Sept 6/11, part two
It really is time for me to be in bed Father but I just have to come and say goodnight. I can't remember having such an amazing God day as I had today. Everywhere I went I literally felt like I wanted to reach out and love everyone and connect. I was so excited about meeting with You this morning it was just so so good. Thanks over and over again. So I got to tell Ray about our meeting and it just fired it all up again ... I am excited about learning who You are, about how You feel and what You say and do. I already noticed just a couple of things. Even though Your hugs I recognize as a very Jesus move You, however, hug differently. The strength and security I feel in Your arms is so real and the feel of Jesus' hugs are just as intense but meeting a different need? Oh yah and I also wondered about how we talk and what we will talk about... in that there will be differences too... I am so excited to discover You! Anyways I'd better get to bed, help this road trip go well and beyond expectations I pray. I love You, Father....Your Little One.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Meeting the Father
Jesus, there is really nothing more important to me today than You. I have a list of things to do before I leave but being with You trumps it all. So the idea was suggested and has been kicking around of moving ahead intentionally engaging You as Father. I don't know how that will translate into my time with You and in prayer but I can imagine it will be more than good.
So I have some questions for You Jesus, Father. Why do I get that intimate relationship with You Jesus but feel so completely distant and unconnected to You Father; to the point that You scare me? Jesus is what you have always wanted... dreamed of and desired. You connected with Him, drawn in by His absolute and unwavering love for you. It hasn't all been instant but a building up of relationship. First believing that He would faithfully show up... that He was real and you could let go of more and more control and still know when it was really Him. Your trust grew. He spoke to your deepest issues... unworthiness, acceptance, and who you really are. This led you to trust Him to the point where you will go with Him where you are afraid to go. He holds you when you hurt really bad. Not always talking with words but sometimes just in the action... and even in this you are gradually learning to hear Him in the midst of it. On occasion obeying Him to the point of letting Him handle it instead of you battling it out inside for an extended time. And that my Little One is a really huge step, I felt very proud of you. His actions baffle you yet you have come to recognize his mannerisms and look and you, yes you ,know His heart ... the heart that aches to love connect and heal His Beloved. And there is the power of your prayers, your calls, your acts of love (Our love in You spilling out).
And now you want to get to know Me. Yes.
You don't know where to start because you don't know what to think or where to begin to start thinking. So how about I propose an idea. How about we start meeting?
That sounds really, really good. I want to say this in the most humble and reverential way possible but You really aren't scary are You. Your laughter booms out loud and free and it makes me do two things. Join You and cry. Which is not an easy combination lol. You sweep me into a huge embrace... one of strength and security. I recognize it from the hug under the water where it turned out to be You holding me... all that light, and it was with an almost defiant (to all else that exists) protectiveness. Thanks for that Father. Thanks for the way You told me it was You.
Interesting I noticed while You were talking to me, that we were on a bench. And the bench was in front of our little church. You know... I have noticed that when I've met with Jesus a few times on this bench that the church was in the background behind us but I kind of dismissed it because I knew what was in front of the bench too... which made it in our city. So my question now becomes is our church in this city? Well I suppose it is... you say this again with a wonderful rich and big laugh. Then You turn to look directly in my eyes and ask... so what questions does that make you want to ask?
Alot really. So Brad had suggested that this city is my heart. It took me by surprise when he said it but it got some wheels turning... two things come to mind quickly and that is... my church has become part of me, family, my heart, my body. The second thought is a wonder really. Is their backup, their prayers part of a reason I am even here?
I love your thinking Little One.
This makes the biggest of smiles cross my face and light up my eyes. Your exciting Father.
journal entry... Sept 6/11
So I have some questions for You Jesus, Father. Why do I get that intimate relationship with You Jesus but feel so completely distant and unconnected to You Father; to the point that You scare me? Jesus is what you have always wanted... dreamed of and desired. You connected with Him, drawn in by His absolute and unwavering love for you. It hasn't all been instant but a building up of relationship. First believing that He would faithfully show up... that He was real and you could let go of more and more control and still know when it was really Him. Your trust grew. He spoke to your deepest issues... unworthiness, acceptance, and who you really are. This led you to trust Him to the point where you will go with Him where you are afraid to go. He holds you when you hurt really bad. Not always talking with words but sometimes just in the action... and even in this you are gradually learning to hear Him in the midst of it. On occasion obeying Him to the point of letting Him handle it instead of you battling it out inside for an extended time. And that my Little One is a really huge step, I felt very proud of you. His actions baffle you yet you have come to recognize his mannerisms and look and you, yes you ,know His heart ... the heart that aches to love connect and heal His Beloved. And there is the power of your prayers, your calls, your acts of love (Our love in You spilling out).
