journal entry December 15, 2009

Jesus I know I don't have time but I need You. Wow that's an interesting sentence really... cause who says what time needs to go where? Why do we push ourselves the way and direction we do? Since when do we have the insight and wisdom to know where to pour ourselves out and when to stop the cycle of living, existing and do something else? I know how I feel and I know I need You... my best friend. I am aching for time with You... I am feeling that all too familiar need for a friend.
So what can we do together? We can fly. Really? Those words instantly bring tears to my eyes and I gasp with amazement of Your love. We haven't done that forever. The two times I remember the most was You prophesying into my life and the time over our church. Where would we fly?

All I see are treetops but I know what is underneath them... there is a path that is only as wide as a footstep... yet it is mossy and thick like a sponge. There is a man walking on the path; no... he is running. His breaths are ragged as he pushes himself further and faster, sweat dripping, lungs burning. He breaks out from under the cover of the trees into an opening where underfoot the spongy moss has turned to rock. The view reveals where he has been running to. The panorama of mountain ranges are breathtaking. They are both close and distant to the point where they are swallowed up in the colors of the earth and sky. The shock of the change causes him to sit down hard on a nearby boulder and begin to weep. We've been overhead but now we come down and I watch as You draw near and kneel before him. You gently holding his face so Your eyes can meet. At that moment his sobs of relief and the letting go of the journey's wear take their toll and he collapses in Your arms. Closing his eyes and letting any need for self control slip away ... he sinks into a deep sleep. Oh my Jesus, who is this man? As You hold him so gently I come near to kneel and wash his feet. They are so dirty and scratched from his journey. The callouses hard but the trickles of blood from a passing thorn bush or rock tell of the desperation and determination to go as far as he could. The water is warm, the cloth soft as I again and again dip it in, rinse and wash. There is a flask of oil beside the basin and I then pour a portion of it on his feet ... the scent wafts up as I massage it in. I glance up and see that Your eyes have not left his face the whole time and I notice now that You have been speaking ever so softly to him all the while. My gaze drops to the ground in the reverence of this moment... Holy Holy Holy... Jesus , my God , my Saviour... You alone are God forever and ever. I kneel at Your feet as my heart crys out for this man and for love that literally washes over me... Holy Holy Holy...

