Meeting with Abba Father

Journal entry, Jan 6 /12... a most amazing meeting with the Father.

Abba!

   I run to our table and anxiously pulling out my chair. You very purposefully stand up and take those few steps to me, opening Your arms to invite me in. I move into them with a gratefulness that allows relief to melt all that weighs upon me. I don't really understand what I am feeling...
Hmmm... but you have come to the right place first. 
Yes.
Well done. I feel my face attempt a small smile.
It's alright you know. 
I do.
Come sit with Me. You release me with one arm, the other one guiding me back to my chair. You then sit me down and move Your chair right beside mine, pushing a steaming mug of sweetened coffee milk into my hands. I close my eyes for a moment trying to gather my wild thoughts and open them to Your eyes looking with such invitation into mine. 
I want to hear You.... please? I want to change and grow up some more. I want to be washed anew in our relationship, our connection, I want to love You completely. I don't think I can without coming to KNOW You more and have You fill me up.
True dat. 
HAHAHAHAHA who will ever believe You said that!!! Our laughter mixes together rich, deep and long at sharing this inside joke. Barely containing my laughter I try to get ahold of myself ... just a minute more. hahahaha. 
Suddenly I feel Your hand take hold of my chin, gently turning my face to Yours ... Your eyes almost burn with intensity
 I have heard you. The words resonate inside over and over as I grasp the immensity of what You have said.
I AM able and I will do as you ask. A sudden stab of fear flashes through me as I think about how easily I fail You.
But it is not what you do. 
No it is who I am... who You will make me. The Game of Minutes... the word game suddenly seems despairingly hollow, this is no game. Moment to moment I choose You Abba, I choose You. And when I fall down I will return and choose You again.
I AM in you and I stake my claim, My seal is upon you. You belong to Me and My Kingdom. I cannot get past those words... you belong to Me... My mind replays them as my thoughts try to catch up... You sound like Jesus... You sound like a passionate and jealous God that wins my heart over and over with only a glance, let alone words filled with such determined passion dripping with love. Ahhh... your hearing is good right now. I realize my mouth hangs open and I close it with a smile... my hands are clutching onto Yours I do not want to let go.

You go to crazy lengths to love us

Jan 4/12 Journal excerpt.

    So Abba... may I fill up Your cup? 
The steam wafts up comfortably in fleeting tendrils as I sit unable to wipe the smile from my face. I rest my face on my hand and look over at You. You are seriously cool, I laugh.  In return, Your low laugh shakes Your shoulders and Your smile is almost as big as mine. 
    It took me just a little while to hear Your voice last night but when I did I was thrilled. This was the second time that You obviously spoke to someone before I had given any detail and gave them direction and thoughts to an answer for me.... which made it so You. It also seemed to give some creedence to my belief that we can come into a very deep relationship with You that mirrors, however in part, the relationship of You and Jesus. The "knowing" is definitely a fingerprint of Yours. 
    It is in these moments when I catch glimpses of just how far You go to love and connect with us (me) that I want to respond from all that is within me... thank You.

Returning to the table, sitting with Abba Father

... journal excerpt... Dec 30/11

   I want to experiment today again to strive to do nothing except for You and in love to You. To have You as my only motive. The other thing that Frank has got me wondering about is the minute game. Please teach me how I can continually return my thoughts to You. It kinda got me wondering about Leviticus and the 'down to the last detail' instructions You gave for the tabernacle construction and then carrying out of sacrifices and offerings of the role of the priests etc. Was this You playing the minute game with us before we had the Holy Spirit residing within us all? I think of how in Acts You made it clear to Peter that all things were clean or how You explained that it wasn't what we ate that made us unclean but what came out of the heart that made us unclean. You taught that before the Holy Spirit came... but hang on...You were in that role even though You were in human form just then weren't You... it was all over Your teachings and maybe that was part of the reason You also only spoke what You heard from the Father (like the Holy Spirit does now). Interesting.

I enjoy You Jesus... shall we go to work? Your call... :)

Had a brilliant time in my shop but a quick stop when my insert got split in two by the router bit ... perhaps we did enough work for one day? hahaha