And now you want to get to know Me. Yes.
You don't know where to start because you don't know what to think or where to begin to start thinking. So how about I propose an idea. How about we start meeting?
That sounds really, really good. I want to say this in the most humble and reverential way possible but You really aren't scary are You. Your laughter booms out loud and free and it makes me do two things. Join You and cry. Which is not an easy combination lol. You sweep me into a huge embrace... one of strength and security. I recognize it from the hug under the water where it turned out to be You holding me... all that light, and it was with an almost defiant (to all else that exists) protectiveness. Thanks for that Father. Thanks for the way You told me it was You.
Interesting I noticed while You were talking to me, that we were on a bench. And the bench was in front of our little church. You know... I have noticed that when I've met with Jesus a few times on this bench that the church was in the background behind us but I kind of dismissed it because I knew what was in front of the bench too... which made it in our city. So my question now becomes is our church in this city? Well I suppose it is... you say this again with a wonderful rich and big laugh. Then You turn to look directly in my eyes and ask... so what questions does that make you want to ask?
Alot really. So Brad had suggested that this city is my heart. It took me by surprise when he said it but it got some wheels turning... two things come to mind quickly and that is... my church has become part of me, family, my heart, my body. The second thought is a wonder really. Is their backup, their prayers part of a reason I am even here?
I love your thinking Little One.
This makes the biggest of smiles cross my face and light up my eyes. Your exciting Father.
journal entry... Sept 6/11
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Hitting a wall... fearing the Father
Dearest Reader... have you ever come upon a realization of where you are and been completely shocked by it or that you were there unaware? A combination of two conversations led me into a realization that I was hanging onto a fear of God as Father and I was struggling with knowing how to pray ... at all. Now I don't know if that was always there (I kind of doubt it) but it definitely there now. What I knew intellectually and in theology wasn't matching up with what I was living and when I realized this is was overwhelming. In fact so much so that not dealing with it seemed pretty attractive at that point. However here I am facing the twist of feeling great intimacy with Jesus and at the same time fearing God as Father. I am going to piece together my rambling journal of this thought journey because of where it has now taken me.
Sept 5th... journal pieces...
My dearest Jesus... I never quite know how to start. I wonder if that is because we are quite often in the middle of a conversation... a thought partially formed. A prayer lingering... a heart stirred, noted and a going on. My actions often seem quite a mystery to myself lol... and I know You work despite them or with them. You are revealing Your presence to me. Thank You for that. How are You tonight Jesus? We talked about You this morning and some of it kinda irked me but because of the prelude to this conversation almost 2 years ago I was angry at all and could listen without instantly defending my position. Which turned out to be really important because there is something really important that I realized because of it.
....I need to take an aside right now. Jesus I feel overwhelmed right now. I am almost afraid to think and from the past experience I want to refuse that. I know I want to be under the water with You. Not just in it, with it lapping at my feet. Not far enough in that I need to be on my tip toes to stay above but in complete submission to relax and trust in Your being. To sink beneath the relentless strength of the waves and into You. Jesus it feels like a long time since we have spent some intimate time together... sharing, listening, being.
We hold one another with a touch that is so soft and gentle that it is like we are fragile. It is You that moves us through the water and I hang on... completely taken with You unable to look around and engage with anything but You. This makes a smile play on Your lips as Your eyes lock into my gaze. But You look where we are going and it makes me look in the direction we are heading and I am drawn in by the light playing in the water. For the briefest of moments I panic and wonder where are You taking me? Where are we going? And even as my chest tightens I know that wherever You take me is where I want to be.
