Journal entry July 29/10
Morning Jesus, I am just about to go out to work and I needed to check in with You.  The last two nights I have had dreams about people giving their condolences over my Dad and after a while it wakes me up and I have a hard time going back to sleep .. I seem to go over and over it. 

Wanna go for a walk? 

We walk through a field and pasture.  As we walk we take turns pointing out little and big things, enjoying all that is around us.  This makes us both smile.  We get to the top of a hill and we sit cross legged facing one another. The panoramic view from this hill is quite breathtaking but not even comparable to Your face... Your eyes.  I have nothing Jesus.  I have nothing.  While I sit here looking into Your eyes I believe I see something...  it's so many faces.  Some laughing, some crying, some serious, some asleep... and me.  Wow.  The myriad of faces keep scrolling by from all extremes and all those in the middle.  From every nation, time, and place. 

a song is playing telling of You in the garden...

Won't You take this cup from me
'Cause fear has stolen all my sleep
If tomorrow means my death
I pray You'll save their souls with it

Let the songs I sing
Bring joy to You
Let the words I say profess my love
Let the notes I choose
Be Your favorite tune
Father let my heart be after You

In this hour of doubt I see
But who I am is not just me
So give me strength to die myself
So love can live to tell the tale
        -needtobreathe-

So it is now hours after and I am still thinking about You and all those people in your eyes. 
I feel better inside today... more looking towards You and being able to not be ruled by emotion. 
Thank You for that. 
Jesus I love You.

The importance of being

Comments on July 28/10 journal entry...

So I came back to write down my reason for posting yesterday... I remember thinking after writing ... am I staying in the want and eagerly wanting more but not moving on to the receiving .  There is, however, something else I need to realize too. That I can feel that deep hunger for God but I don't always need Him in the way I think it should be.  Let me explain... Yesterday I journalled my want for a word or explanation from Him.  We live wanting answers to questions and to receive direction or gain understanding in our times talking to God.  But sometimes... even oftentimes ... I think Jesus just wants us to be with Him.  Soaking Him up with no demands at all.  To see where He will take things or will reveal in just that time of being together.  Being satisfied to just sit with Him reminds us to lay down ourselves at His feet, all of who we are, and look at Him and enjoy the crazy deep love He has for us.  During these moments things can become much clearer.  Maybe our figuring out isn't as important as we feel it is;  perhaps living in His presence, guided constantly by Him, in trust and obedience is what leads to real living.

Journal entry July 28/10

Jesus I haven't been here in so long it feels like a long week and a half. 
I got something else this morning... previously you had given me a picture of relationship and the depth of it through a movie but I knew when I went to look for that 'face' of it again most likely it would be different.  I assume so as not to latch onto something fixed and thus stifle the growth and reality of the relationship.  However we are often afraid to give up that one moment because it sunk in so deep and to step further in and away from that moment or 'face' creates the fear that we may lose it all.  But reality, Your reality, declares that if we are to stay in that moment we tragically lose what we are trying so hard to hang onto.  We need to have eyes that see and hearts open to receive. Then with faith and trust in You, to keep walking deeper and deeper and often away from what we know and into You.  I want that kind of relationship that I am always looking for You and how You speak... I will never forget those moments of connection but I don't want to be stuck in them either.  In the same way I am learning about the truth of the body... I see that You are way too diverse and creative and faceted to be boxed.  Seeing a coming together and unity in all those ways brings a beauty of such incomparable awe that we would indeed be fools to live content with only our own sight and view. 
   So this last week away from You I missed the intense tangible presence of You like I felt the week before.  Yet.  I knew You were there and again I am reminded that we do not always 'feel.'  Now my question to You is ... does it have to be that way? Did my lack of journalling make me drift away from You in some way?  Even if the state of my physical world is turbulent can I somehow keep that insane deep connection with You through it all?  Even if I had no hands could we have what we seem to have when we talk like this?  Did Brother Lawrence live constantly in the sway of passionate love for You?  It sounds like he did.  I want that. 
Let's meet?
   I feel like we are on a mountain top and looking down miles and miles.  Everything seems so far away.  I think You are holding me here because I don't think I am touching the ground.  It is not sunny and striking... it is overcast and a dullness settles on the view before me.  I am looking for You, I want to see You.  I know what I want but do You want me to see something first?  I look from side to side. The ranges and valleys go on as far as my eyes can see... the breeze is cool, not comfortable.  Do You have words for me Jesus?  Words that I need to speak?  I don't hear Your answer but I strain too, Jesus, I am not sure what I am seeing could I see it through Your eyes instead?  I know that there are glints of gold throughout this landscape but I cannot see them.  Are they Your people?  Why am I on a mountain top?  To gain perspective?  To receive a message for them, for us?  I do not need to be afraid.  You are here.  Yet I almost frantically seek out Your voice.  Why am I deaf? 
   I lay down my questions and realize they have grown from a wee stone to a tall rock pile ... I kind of laugh at myself and give them a push.  They tumble down and spread out losing their height and power.  Ha.  I close my eyes and try to just sense Your presence... it takes awhile but You grow clearer and closer the longer I stand here.  If feel You against my shoulder and my heart soars. You actually come around in front of me.  Holding my shoulders yet at the same time You grow huge as if You are becoming the whole sky.  I see Your face smiling and holding my gaze while I also see the sky and mountains, trees, rocks and valleys too.  You look so happy as our eyes remain locked.  In this moment I choose to let go of reasoning and fact and understanding in my own strength I just want to look at You and be filled with joy and love. You alone make me understand and I will trust You to reveal to me at the right moment what that means.  So I look again into Your eyes and I laugh... I laugh loud and it joins with your own and echoes down the mountain.  It is filling up the valleys , the landscape till it nearly reaches us once more.  I look into Your crinkled in laughter and delight eyes and I am filled with the knowing that this is where I always want to be. 

