stepping off into the unknown with Jesus

2012-02-02T08:23:00.000-08:00

Aug 13/11 journal excerpts...

   Hey Jesus it may have taken me a long time to get here this week but I am here. Really here. There have been a lot of messages this week. Love. How we love. The differences in love. Being vulnerable. The risk of being misunderstood and does it really matter? The difference between hanging hell over someone as compared to being motivated completely out of love. And You. Wanting to walk in a room and be like You... connecting and loving as many as I am able. Not caring about what is coming my way but instead how much love I can give away.
...

   I wanted to watch this movie one more time and meet you in it's message but I am too distracted to watch because I need You first.
   I can type a brave journal and declare all I ever want and need is You, even if it means I never taste the comforts I want or the love I desire from those who drift in and out of my life. That if, everything was taken away from me... that I will stand in the midst of trial willing to go through whatever You allow as long as You are right next to me but I know I am much weaker than my heart now wants to declare me to be. I know how, when the heartbreaking happens, I whisper my despair under my breath to You... wanting to not be here anymore ... how my life is more hated than loved. I am weak. So I wonder as I sit here in the dark, what of that.

   I want to see You Jesus...
We sit across from each other on white sand. As far as the eye can see there is nothing but the ever reaching white with no breaks in shape or color ... even the horizon melds into the sky. Our surroundings, however, don't hold my attention long instead my eyes return to Your face searching and wondering what You want to say to me. Aching to hear. What is the relationship between brokenness and love? Can we love without brokenness? How can we receive without first giving up? How can we give up without seeing? How can we see without cause to look? Two ways come that cause us to see... our own mistakes and failures force us to see... and seeing You for who You are - Your light, Your love causes us to fall on our faces humbled. So Your love breaks us and Your truth breaks us.
   Jesus help me be still and hear.

2012-02-01T08:58:00.000-08:00

Journal excerpts from Aug 4/11...

   Jesus a lot of things feel crazy right now and yet I do feel planted in You... even though I can feel my footing being eroded as I am close to wanting to 'fix' things. So I need to hear from You obviously.

What do I need to hear right now?
What if it isn't about you? What would be your role then?
Well to love.... to be who You ask me to be...
Even if you not only don't get anything back? Or get even less?
Sure cause it is not... about me being supported or even liked...   But I am responsible to be consistent... despite the fall out cause that would be close to being like You. Hurt or wounding comes out of making it about me and my feelings and wants... then comes the reaction out of feelings or guilt or people pleasing. That doesn't work at all. So what if it is about me even a little lol.
You don't have to worry then do you? Because who is about you? and I mean all about you to the very last detail?
You.
I AM the only One who can do that job the right way the best way the most loving way ... trust Me.
I do. Can I hold onto You for a while?

   You smile as You pull me in, You doing more of the holding than me... I don't want my sadness to build up Jesus. I don't want my regret or failure to make footholds. I can see that I need to be in Your arms alot to really learn and apply this lesson. My chest aches when things are off relationally... it always has. and it makes me angry inside and it comes out on my family. Angry cause it's not fair. Wow, that sounds familiar. But I don't have to hold that anger cause that's Your job to handle all that... I gave up my rights and myself to You, for You to be about me... not me. So I will give You all my tears too. Could You please keep holding me tonight otherwise I will be so useless. Hey Holy Spirit... I need You to pour into my soul till it washes out my inner battle... till I see with Your eyes... till I think and feel with Your love saturating everything. Help me love You tonight with all that I am. Please. I am holding on ... I am right here ... go ahead and get ready.

2012-01-31T17:30:00.000-08:00

July 28/11... journal entry...

I have no idea what to write or where to meet so please guide this time. When Brad suggested that the city is my heart something kind of clicked. Huh... so why am I surprised when more of the city shows up? And really, what of the people I pray for that I don't know? A couple of thoughts. I am okay with obeying and following Your lead even when I have no clue. What if there is a twofold purpose for praying? What if in watching You minister to the hurt and broken You reveal Yourself to me and heal what is inside me too?

What if we had a bench by the river's edge? Two different kinds of meeting wouldn't it be? On the edge of a cliff and by the water ... both asking me to step into the unknown but one feels like more of obedience and following while the other is into You.

Dearest Reader... In case you are just joining me, I first explained the significance of what water has come to mean to me in a post November 15/09.

2012-01-24T09:50:00.000-08:00

Journal excerpts...July 12/11

   Morning Jesus I never did get back to the computer yesterday. I just am needing to spend some time with You ...

   So we are walking along the roof lines and setting down candles some of them are inside of glass candle holders, some are in regular jars, while others are in nothing. I believe this is for the girl. I am following You.
   We then, go into the building we have spent the last few days in and run down the very dark stairwell. You give the door a big push and we spill out into the bright sunlight on the street. We are laughing and enjoying everything. You grab my hand and lead me between two building ... like always there is nothing but the buildings themselves ... no dirt or rocks, no garbage or anything in the alley. We come out of the alley and run across another street into the next alley ... wow! I had no idea there was another street yet! We are headed north. When we emerge again we are at the bottom of the green, there is a soft grass and dirt road that is winding it's way west which then curves into the trees.
   I am a little *scared inside, and I will explain this later, so I jump up on Your back to enter into where You are taking me. You are not in the least bothered, of course, and saunter with an easy stride towards the bend and the trees. I put my head down on my arm on Your shoulder... lol trying to get even closer to You. As we start the turn I see a sea of green. The trees now on both sides of the road are able to reach their branches over towards one another creating such a beautiful mottled canopy of light and green playing with one another in the breeze.  My friend I have been praying for is nearby isn't she? Umhmm. I jump down and You hold my hand as we continue on. I am so dazzled by the beauty that I forget to breathe in the rich heady scent of what surrounds us. I hear water and You stop me. I cannot see where the path is going now but we aren't following it anymore. We enter the trees and brush and instantly it feels like we are in another world. Everything changes... light, perspective, sound, smell it's so amazing but we are not in here long ... as we walked, it was as if a path just revealed itself as we walked forward. Just as suddenly we enter a clearing with the most beautiful pool and the rocks that are on the one side to a ledge higher up is the source of the pool's water. It isn't a rushing waterfall but a quiet and constant one. The water trickles and falls and moves with soft voices all the way down to the pool. There you are my friend... in the sun, eyes closed in a very deep rest. I look at where we have come from and am not surprised, really, to see a very worn path that without a doubt Your feet know well. I walk a little closer to the water's edge and sit on a low flat rock. You move close to her and sit alongside her. You gently take her hand and I see her automatically shift closer... laying her head against the front of Your shoulder.
   Like I have seen so many times before, Your lips are moving as You speak right to her heart and soul, I hear nothing but know they will hit their mark. In the reverence of the moment I bow on my knees and let my heart swell with all that is within ... my devotion, my love, my awe, my all. Holy, Holy, Holy, let not one Word fall to the ground ever... so surround her with Your protective hands that the ministry and healing that happens here will never leave her but leave her changed forever. Holy, Holy, Holy, let Your very presence literally soak in and saturate her... oh that she would know such a depth of freedom in You. Holy, Holy, Holy.

*dearest Reader I will now explain my fear. Even after all the times I have met with Jesus there are moments that I know without a doubt a place is not a result of my imagination at all... in those moments I become afraid. Jesus is taking me somewhere I didn't see coming or cannot even fathom or dream up what could be behind that door or around that corner. In these moments in my utter lack of control besides the decision of going forward or not; I am at His mercy and all the insecurities swell up and I fear ... who am I? what if I can't handle it? what if I don't see? You know what? God can feel scary. He is huge and beyond my comprehension. And yes I know who I am in Jesus but I also know who I am and that, my friend, is cause for great fear when in the presence of Him.

2012-01-21T07:37:00.000-08:00

July 10/11... journal entry.

   How is she this morning Jesus?

   I don't see her at the window but both our windows have remained open all night. The morning air is brisk but is laced with morning blossoms and newness. I breathe in deep as I scan the buildings and the streets for her. But inside I know she is still in the room, hopefully, curled up sleeping. My mind wants to bound and skip ahead but I reign it in, lol, and look up at You. You are standing beside the window now. I look around the room we are in and interestingly there are only 2 pieces of furniture, a couch and a huge comfy arm chair. There are a few candles here and there that have obviously been burned almost to the end. A blanket lays recklessly off the end of the couch and really that is all. As our eyes meet I see that gleam and it makes me smile I can't wait to hear what You are thinking.
   I know this may seem odd to ask and I really think I'll understand both ways but am I allowed a hug when we are here for her? I mean I am in Your presence which is an unimaginable and rich a gift as anything... huh... it makes me think of the prodigal son's brother. He didn't even see the blessing of his life lived and working alongside his father. His blessing was so far reaching and all he'd ever really known that he didn't even see it anymore and literally begrudged his brother's return and susequent acceptance ... and even though his brother was restored to his father the issues and consequences of his life would still have to be worked through and dealt with. That also makes me think of the woman who wept and kissed Your feet wiping them with her hair and You asking who would love You more, the one whom had many sins forgiven or just a few ... perhaps it is the now fervored love of one restored that reignites the one that has remained in Your bosom ... challenging us to open our eyes anew and really see what is happening, where we are existing, whose home we live in.

