Hey Jesus ... it has been a couple of days. My heart has been calling to You a lot lately often in a confused and lost way. Lost because I feel like I don't recognize where I am. The only thing that is familiar is the ache for You... that takes over inside and washes over me with an intensity that sometimes leaves me breathless. You know, there are sometimes Jesus that I am more afraid of myself than anything else. What really is scarier or more threatening than what we are capable of inside our own hearts and souls? What can pull us away from You easier than our own demons our own vices ... the pride that has so many faces to hide it's ugliness. What of our desire for control? Our desire for our own happiness and comfort? The sheer ignorance of our indecent and indignant demand for what we deserve... what we are entitled to? In the clarity of this moment I see just how sacrificial You are by stepping into our lives and asking us to surrender. The biggest sacrifice is not what we are giving up. It is what You do... what You are willing to do... what You have already done so You would be always right there ready to step in, to pour out, to hold us before the word has even left our lips. We are so sadly deluded into thinking that You are asking so much of us. It all leaves me a little sick inside, at the extent of the facade we hold onto with a grip that leaves gouges, threatening wounds that will fester and bleed.

    I sit here a little stunned and what I think is this. There is something I want to ask for Jesus... first is Jesus, Father and sweet sweet Holy Spirit... I want a relationship with You more than anything (yet I know I fail miserably at this over and again). Next is I know my battle with the carefully erected facade will not leave without constant and vigilant battle so I want to ask You Jesus for a weapon. I want to ask that You would place in the deepest part of my heart a picture or word or ??? of the truth. The truth of living in You... and what that really required and requires of You... yes You not me. We've masterfully twisted it and I don't want to anymore. I want to fight against that part of me. I don't know where this will take me but Jesus knowing that I will need You for all of it sits right with me.
journal entry... Feb 6/11

Father speaks into my fear

...journal entry Jan 28/11

 
Jesus something is really weighing on me.

   Father... I know I need to love You for no other reason than, I am simply that, in love with You. I have been reading about how we can have other motives in loving You and it scares me to hear that.  Whether they have power for any length of time or are being fought against  I get that they are there and it is unsettling; scary even.  Father, I don't want to ask You for a blessed life anymore. In fact it has even been some time since I have been comfortable asking You for safety (I know You understand that) and it is the same thing.  
  
   Wanting You to give us a good life... knowing it is You that can give it doesn't water down the selfish motive behind asking for it. I know that I don't want comfort over You. I want our relationship to super cede my wanting of comfort and protection and blessing. 

   I know that having that ridiculously close existence with You moment to moment outweighs all things because of many realities. First of all the craver (that selfish inner man) begins to starve when we are tight... my perspectives start to skew to Yours and I grasp a little tighter to 'not being about myself' becoming more willing to let You take care of that. Trusting You to take care of that. Of me. When we are tight, troubles and trials have this amazing potential of shifting into times of purpose, redemption or healing so completely opposite to what the enemy wants of course.  Yet we fight against ever getting into those 'hard' times because they threaten our belief that we are okay.  That it is only a punishment or a fallen world consequence we need to get through, which is 'undeserved' (might as well say it that way) cause we resent at times what we have to go through, we feel indignant that life or You are demanding that of us. But here's the thing I see... or hear... You allow us to walk into those very places (which ironically we often demand to go into due to our selfish and limited human logic) yet Your mercy and grace transform those times to accomplish mind blowing things both in us and around us. You let us walk into the darkness of only thinking of ourselves and bring us out of it "to bring us in..." to You. Into the freedom of loving You for You ... not for what You do or will do but for who You are. And this is back to where I started.  "If you love Me only when I immediately satisfy your desires, your love is merely one more form of self-centeredness. Your love becomes trust only when you choose to believe that I brought you out of something bad to bring you into something good before you experience that something good. Then your love is sustained by confidence in My character, not by enjoyment of current blessings. "pg 19 66 Love Letters, by Dr. Larry Crabb "Love has no meaning unless it remains alive when the one you claim to love seems distant and unresponsive. " Now here is where my fear sits. I want to ask You, Father, to burn away that selfishness in me so that our relationship can be real and real close BUT I am afraid that in asking that You will test me by being distant and asking me to love You when You aren't loving me in the way I am so used to now. In that nearly tangible presence, in thoughts, in my heart, in circumstance and events, in words of those around me or even in revealing Yourself and Your thoughts in Your Word as I have come to know deeper as of late.

   Okay so this is you fighting against what you believe is a dark or hard time ... you said just a few sentences ago (with an air of disgust or unbelief at your lack of belief or trust in Me) that the facade of what those times really are ... are just that... these times and situations are not what they present themselves as (or more accurately your fear paints them as) They are not huge, dark and scary. Sure they are not easy or even comfortable but can I bring You through them without being right there beside You? no... being right inside you? Sure I may exist in a form or way that your eyes or eyes of your heart may not yet know, thus cannot see through lack of understanding, but that doesn't mean I am not there! Look back at what I just walked you through... I asked you to see Me in a different way, to interact with Me in a new way, to trust me when you couldn't reason through what was happening. Because of my brilliant ways you knew you were arguing between Me in one form over Me in a new form and you couldn't grasp any logical argument cause the fight was for Me either way and if it was Me how could one be better than the other???  But really, think about it... you don't need to be concerned with how I burn away your selfishness ... trust Me to do that messy stuff. I love you Tam ... my desire for you to want me the way I want you is beyond measuring. So just keep your eyes on Me on KNOWING Me. Fear? It has no place between us! Connect fear with the word trust how about? As soon as you feel it rising up ask yourself ... "if I am really trusting Jesus with my whole life what do I have left to be afraid of? Like really."