December 11/09
I can't believe I have a day at home, wow. I love it. Even just the thought of it. :) How are You doing Jesus? How was the day/night for You? If You want a back rub or foot massage or someone to hold Your hand as You rest I'd love to. :) Why not... do You want to lay down on this couch and rest Your head on my lap? There is no extra noise in this room... just the regular house noises. Your eyes are closed and there is a blanket over You. I gently touch Your head as You rest and gaze out the window into the curious light of winter... the flakes are huge and both whistling down with the wind and lazily floating and drifting down in the shelter of the house. I turn my head to the right to see out the window... the fire is more in front of us and on the left. I massage Your head and after a time I begin to walk with You through my heart. We both close our eyes as we are on the couch pausing to listen and take in this moment. (You know what ... that fire is making no noise... weird) My chest tightens a little as we begin.
We come to a door that is slightly ajar but I can't figure out whose leading who. Even though it is mine, You know it better... yet should I ... be the one inviting? I'm a little afraid of the unknown (I know that sounds funny) so how about You lead through the door? You pause and look at me... smile and then give the door a push . It opens only as far as Your hand makes it go (significant) You are holding my hand the whole time and as we enter You keep Your eyes on me. It is a pretty comfortable room welcoming and ready... very simple though. A small wooden table with two chairs but with extra chairs along the wall ready for when the need arises. There is no stove yet there are two steaming mugs of drink just waiting on the table. Where's the next door? It isn't until we sit at the table that I see it; it is not a door but a stairwell down in the corner of the room in the floor. (significant... the sitting to see yet the stairwell is in the corner behind me when I am sitting) We immediately get up, I'm excited to move on so I am the first one this time. I grab Your hand and look deep in Your eyes, I can feel mine sparkling with excitement and the 'let's go' words in them. We walk down the stairs but this time it is me watching You as we descend. What You are seeing makes You smile so I turn my head to find another room ... this one is deeper feeling, darker but more intimate. Instead of a table and chairs there are deep leather wingback chairs but also a couch with pillows and blankets just ready but folded neatly on one end. The couch is in front of a crackling fire while the chairs are back and to my left in an alcove of sorts. The alcove is made of stone yet why isn't it cold feeling? The windows in the alcove are the squared kind I love and the windows open on any of the three sides. I see that one side window is open a crack and a distinctly warm breeze is entering in here... ahhh (significant). I know that there will be an assortment of doors in this room cause the stuff shared here always leads to more. Ooooo but those aren't why we are here now.. it's this hallway isn't it? "You lead ok?" As we cross the room to enter the hallway You play with me a bit, how do I describe that? Instead of just taking my hand and leading me across, You move around me laughing, enjoying , a hug from behind then a laugh as You turn away and I chase You to jump on Your back for a moment... it's kind of like an in love playing around. (significant... it's the deep feeling rising up , can't get enough of You , can't believe I'm with You and want time to stop thing.) As soon as we enter the hallway is when You just grab my hand and we walk side by side down it's length. Again it's stone, kind of like it's ancient yet still well travelled and not dusty or cold it's warm and there are lights, hanging candles, along it's length. Inviting. My chest tightens a little more. I close my eyes because I don't know what I'll see yet I continue to be lead by You. When we stop I open my eyes to see... it is a dark room with a single candle burning at what I assume is the center of it but as my eyes adjust I see that there are smaller flames from little candles on the walls surrounding. I look into Your eyes and feel a mix of emotion... there is a bit of anxiety here ... I, on one hand, only want to look at You so I don't have to look around . I don't fully understand and am a bit scared to let You tell me. However... Your eyes are calm and assuring, You are comfortable here which makes me feel that it's okay to let You tell me. This is a place of dying but it is where You die to self. This is the place you are when you dare to love others with my love. You dare to step beyond yourself and feel more deeply for another. The reason it scares you is that my love is riskier than what you've conditioned yourself to... think young... dare a look, reach out, expect a response... it's either positive or negative, react to that response, it either ends or goes on as long as there is a response back. So sadly conditional. Here is where you dare without the first look ... cause you feel my love for them before anything... this is daring... to act on it. Also to let yourself feel it. Yes in feeling and reaching out you want a response, the response isn't really for you is it? Wow. Didn't think of that! So that is where the dying to self comes to life lol... I'm asking you to love people for Me... it doesn't require a response to you. It may desire one but either way it doesn't change that love... Let's do a worst case scenario ... suppose you feel that love rising for another , you reach out and get refused or get absolutely nothing ... cold.. only in dying to self you continue to feel my love for them and so you continue to reach out as I direct. Now it hurts to put yourself out there and get nothing back but are those true words? Are you putting yourself out there... no, it's You. Do you need a response to continue loving? No... especially not here because the response is for You not me anyways.... It may come in a delightfully twisted, strangely associated time I will know nothing about... cause You work all things together. Your moving doesn't seem to be disassociated from one another probably because You are about relationship :) So even in knowing that it doesn't matter what happens, it could be anywhere on that planned chain of events. The 'doesn't matter' words are not accurate in a way either...'irregardless' perhaps better? Yet they both denote something of importance so I will leave them both. Okay so lets go back tot he hurt. Okay. Even though it is Me moving through you... you being human will feel hurt in several situations but I am telling You it is worth it... and that it isn't really your hurt to carry , it is mine YET even in that you will still feel even if it is on my behalf... but it is so crucial to die to self here. Sometimes moment to moment cause to experience this deep love even as a vessel, aches but to take it on and misplace it as your own will shut you down in pain, hurt, wounding etc and you will move into the 'protect yourself mode ' which blocks everyone out even Me. You brought to mind my commenting in a conversation to Glenn about being willing to go through hell for another... so I could love them... I really meant those words... but it really means so that You can love another through me.
So I am ready to look at the room. You smile and we turn to the center of the room. What is that candle in the center? It's you and Me. And it'll grow and get brighter as our love goes deeper and is revealed for what it really is... it's in the KNOWING Me. The other candles likewise are you allowing me to love others through you. The room's darkness and lightness fluctuate at different times but it will always be a darker room than the rest because all You really need to see is Me here. Everything revolves around Me here including being able to come here. It is an intense place because it deals with great depths which always pull in deep responses within (emotional, spiritual, mental) You look very deeply into my eyes and pull me into an embrace and You hold me.