2012-01-20T08:07:00.000-08:00

July 9/11... journal entry.

   Morning Jesus so I heard through the grapevine that You were talking about me :) Love You too. In fact I am actually feeling that welling up inside and I can't describe just how much I love that and want to thank You for it! (Learning lesson slowly hehehe) I guess I really just wanted to start this day out looking at You.

   We are sitting on the ledge of an open window, the kind where they whole window opens up like doors... the light drapes are billowing silently into the room behind us. There is a walkway outside kind of like a fire escape wrought iron railing and only the width of a couple of people. I sit with my knees drawn up and my arms wrapped around them my back against the window frame I sometimes look out and around but then always come back to You. You have this air of comfort where ever You are. There is never doubt or worry to be read in Your face or body language... just an assured contentedness and control. You make me feel so safe. Now that I am thinking about it You say so very much without words... I just need to pay attention.... keep my eyes on You.

    Most of the day has past now since I wrote that but I would love to return even for a few moments. I believe I know where we are Jesus. I think we are on the upper floor of the building we came into and had that meeting with all those others. That seems so long ago. This window faces north and it seems from the view that the ground gradually rises as it heads north which eventually leads to the hill top with the fountain and pool. The row of buildings across the street are a variety of heights... of some I can see the roof tops others only a row of blank windows stare back at me. This city is quite something for nothing is here that doesn't have meaning.
   This has many times been a place where we have met with others... is there someone with us now? I see You raise Your arm and point across the street to a window similar to ours. Funny how I never saw her before but she sits almost hidden in the shadows at the edges. Her eyes don't look up she looks very alone and at the moment, kind of lost... in what I can only presume is a swirl of negative thoughts and emotion. I glance up to Your face to see what You are saying or thinking. I see a wistful longing cross Your face as You turn to look into my face. I also see Your mouth turn up into a half smile and although there is a sadness touching Your eyes I also see an eternal determination, a resolute calm. She sinks a little lower now laying her head on her crossed arms facing the opposite direction. You close Your eyes now and so softly I hear You begin to sing. A melody so pure and sweet that resonates with love so thick it would drip like honey off the notes. I move closer to You and then, I too, close my eyes feeling the music. You sing. With reverence of this Holy moment I reach out tentatively till my fingertips touch Your clothing. I let my heart and soul reach out to join Your music and I add what harmony I can more as a response than an addition but it comes from Your Spirit within me without a doubt. I have no idea what she hears but something is carried along with the breeze I am sure. A scent of night flowers drifts down from somewhere and I smell it come and go on the occasional breeze. The sun starts to sink which casts the stark contrast of a bright sun against the growing navy and purple bruising of shadows. The light becomes so warm in color as it dances and changes so fast in the west. It's touch so gentle and quick but with a power that changes the color of the buildings, streets and everything in it's path.

2012-01-19T10:11:00.000-08:00

journal entry...July 7/11

   This word pad is Yours and mine inbox I figure. Well I could use more than a message after my errant ways lately. Jesus I love You crazy much. I also figure that You know where I am so my prayer is please help me find You.

   I run up behind you two and already You are on Your feet coming towards me with Your arms outstretched to swoop me up. I hold on tight with a grip that resonates with a touch of hysteria and desperation. It's been so long Jesus is all I can mumble out between my tears. Then as quick as the words come out we are still and You are holding my face in Your hands...I was always here Tam You just weren't listening or looking or reaching out and even though all You see, for the most part, is the pain and frustration of these times, I see the bigger picture and plan and although the road isn't always desired it is what it is. What do You choose to do with all that happens? What do You allow to speak to you? Teach you? What turns into conviction and desire? What pushes you way out into the unknown and far away for comfortableness? I ache each moment you don't look at Me and you know why that is... because of the way I love You. I feel deep jealousy for you ... I can't see through my tears anymore so I close my eyes and feel Your finger brush away my tears. You pull me back in for a hug and hold me. After a bit I hear You chuckle and I cannot help but respond in the same way.

   So what is with the stack of sheets? What is it that I already know? What was familiar about this go around? Well it smacked of my lent lesson for sure, my absolute lack of ability to do what I wanted to do or what I knew I should be doing. Which equates essentially to my complete dependence on You. Now I would ask why the same lesson again... but I think it must be a further learning to exist knowing this so that it becomes one of those foundational things that is firmly established in where You are taking me or steering me? Or better put so I remember I am not in control You are. Lol to exist in reality not illusion.

2012-01-17T08:23:00.000-08:00

Journal entry...June 15/11

   Jesus I have a sick feeling in my stomach and I don't know why. What am I so unsure of? Or afraid of? My day is essentially mapped out... wow this is unsettling. Hmmm.

   I feel You come up behind me and hold onto me. We stand here looking out over the edge. Oh wow I know where we are! I have missed coming here so much, in some ways almost afraid of what I am missing by not being here with You.
   I soak up the fact that You are here with me... I realized earlier today that I am continually learning that I need to let You be God no matter what that means... whether it means a difference in revelation and meeting, going through whatever trial whether I know the reason or not even if it is for myself or another. But then I wondered if my desire to meet You this way is me trying to control You? Really? And in the light of the past months what do you really think?
Lol... that I am so far from control and I feel a desperately deep amount of relief and gratitude when You allow us to meet so intimately.
   Your arms fall away as You come alongside me. I join You as we sit side by side on the edge of this .... what is it really? A canyon? A valley? A cliff? The sheer drop suggests canyon but everything is carpeted in such beauty. Rolling greens in innumerable shades framing the rambling river at the bottom. I know the majesty of the trees here as we have been through here before but from here they are so small the tops shifting in the breeze moved by Your unseen hand.
It's beautiful.
Yeah it is. We spend alot of time on edges and cliffs lol. Is it because when I am beside You they are just so beautiful and full of purpose and delight? All that unknown I am not yet touching but You are inviting me into? You make me brave. Your head tilts back as You laugh aloud.
And do you know what is cool about that... alot of your bravery is blind. Yes, you are getting to know Me more and more but you take leaps off just trusting that I am in it.
And yet the more I learn about You the more I realize how little I have trusted in You and it is crazy and maddening... sorry Jesus. You touch my face tenderly looking deep into my eyes, holding my gaze for a long time.

2012-01-15T19:38:00.000-08:00

June 13/11 Journal entry, number two

I don't know Jesus.

I have lost and gained ... lost again and gained even more.

   When I look at my road I think one of my biggest gains is the freedom You have given me in Your Spirit. The hurt I carried for so many years I am coming to believe is actually gone. Not gone in the sense it didn't happen nor that I don't remember how it felt... but the need to be heard and for them to understand and feel remorse. I am free from that I believe. How? Cause it is what it is. You are God... I am not... nor are they.
   When I want to be heard and understood, when I want to be loved perfectly... I come to You. When I need acceptance and approval it is Yours I want. I cannot love You Jesus if I do not forgive and let go of putting that expectation of perfection on those in my life.
   I have a chance to love all those in my life for this time here. Some are easy, some not. Some are accepted and liked by alot of others while others are rejected... it is tough when some of those rejecting are within the body but even those that are not hold weight and sway. But here is what my heart is saying... so what? I have anywhere from a day to 30 plus years left to live... why not make it my mission to love as many as I possibly can within my time here. Accepting all reprecussions and results for what they are ... I know You can enable me to love regardless. Regardless of even my own hurt. I know You can help me see people as they are... beautiful in the face of imperfection, remarkable in their diversities, as treasured and loved by You. I don't need to put anything on the people in my life. They don't need to be You, You'll do that. Because I don't need to be about me... other's don't have to either. Now there's a freeing thought and it makes me laugh deep inside somewhere.

2012-01-15T14:38:00.000-08:00

June13/11 Journal.

   Feeling a little lost this morning... I just need to put one foot in front of the other. Last night when I was trying to go to sleep I couldn't get that line out of my head... 'He is jealous for me'... I thought about what that meant.