Journal entry July 17/10
    Jesus it is funny, I was so looking forward to posting another blog of ours... but cannot due to lack of Internet.  But that's okay there would be nothing to blog if I didn't just spend time with You and that is what I am most definitely here for. 
   Wow just sitting here sipping my coffee I had a wave of that deep feeling we shared yesterday and yes, my smile came back.  I love You Jesus so so much. 
   Where shall we go today? Where do You want to take me?  Ahhh back to last night.... I cannot express adequately in words how much I enjoyed Your presence during that very stunning thunderstorm last night.  The light show was breathtaking, the thunder at times so deep and loud and long.  It made me think of You as Father, then as You and then as the Holy Spirit.  When there was much lightning without hardly any sound was when I thought of You being Father.  The magnificence, the brilliant display. It made me think along the lines of what Matt Mayer shared... we see but don't fully understand or yet know who You are yet we are so drawn in.  I then heard that sound of movement, a stirring that broke the stillness.  I strained in the darkness to know whether it was rain but no, it was the wind coming ... and it came, finally, right to my window and then the heaven's let loose.  At one point a gust of wind blew through my window and the smell that reached me was absolutely intoxicating.  It took me to the forest instantly.  Thank You for that gift.  The wind of course spoke and reminded me of Sarayu... but the sounds, the rain, the light reminded me of You, Jesus.  I think the rain this summer is so deeply enjoyable for me because it just feels like You actually being poured out upon us all.  That is is You saying... just as you feel the rain that is how real I am, that is how close I am to you.  Now I love the sun but when it came yesterday I longed to hear and feel and see You in the rain.  lol. 

Meeting Jesus in the desert

Filling in the picture of my summer ... journal entry July 18/10

Hi Jesus... this morning, was again, a time redeemed and touched by Your hand.  Thank You, I know only You could have made this happen.  You are merciful and tender indeed.  We must have that soft spot in Your heart.  :)  Whew. 
How wild was it to have Don and Dorothy come for the morning service.  And even though it wasn't a full blown potluck ... how good and appropriate it was to share a 'little'.  Irma's testimony was so moving.  I could almost feel what she spoke about... literally screaming for You when she could not breathe.  Hmmmm.

So wanna hang out?  Yah I know.  :)