Wow... that was a journey... I still feel it within my chest but we are back on the couch with the snow falling outside. Your head is in my lap. I stroke Your hair and we so quietly continue to be... I've been holding my breath ... I exhale, close my eyes and smile.

Jesus I am so full of You right now.


I know it is You because I want to love.


I desire freedom not safety, I desire depth not comfort.


I feel the abandon to know You in each moment, no longer confined by a time.


There is no settling for what the world offers, instead I dive into what it has blinded us to.


I love You.


You are my God... the lover of my soul.

I'm not sure how to start this... Jesus has helped me take some pretty big steps into the unknown lately. Wildly though is... in addition to experiencing some pretty big changes within; I know that I am also learning some stuff I haven't even had time to process. I'm pretty sure I'll recognize it though; when it comes up ... in those moments.
Early in October while at a inner healing conference God showed up in some powerful ways. He even spoke to me outside of the conference through my sister-in-law who had a vision for me... She started off with the observation that I am NOT a water person. (never learned to swim well and I have experienced a few moments of panic while in the stuff). I was on a pebbly beach on the shore of a lake. It is very beautiful and here's the thing... Jesus is inviting me into the water. There is an assurance that I will be safe there. He is the water. That night before falling asleep the thing that overwhelmed me with a very deep delight was that I could go right under the water and stay as long as I wanted! I would not need to come up for air. I would be able to breathe. I cannot explain how deeply this amazed and delighted me that I was being invited into that.
Right at the same time my world shifted in our day to day reality as well. With my husband leaving his job this also meant we would be without a home. We have only 3 months to find out the where and what we should do. Have to admit I have many ups and downs (some very hard emotional days) but wow what a learning ground. After a month of considering and wondering and, yes, stress and worry, I realized that in my very frequent cries for Jesus to be present He was taking me to the city. But in my unrest I wasn't taking the time to be there with Him. Here's my journal entry...

Hi Jesus, I am here and I know where we are... we are in the city. We are side by side on the hill. We've been here a few times, mostly with others but now it is just us. You have brought me here a few times now but I haven't stayed here long enough to see or hear. But I am here now. Jesus what do You want me to see? What do You want me to hear? You are on my left and we are fairly close to the treeline on the east side. The hill drops off quite quickly and the grass is lush and green. It flows down and down. We can see so far. To far away rises and different wooded areas that hint of the stream at their feet. What am I looking at Jesus? Promise. Hmmm. Is that promise of who You are? Or is that promise of what is coming? You know Jesus, I think it could be an answer of both but then I am wondering am I allowed to ask really specific questions? You laugh, then turn to me smiling. Yes. My answers aren't always specific in return but that is wrapped up in purpose too. Yes I can see that and I wouldn't want it any other way. I've always wanted to live in the moment of deep need / trust in You. This really is that moment and I like holding onto that line of peace that tells me that You are still very much in control. I am continually praying for Your mercy though... we all make up 6 very different lives and that draws deep pause within that my own motives would come up very short for the others and that would be so unfair. And so I cry out for Your mercy... only in You... only where You call... only Your first choice please. I look up and Your smile broadens and You reach over and touch my cheek. Oh my Holy God... thank You so much for loving me. Tears of awe and relief spring to my eyes so easily lately... I love You soooo much Jesus. So much. We both turn and look out again. Sitting silently, my eyes roam back and forth, far to near... what is this spacious land? This wide place? It is a place for you. For me alone? Or for my family and I? As soon as that popped out I thought 'nope that wasn't the right response'... let me try again. Thank You Jesus! I turn to smile at You... thank You. I scootch closer and tuck in right by Your arm. Holding it tightly I lean in as close as I can. For us. Ohhh that sounds good. Will we be walking / journeying into it soon? Yes....