   Father, thank You. Here I have been stewing in this for a few days and once again due to the love I cannot explain You come. You come and sit with me and talk to me. The weight of what lengths You go to love me is not lost on me. It breaks me every time. And I love You Father ... Jesus You know I can't look in Your eyes without going all soft... and Holy Spirit oh the rivers of thanks that flow from my very soul that You are with me... so faithful.

 

You know Jesus, I don't suppose anything. But I expect anything.  

    I have realized to a deeper level that leadership or standing in a prominent role carries with it alot of weight and responsibility. Not that I would shirk from it but the allure of personal glory in holding a role or in works is not something that catches my eye especially with the weight that comes with it. Kind of like a millstone's weight. Take away any selfish motives whether private or public... let them sink away tarnished in light of Your glory and beauty.

   I see Your face and You are laughing that joyful, soul filled laugh that resonates and begs all those that hear to join in. Your eyes close as You laugh again... everything about Your face is just so free and true... You know what it is to laugh and feel ridiculously good probably as true as You know the depth to which pain and separation goes... to the depths of hell itself.
   Your face becomes more somber but doesn't completely lose Your joy.  I see something else in Your eyes now, it is a sharing, an understanding, a depth and You don't hide it at all. You don't break our gaze but allow me to look, soaking in everything, to read all that I can.
   Jesus, I know I haven't earned a right to be here just like I know no one can.  I cannot grasp any logic to Your mercy so I embrace, with love and gratitude, the chance to be here with You. Your love and grace defies any explanation really.  Regardless, it definitely ... is.
   I haven't felt as lonely lately. didn't really realize that till now. You must be up to something... like really. Don't think I didn't see that glint in Your eye just now, lol. How bout You Jesus... You okay? You know what? I like even how that rolled off my tongue because I know that You, alone, really know me and what I mean and how sincerely I ask. It's frustrating at times when I try to reach out and it doesn't go anywhere close to where I hope. But how can we really know one another? and our intent? This brings me to You though, I am so intrigued with You and Your Father... that whole relationship while You were here was crazy close.  I know He spoke to You all the time just because of where You went, what You did and what You said. Could You teach me that? No that's not quite right is it... could You enable me to be submitted so completely to You and so in love with You alone that this reality could exist between us too? LOL... could You please make me like You? Like the man of many sorrows. I look up to Your eyes and catch that flash of emotion that makes me remember the contrasts. While living the life that Your Father was so very proud of, You endured opposition, misunderstanding, rejection, and pain of so many kinds in others that I am convinced You felt Yourself. The way I see it right now is this ... I believe I am willing to endure whatever pain comes, due to my desire to live in a relationship with You that is as close as possible. You got through it because of Your Father, You were never alone.  I remember You saying that to Your disciples just before they abandoned You to Your death. So I think that any pain I would face will  never be something I would do alone. In fact I think it would bind us together in depth and layers ... well I don't know, perhaps on my side at least lol... as You are already loving me perfectly. Nothing would be able to dim the light of the life lived in You. Nope nothing. So Jesus, again I say, take all of me. Now. Please touch my mind that I may know... my eyes that I will see... my heart that I would love like You.  Teach me to be like You.

Facing our own layers. Owning up to what is inside of ourselves. 

   Why do we fear reaction? Why do we fear and hide things? Why do things like jealousy and anger surface? We are not only not living in true love but it screams out that we have things we need to look at and surrender to You.  I'm beginning to believe our biggest sacrifice will be our selfishness. 
The desire we have to protect ourselves the knee jerk reaction to cover, defend, manipulate and fulfill what we believe we need and deserve is so strong.  To see it for what it is ... is absolutely the first step towards denying it and taking up our cross to follow Jesus completely and wholeheartedly.
 
   Let's take jealousy as an example. This violent reaction can spring up at a moment's notice and the biggest cause is someone who is 'claimed' by you for faithful love and support is somehow wooed by another. This event can cause a few reactions. One is an angry, protective move because that one claimed, is there to love you alone... sharing is not an option because it may lessen what you receive and we all want as much love from others as we can.  Another reaction is fear. If we lose the one we've claimed it may prove that we are actually not worthy of it in the first place perhaps (and this may be the biggest fear), that we are unlovable. All of these responses are completely self centered they never consider any of the others in the circumstance. This is not love at all. This is not God.  Not the love that He commands us to love with. 
   Being tied up with selfishness not only keeps us in bondage but it walls out Jesus and His love to enter into our lives.  It prevents us from being free to actually love as we are being loved by Him. 
   Jesus, I know I have alot to yet learn and face. And although I am scared to look inside at times I would rather go through that kind of pain than to exist only in part throughout my existence here on earth.