Where are we?  You know, it's kind of exciting to type those all too familiar words out anymore... cause I know that You come and take me.  I am... (think about that Reader)  coming to the place where I KNOW that when I ask that He faithfully takes me to be with Him. 
   I cannot see where we are because I cannot look away from Your face.  The music that rips through my soul and emotion comes out of the depth with which I want to love You.  I want to see and feel and KNOW and return the absolute look of love that You just are and radiate constantly.  If my love can reflect any of what I see then I am so thrilled.  Jesus I love You. 
  You put Your arms around me and pull me in... in Your way.  You hold my head against Yourself and it is as if time stands still for there is no rush for anything but to just be together.  We being to dance at times together and at times apart with abandon and in the light of life and love.  With arms out wide, we spin circles and throw our heads back to laugh the deep laugh of the soul. 
  As we walk out into a desert place I hang on Your arm and cannot seem to be close enough.  The sun is setting yet it holds a heat that relentlessly radiates out.  I hardly notice, however, for I am holding the hand of a Holy and Divine God.  The shadows eventually lengthen and a coolness starts to settle in.  We climb to the top of a great hill... the rock is very warm to the touch and so beautiful in it's orange and red hues.  We sit on it's smooth peak and again look out and soak up all that is being said by what we see.  The absolute stunning display of color across the sky, the moods of rock, cactus and scrub brush slowly losing their features in the blue black of dusk.  The soft sounds of the night starting to stir... a call, a howl... and that distinct and very real sound of silence.  As the night robs our sight of what surrounds us we lay on our backs to watch the sky.  You rest Your head on Your arms and I lay my head on You.  Together, we drink in the glorious display of the heavens.  Why the desert?  Why not?  True.  Lol.  You got to share a bit about the beauty of a desert place.. and then You got to see how your comment, you felt was so clumsily delivered, bloom and become seen by others.  Yah.  that was an extremely humbling honor, for I know she is not yet out of that desert place and to have the insight and conviction while there is definitely a touch of Your presence.

Meeting Jesus up in a tree

Journal entry July 17/10

Jesus here it is afternoon already but I know I need to connect with You even for a moment or two before I go any further.  I think I heard You, just now, with Bailey... thanks.  That little walk which was only a few minutes long meant alot to both of us.  I love You so so much.  I realize I need to hear alot from You and I have alot I need to talk out too but let's meet and see where it goes? 

Up in the top of one of the ancient and towering evergreens is where we are!  We share laughter for many reasons.  When we both finally stop chuckling a silence descends upon us as we look out.  Being way up here there is a moan and whistle to the soft wind that doesn't seem to stop.  The view makes me think big and then deep.  I am sitting on a branch and You come behind me, standing on another branch and kind of look over my shoulder.  We share what we see without words.  I close my eyes and experience the rush of all I feel well up.  I am aware of so much... the air carrying wafts of warm then cool ... the sounds of nature moving , rustling and calling.  The most significant one of course is You.  I feel You against my back and Your presence is always so many things all at once.  Strength, calm, love, passion, deep truth and reality.  It makes my senses swim in awe that You are so near. 

(later in the day)  Are we still here?  hmmm. Except now we are facing one another ... deep in conversation.

whoa... how does that work?  I SEE us talking but I don't hear what is said.  LOL... oh hang on... I do get it... it's what I have been feeling and experiencing all week... we are sharing and talking all the time and I am so crazy in love with You.  :)  This conversation is what frees me to be wholly Yours... free of my own selfishness and distraction...

Dear Reader...
In looking back over my summer, that has held such significance for me, I decided to gradually post other journals to fill in just how it became such an amazing season for me. Here is a entry from the beginning of July.

Hi Jesus... it's me, of course :) How was Your day? I am so glad I got to go to bible study today after all. I needed it. And the movie really reminded me to stop moping about and live and love life again ... yesh! Where have I been? I miss You in me. I miss really living. It has been all too easy to slip into my despairing melancholy of failing at life. Perhaps I need to quit being so determined to be a success. Ha. Jesus could You give me new eyes and a new heart and a deeper passion and focus that refuses to leave Your face? Ahhh... Jesus I cannot seem to settle down.. it's been a while since I have felt like this... I miss it. I feel like I want to go a hundred directions in the desire to just love You.

So where are we? In the middle of a field. The bearded barley is tall and we can run, fall, sit, and yet, when we get up and look around it's like no one has even touched it. So we run... with abandon! It's like when you are a kid and you get to be in a school after hours and that desire to just run as fast as you can down the deserted hallways wells up... the sound of your runners squeaking on the polished hallways that are only lit by the red light from the emergency exits and an occasional open door. There is something so grand about doing it! hahahahaha. We run with our arms outstretched , laughing with that same delight! The field that seemed so green and flat slowly rises up... the color is changing too. By the time we reach the top of the hill we are surrounded by a gold that is only outdone by the sun itself. It lights to a magical color a huge boulder. We climb up and sit, washed by the rays of light streaming down upon us. We close our eyes and lift our faces to receive it's warmth, it's touch. I have been feeling so needy lately I haven't been where I need to be. Next to You. Without a look You reach over and hold my hand I grab on so grateful for Your mercy. My heart is so full of love for You. I rest on You and relish the moment of just being with You. I can picture Deb here. She walks toward us through the golden barley that is so crazy high. She gets to our boulder and reaches up her hand, with her beautiful smile beaming. We each grab a hand and hoist her up easily. She sits between us and lets out a deep sigh.