   ...Again just a real good day. I know I haven't done overly well at the game of minutes but I will press on to increase it until I hope it becomes a way of being. I thought of You Father, at the table You showed me the other night. Days like today make me yearn to sit down with You and talk and talk. I spill out what I think I am picking up from You, sharing it with others but then wait with only moderate patience to hear back ... to get a conversation going. I would not have to wait at Your table. Perhaps I need to learn to come to You first again.
Can we sit together now?
A quiet chuckle shakes You as You motion with Your hand for me to come and sit. Your eyes are so bright and engaging. They draw me in immediately and make me wonder what You are thinking but not with anxiousness but with anticipation. Without conscious thought we sit leaning towards one another expectant but comfortable as we take one another in. After only a few moments however I reach out with my hand longing to touch Your face. Your face lights up even more with my touch and we both share some very freeing laughter. You are so captivating.
A good thing I'd say since it is you that I want. 
Hmmm. I know what he (Frank Lambach) was talking about in those letters ... that discontent, no, a disgust really with the ever consuming spiral of self. I really need to learn to see don't I.
Your wasteland was different this time wasn't it. 
Yes. I wasn't completely ruled by self like my abrupt lent lesson, thus I wasn't drawn in to a cycle of guilt. Yet I wasn't actively seeking You like I should have been. So I found that I was kind of dead inside. Lost. Yet I don't regret going through that because You have touched it with redemption... I have learned another realization. 
   My identity doesn't depend on what I do it is who I am in You. 
Two things come to mind, first Brad's comment on asking You to help him be his true self and he was most himself when loving others. The second was the absolute and total contrast of being my true self and the lifeless me in the wasteland. And the fact that it happened in the simple act of offering to put on the coffee lids for that lady in the motel. I offered because I wanted to love her ... simply. All this isn't a new lesson and yet it is because at a new layer it means deeper things. 
Thanks Abba Father.
Hmmm... I love you little One. 
Haha You must, there is no other explanation. I'm 41 and there is just so much I am only getting now... it's crazy. Would You help me finish well?
I would be delighted to.

let me love You

...journal entry continued...    


It's still me ... lol... this day is taking many a turn and I have to say it is a good day. For You are here. I just want to do something for You Jesus. Love You in a way You created me to. We are on our couch and the couch is in the river but not to far out lol. You are laying with Your head in my lap and it is me that is stroking Your hair now. Your one leg hangs over the end of the couch and the other is right in the water. Your eyes are closed but I know You are just so aware of everything... and don't think I missed that smile that just flashed across Your face. I rest one hand on Your chest another on Your head and for a moment lean my head back against the couch and close my eyes to soak up the deep heat of the sun. The babbling water reminds me of just how good and sweet it's feel is. 
You know how crazy I am about You right?
Umhmm
...and then I feel Your hand upon mine. I open my eyes and look at You again. I start stroking Your hair again and then trace with my finger along Your forehead, temple and Your cheek. You open Your eyes then and we look at one another. It is absolutely a miracle just how much can be said with only a look.

   The gift of presence. That has got to be one of Your strongest traits Jesus. While I ache for it I also desparately want to be just like You in this. I want to give this to everyone around me as naturally as breathing. I would love to be just like You. My smile is wistful is longing but as my eyes return to Yours Your smile dazzles me and we end up laughing together. You are just so sweet... Jesus.

my undefined calling

journal entry... Dec. 6/11

   So Jesus I don't know where to begin actually. I feel very full. An echo of yesterday but more defined somehow... It's like catching a thought that fills me with such an abundance of hope, excitement and delight. That there is a defined purpose in the bigger picture ... for me.  Yet are there words for it?
 
   What if I actually learn to be so filled with You that I love like You. What if that is all I do? There would really be no tangible things of note or accomplishments to point at or even words to define me. Because in so many ways Your love is beyond definition... and I really think that it isn't what we do that is important but how we do it (which in essense is - who we are). 

    If my life is defined by the undefinable even that itself becomes a hope to those of us who don't get that very clear call from God. We all know that fire and passion that comes from the one called and pursuing what they what feel and hear and know. What delight in being near someone like that ... inspiring indeed. But if you are like me and the call isn't in words take heart there is just so much more to Abba Father, Jesus, and the sweet Holy Spirit.

    The questions I ask are going to be different or take a different slant now. For what You are leading me into is literally a moment to moment thing. That doesn't exist outside of You. How's that for a sweet catch? A Holy twist? Most appropriate I say. For what leading of His would exclude His very presence to carry it out... it is only us who forget this and at times try to run and manage it with our own heart and effort and to our own logic.

    You know what I'd think is funny (interesting)... Jesus, if You asked me to write all these years that I have been, only to make one statement that, ultimately, was to love just one person... I think that'd be a really beautiful picture of You. There is no seeming end to which You will go to love Your beloved... including talking for years and years so just at that right moment the heart of Your beloved would be opened up and they'd meet You.  They would experience the love that has gone through hell and highwater to reach them. You are the ultimate romancer... Your Words, only truth and dripping with love. Yet somehow Your essence of Holiness and justice, mercy and righteousness are woven in and it covers us with a blanket of security and assurance that You are I AM.  And is it not ironic that it is often not as clearly defined in the smaller picture but absolutely breathtaking when our eyes are opened to it in the (much) bigger picture.
 