   We laid in the boat, out on the ocean, rocking with the waves at the mercy of the tide and the wind. I closed my eyes to think and sing and sleep. You let me rest my head on Your chest. I thought about Glenn's statement about Mary reaching out to touch Your feet.  How that was a sign displaying 'You are my master, I am Your servant' and I thought of the times I too have reached out to touch Your feet. That desperate longing to never be out of Your presence, the 'if only' I could hold onto the hem of Your clothing. And You reach out Your hand.... to Mary... to me. It's hard to believe we can even function in the realization and awe of who You are and what You do ... the mercy You extend, the grace, the love.
   And the small rowboat bobbed along. It's white coat fading and peeling from hours in the salty sea and being at the mercy of the wind and sun. Although not much to look at, it's steadfastness is evident in it's sturdy and uncompromised shape. It takes on whatever wave and gale come with it's ever present nod, needing only to be turned into the waves and wind by the hand of the captain.
   As the dawn broke open in newness of day, dripping with color, I awoke. My Jesus still there waiting with laughing eyes as my thoughts scrambled to take it all in. I sat up to face Him and He moved to readjust without the slightest hitch to tell of hours spent motionless and waiting. I slide over and with a soul heavy with awe and thankfulness I bow my head onto His lap and whisper over and over thank You, thank You, my Jesus... my God. In a moment I feel Your hand lifting my face to Yours. I didn't stay here just because I am a good God. Faithful, merciful, loving, compassionate ... I also stayed because I wanted to. I love being with you... I love you. Why wouldn't I want to be with someone as crazy in love with me as you are? Your laughter rings out but the softness in Your eyes melts my heart again. I cannot help but laugh along but it is colored with the awe that Your words leave me reeling in.

2012-01-14T17:07:00.000-08:00

Journal excerpt...June 11/11

It's kinda funny Jesus, sometimes I swear I come in and check my emails hoping that there is one from You. I have had my moments today but here's how I looked at it. I figured if I was going to accept things and people as it is and how they are then I need to do the same of myself. Now not to excuse anything but really what I cannot change or do over I can also let go and say that was a me moment and I can strive to go on and do better from there.

So how has Your day been? Want to hang out with me for a while...

2012-01-13T08:31:00.000-08:00

June 10/11... Journal entry

   Morning Jesus I feel the anticipation of meeting You this morning and I love it. Thank You for last night and even though I got only a little sleep it was good to talk out my real heart for You to express to You how deeply I feel and what I know is true.

   Last night as You stroked my hair, while I wept out my love for You, I was brought back to that roof top in our city where at different times I've laid down my head on Your lap and cried out my hurt, my loneliness. However, last night, I thought I cannot even grasp Your compassion that You would comfort me while I cry for myself. Through experiences that were necessary for me to go through and not only that but good for me to go through for how else do we really die? But see and mourn ... eventually releasing and dying... only to then receive Your perspective, Your hope, Your purpose or in the absence of that just to know how close we really were at that moment.

   Last night You also brought to mind three moments in my life. The first time was one afternoon sitting at my kitchen table, looking out the window at the clouds beyond thinking... You could come back right now and that would be (more than) okay with me. Pretty much everything surrounding me at that time were in shreds and pieces. It was around that kitchen table moment that I began to write and I haven't stopped since... spilling out my heart and hurt, my desire and passion to You line after line... from book to book then screen after screen.
   The next moment you helped me remember was during a family vacation to Yellowstone National Park. One night I had a dream ... curiously after all these years I remember it with startling clarity. There was a line up of people anxious to get through a door, several of my family were in it I particularly remember my mom. Suddenly I was inside and it was a church. We were on pews, I was quite far in from the aisle and my father sat beside me. And then You came Jesus... and from all those that surrounded me it was me you were looking at and You came with Your arm outstretched... asking for my hand. You were choosing me... to marry. I remember a quick and excited exchange between You and my father and that was all.
   The third moment was a few years later lying on the ground, broken, when my horse had reared and flipped on top of me. Even though I was struggling even to breath I remember looking up at the sky and thinking, yup, it happens just like this... death... and I am more than okay with that. As I remembered these moments I got to thinking of the order of them and that Yellowstone was in between these two. There was a difference between these two times but a similarity too... in the first I was broken inside done with myself and so purposefully giving myself, all of me, to You to come take over, rescue, and relieve. In the second I was broken outside but equally ready to give myself completely over to You, to Your plan and Your will even if it meant death. Something very profound came out of my time of (physical) brokenness. I had a chance to love the person I was sharing a room with in the hospital and it was almost entirely with a curtain between us... we talked about the deeper things of life, we talked about Jesus and I remember decidedly thinking afterwards. Jesus, I am more than willing to go through whatever You ask physically to have that honor of loving someone for You.

   I have such a strong pull to keep returning to You today... I've really come for a hug. To hold and be held.

Time is desperately short but I cannot do anything for it. I should go back to work but I keep returning once again to You. I love You Jesus. I think if we were riding our horses just now it would be in the cool of the green forest... dappled light plays as the breeze bends the limbs of the giants that stand as if they are guardians of this path. I hear and smell running water singing nearby adding to the idyllic feel of these surroundings and we travel on. Sometimes at a reckless pace, laughing as the wind tears at our clothes and hair as we hold on to the pull of wild strength surging beneath us and the sound of the hooves hardly heard above the whistling wind. Then at times we walk and trot without order but in circles around one another gradually winding our way along. Most likely for me alone, a sudden hush blankets us as Your hand reaches out and brushes mine. I hear my own heart beat as I hold my breath... You swing Your horse around, holding my gaze then the circle completes itself as You come near and hold my hand. Hmmmm.

2012-01-12T08:41:00.000-08:00

journal excerpts...June 9/11

Hey Jesus... I am craving just silence and You. So after cleaning up a few more chores I figured I'd stop in word wise and see if You wanted to meet or tell me anything.

The picture of the lake last night is still vividly clear. But of course it always looks different in the daylight. It got me wondering about the city. Why haven't we been there for such a long time? Jesus? Hmmm. You are taking in alot and although you feel quite self centered my plan is bigger than what it seems. What walls fall down when your picture of Me is radically fuller? When you allow Me to help you take some of that in... the change it wroughts within you affects everyone you are with too. Hey try this on for size... does the word leadership scare you anymore?
No. Not really . lol. Things seem more complicated right now... like I just can't sort out all that my mind is racing to grapple with and understand.
Yes.. but how cool was it when that one sentence from the sermon rang so clear to you that you actually and audibly went huh. Remember what you go through alot of the time is not about you at all but about Me and what I want to do through you and with you for others and for a bigger picture. Right. And I suppose that I will recognize those moments when they arrive and it will take the 'longevity' of the journey almost completely from memory in light of the gift it becomes whether for myself or completely for another.

I know this next statement (rant) is erroneous but I want to write it down anyways... why does it seem the bigger I comprehend You as, the more complicated it seems. Which in turn makes me drift away somewhat relationally because it seems like more than just us simply being in love with one another. It seems like how can it work simply when You are so much bigger than that? How blind was I? and why did You let us live like that for so long? Was I in error? And if I wasn't and that is a basis for relationship why am I feeling so distant now that You are revealing more instead of feeling closer to You?
I sent this statement to a friend who in turn shared an amazing perspective on it that in alot of ways felt like it was setting me free from the place I thought I had to remain exclusively in to gain a bigger revelation of who God is.

The personal Jesus who you know as intimate friend and lover is one and the same as the Cosmic Christ who sits on the throne of the universe. Your experience of Jesus as husband is much more intimate than it could ever be with Jesus as Lord on the Throne. The two different experiences are necessary revelations for different situations and needs. When you want intimacy, don't bother with Jesus' all powerful place on the universal throne. Meet him in the nuptial chamber. But there is a time to remember he is king ... when the world is falling apart and wicked empires are raging and mountains are shaking. When it feels like life is out of control, remember the look of confidence and competence as he scans our world from his throne.

2012-01-10T07:28:00.000-08:00

Dearest Reader,

I am excited to share this month's of journals with you (I'll be hardpressed to only post one a day). For whatever the reason they seem significant somehow. I hope that you are able to meet with Jesus and I... He just kind of changes your life forever when you hang out with Him.

...June 8/11

Jesus I want to laugh and walk with You.

I want to sit on the shore of a big old lake as the sultry colors of evening fades into the inky darkness that is only punctuated by twinkling pin pricks of light... talking and listening , sharing everything inside with one another. Jesus I want to say Your Name out loud just so I can hear it answered with Your voice. I want to feel the thrill of a touch or the catch of my breath at that look. When an expression can not even come close of what is teetering within on the knife edge of a most messy revelation. The release, escapes in bursts of laughter, cause the only other thing would be tears.