Reader, I feel I need to let you in a little deeper there... when I was feeling that stab of fear I was afraid Jesus was taking me to see the Father. I know you are probably thinking what? Why? My head even reasons that I know I have been told, taught and even believe that they are one in the same BUT.
... Father I guess my image of You is needing some healing. I cannot think of why that is. I don't believe any traumatic moments have caused me to erect false images. Perhaps just teaching or beliefs I grew up with? Like the day I met You Jesus, I realized the night before that some serious error in my thinking had occurred. I hadn't realized it, before then, that I actually didn't believe or couldn't comprehend that You would actually want to talk to me... like right to me. Somewhere I didn't think I was even allowed to think that. And then I met You in the midst of listening prayer and my life shifted forever. You gradually became more and more of my safe place. I slowly let go of location, letting go of the need to control at least the comfort and safety of where we met. You were faithful and have been more loving than I could ever have conceived of. Well today was like that and it made me wonder if there isn't another really important shift I haven't made yet. I never finished talking with You about the division I had made with Jesus and Him as God. Is this connected to me struggling with You revealing more of Himself, which is cool, yet in that process I felt further from You (emotionally) than I had for years, NOT cool. You felt so far away, even though it was undeniable that You were right there?
I am scared of the Father. Yet Jesus has become my safe place. It makes no sense in my head because I know that Jesus is the perfect and complete representation of the Father, to know Jesus is to know the Father. Argh. So what is left there that scares me? What don't I see? What do I not understand, accept, believe? Okay I need to give my brain and emotions a moment to catch up...
Before I went to bed that night I felt I needed to revisit where I left off in my meeting with Jesus. Here's how it went.
...." For the briefest of moments I panic and wonder where are You taking me? Where are we going? And even as my chest tightens I know that wherever You take me is where I want to be." Pretty soon we are enveloped by the light that becomes so bright I squeeze my eyes closed. I feel You draw me into Your chest wrapping Your arms around me like a shield, a protection. But when I finally open my eyes I realize something... it is You, Father! The light is You, coming from You. So when I wrap my mind around that I realize that You have wrapped me up protectively with what I feared.
Dearest Reader, there's more... :)
Sept 5th... journal pieces...
My dearest Jesus... I never quite know how to start. I wonder if that is because we are quite often in the middle of a conversation... a thought partially formed. A prayer lingering... a heart stirred, noted and a going on. My actions often seem quite a mystery to myself lol... and I know You work despite them or with them. You are revealing Your presence to me. Thank You for that. How are You tonight Jesus? We talked about You this morning and some of it kinda irked me but because of the prelude to this conversation almost 2 years ago I was angry at all and could listen without instantly defending my position. Which turned out to be really important because there is something really important that I realized because of it.
....I need to take an aside right now. Jesus I feel overwhelmed right now. I am almost afraid to think and from the past experience I want to refuse that. I know I want to be under the water with You. Not just in it, with it lapping at my feet. Not far enough in that I need to be on my tip toes to stay above but in complete submission to relax and trust in Your being. To sink beneath the relentless strength of the waves and into You. Jesus it feels like a long time since we have spent some intimate time together... sharing, listening, being.
We hold one another with a touch that is so soft and gentle that it is like we are fragile. It is You that moves us through the water and I hang on... completely taken with You unable to look around and engage with anything but You. This makes a smile play on Your lips as Your eyes lock into my gaze. But You look where we are going and it makes me look in the direction we are heading and I am drawn in by the light playing in the water. For the briefest of moments I panic and wonder where are You taking me? Where are we going? And even as my chest tightens I know that wherever You take me is where I want to be.
Reader, I feel I need to let you in a little deeper there... when I was feeling that stab of fear I was afraid Jesus was taking me to see the Father. I know you are probably thinking what? Why? My head even reasons that I know I have been told, taught and even believe that they are one in the same BUT.