Hey Jesus, I am finally back... I want to talk to You so bad. I realize it is my fault that I am hesitant to hear You... I am doubting You and I need to say I am sooo sorry. Jesus please be merciful and help me get beyond my lack of faith in You. I know You are faithful. I know this... You are ultimately the most able, Sovereign, my creator and the lover of my soul. The only One worthy of all trust and faith and love is You. Jesus please forgive me again for my doubt reflected in my action. Okay so can we go back to the hill? You grab my hand and we are there. Instead of sitting down though we start walking down the hill... really? You smile down at me. You know Jesus, I had a thought today... I think I glimpsed slightly what Moses was feeling or thinking when You told him You wouldn't be going with him (them) anymore. And how it became "then we aren't going..." For him to go from meeting with You face to face as a friend to "... go on ahead without Me..." Wow, no way... I think I get that heart refusal. That would be like ripping out my heart and life; everything and expecting to go on. No wonder You called him friend I want to so trust You. That whether You tell me details, whether You ask me to go through trial or pain or whatever I will refuse to live outside of being right beside You. Wow I like to ramble eh? Hmmm. That's more that okay. Wow You would say that. You really love me... You enjoy me... wow. So is this place me getting into the water? Yes. Ahhh, I like that. You know as soon as Brad read that part in Revelation where there was water ... it brought tears up. You immediately took me to that prophetic word from Deb and I knew that You invited me to come into the water... to come into You. It is so humbling and so what I desire... with every fiber of my being. So I am here beside You and I am wanting this now. Do we get to go exactly where You want us as a family? Yes. Whew... I cannot tell You what a deep relief this is for my ears to hear. So is all this waiting to hear and see a part of me learning to enter the water too? Yes. Hmmm. It's awfully beautiful here Jesus... this last weekend You taught me another paradign shift but strangely without the emotion I have felt with the other shifts. I think I am just starting to realize that it is hugely powerful and necessary to where You are wanting us to be. That humbles me again. I want it too Jesus, I want it too.
Can we stop here for a moment? You nod and we sit. I look back up the hill and it shows me something ... it was very safe up there. I know You know what I mean by that. My chest is actually tightening. You are so very gentle. Jesus I don't want to even be treading water in the deepest part... I want to be IN (the water) You; right in. Holy, Holy, Holy, You are my God forever and always. Anything You ask I want to do. So how fast do we go? Wow there it goes again ... that tightening... is it Your presence or call? Or is it my fear? It doesn't make sense that it is fear does it? No. You have to cling with Your faith filled eyes to truth, to who You know I am and knowing that I KNOW you. Yes. Oh I get it... I will be able to let You be You for my family; I will let You be You for my friends, my heart friendships. Things don't depend on me... and knowing You frees that all up in me. I am not responsible I can let that rest in You. I can watch and wait and listen and be so delighted when I am asked to join in. but it is on You not me. And that likewise takes my eyes off myself for focus at all really, because I become consumed with You in all things.
I need to be held by you Jesus. We lay down and You snuggle me, holding me with Your arms... Your head by mine. You whisper so quietly in my ear... Shhh, shhh, shhh... I will forever hold you. Shhh, shhh, shhh... we are really together and I love you... my beloved. You stroke my hair and gently touch my face ... my tears cannot help but slip down my face You really are the sum of all my desires. My eyes are closed but I know night has fallen, I feel it. I open my eyes to see so many stars twinkling and playing in the night sky.. it takes me back to that distinct feeling of them being a blanket; like the world was literally being wrapped up in them. You felt very near in that moment. I realize I don't even need a fire here... You are that for me. The sky is so dazzling that this is one of those nights that there are actually shadows on the ground. We roll onto our backs my head still on Your arm and we just lay there gazing up at the heavens. After a time of quietness. .. I turn my head to look at You. I study You. You are still looking up and I see so much in each movement of Your face, Your expressions. When You turn and return my look there is that instant intensity that requires no words... it becomes an exchange between our hearts. OH... to remain here for the rest of eternity... Holy God never let me leave You ... please let me remain here forever.
I know we are walking again because I came to another thought ... You would hold everyone of Your beloved(s) so closely and intimately ... when I look into the eyes of another.. I am looking at Your Beloved and I should be moved due this. It becomes an honor again doesn't it.. to interact, to share, to connect, most of all to love. Hmmm.
We are near the stream... no it's a river. We are back aways from it but we sit here because we see the moon and stars reflecting off it's surface as we listen to it's music. What is it saying? Really? We are now floating in the river itself ... I no longer see You but I know You. I have no sense of temperature I am on my back and am bobbing along going headfirst down the river. Can I? You laugh loudly and so full of delight so I just sink in... I keep my eyes open and turn over onto my stomach... I feel such a freedom that I whoop with it... It's kind of like flying in my dreams I swim all over... deeper and side to side rolling, spinning, playing... it is just like I thought ... I knew I'd be able to breathe! Oh this is really good. Oh my Jesus, my Jesus, there are no words... :) "Whoever serves Me, follows Me so that wherever I am there my servant will be also... Whoever serves Me, My Father honors. "