In front of a fire we sit when that lull comes stealing every sound but the snapping of the fire. In moments like these, it's like my soul is desparately trying to catch up with what is happening... in the realization of whose I am I can't seem to string even two words together let alone drag in a breath without feeling the stifling pull of heaviness... the Holy awe sinks deeper with a humbling that cannot be expressed. I close my eyes and feel the warmth of the dancing flames on my face. The breeze has claimed it's night hold on cooler air, heavy with the smell of dew... a renewing. Whenever the flames momentarily disappear the quick fingers of night reach out and touch my skin. And although the fire tries to cocoon me in a world of warmth and light I become more and more aware of what seems to be awakening around me. Even creation around us knows of Your presence and everything is sharper and clearer. The song of the frogs and crickets. The call of the night hawk. The brilliance of the stars and the moon waltzing with the passing clouds proudly casting shadows around us. And underneath it all is the faithful song of the lake lapping upon the rocky shore.... over and over... " Holy and Faithful One, Holy and Faithful One... " And still You sit. With an incomparable, patience You wait for me to gather myself enough to look at You once more. The only thing that pulls me away from Your eyes, is the smile that lights up in response to my look.

2012-01-09T19:47:00.000-08:00

Journal entry...June 1/11

Morning Jesus... not much left of it. So I am at that place where good intentions and the feel of Your hand upon my heart is very heavy and the how question which begs for answers, inspiration and wisdom... time and energy; lest it be swept away with the wind that overwhelms and results in less than nothing ... perhaps even a barrenness that wasn't there before. I see the responsibility of leadership and the gravity of it's weight. And I don't want to fail You, I want to love You by dying and serving, dying and serving, loving with Your love not my own, dying and coming to know You more.

2012-01-09T09:31:00.000-08:00

Journal excerpt... May 18/11

I know I only have a few minutes Jesus but I am again wondering about all the thoughts and lack of emotions that this time has brought me into. Being and feeling passionate is such a deep delight. But that is part of the point, I think, I would go so far as saying it is part of the refining or testing of my faith... not the existence of it but the depth of it.

Let's see, some of the incomplete thoughts are... don't demand of you a comfortable life - value knowing You more. When I don't feel You I am learning that You are still just as much there and that I need to learn to ask better questions... or look at situations from Your perspective. I need to understand what letting go of my own motives really looks like.

2012-01-07T10:57:00.000-08:00

a late night journal entry... May 12/11...

Had a good day Jesus. I really did and I know it is so due to You and Your merciful love and presence.
I am listening to the light patter of rain outside my window that is cracked open. It's You... the waft of rain fresh air coming in the window and the occasional tell tale noise of the vent on the roof ... the unbelievably strong wind of the last two days finally brought something in. It's You. Pretty cool, I can hear the singing chorus of the frogs, wow, do their voices carry. The pond down in the pasture is a far hike from the house.

2012-01-06T09:44:00.000-08:00

Jesus... I want to pursue You.

I want to live each day knowing that I have given all I can for You. Even when this will look like failure when really what I battle is self and what I think I want. I want to know that I fought.

   Jesus sometimes I feel like I am walking alone. In searching You out I find I am on a cliff's edge with only my echo accompanying me. The wind feels a little colder and the rocks that slip, fall down and down, cementing the thought of just how far away I am in place.
   I keep walking along as the mountain on my right rises up in a sheer cliff face ... the heat of the sun is now coming off the rock to the degree that I pull my coat off and wrap it around my waist. The path my feet follow becomes one of no options... as the rock closes in and surrounds me it does so in a hard, unrelenting way. Even to turn around would feel risky... so I don't. I keep looking ahead while feeling the sheer drop on my left and impassible height to my right. Strangely, as the path winds it's way up and down and left and right, it holds a surprise for me ... in the slightest bend to the right I suddenly see ahead a cave just up from the trail. My chest tightens in the briefest of thoughts that You will meet me there. Finally reaching the spot I carefully turn to reach up the wall to grab ahold of anything. Finding a small opening I then find a foothold to help me up.
   Suddenly You have ahold of my hands and pull me so easily up into the cave's opening. I immediately throw my arms around You not even waiting to look into Your eyes to see what You are saying. Jesus. My tears soak into Your shirt as I try to speak out of the jumble of thoughts racing too fast to catch. I just want to love You Jesus and I am scared that when I don't feel my passion for You and don't meet with You that You will think I don't love You... I always want to feel that first love passion for everything about You. The warmth of the sun on my back is nothing compared to the satisfaction and comfort of Your arms holding me. Finally I lean back to look up into Your face and I am met with such a look. It's a good thing You understand me and my thoughts better than I do ... and our soft laughter mixes with the fresh tears of relief that slip down. Without making me feel any release away from Your hold You shift me around to fit just under Your arm so that we are gazing out of the cave together. To take in what is before us I am stunned momentarily. I realize I am holding my breath when I hear Your low chuckle.
   As I slowly exhale I wonder how... before us is the boldness and majesty of enormous boulders yet the fresh green of trees that stubbornly root themselves around and away from the sparkling water that falls with a relentless strength and beauty. Sunlight angles down making the green almost glow against a dark background and catching the spray of the water to reflect and bounce off of everything prisms of light. But I couldn't even hear the water when I was walking... I saw nothing but the bleak, barely changing color of the rock and slate on and beside my narrow path... But you kept of walking ... yes. You didn't know where or when or what... no. It was there even though you didn't feel it ... or see it... or make a move to look for it... yes it was. You sweep me up and settle me onto Your lap as You sit down at the mouth of the cave .... we are bathed in the sun's warmth. As our legs dangle down with the ease of freedom I let Your words sink in. So You know I love You? Yes. But how when I even question myself in the face of the actions or lack thereof? Because I know where you are... I understand where you are... and I see the big picture of the why and what will come out of it. How do You go through what You do for me? How I treat You? and I know that it is multiplied over and over by each one of Your Beloved. I ache for what we put You through. I see what you do not. I know beyond what you grasp. Keep tasting the love with which I love you... and you'll gain an insight only it can give. Jesus this is one of those moments. Perhaps we could stay here for a while?

   I am coming to see something Jesus. I think I hear You. I feel something within that is a determination to love You despite it all... the narrow path may come in many forms and I am sure that I will be blind to differing degrees while walking them but really if what we have had in our relationship was all I would ever get (I know I am crazy to talk like that but I mean experientially) would I or could I continue to love You without reserve for the rest of my life? Yes I think so... where You met me this morning is showing me that despite what I see and feel there is so much more happening. And in the mercy and light of Your love You will continue to meet me even if it is never in the way I expect or think I need.

So I just want to check in with You one more time today it will be a busy rest of the day (what is left lol) but I want to love You so purposefully in it all.

I love You Jesus. I really, really love You.

...journal entry... May 6/11

2012-01-04T06:27:00.000-08:00

Journal entry... May 5/11

So Jesus how are You doing? I haven't been asking that enough in the past days and it feels weird I am sorry. I want to learn and take hold of You and what You have in store for us... I don't want to miss out and take the long hard detour road of self-centeredness if it is not necessary.
There is this peace and rest that seems to be tailing me. I like it alot. It's funny in the respect that it is distinctly separate from me... something that I am experiencing yet know I am not the source of it. Huh.

Besides managing the world and all our souls how are You? I don't want You to feel lonely today so here I am, where ever You are... I want to reach out and take Your hand and follow You around in all the things You are attending to. Yes, I want to go with You everywhere. To love You as You love. I will sit beside You ... I will return Your look with my smile and my love... I will just be present while You minister and take care of Your Beloved. I will sit and listen when we get a chance to be alone or just be quiet with one another... I will love You as best as I can.

2012-01-03T17:36:00.000-08:00

Journal entry...April 26/11

   Okay Jesus now I have a new batch of questions with that lol. Maybe I'll jot a few down...

   Is any one way of experiencing You better than another in light of the variety and complexity with which You created us? Then I go to the recent revelation (again) of... this life is NOT about me it is about You... and although this doesn't negate who I am or that I am of infinite value and loved beyond comprehension by You it is something that sheds a completely different light on life and living. For instance... if life is not about me but about You Your will becomes of paramount importance. Becoming who You want me to be (holy) weighs heavier over my own desires for myself and my life.
   In fact becoming so entangled in relationship with You results in a 'I don't care what happens to me as long as You are seen and honored and known.' And if we are honoring Your call for us to live a servants of one another (washing another's feet lesson) would we not, instead of insisting that everyone follow what we know and experience, soak up as much of You as You enable us to and live this out in every way... giving You the opportunity to literally shine out of our lives and watch and see how You use our 'differences' not to divide us but give us a much fuller and beautiful picture of who You are and how You, in this way, reach out and touch so many more than we can imagine?

2012-01-02T14:58:00.000-08:00

April 17/11
Day 40 of lent

   Hey Jesus amazingly diverse day. I guess all par for the course. Especially of someone wanting more. I could have been content in my 'righteous' anger but I wasn't. That was most uncomfortable. Seeing a much accurate hindsight only minutes after the act was particularly painful. Why not just before than just after.