... Father I guess my image of You is needing some healing. I cannot think of why that is. I don't believe any traumatic moments have caused me to erect false images. Perhaps just teaching or beliefs I grew up with? Like the day I met You Jesus, I realized the night before that some serious error in my thinking had occurred. I hadn't realized it, before then, that I actually didn't believe or couldn't comprehend that You would actually want to talk to me... like right to me. Somewhere I didn't think I was even allowed to think that. And then I met You in the midst of listening prayer and my life shifted forever. You gradually became more and more of my safe place. I slowly let go of location, letting go of the need to control at least the comfort and safety of where we met. You were faithful and have been more loving than I could ever have conceived of. Well today was like that and it made me wonder if there isn't another really important shift I haven't made yet. I never finished talking with You about the division I had made with Jesus and Him as God. Is this connected to me struggling with You revealing more of Himself, which is cool, yet in that process I felt further from You (emotionally) than I had for years, NOT cool. You felt so far away, even though it was undeniable that You were right there?
I am scared of the Father. Yet Jesus has become my safe place. It makes no sense in my head because I know that Jesus is the perfect and complete representation of the Father, to know Jesus is to know the Father. Argh. So what is left there that scares me? What don't I see? What do I not understand, accept, believe? Okay I need to give my brain and emotions a moment to catch up...
Before I went to bed that night I felt I needed to revisit where I left off in my meeting with Jesus. Here's how it went.
...." For the briefest of moments I panic and wonder where are You taking me? Where are we going? And even as my chest tightens I know that wherever You take me is where I want to be." Pretty soon we are enveloped by the light that becomes so bright I squeeze my eyes closed. I feel You draw me into Your chest wrapping Your arms around me like a shield, a protection. But when I finally open my eyes I realize something... it is You, Father! The light is You, coming from You. So when I wrap my mind around that I realize that You have wrapped me up protectively with what I feared.
Dearest Reader, there's more... :)
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Meeting You in others
Journal wonderings... Aug 18/11
What do You want to talk about Jesus? I have to say... I am enjoying You popping into my thoughts alot lately. love You...
... if You, Jesus, are in everyone and when I reach out to love another I find You there I am actually ministering to You... when You are weak, hungry, thirsty, lonely and in prison... I am not only free from fear (cause it is You I am seeing and not the possibility of rejection) I also am experiencing You being about me. hahaha.
When we become concerned with being loved, liked and accepted we tend to surround ourselves with friends, close friends. But let us challenge that...here's a chance to taste of that mystery we experience when we meet a stranger, yet bond with them almost instantly when we recognize Christ in them. Knowing without words they are family in Christ (or simply one so loved by Him).
So if I am reaching out to whoever You send to me or my path crosses I find myself very often in the company of a friend... some deeper than others, some for a brief time perhaps even that one meeting, while others for an ongoing relationship. But the gist of what I am saying is, I am never lacking because You (the absolute closest friend and love of my life) keep showing up, I don't have to surround myself with only a few, keeping the unknown others at arms distance, because if I am meeting You in that random stranger I am meeting my soul friend, Saviour and King.
Huh.
What do You want to talk about Jesus? I have to say... I am enjoying You popping into my thoughts alot lately. love You...
... if You, Jesus, are in everyone and when I reach out to love another I find You there I am actually ministering to You... when You are weak, hungry, thirsty, lonely and in prison... I am not only free from fear (cause it is You I am seeing and not the possibility of rejection) I also am experiencing You being about me. hahaha.
When we become concerned with being loved, liked and accepted we tend to surround ourselves with friends, close friends. But let us challenge that...here's a chance to taste of that mystery we experience when we meet a stranger, yet bond with them almost instantly when we recognize Christ in them. Knowing without words they are family in Christ (or simply one so loved by Him).
So if I am reaching out to whoever You send to me or my path crosses I find myself very often in the company of a friend... some deeper than others, some for a brief time perhaps even that one meeting, while others for an ongoing relationship. But the gist of what I am saying is, I am never lacking because You (the absolute closest friend and love of my life) keep showing up, I don't have to surround myself with only a few, keeping the unknown others at arms distance, because if I am meeting You in that random stranger I am meeting my soul friend, Saviour and King.
Huh.
Friday, February 3, 2012
Still on the white sand
Aug 14/11 Journal.
Morning Jesus I ran out of time last night but am surprisingly not sure about what You want from me today. I really thought something was to come of all that thinking and watching but perhaps not. I want to completely give myself to You. To ask You to fill me up with Yourself and help me let go completely of self and selfish ways. I want to be like You to those I get the honor of being around. Jesus I want You to be felt, touched, encountered by all who gather this morning. Continue to build us up as Your body as Your family... a totally inclusive family. Change and stir our hearts I pray.