Journal entry Sept. 10, 2009...
So here goes... some curious facts today... I couldn't find my mp3 new testament so while working in the shop I was wondering if in fact You just wanted to talk? I'm afraid my listening ears aren't very good yet but You'll get me there. :) Was I just to hear that You wanted my attention? If so thank You for helping me sense that. (You delight me) While I am here using my fingers is there anything You want to say? Hmmm. Those words You gave my cousin for me were so wild. Thank You Jesus. Thinking about them, is there anything else You are saying with them? Is there more? It kind of feels like You are affirming where I am but that it is going to evolve into more ... now that changes have taken place within and still are... hmmm. While on the 'not sure' topic... I want to thank You for the excitement or what would be a better word... adventure? in taking on someone else's pain. I don't know to what extent You had this play out but it doesn't really matter. In it You have taught me to love at the presence of pain. Whenever You had my back hurt, I mostly (opps, sorry for the slip last night) related it to instant prayer for that person. And not the name dropping prayer but the heart cry, set them free and heal them prayer. So whether or not I actually took any pain on behalf of this person, a great blessing has been bestowed upon me in the midst of it all. A long time ago now, I thought I heard You ask me to do this and I just didn't know where to go with it and when I did try to explain it to someone else... it was not received well. But really, I figure, if You ask something of me... You will also help me do it in the strength and purpose of Your Spirit. It gives a new meaning to suffer for another and have nothing but joy to do it. I guess with my slip up last night in worrying about myself instead of praying and then worrying about getting my work done if... I unconsciously have tested a wee bit that when it is left in Your hands and purposes I wasn't plagued at all with selfish thoughts or worries and I only was grateful to be called to pray. Wild really when I look back. Wow, You really are cool. And You know... in listening to Your life in the gospels You did stuff over and over that others just didn't get. You kept healing on the Sabbath.. oh the frustration to the established ways ...lol... and really in this we can humanly reason out alot but like some of Your acts, perhaps this is just one of those things that isn't a way to be set up and followed in 'these circumstances' but that You are God; You are unlimited and You are as more wildly diverse than the grains of sand on the shores of the sea. Why not follow Your Spirit and be free to heal, to love, to connect in whatever way You ask of us? In these wildly unknown ways You do not seem to leave us wondering if it is You. I think, although there is often a complete lack of reason or understanding of why or future results, it comes with a soul knowing somehow. Hmmm that reminds me of the place in the city. Where would that be in my journals Jesus?

Here is a flashback ...it is in March...

Hey Jesus I am back. Thanks. So back to where I was before. I have some wonderings that I don't even really have the words for. While reading I flashed to Your words about my friends not having much time. Strange or not I wondered for the first time if it was necessarily their time that was short. But perhaps mine? Or mine with them? Or mine here? That got me to thinking or wondering if how sometimes Your words mean one thing at one time and then as You open our eyes it actually reveals much more to Your words and messages. Jesus I want to hear from You and be with You so badly. Can we meet? I really really want to... does that also mean that I need to? I guess not always eh? Where could we meet? Why not in our city? Really? I would love to!!! I have been anxious about getting back there! As we walk down the street I already know what we are going to see... neat... it's a new shop. We walk side by side, my hand in Yours and I can hardly contain myself (what a kid I am) I jump in front of You and reach up to hug You tightly. "Thank You" I whisper into Your ear... then I cannot contain the laughter that bubbles up inside!!! Where is it? Is it by the music shop that spills into the street? I think it is. We come up to the shop and I look inside knowing that it is a place that delights the deepest part of our knowing... it's a place of revelation. Oh this is just too amazing. There is no door... the shop front opens up like the music store but it very much seems to have boundaries. You know when you are in but to come in and out doesn't feel like a barrier ... it's very welcoming in this way... kind of like embracing you when you are in but releasing you too with a type of blessing when you leave. Hmmmm. The place keeps shifting so it is very hard to describe ...it's more of a soul knowing place... not a eye and mind comprehending place. For instance.. for a moment it is dark and solemn but then the art work on the walls are the kinds of pictures that you fall into because you experience what is being depicted ... then there are words everywhere. Beautiful, beautiful words... soft, bold, overlapping, light gray to black... it feels good to be here and there aren't any requirements to being here either...because You delight in people coming here. You are everywhere aren't You. I think You are at the back of the store and there is a small pot light shining down on You. You are in a comfortable discussing chair and there is another one, empty, beside You. I cannnot smile any bigger as I know I get to sit there. We scoot the chairs as close as we can cause You know I want to touch while we talk. Knees to knees we sit, just looking at one another. I reach up and touch Your face and You smile then reach out with both of Yours and hold my face in Your hands. There is nothing saying it's time to stop there is no barrier that disallows anything cause You are... You are everything... desire, thought, love, wisdom, softness, Majesty, passion; You are the completeness of all of me and my world. Just being here is telling my soul soft songs of who I am and who You are. I am soaking it all up. We hold each other's hands and just laugh ... oh... this is the laughter that you can't get enough of. It's the kind of laughter that You can't get out enough of it either! It is contagious and pure. I can't stay in my chair anymore. I sit with You... curling comfortably up in Your lap. And we just sit and watch the room as it shifts; light and color play and it highlights something different each time. There are some things, Tam, that you just need to watch and note. There are some things that for a season don't need to be asked about cause it's okay just to witness and soak it up till the new season requires the download and understanding and revelation of what you have seen. Of what, strangely, I have already whispered to you and you didn't realize. Right I'm okay with that. I really am okay with whatever You require (that my mind can comprehend) and this time says that to me. Wow do I love You Jesus. I know.. I love you Tam.