   I want to jot a bit down about this year's lent to see if it makes sense. This whole walk and the set up to it has been very deep ... solemn in revelation a sharpening of focus of what is and the reality of self and just when I thought I was not coming anywhere familiar anytime soon a rescuing hand pulled me back into an embrace that I hungered for.

   Coming into lent I was submersed in the battle between the echo of my flesh (the craver) and living as a slave to Christ. While I battled I was torn over and again about whether I was being offensive or just being lax in self discipline. (and whether that was wrong) But whether what I did was wrong at all the fact remained that I was not in control. My resolve throughout my life has remained pretty strong and has served me well many times but here it was pathetically weak, dare I say non-existent, most days. This shook me in many ways, my determination, my will was not enough. And so lent began while I felt slowly further and further from my very real and present Jesus. At the end of lent I have come to the decision that however Jesus and my Father want to reveal themselves I am content there regardless of what that looks and feels like. I will surrender my demand for what I know or what I am used to and be content instead not with the comfortable but in the fact that You are still present with me. My motives for my actions and thoughts are being laid bare and I have come to see that You and Your ways are infinitely better (whether I understand them or not) and I am so thankful that I know much more clearer now what decision I am really making. The impact of this revelation has hit me very profoundly.

2012-01-02T10:43:00.000-08:00

April 15/11
Day 38 of lent

Hey Jesus about to head back out to work. Have really been enjoying You in this day help me to stay extremely focused on You tonight please. Not to worry but to react and respond in Your nature, in Holiness. Well, shall we go?

A good work day for sure now I shall try to rescue this house lol... consume my thoughts while I do all these daily things.

2012-01-01T14:04:00.000-08:00

April 14/11
Day 37 of lent

   Morning Jesus, although we only had the briefest of moments last night I am so thankful for it. It is interesting how You have worked everything out for tonight and I appreciate again Your deep thoughtfulness for such minute things. A new day and one where the snow is falling once again. I find it quite comforting. Lol surprise, surprise. Jesus I sure would appreciate You sorting out my thoughts today... help me go in Your direction alone...

   Where were we last night?
Sitting at a big wooden table. It was light all around so we were surrounded I assume by many windows. It felt a bit like the Ford's place but different.

   I have half a cup of hot iced tea and I want to spend these few minutes with You too. What would You like to talk about Jesus? Maybe we could just sit awhile. Yah... that'd be just right.

   And so we sit.

   At first just side by side, we are on our bench but the snow is falling all around us. As we watch the flakes silently drift down You reach over and hold my hand, intertwining Your fingers with mine. I unconsciously respond by resting my head on Your shoulder. Stop worrying. Respond as I lead You. Do as I have taught You but by worrying you are trying to solve and figure it out on your own. Stop it. Did I do anything on my own? No. I shake my head trying to dispel the dregs of all my musing and worry and fretting . Choosing to let the voices fade to the background I look up at You. Your face is very serious but Your eyes are alive with emotion and attention, nothing hidden from Your gaze. And yet I do not desire to look away but want to be seen by You. After a while You gently pull me back towards You, to rest my head once again on Your shoulder. Everything is so quiet I can almost hear the patter of the snowflakes coming to rest wherever the stirring of the wind has chosen for them to go.

2011-12-31T11:01:00.000-08:00

April 12/11
Day 35 of lent part two

I don't know Jesus ... as I was driving home and thinking through what I have been reading and hearing from others, I saw something else. I saw something new in me. A work of Yours and it was done through learning and circumstance (and without question Your presence) taking me around a corner of change. One of desiring Your will over mine, a hunger for Holiness over self and comfort. I don't think it was completely not there before but now it is defined enough that it changed my response within a low empty time. Or perhaps it helped me even have a response in that circumstance.

How was Your day Jesus?
As I sit down at the table I push a milkshake in a tall glass towards You. We sit quietly sipping our drinks looking over them at one another... lost in the moment. You pause and push Your glass a little to the side. Your eyes hold mine as You speak. I am really glad you are here. I cannot smile big enough and my heart feels near to bursting with my love for You... the laughter we share is soft and warm.

2011-12-30T18:54:00.000-08:00

April 12/11
Day 35 of lent

   Hey Jesus I didn't have time to write this morning but now I cannot do anything else but write. Had a great day really but had some stuff to chew on from the chapter in proverbs and ecclesiastics and then the show tonight capped off the huh kind of mood that always leaves me needing You. You know, I don't think I am scared of looking at my own loneliness or emptiness for I know that without You and a complete need of You, that it is all there really is, despite efforts to cover that up. And all sorts of garbage starts showing up out of that kind of existence.

But right now I also know that my mind is having a hard time putting thoughts together in the reality of the existence of a loss so deep it shatters one's world. And that always becomes me needing to spend time with You.

If we were to meet... where would we be?

I don't see anything Jesus. It strikes me that the safest place to be would be sinking down and down into the depths of an endless ocean. My hearing would immediately be affected. I would hear my own heart beat with a surreal volume only comparable to the sound of water rushing and bubbling around me as I sank. I think, at first, I would look around but as the light started to fade with the surface I would close my eyes with a finality.
   I suppose you might want to know what kind of finality, Reader, not one of lost hope or purpose. Not of a loss of desire for life but perhaps a death to life lived my way . I believe I need to really be completely Jesus'. I think in the face of really losing all that meant something to me in this world I would be left with deepest truth... life isn't about me it's about You Father, it's about You Jesus and Your sweet Holy Spirit.
   Therefore to die to everything but You makes sense, everything is so temporary and is meant to be. Jesus You were here what 33 years? I've already passed that mark and see that I've had so much time to try to grasp and learn how to really live and in most ways I am just starting to see much less applying it, living it. You spent those 33 years with such purpose because of how You lived. What You accomplished in 3 years of ministry leaves me wordless and yet You call us to live like You did. Jesus, I cannot even comprehend that this is possible but I want to. I want to live exactly like You did. What about the death at the end? You know, if called to it, it would be done. But I think one of the biggest struggles right now, is dying now... to self. Do You mean for us to actually get that here though? Or is the struggle to be Holy, to be like You the goal and what sheds light on everyone around us? Is it our lives lived broken and alive only in Your power and grace that truly glorifies You? Our very lives a witness and testimony, a light pointing to You alone. And here is again where this curious balance exists... this life is so not about us and yet each of us is so passionately loved and held by You. A phrase You spoke to me a while ago just popped into my mind... so stop being about myself and let You be about me. This way Your purpose and intent is accomplished while we are completely filled by Your love and presence.

As I sink lower and lower I can tell even behind my closed eyelids that it grows ever darker. I am not panicked but I wonder at myself. I am too far down to even think of struggling for what lies above. And my heart and soul answer with confirmation by sitting at peace, patiently waiting.

2011-12-07T08:30:00.001-08:00

April 11/11
Day 34 of lent

   Morning Jesus... I am a little tentative this morning, wondering how I would feel (a bit afraid of not feeling) but I think in my anxiousness to talk with You I have no founding reasons for fear. Interestingly I had no draw to make a hot drink either. But my drive to get some chores crammed in before taking time to sit down remains. So I had another interesting moment last night where I would feel jealousy I didn't really feel it inside but my actions looked like I did. Not sure what that was about except that when faced with my craver (self) wanting to be special and recognized and knowing when those situations are happening You have a greater power. I felt it but didn't completely give myself over to You. I want to do that now that I've put this down in coherent thought. I really have no need for striving and jealousy, my desire to exist in Your freedom excludes that. Do I really want to be like another? Do I really need someones approval? Do I require something to give myself away? A resounding no... all those are dark places and if I choose to live in Your light so many things don't matter nor require a response or action. My life would (as close as I can wrap my mind around it) become wildly focused while at the same time free from the need for me to control by schedule, self abasement, planning what I think is best or manipulation. I would in essence become like the description of the Holy Spirit as the wind moving first here then there all the while with strong purpose and focus.

   To become like You is so much more appealing than the illusionary and exhausting roads of control and security (our aggression and defensiveness).

   All of a sudden I am physically weary. No kidding. I sit and type with my eyes closed thinking some warm blankets would be so delightful right now.