So You reach over and pick up my hands and hold them in Yours. Your eyes hold mine as well. I want to love You, Jesus, like the one who is completely broken on the wheels of living. Knowing I have nothing to give but my heart, my own self. I want to take that risk. And is there any risk in it at all?
No. I laugh at the absurdity of it... knowing full well that my old self is so completely sure that it is soaked in risk, in danger, fraught with peril, hurt and damage. But the part of myself given to You is really the only part of me that is safe.
Morning Jesus I ran out of time last night but am surprisingly not sure about what You want from me today. I really thought something was to come of all that thinking and watching but perhaps not. I want to completely give myself to You. To ask You to fill me up with Yourself and help me let go completely of self and selfish ways. I want to be like You to those I get the honor of being around. Jesus I want You to be felt, touched, encountered by all who gather this morning. Continue to build us up as Your body as Your family... a totally inclusive family. Change and stir our hearts I pray.
So You reach over and pick up my hands and hold them in Yours. Your eyes hold mine as well. I want to love You, Jesus, like the one who is completely broken on the wheels of living. Knowing I have nothing to give but my heart, my own self. I want to take that risk. And is there any risk in it at all?
No. I laugh at the absurdity of it... knowing full well that my old self is so completely sure that it is soaked in risk, in danger, fraught with peril, hurt and damage. But the part of myself given to You is really the only part of me that is safe.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Meeting on the white sand
Aug 13/11 journal excerpts...
Hey Jesus it may have taken me a long time to get here this week but I am here. Really here. There have been a lot of messages this week. Love. How we love. The differences in love. Being vulnerable. The risk of being misunderstood and does it really matter? The difference between hanging hell over someone as compared to being motivated completely out of love. And You. Wanting to walk in a room and be like You... connecting and loving as many as I am able. Not caring about what is coming my way but instead how much love I can give away.
...
I wanted to watch this movie one more time and meet you in it's message but I am too distracted to watch because I need You first.
I can type a brave journal and declare all I ever want and need is You, even if it means I never taste the comforts I want or the love I desire from those who drift in and out of my life. That if, everything was taken away from me... that I will stand in the midst of trial willing to go through whatever You allow as long as You are right next to me but I know I am much weaker than my heart now wants to declare me to be. I know how, when the heartbreaking happens, I whisper my despair under my breath to You... wanting to not be here anymore ... how my life is more hated than loved. I am weak. So I wonder as I sit here in the dark, what of that.
I want to see You Jesus...
We sit across from each other on white sand. As far as the eye can see there is nothing but the ever reaching white with no breaks in shape or color ... even the horizon melds into the sky. Our surroundings, however, don't hold my attention long instead my eyes return to Your face searching and wondering what You want to say to me. Aching to hear. What is the relationship between brokenness and love? Can we love without brokenness? How can we receive without first giving up? How can we give up without seeing? How can we see without cause to look? Two ways come that cause us to see... our own mistakes and failures force us to see... and seeing You for who You are - Your light, Your love causes us to fall on our faces humbled. So Your love breaks us and Your truth breaks us.
Jesus help me be still and hear.
Hey Jesus it may have taken me a long time to get here this week but I am here. Really here. There have been a lot of messages this week. Love. How we love. The differences in love. Being vulnerable. The risk of being misunderstood and does it really matter? The difference between hanging hell over someone as compared to being motivated completely out of love. And You. Wanting to walk in a room and be like You... connecting and loving as many as I am able. Not caring about what is coming my way but instead how much love I can give away.
...
I wanted to watch this movie one more time and meet you in it's message but I am too distracted to watch because I need You first.
I can type a brave journal and declare all I ever want and need is You, even if it means I never taste the comforts I want or the love I desire from those who drift in and out of my life. That if, everything was taken away from me... that I will stand in the midst of trial willing to go through whatever You allow as long as You are right next to me but I know I am much weaker than my heart now wants to declare me to be. I know how, when the heartbreaking happens, I whisper my despair under my breath to You... wanting to not be here anymore ... how my life is more hated than loved. I am weak. So I wonder as I sit here in the dark, what of that.