Hello dear Reader... it has been so long since I have shared but there has been so much that has been going on within (thanks, Jesus... for never leaving me) So I am going to post something from a while ago in my journals... eventually more will come out I'm sure and add depth to this but for now here goes...

Jesus here I am. :) I absolutely know I need sleep and should already be in bed but I just had to come to You. Oh my Jesus I love You so deeply , so much , so with all that I am that I just had to write to You and tell You. You make my heart so full and aching for You. I NEED YOU. After watching the movie tonight I feel like it would be so delightful to write a story. I feel that if I did You would make it meaningful... in a deep way. In a way I never would be able to, of course. You excite me Jesus , You excite me.

Oh my Holy God, I must run with You even for this moment before I lay down. I close my eyes and what do I see? I see a field that is not tame. I see edges of forests and roads that are closer to paths... I see that it is already a dim evening light... that will soon make things tricky to see clearly. I think we are actually on the west side of the city. As I gaze out however, my feet are still on the street. I can't turn around at all... nor do I want to, cause it is about You and me going forward... I only see myself but I feel and know You are with me. I take off hard and fast as I can running into the grass and into the wind that has just picked up. With fierce determination I work and run and keep on. It is raining and I care not... I keep going. I go into the trees and running becomes alot easier as I am on the dirt path that is leading into the darker woods. The trees are getting larger and closer together as I go... yet strangely there is a light and I know it is You. But I can't figure it out cause it is going ahead of me... while I still feel You behind me. Hmmm. I again have no desire to look really from side to side but keep on pushing forward... running faster and easier, even though my breathing is harder. My throat is starting to burn a bit but I don't care.
I come to a place that is calm and warm and while it seems dusky in light , it is a warm light. I slow to a walk and wonder what this is. There is water... a pool of it just off to the right and there is a fire flickering and snapping fairly close to the water's edge... I draw close to the fire and pool running my fingers along the trunk of a downed tree... the bark is damp and rough. I come close enough to the fire to feel it's heat and am suddenly flooded with the knowledge that You have put it here just because You love me and You are saying that with it. LOL. You are so loving and unfathomably generous.. You know I used to always ask for protection , comfort and.... warmth when me met... hmmm. My eyes however, cannot be drawn away from the water or what's beyond it. I look intently and I see ... it is You across the pool.. it's really YOU! Why is the water between us Jesus? Right away I am filled with that awe that renders me in a state of worship and love and overwhelmedness at being in Your presence but right behind it is a panic that there is this pool between us... it scares me. Jesus do I need to be afraid? Think through it... ok I CAN SEE You. You have placed a fire beside me that I know is You loving me. I was running to You alone... due You alone... You were my sole desire and I didn't look away. I felt You while I ran and although I can see You now, the stronger thing is feeling You... literally with the heat of the flames. Is it less than My arms you are used to? In a way no. Cause as soon as I felt the heat I was very touched within my soul and filled to overflowing with Your presence and awe of You. Is this a message about the future? Or is it for now? Both. You have learned a deeper lesson from the horses than You realized. You asked Me just to be Me when we went riding, just You and I.... not letting your fears put Me in any box that You did so unconsciously that you didn't see it at first. But not only that you asked Me to be bigger than you could understand and you just trusted that. This is like a furthering of that... you are accustom to how we have been meeting and yet you hang onto a desire for more. Not to be limited by writing... to find Me in a fuller, freer way that isn't limited by what you know and have experienced. I am saying that this is exciting but for you... you will feel fear when you don't 'see' Me like you are used to but like the fire is saying I am still touching you! And I will let you 'see' Me when it is needed but run after more! Pursue it! Pursue and hunger with all you are... it is My Spirit bringing that up within you. I love you Tam... I want you too! Run to Me! Run into the unknown of Me! This is a delight to Me... this is love.

