If I am not to let emotion rule me and I am to let You be about me instead of me. If I need to rest on what is Truth... who You are; then I need help right now. Jesus I am glad You KNOW me. I would be very lonely otherwise. How can anyone else ever be expected to fill that need that we have... to be KNOWN and loved despite it all. Jesus fill my heart and mind with where You want my thoughts and vision to be.  Just had a thought... everyone around me judges me against a backdrop of what they think is perfect or ideal. I am not only unable to live up to anyone's standards (which interestingly will be different for every person) but it is as hopeless to try to do that, as it is to try to be 'good enough' for the salvation of my soul. We are not perfect so why do we keep expecting it of everyone around us? We are warped.  Sadly.

   I made it through most of today but I am here again on the threshold of allowing others to control me indirectly through reaction and response. I need to hold onto You and refocus. 
   Journal entry... Oct. 18/10

   Jesus I did have a great night last night. The thing that stays with me still though is that You are right here with me. I want to be more and more aware of Your presence till it becomes tangible to me. I want this badly. For what else is there really? Everything spills out of You ... of us being together and KNOWING one another. 
   Jesus?  Yes? I want to call on Your 'plentitude' for me ... I am feeling that familiar ache of needing to be loved, seen and heard . I normally would look for it in others but I know that that will not satisfy this deep longing because it is You I actually hunger for. So I want to give You this loneliness because wrapped up in the desire to be near You is selfishness and insecurity too. 
   Oh wow.. I just  wrote that I wasn't going to look for this in others and what did I just do... I texted 3 people. Looking at it I see something interesting... when I am in an emotional place bad or good I often want to pour out some love on those in my life.  It's like I want to make sure that others don't feel unheard or unloved... so I reach out.
   Jesus will You meet me today? Really meet me? I will wait here I can't seem to move. 
... journal entry, Oct. 15/10

Where are You right now? I don't think I can get much closer to you lol. How real and tangible can this become? Really real. Yah. Will You teach me to live this way? I can see fears dropping away like flies in that very real presence of You. I have a long ways to go and I need to be reminded all the time but I want to be here. Yah... I want you here too. :) I am crazy in love with You Jesus. And I you.

Oct. 14/10

   Jesus I am feeling a little lost this morning. Argh.
 
So Jesus, what are You doing today? 
Walking by a river.
Cool.
Want to come? 
Okay.
Who am I?
God.
So what about all your thoughts and worries?
I figure if I stay focused on You things will stay the proper size.
So can you do that? 
With Your help lol.
Here's a rock throw it in.

  In the river, the rock is completely immersed by the water.  It becomes a small part of the river bed but pretty much at the mercy of the water, moved by it; gradually shaped by it.
Sit with Me here. Where are we?
We are sitting on a boulder looking at the river as it runs by, we can enter it or not, we can drink it or not, we hear it. With all it's strength and seeming endlessness we are not controlled by it.
It's rather exciting being with You there is so much enjoyment, freedom, possibilities.  I like being with You.
Then stay with Me. Tired? Stay closer.  

 Love you Jesus. morning of Oct. 12/11

Well Jesus I made it through this day amazingly well... especially considering I've been on the doorstep of being sick.  I think I managed to stay out of the river and stay by Your side instead. By Your grace alone. :) Have I mentioned that I love You lately? I really, really do.  Interesting, that water holds so many lessons... I like what that book has to say... about the impact of a life lived with eternity as a focus instead of the present world. Nice. I think that was what today was all about.

journal entry night of Oct. 12/11

Morning Jesus this week has zoomed by and it is crazy how little I have come to sit down by You.
So how are You doing? How are You feeling? What has been happening?

    I sit on the edge of my chair eager to hear anything You share. This makes You smile. I like that. I saw You yesterday Jesus. :) It was in a look of JJ's while she sang and it was in the exchange of looks between a couple... I cannot describe just how beautiful that was. It nearly takes my breath away. Huh. I really love You. I reach out to touch You... I touch Your knee and then You offer Your hand. I grasp it in both of mine and sigh, I cannot get enough of You. I look up again into Your eyes and look... really look, at what You are saying. I love my people so bad it hurts... I ache for the time that all is as it is intended and You are all here where I have prepared a place for you. You are here with Me. I don't just see you, I feel... I know the pain you are walking through, I hear your cries of brokenness and loss. The heat of rage is not lost I feel it's intensity as it courses throughout your body. The tragedy of being wrapped in a blindfold of lies and what it wroughts out in your life ... I watch, I reach out, I speak truth that heals and frees, I speak a truth that rebukes and binds up the dark, I speak truth. I speak love. ... can you hear me? are you listening? Ache for Me... as I ache for you! 
   Oh that my arms are like the arms of all your Beloved... I stand up and move onto Your lap so that I can wrap You up in an embrace. I hold You with firmness, I hold You with purpose, I hold You in love. Oh that I could love You more. I draw back and touch Your face. You are so beautiful... how You can carry such depth of love and know such pain yet reflect such peace and love and joy... it's crazy to wrap my mind around. Your eyes smile at me ... what an amazing honor it is having this  relationship with You... one that You don't need but You want.  Huh. 

Oct 8/10... journal entry.

   I don't have much inside, Jesus, but I know I'd love to meet.

   If we were on a boat... we'd be where we can see no land. The sun would be warm and bright with the occasional clouds giving relief.  For a while, we lie down in the bottom of the boat and let the waves rock us. The sounds of the water against the boat and the movement soon put me fast asleep.
   In my dream we are standing in the dark then You reach for my hand and we start walking. When we sit down You are holding a ball of light between Your hands. You hold it up higher with one hand and with the other catch a drop of light that falls from it. Setting down the ball we come very close and look intently at the drop. People are walking by or running, sometimes with another, sometimes alone. There are hills of green grass and a very big leafy tree atop the highest hill. You incline Your ear to hear the softly spoken words of someone under the tree.  I mimic You and listen in too. The words are heavy with the deepest sincerity and urgency. They long for Your presence. 
   We are suddenly right there beside them.  As they lift up their voice to You, Father, Jesus too joins in and speaks in a tongue that eloquently and with complete understanding, intercedes for them. 

... journal entry...Oct 4/10

My head hurts Jesus and I didn't get a letter from You.

I realize that in the absence of physical things there hides a richer reality that far outweighs. I realize that You are my best friend and so much more. I hate that when I have a week that is far away, for it is just that. I miss You but even though my tears come I am thankful for what I don't have. I am thankful that in what I lack I am learning to come to You for. I am thankful that You honor me with that relationship.

I am sorry when I am late.

Oct. 1/10