   The second thought today was linked to being bold enough to face what is inside with the intent to deal with it. It is in the risk of being honest with God and ourselves. As with the Samaritan woman whom Jesus led to a spiritual level and understanding only by her being vulnerable and honest. By admitting the way she was living, she opened herself up to more possible attack or judgement of shame and disdain for who she was and what she was doing (and despite how much she was already enduring) YET she was honest and took the risk of further hurt. What happened ?  She was instead set free ... she was given spiritual sight; realizing that she was having an intimate encounter with God... she, who was an outcast, a failure, a throw away. If she had answered any other way she would have missed this moment and gone away continuing to exist in her current state. Never fully aware of what was actually being held out to her. A redemption... that she indeed had worth, purpose, and was in fact loved so much by God that He met her Himself.
 
Hear the message... Heed the words... Take the risk. 

Journal excerpt  Dec 14/10

I need You Jesus.

It is just You and I as all around us goes dark, for there is no relevence in what surrounds us.  I could even close my eyes... for all that matters is, what I know is true ... that You are holding me. The reason I laugh Reader is remembering all the times I want to 'see' and even in specific ways and when it comes right down to it is it any more tangible than what I know as truth? I close my eyes and exhale, letting go of what already threatens to pile up... and when I breathe in ... I breathe in You. Holy, Holy, Holy, You are my God, my Saviour, my Love, my Father , my Rescuer... You are Life. You are my life. I hear You speaking into my hair but I do not know the Words... the language. You speak to me but not as me alone but corporately as Your bride, Your body. You seem to pour out Your thoughts and desires and passions, even tears slide down as You recall generation after generation of Your Beloved. Your love and who You are come out in a rush of words and melody that are so sweet to hear that it almost breaks my heart. For with truth... there is realization, with realization... there is humbling, with humbling... there is a wave of the depth of Your Grace and in the face of Your Grace the tide aches to return to the sea, to be complete, to Know and be Known... to love with the love that You have filled us up with first.

Now there is a silence that is as thick as a blanket of down... my adoration, my love for You floods over and over again, deep within my soul but the beauty of being still and in Your arms hold it's own reverence, Holiness. As long as You want Jesus... as long as You want.

Go and hold my Beloved... Go out with abandon as I am holding you, hold those all around you, those I will bring to you... I will fill you with a knowing, a leading, forever tune in to my stirring and movements, my whispers and calls... hear my heart that has been written down and echo it. You are in my Word for a deep purpose continue in it... be consumed.
  
Here I am send me. Dec 8/10

   How are You doing today? 
   Jesus, if we were standing together right now this is what I'd do ... I'd take You by the hand and we would walk to that rise over there. The sun is still low but climbing quickly.  Sitting on the top of the picnic table I am on Your left, I put my arm around You and rest my head on Your shoulder. We would spend as much time as You wanted just being still and quiet, soaking in each other's presence and the beauty of what Your hands, Your Word has made. After a time, I would sit behind You giving You a back massage... with each touch I would want You to know the depths of my love and devotion to You.

   Now we are sitting on the bench and You are holding me. The words echo through my mind " If you can be all about Me then you will never need to worry about you. Let Me be about you. Your sight will then become my sight... your heart as mine.  What you do will be only about the Father. What you will witness in these days will be unlike any other... this is where real truth is revealed the lies of humanity and it's desire to preserve and protect itself will fall into shards; like glass falling upon the foundation of Rock, the eternal truth...that lie so ready to be broken yet left untouched by so very many. In this day of true sight the heavens will be broken open and you will see the spiritual as clearly as the physical. Your breath will catch as You see my Glory revealed ... purpose will take on new meaning. Even suffering takes on a new cloak.  When you ache and cry out it will not be for yourself it will be for those around you that both create, sometimes unknowingly, such depth of pain and brokenness and feel wave after wave of assault from this world. Your pain will not be lessened and instead may be increased but it is not borne alone... this pain is one that is shared shoulder to shoulder with Me. And as real as it is, it is wound inexplicably with cords of love and in your deepest mourning you will feel the depths of my undeniable love, passion and the strength of my presence.. for where you are, there I AM."

I close my eyes and try to contain the fact that You spoke this to me. 

Journal entry...Dec 7/10

   So Jesus I have that unsettled feeling this morning but it isn't a bad thing ... it is that 'on the verge of something' feeling. I have no one to talk to about it except the only one who would understand it completely.  For somehow, I think it is from You or in response to You being near me.
 
   Too often I am afraid to step forward and I haven't known what to do with that but I want to neither be afraid of failing or of succeeding. I want to let that perspective fall away discarded as a useless view. I want instead to follow in obedience because of my love for You. For to be in either camp of failure or success does me no good but to force me to look at myself ... to become consumed with all things me and how I should handle it. The other, however, offers an existence in Your presence. A freedom to love as I follow You or walk alongside You or am carried by You.

Journal entry... Sept 5/11, 9:39am