   My chest aches with You. For You.  Please help me and draw near.  

Back on the cliff

Dec 5/11,  Journal Entry.....    

Again You draw me into You. 

   Your love comes from an infinitely deep well I think. That was a real hard time yesterday... but it ended well. And at the end of the day I almost wondered where the tears came from. Almost. We never finished our time together the other day but I thought about it a few times wondering if I could finish it without my fingers. My concentration is just not that good yet. 

   Jesus... I miss You. But what we have is still so sweet I would not wish to not have that either because I am learning to be who I really am.

   Sometimes I am left reeling at the pain of another... I said a statement to You this morning that things just seemed too good and it brought the sting of tears. How come I am allowed this experience of peace and delight, really. Especially while here.

   Another thought is just how freeing it is and an honor to just love another to love another. In other words with no other motive than to just love.  I guess it would be loving them just because I love You and in that case, that smacks of You completely. Nice ... now I am wondering how many people I can do that with at once until it becomes just how I am. Or, perhaps, finally becoming who You intended me to be all along. I was always drawn, even real young, to love those no one else seemed to see or want around. Sadly I wasn't strong enough to do that well at all and that made my attempts sad at best and although I hate to think about it... perhaps I did more damage than not trying at all. Will never know that however and I won't carry that ... it's Yours, sorry about that.

                  Jesus any chance we could meet on the cliff side?

   I hear Your laughter beside me and feel Your arm pull me closer till I am right alongside You. You are just so at ease that I cannot help but feel that for myself. There is a slight breeze that brings the scent of many things. The smell of heat radiating off the rocks... the smell of the woods and their whisperings. 

   The tops of the trees we look down on are close enough that I cannot help but marvel at them from this perspective. We can also see our river snaking along the valley and the odd time I think I can almost hear it's laughter. Off to the left I can see our couch sitting curiously alongside the river and I see that our rock and paint message is a complete reflection of light. The wood and rock sun flips from the painted light of yellows and blues. 

   Behind the couch leading off the shore is the trail that goes into the wood, the wood that the river hides behind. It's pretty cool to see something I experienced with You from this distance. It's makes me think about just how little we see when we are in the midst of situation. Not capable of entertaining the thought of how a moment can play into a much bigger plan or picture. Like my tears yesterday I was humbled and very much disciplined for my handling of a conversation. Left with frustration and .... but You gave me tools. You gave me perspective with words between us from my own journals. Does it really matter if no one understands you... and the challenge of motives or the reason behind the frustration. So I took that, complete with the reality of my emotion, into a second chance... the meeting last night. There is an accompanying relief in it all, a certainty of Your presence, in that I am learning, or trying to, as I bumble along.   

A new view

Dec 3/11... journal entry

   Okay my coffee was hot 15 minutes ago when I first sat down lol... should have hid in my room longer this morning!
   I'm back... gotta love microwaves!

Jesus I love You. Thought I better put that out there right away. I love how every time I take a bit of time to myself... I am drawn very quickly to You instead. Our meetings in these last days have been staying with me ... calling me back. This is all the more sweeter in the fact that in the exact same situation before last lent I felt the extent of my selfishness and moaned over it yet couldn't break free at all. Therefore I know by experience that where I am today is due to Your mercy and presence in me. I revel in that... like the sip of a long awaited drink that not only exceeds your anticipation but awakens all your senses in delight.... and time slows down. 
So I will be walking into one of my most dreaded scenarios today ... shopping and spending money yikes. I dread it every time. So my Jesus please fill me ridiculously full and give me a way to engage and be very present for my kids and be able to creatively look at and handle all that comes my way.

You are so sweet.

I want one day to be able to express what has been waiting for so long to be unleashed within... big creativity. Abstract combined with objects in light.

   We are south of the river today and we are climbing. Up and up we go on earth padded heavily with moss, it is just a game trail we follow.  This place makes me feel alive. Trees and the woods in general are just so full of possibilities and emotion. Secrets and the rarely seen that even when glimpsed changes so easily in different lights. I walk drinking in all I can. 
   Eventually I see more light filtering in up ahead and know we are almost out of the heavy wood. It is almost a shock to the senses to have the landscape change so dramatically, so immediately. We are now at the bottom of a rock slide area that is filled with shale and in contrast massive boulders of rock that leave the imagination reeling on what sound they would have made coming down. We climb just as ways more and there is a ledge that invites us to stay and look. You sit first and immediately draw up Your knees and lean back against the cliff face behind us. You don't look at me and that makes me quickly want to settle to take in what You are seeing. As soon as I settle down crossing my legs in anticipation of being here a while I am caught by what meets my eyes. 
   We are just high enough to see a wild and panoramic view of where we have been the last few days. Hmmm.