...(2 hours later) I am still tired but I will act out what I felt I should do in my non-feeling state. Also a line from Jason Upton rings in my head (perhaps from the Message)... God calls us to ... a long obedience in the same direction. He (God) doesn't want us to burn bright but burn out... He wants us for the long haul, for our lifetime. And this includes existing and still striving for Holiness in those dark and low times, essentially pressing through it (and for myself continually asking for perspective from You in it ) despite my disorientating feeling amid this time without all I am used to aka... feeling. It is not unlike my experience of learning how to run uphill. But learning this kind of discipline is not just for the low times or unfamiliar times... it also needs to be applied to the times we recognize and quite frankly desire because of it's familiarity. For when I am comfortable (what I would say now as living in an abundance of Your obvious and merciful grace) I can make just as many wrong decisions moment to moment but don't 'see' them as clearly because I am still experiencing You in many ways. Therefore I see now that this discipline this long obedience in the same direction is as crucial now as then. For this reason I am leaving my computer and carrying on despite my weariness as a representation of what I want to learn to do spiritually.

   You make me smile Jesus.

2011-12-07T08:26:00.001-08:00

April 10/11
Day 33 of lent

I haven't felt this alive for a few weeks now. Wow I recognize it and it thrills me down deep!
At the same time that I was being surrendered to where I was, settling inside that I would go through it looking for You in it and letting You make the most of it... is exactly when You let me feel. Which makes the timing of this exactly You! lol. It's nice to feel what I know. It was very disorientating to not have that connection. And yet. I learned that You take care of me. So in that respect even though I didn't feel You near (like I am used to) I knew You were regardless. It scared me to realize how strong our flesh can be. This time of lent has helped me see this experiencially and take into serious consideration the weight of this reality. My dependence upon You is so complete and necessary... thank You for Your mercy once again and I mean that with more depth than even a few weeks ago.

2011-12-07T08:24:00.001-08:00

April 4/11
Day 27 of lent

    Morning Jesus, somehow it just feels like a brand new day! or season? or outlook! Enough of the winter season is succumbing to the touch of spring .... How are You today Jesus? Help me to spend all day with You. Love You.

    The day has become a familiar gray. The reclusive shroud put around one's shoulders when time slows down till you can hear it. I want to live purposefully today despite surroundings and what is going on within. After a month of wrestling with and looking at the struggle of flesh and Spirit ... I tire of self (again). There is no one around me that doesn't know intimately the reality of this war and so I want to renew my vision of just being Yours. Choosing You moment to moment and asking You to enable me to choose Holiness over comfort and security. To explore what freedom in You is ... by experience.

    Just was thinking that while I can choose my steps (to a degree) it is another thing altogether when apart of a body (church body). I cannot explain or talk anyone into my experience yet I know there are things I want them to know and accept and live but I suppose freedom in You touches here too... I'll have to let You do the talking. I will live and share when prompted but I will not hold the expectation on them to see, understand, or accept (or even hear) that way disappointment and striving will not be necessary. huh. That sounds right.

2011-12-07T08:21:00.001-08:00

March 29/11
Day 21 of lent

Morning Jesus. So coming off the thoughts of Sunday and catching once again in however small it's increment that this life is not about me at all... the Scripture I read seems a little more potent. You had such a focus even though You held the power and authority of judging in Your hand ... Your came to save. But even in this You were completely about Your Father and only spoke what He told You to say ... doing only as He asked of You. It says You shared all our human ness in Hebrews so You know this dying. You had to die to self... daily and then completely.

So what of me?

I know I am not what this life is about it is You... it is the You in me.

2011-11-29T12:25:00.001-08:00

March 21/11
Day 13 of lent

So I have a little left over from last night's regrets but I cannot undo or erase any of it. So Jesus could You forgive me for my lack of good judgement and continue to help me learn the greater lessons. I think my dreams reflected my mood and they were a drag to wake up to as well. Sigh. I don't even know what to write.

Quite a few hours later I have had one epiphany. What I am feeling was exactly like the youth group mess up feeling. Okay so once I realized that it all kinda clicked into place. Just as I need to make judgement calls and be obedient to what You are asking me to do despite any and all emotional issues. Choosing instead to live only for You and in You. I am also asked to do the same with my family. Sometimes I cave when I just want everyone to be happy / make the situation as comfortable as possible OR sometimes I avoid issues to avoid confrontation. What I choose to do and how I handle myself is just as important at home as in a specific ministry I need to stop being about my own comfort and safety and live in You and in Your freedom. It took watching a movie to catch all that clearly. Curious I know but it equally makes all the sense in the world. In feeling what a character is faced with and going through I often apply it as if it were my own situation I weigh or realize huh that is similar to this. In taking that step back I was able to actually see.

The heaviness is gone but the lesson is not. Thanks Jesus

2011-11-29T12:23:00.001-08:00

March 18/11
Day 10 of lent

Well I woke up this morning with the distinct feeling that You were still holding me. Huh. Also of note was the Scripture that Bailey brought up. About discipline of all things. hahaha. Hebrews 12. I am going to slip out and do chores but before I went I just wanted to say thank You Jesus for still holding onto me. This day has all sorts of potential for needing You this closely. (this desperately) I'll be right back.

Well it has now been quite a while but a good while. Jesus I love You. Interesting. There is so many little things about our relationship that are both subtle and powerful. The way I want to meet with You but can't in the worldly definition... The way Your sacrifice extends from the cross onwards... You too long for me (us) too and yet must wait in ways that must at times be torturous. Actually because of the true nature of Your love the separation between us must be hard all the time. Huh. It only makes me love You deeper. Jesus I want to love You back with the love You lavish on me. I want to choose to do it... so I will again lay my life down to do it. When it doesn't make sense that You can love me or really be there for me... You find a way. When I wonder how You'd protect me and look out for me without being physical... You prove it over and again. When I am overwhelmed with actually wanting to be with You ... You tell me how deeply You want that too. When I think I've had to handle alot .... You've borne more.

2011-11-29T12:21:00.001-08:00

March 17/11
Day 9 of lent... part 2

    So Jesus, even though it's the same day I needed a new page I don't want to think right now. I just want to be with You. I know that I probably will be interrupted in a few minutes but I wanted to take this time to tell You that. I need You to be my comfort thing. Not that anything has gone badly today except my losing my temper... sorry about that.

If I was wrapped up in Your arms right now, I would be okay with You telling me You weren't going to fix this. If I were in Your arms right now, I would think instead about how much I need You inside me to deal with each moment that is coming... despite whether it is good or bad. If I were in Your arms, I would sigh with relief and I would breathe You in. I think I would feel my weakness in Your arms. I would feel my weariness. But I think I would feel something more... as I gave over my own solutions, my worry, concern over myself and wondering what was coming... I would feel Your Spirit seeping in to fill in the place of things I was laying down. To tell the truth though, I don't think even this would make me want to let go of You. I believe there would be a bit of desperation in my grip of not wanting to move from Your embrace.

And then my tears start to spill.
    But I'm not letting go Tam. I know. So why do you feel fear even though you didn't want to type that word? Cause I don't want to lose this kind of connection with You... I'm not good at seeing or feeling lately. Really? Well... I guess that's not accurate, I am seeing and hearing but it's cause I keep messing up. But there is value in that right? Sadly I know the answer is yes. Is it any sweeter to meet me when things are going good and you are doing well than when you are feeling alone, lost, and sorry? No. Things get stripped away when I am struggling... I see that You are all I have and really want and desperately need. Yet it is You that I have hurt and gone away from or been in opposition to.

So what would make me 'feel' the most ... you stumbling or you actually seeing and running to Me, choosing Me? Me wanting You.

I hear that hum in Your chest as You gently rock me in Your embrace.

   Don't be scared. Yah... I am Yours ... whom shall I fear. Not even the craver. So I have to ask ... why have you put off sending that email? I'm not really sure, surfacely. Huh. You might want to find that out. Are you going to offend someone? Will you create a division? Hard feelings? Will you be looked down upon? Disregarded? Not heard? Does any of that matter? Really? Could you hinder something by not sharing with the body something that's clearly important to you right now? Does a part of the body operate on it's own? Have I asked enough questions? lol... well I get the point... I'll be thinking about this for a while.

2011-11-29T12:20:00.001-08:00

    March 17.11
    Day 9 of lent.

   So I move around the house doing chores waiting to meet with You because I am waiting to wake up. It makes no sense any way so I will come and see what You can do with me. lol. After one more distraction I set my fingers on the keyboard determined. I like what I am hearing in the 66 Love Letters book.  That You are more concerned with making me Holy and how I am relating to You (and others) than if my life is going well or is comfortable or if I am managing it well based on biblical principles. So even though it's not wrong to pray for things to be better I cannot be consumed or have that as my top priority. Instead I need to pursue You and look to You and to be filled with You. And keep that as my one thing. I would really like to meet with You today Jesus and I know, You know, what I mean. My Lent's main goal is to be making the decision to be with You instead of being drawn away by busyness, selfishness or laziness. I fall into the last two today being so tired but I want to meet You despite that so I can no longer use that excuse.

