaha.
Suddenly I feel Your hand take hold of my chin, gently turning my face to Yours ... Your eyes almost burn with intensity
I have heard you. The words resonate inside over and over as I grasp the immensity of what You have said.
I AM able and I will do as you ask. A sudden stab of fear flashes through me as I think about how easily I fail You.
But it is not what you do.
No it is who I am... who You will make me. The Game of Minutes... the word game suddenly seems despairingly hollow, this is no game. Moment to moment I choose You Abba, I choose You. And when I fall down I will return and choose You again.
I AM in you and I stake my claim, My seal is upon you. You belong to Me and My Kingdom. I cannot get past those words... you belong to Me... My mind replays them as my thoughts try to catch up... You sound like Jesus... You sound like a passionate and jealous God that wins my heart over and over with only a glance, let alone words filled with such determined passion dripping with love. Ahhh... your hearing is good right now. I realize my mouth hangs open and I close it with a smile... my hands are clutching onto Yours I do not want to let go.
Monday, July 2, 2012
You go to crazy lengths to love us
Jan 4/12 Journal excerpt.
So Abba... may I fill up Your cup?
The steam wafts up comfortably in fleeting tendrils as I sit unable to wipe the smile from my face. I rest my face on my hand and look over at You. You are seriously cool, I laugh. In return, Your low laugh shakes Your shoulders and Your smile is almost as big as mine.
It took me just a little while to hear Your voice last night but when I did I was thrilled. This was the second time that You obviously spoke to someone before I had given any detail and gave them direction and thoughts to an answer for me.... which made it so You. It also seemed to give some creedence to my belief that we can come into a very deep relationship with You that mirrors, however in part, the relationship of You and Jesus. The "knowing" is definitely a fingerprint of Yours.
It is in these moments when I catch glimpses of just how far You go to love and connect with us (me) that I want to respond from all that is within me... thank You.
So Abba... may I fill up Your cup?
The steam wafts up comfortably in fleeting tendrils as I sit unable to wipe the smile from my face. I rest my face on my hand and look over at You. You are seriously cool, I laugh. In return, Your low laugh shakes Your shoulders and Your smile is almost as big as mine.
It took me just a little while to hear Your voice last night but when I did I was thrilled. This was the second time that You obviously spoke to someone before I had given any detail and gave them direction and thoughts to an answer for me.... which made it so You. It also seemed to give some creedence to my belief that we can come into a very deep relationship with You that mirrors, however in part, the relationship of You and Jesus. The "knowing" is definitely a fingerprint of Yours.
It is in these moments when I catch glimpses of just how far You go to love and connect with us (me) that I want to respond from all that is within me... thank You.
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