I want to see You Jesus...
We sit across from each other on white sand. As far as the eye can see there is nothing but the ever reaching white with no breaks in shape or color ... even the horizon melds into the sky. Our surroundings, however, don't hold my attention long instead my eyes return to Your face searching and wondering what You want to say to me. Aching to hear. What is the relationship between brokenness and love? Can we love without brokenness? How can we receive without first giving up? How can we give up without seeing? How can we see without cause to look? Two ways come that cause us to see... our own mistakes and failures force us to see... and seeing You for who You are - Your light, Your love causes us to fall on our faces humbled. So Your love breaks us and Your truth breaks us.
Jesus help me be still and hear.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Letting You be God
Journal excerpts from Aug 4/11...
Jesus a lot of things feel crazy right now and yet I do feel planted in You... even though I can feel my footing being eroded as I am close to wanting to 'fix' things. So I need to hear from You obviously.
What do I need to hear right now?
What if it isn't about you? What would be your role then?
Well to love.... to be who You ask me to be...
Even if you not only don't get anything back? Or get even less?
Sure cause it is not... about me being supported or even liked... But I am responsible to be consistent... despite the fall out cause that would be close to being like You. Hurt or wounding comes out of making it about me and my feelings and wants... then comes the reaction out of feelings or guilt or people pleasing. That doesn't work at all. So what if it is about me even a little lol.
You don't have to worry then do you? Because who is about you? and I mean all about you to the very last detail?
You.
I AM the only One who can do that job the right way the best way the most loving way ... trust Me.
I do. Can I hold onto You for a while?
You smile as You pull me in, You doing more of the holding than me... I don't want my sadness to build up Jesus. I don't want my regret or failure to make footholds. I can see that I need to be in Your arms alot to really learn and apply this lesson. My chest aches when things are off relationally... it always has. and it makes me angry inside and it comes out on my family. Angry cause it's not fair. Wow, that sounds familiar. But I don't have to hold that anger cause that's Your job to handle all that... I gave up my rights and myself to You, for You to be about me... not me. So I will give You all my tears too. Could You please keep holding me tonight otherwise I will be so useless. Hey Holy Spirit... I need You to pour into my soul till it washes out my inner battle... till I see with Your eyes... till I think and feel with Your love saturating everything. Help me love You tonight with all that I am. Please. I am holding on ... I am right here ... go ahead and get ready.
Jesus a lot of things feel crazy right now and yet I do feel planted in You... even though I can feel my footing being eroded as I am close to wanting to 'fix' things. So I need to hear from You obviously.
What do I need to hear right now?
What if it isn't about you? What would be your role then?
Well to love.... to be who You ask me to be...
Even if you not only don't get anything back? Or get even less?
Sure cause it is not... about me being supported or even liked... But I am responsible to be consistent... despite the fall out cause that would be close to being like You. Hurt or wounding comes out of making it about me and my feelings and wants... then comes the reaction out of feelings or guilt or people pleasing. That doesn't work at all. So what if it is about me even a little lol.
You don't have to worry then do you? Because who is about you? and I mean all about you to the very last detail?
You.
I AM the only One who can do that job the right way the best way the most loving way ... trust Me.
I do. Can I hold onto You for a while?
You smile as You pull me in, You doing more of the holding than me... I don't want my sadness to build up Jesus. I don't want my regret or failure to make footholds. I can see that I need to be in Your arms alot to really learn and apply this lesson. My chest aches when things are off relationally... it always has. and it makes me angry inside and it comes out on my family. Angry cause it's not fair. Wow, that sounds familiar. But I don't have to hold that anger cause that's Your job to handle all that... I gave up my rights and myself to You, for You to be about me... not me. So I will give You all my tears too. Could You please keep holding me tonight otherwise I will be so useless. Hey Holy Spirit... I need You to pour into my soul till it washes out my inner battle... till I see with Your eyes... till I think and feel with Your love saturating everything. Help me love You tonight with all that I am. Please. I am holding on ... I am right here ... go ahead and get ready.
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