   Hey Jesus even though I do things by rout sometimes, could You please meet me there too? I don't think I am necessarily doing things out of obligation, guilt or just because it is the right thing to do anymore.. but I also don't want to become lazy or legalistic in the way I try to connect with You. Show me the depths of my heart, my motives I pray. Even if it's ugly and needs pruning I'd rather that than waste time and get further away from You. Wow I still need to wake up it's a tough one today lol. Maybe some tea and food would help or.... a sleep hahahaha.

    Just got in for lunch and I was trying to fit some learnings together. Your intimate, crazy generous love and Your desire for our Holiness and that that isn't equated with what happens per say in our lives. I looked out my window and saw huge fluffy flakes floating down... You go to such lengths to love us and is it in there somewhere that the spirit of entitlement slips in? We flip from being humbled and awed that You would meet with us to if I am following You Jesus I should have alot of this love ... which we in turn equate with comfort, satisfaction in life, ease. I wonder if this is why our first love of You is what You long for us to return to ... because that is a time where we are enamoured and so focused and loving just You for You and who we are discovering that to be... it is later that our love twists in being agenda motivated.

well I'm headed back out to my shop any words Jesus?

2011-11-29T12:18:00.001-08:00

March 14/11... journal entry...

Day 6. Jesus, so I have managed in this lent so far to disobey Your leading in youth... Be closed off enough during a leadership meeting to only see my point of view and not understand where the actual leader was going. I have been delaying responding to an email and I think that this is spreading an effect inside myself by not being able to explain my point of view that makes me feel like the odd man out in a way and am more defensive overall. Not good. However... my own fault for not stepping up. What is that? I can't seem to get my head in the game today so I want to ask You Jesus... please help me let go and focus on You as I do my daily work and chores. I need You.

So. What I know...

My desire for this lent is really to have conscious dedicated time to You everyday. Learning to have You as my comfort instead of what is physical and is around me. Letting go of coffee reminds me of that.

I know I want to learn to be more concerned with Holiness than to manage or be successful or comfortable. I don't know what steps You will take me through to get to that as a constant mindset?

If my mindset is right I will by default be living in Your Freedom.

If I am living in Your freedom that is saying that I am being led by Your Spirit.

If I am being led by Your Spirit I am also existing in You... I am in the Spirit.

If I am in the Spirit I display the fruits of Your Spirit.

Being a part of a body... we most often display more prominently different kinds of fruit.

If we recognize what fruit we tend towards we also can work more seamlessly together because we see where we fit together; where another leaves off as another fills in etc...

huh I wonder if that was where Mr. B was going at the leadership meeting lol? I kinda think so.

2011-11-29T12:17:00.001-08:00

March 13/11 journal entry...Day 5 of lent.
Hi Jesus, don't really have any time left but I will sneak in a couple of sentences. So could You please come with me tonight? Like really there? Please direct my thoughts, feelings and words to share. Jesus You are my one thing. Thank You for letting me share last night at worship. It was the right place. Well I guess we better hit the road.

2011-11-10T12:37:00.001-08:00

Journal entry March 8/11...

Jesus so this is the last day before lent starts. What do You want me to let go of for 40 days?

   What have You been up to lately Jesus? Mostly trying to woo those I love closer to Me. Yah. Being willing to endure pain and loss and hurt for the time it takes till things are put right and more right than they ever could be any other way. The dark does serve a purpose doesn't it. Yes and ultimately to prove the light... even testify to it. What of the demons what of Satan? You created them as much as You created us and this world. Yes and if you deal with them (as with everything else) in the light of my power and freedom they serve to bring glory to My Name as well. For there is nothing more powerful than Me and having that proved over and over does what? So really is there anything you need to fear? I was going to say only being separated from You... but You have promised to not let go of me. But Jesus what of those that seem to lose You? Does it not always really come down to what is inside their souls? What battle is going on in there? The war waged in the physical and spiritual realms although they come out as man against man or religion against beliefs but really is it? Although that vehicle is used even the arguments between brother and sister come from struggles within each one's soul. The battles that rage within each of you. What truth do you know? What lie have you believed? What fear lurks there and why? What lack of fear lives there and what is it proclaiming?

    How often will you take the time to look deep in your soul and challenge what has become rooted there... with no outside circumstance to push you to do it? How often do you weigh what you've allowed to live inside? If you are managing life and even if it becomes uncomfortable how long is it before you stop to listen to my voice, my Spirit leading you to see... your reaction of just trying harder to handle and control things is a powerful force that you've depended on or rather used most of your existence... but I am here to challenge that response. In challenging that response, I challenge everything about you. I challenge why you do what you do... and is that really working? I ask question after question so if you really do claim to believe that I AM well how are you living that proves that? What is the dominant emotion you live with daily? Really? Is there an unanswered question inside you that you can never seem to reach the end of? Well why is that? Is there a unbalance of head knowledge and heart knowledge that creates a persistant unsettledness. And how does the voice of the craver (old self) manage to continually nag at it so that you are not willing to even try to settle it? How can what you claim to believe really be what you believe if you are too scared to live it?

    Then a perceived time of darkness comes. In a variety of forms. It pushes you to do something. Even if to only look.

    Okay so as I sit here is this maybe what You're saying to my lent question? Do you want me to let go of what represents my comfort things and commit to spend time daily to hearing You and speaking as You ask of me? What are my comfort things? Well coffee and my coffee milk. That seems so lame. Not enough of a sacrifice. Maybe it's not about what you're giving up but what you are committing to do. That is a hard thing because I know it I am totally unable to do it. I already know my own resolve will fail within the first week... so this lent time will be fulfilled only in the power of Your Spirit. So will this fulfill the purpose of lent? Let's see... depending upon Me to accomplish something which on the flip side means you are not depending on yourself... hmmm yup. And how about this for the bonus... letting Me become your comfort thing. Your treat. :)

2011-11-10T12:36:00.001-08:00

   ...journal entry March 10/11

   Morning Jesus, so it's day two of lent... so much happened or didn't happen yesterday. Being completely shut down with that headache was wow. Couple of things I tried to remember ... despite circumstance I want to have my focus on You and what You require... that it's okay to pray for better circumstances but that doesn't allow for whining and the spirit of entitlement. I also, in the darkening of yesterday, asked You for something... and I still want to ask that today. Jesus it seems You are making it pretty clear that my need to look at what is actually within is crucial in stepping into You. The only way my focus, my desires become in step with Yours is to face and deal with, as You ask, the struggle within. Now I do not want to get into any theology here, I am living in You as a new man but I know the struggle that is warring between the craver and I and will continue to until I get to the end of my time here. So again I just want to ask, Jesus, please help me not care more for comfort or good management than for an absolute desire and hunger for You and working the working out of Holiness. Thanks.

   So Jesus You have definitely taken care of the physical today. My truck sits loaded and ready to deliver. My chores are done. My headache hasn't surfaced. And delightfully I have an hour to spend with You :) love that.

    Where are we Jesus? It feels like a long time since I've asked that. You are my cup of comfort this morning. How about I knock on Your door and wait for You to answer? I knock with enthusiasm and confidence. The smile that plays on my lips betray my thoughts of anticipation. The heavy door swings inwards and there You are. Would You like to join me Jesus? I hold out my hand and wait.. watching what crosses Your face. You seem as delighted as I feel. You grab my hand and step down the two steps but then in one fluid motion You swing around and swoop me up into Your arms holding me tight as we laugh and then breathe one another in. So gently You put me back on my feet and we rejoin hands and start walking You are excited when You point out the amazing sunrise and our senses soak in the details of a new day... the crisp bite of the air, the clear call of a chickadee, the light playing with color as it hits the ordinary and transforms it. We are walking up a path and although it is going somewhere there are just so many places along the way that call us to pause and see. To share and reveal what we are feeling and know. I think one of the most beautiful sounds is Your laughter ... what it invokes within myself is so deep. When I join in with You it is more of a soul laughter ... one of real freedom and how good that feels. Does it matter if no one ever understands you, really? In looking into Your eyes it really doesn't because if they do it'll be because You wanted to speak to them through me. If I give my whole self over to You there is no other motive left and because all I am is revolving and soaking in You... all the results do too. I don't have to be concerned with that anymore. Yes I will feel for what I am apart of and what I see what I witness and You will undoubtedly use that to call me in directions You want me to go. No Jesus, I don't care if I am ever understood by anyone as long as I KNOW You and that You understand all of me. You will (have to) become more than my cup of comfort lol. Our laughter seems to ring out so clear and far. Can I have a piggyback ride? Always you say with a chuckle. I jump up and we set off.

2011-11-08T12:44:00.000-08:00

    Jesus ... when I was reading in John 12 I felt such a crazy strong feeling as I read about You coming into the city. I wondered... what would I feel if I was there and perhaps I know...