I just really want to be with You. Could we meet? Where would we meet Jesus? Actually I would love to ask You about the man. A friend had some wonderings about this man. You and I have talked over it a bit now and although I still remain not knowing who this is I am okay with that.
Nevertheless I am so glad it was brought up for this is one of those things that I haven't learned yet... how to followup on moments You give me. This also brought to my mind the first time that You asked me to pray for someone... that I had no clue who he was... and although when I realized that; it totally freaked me out, at the end of it I was so very honored. I couldn't explain the depth I felt, of how significant it was cause I knew I didn't understand it fully... but I did share it with a few and I was so full of thankfulness that I 'just obeyed' and followed Your leading, and was allowed this opportunity... and it was such as honor as I said before.
So I want to ask again... how is he?
Sitting on the rock outside the village, I see the man and he isn't inside all alone and hidden... he is working outside his hut. He is very involved and doesn't see us, he is working around the beauty that he sees in Your creation... the small plants and flowers taking care to use what he sees to show off what You quietly put there to bless the one that takes the time to see it. He has even fashioned a walk up to his front door. It is becoming a most inviting place... even now while he works industriously but in such peace his door sits slightly ajar. He is awaiting You isn't he? I look at You and as You smile down into my eyes I see such a look of delight and anticipation of each moment You get to spend with him. Oh the joy bubbling out of Your heart for him! That he not only is getting You and wanting to meet with You but that he is working out of the overflow of what You are growing in him... he is living in anticipation and desire of these times with You that he cannot help but show it through what he does both to ready for the next time and in processing what You leave with him each meeting ... the time when change is turning and rolling and becoming within. That open door is more significant than I first realized isn't it? He wants You more than the regular visits... he wants to be surprised by You and how better to receive this blessing than to leave the door open ... awaiting and ready. A thought just came to me... that this isn't me I thought... does he have sandals on? And that took me back to the river. The time when I wasn't hearing what You were speaking and putting within him. A change happened to him in these moments and I think that noticing that his feet were now in sandals signalled that to me ... it was such a blaring and clear but seemingly random thing to notice but now I think it was telling me that something had taken place. A significant life changing thing. Hmmmm. But he isn't wearing them right now... he is barefoot. He loves to feel the rich forest earth beneath his feet as he works and digs it up and clears away. It is cool and the scent of the earth , so full of life and as a source for growth , never seems to slip by him unnoticed. It, at times, wafts up almost intoxicating. Bringing to his mind You... and time with You. It isn't hard and packed but is almost soft and spongy beneath his steps. Where are his sandals Jesus? They are inside hanging on a hook by the door. (laugh) I bet you wonder where his goes. LOL yes! Now that You mention it... wow.. as soon as You said it I saw him on rock and up very high... a journey not taken with ease. It is a long and hot and dry journey with little to ease it but it affords such beauty in the surroundings, in the view. Wow this is the man who sat all alone in his hut... hiding and dying in his wounds of brokenness and pain. Sitting in the dark. Who was he going to see on this journey? Was it someone? I didn't tell him when I sent him out... I am teaching him to see.... Me. Hmmmmm. Will I get the honor of praying for him again... I wonder? I wonder now also about the rest of the village. Who else is out there? But this time is done for now isn't it? I feel that and I guess I want to end this with asking for myself that You would help me process this myself and learn and see and hear. Prepare my heart Jesus for what is next. I love You Jesus. I look up into Your eyes again and can't wait to return. LOL.