    I would have been desperate to see You, even to catch a glimpse of You amongst the crowd. Of course I would have wanted more, Your attention, Your words. In the mood cast during the preparation for Passover would have run two things I think... the high that a King was really present... a Messiah. (He raised that guy from the dead! who can argue that?) The other would have be just as real, as undeniable as a bad taste in your mouth, as fear stealthily snuck up behind you and worked it's way up your spine. Despite the loud Hosannas there was still fear and that, maybe, made the Hosannas all the louder. To drown out that whisper. Fear that something big was about to happen of universal and eternal importance and would I be ready? So many had constantly been looking over their shoulders to see if the Pharisees and their spies were there. Don't get me started in wondering which friend might betray me and report a conversation that was thought to be whispered safely. The constant weighing inside the soul of the risk of stepping out in faith of this Messiah, the inevitable fallout of consequences in be publicly bold. What about my family, my lifestyle, my security what use will I be when I am discarded by the ruling force of our culture? Yet undeniably it is held on the scale by the equally big fear that by not coming out and committing to it I may miss the biggest opportunity in my entire life and be left behind (cause look what He has done... remember what He has said ... and the power it all had and how it stirred something in the depths of my soul that has never been stirred before... I'll never forget when He looked right at me, I couldn't even breath right)

   Who has ever really thwarted the Pharisees? How do they hold this tight control over so many well look at the track record look at what they can do... What if I step out and they kill Him? what then? But what if He wins and I find myself on the wrong side? How would I ever pick up the pieces of my broken soul knowing that I really did know... and I chose wrong?

    I need to see Him! I need to see Him to tip this scale! Something happens when you get near Him ... what if I don't get near enough... GOD Help me get close enough!

    Pushing and being pushed amongst this now frenzied crowd I claw my way closer to the road. My breathing shallow and hard but not out of effort but out of the desperation inside the deepest part of my soul. I keep glancing up in my efforts to get nearer and then it's like all around me suddenly goes silent I see their mouths moving, bodies jostling but as my eyes meet Yours my sharp intake of breath is accompanied by that curious ring of silence. You are looking right at me. You. How? Me? You. Oh... it is You... God. I feel my legs begin to give out and the clamour all around me assaults my senses once again. I lose my balance as another seeks to get closer and by the time I right myself again I only see the back of His head. My soul is reeling in the sudden wave of awe and brokenness in the face of really knowing... I stand there, still, but before I will myself to go back I look again and in the briefest of moments He looks back and I see that flicker of a smile catch on His lips and light His eyes and then He is gone swallowed by the crowd and palm branches, the noise. I walk away in a stupor still reeling in what I now know and have decided.

    The grip with which I hold the truth would most likely, in the physical, leave my hands bloodied as I stubbornly refuse to release even in the slightest degree. I stopped whispering that day and when I looked around to see who was listening it wasn't in fear but almost in daring... who would hear me today? ((I Won't Back Down)) His words are still echoing inside...I remember the drop in my stomach when He said "The light is with you for a little longer. Walk while You have the light, so that the darkness may not overtake You. If You walk in the darkness, you do not know where you are going. While you have the light believe in the light, so that you may become children of light." The fear that flashed inside at His saying goodbye was instantly soothed by the thick promise of still being lead, the thrill in the freedom of knowing and the warmth of being part of His family. And even though I didn't have words for this at the time somewhere I knew.

    What happened next and the speed with which it all took place was nearly blinding. I'll never forget being swept along by that crowd that seemed possessed, hearing them scream over and over for Jesus' blood, His life... sickness washed over me as I realized what was in motion the taste of bile in my mouth at even the thought of His suffering... at first no words sounded from my lips but then the faint sound of my screaming "NO! You don't see No! No! Don't You get it... He really is God Wait!" fell hopelessly to the ground and was trampled over and again by the blind hate emanating from the crowd. Once again I was at the mercy of the crowd and was pushed along. The sound all around me that seemed so thick I should be able to touch it faded into a background blurr as my heart and soul cried out for Him. I dredged up all I could to put words to what my soul was screaming. Suddenly I became aware of someone holding my hand... hard. I looked up to see eyes that were filled with tears their mouth was moving even though I could not hear but I knew what they were saying. I knew... that they knew... that this was God. My own tears spilled over now but I returned the tight hold on my hand with a strength I didn't realize was there.

March 2/11

2011-11-07T13:17:00.000-08:00

   You aren't surprised by us.

   Jesus,I know that a little more all the time. In my bemoaning the feeling of failure earlier today I remember stating that I made You sad. Did I really? I also remember being asked that over and over by the prayer lady at the encounter weekend.... over my regret in past events. She seemed to sink it in a smidge that perhaps I didn't make You sad... that our failures are expected and as I think now, You've already made the necessary arrangements ... necessary sacrifices to atone for them all. I know the whole "it's not about me" lesson that continues to cycle over and again but I want to add something to it tonight... I don't control You. Not my sin, not my emotions, not anything. You know it all and have made not only the way... but You weave into and throughout it all threads of beauty and learning and change. Redemption that catches the light and sparkles back it breathtaking beauty or the turning of black and blood red threads into the greens of new growth blues of the open clear skies that go on and on...

   I want in Jesus. Wherever this boat is taking or teaching me I want to get all I can from this. I would love to see it from Your perspective ... perhaps this is a case of going through something to gain understanding or experience to serve and love someone else later on (cause it really isn't about me). Do You ever ask someone to endure something for another? Well I suppose if we are in the process of being You to those around us that would make sense to me. But I am not assuming I don't have something very important to learn through this experience too. I know that the depth and width of stuff I need to wade through to be able to know and draw closer to You is mind boggling. Ahh, better put... the pruning that needs to take place by Your hand is much.

   If we were to look down upon myself in that boat right now I would think... I need to get to a thought, a realization... then all this time drifting will be more than worthwhile it will be the dark backdrop that contrasts the colors and shapes that take the forefront... that makes the deep beauty strike the onlooker that passes by.

   I turn to look at You. I reach out and take hold of Your hand... smiling I turn and lead You to a deep red cushy chair. I sweep out a hand of invitation to come and sit. You catch my smile and it becomes an honest laugh of joy as You move by me and sit down with a release of breath and a drawing in of the contentment or peace of sharing the unspoken. For a while I just sit at Your feet, being near. Then I lift Your foot and massage it rubbing in lotion and enjoying the scent that lingers in the air as I work to do my very best. After a time I rest Your foot on my lap and reach to start on the other one. So intent in what I am doing I realize I haven't even glanced up to see what You are thinking. I sneak a quick glance and Your eyes hold mine... the power You have in Your eyes is arresting. Really. I just want to love You Jesus... despite what I take myself through and where I allow the world to lead me it all seems to crumble and blow away in Your presence. All I want is You ... to love You. I cannot grasp the honor of being so near to You even yet... but I know I am consumed with a soul's deepest gratitude and worship in the face of Your love.

... journal entry Feb 28/11.

2011-11-06T07:46:00.000-08:00

Jesus,
I know I need to live in the present
I know I need to remember the context of my existence but not to live in the past or past events (but perhaps in the light of them?)
I know I need to live in the freedom only You can give. Wow. That is what my dream was about isn't it. The past both negative and positive is not where I need to live... I can exist in Your freedom with my eyes for You alone and be richer than any plan I could come up with myself. The past both positive and negative can serve to push me forward into You... In light of Your freedom I will 'see'. I will only really be me when I am looking at You being consumed with Your love and the love that rises up within me for You.

Left to myself, I can use the consequence of my sin as a twisted justification to sin again I can use it to demand (through manipulation) compassion and attention from those that care for me. But that will eat me from inside, the sick taste it leaves in my mouth, the emptiness that the cavern of selfishness leaves behind in my soul makes me cringe just thinking of it.
...journal entry Feb 15/11...

Dearest Reader, I had a most bizarre dream that stayed with me for a few days and it was so interesting how this journal ended up putting into words what I should learn from it. I don't know if it matters what the dream was but if you are interested in hearing about it let me know.

2011-11-05T09:52:00.000-07:00

Jesus I know we don't meet too often these days in words and pictures and that's okay because You are closer than that ... it's like I still have one foot in that place and another in another ... it's a long transition on some levels or at some times. Kind of like watching a friendship drift away, in a healthy way, because the season of help has come and gone. I think in alot of ways I have reconciled it's leaving because of what You've replaced it with but. There it is. I think I have words now. Jesus I want to give up my control of You. Hanging onto where we've been instead of throwing my self , completely, where You are taking me is just that. You aren't really taking Yourself away from me at all.

Jesus a friend could use a bit of bench time shall we? You give me that smile that melts me inside as it makes me feel so much a part of You ...You wink as You turn Your head to face our friend. Even without looking I know Your smile beams down on him. We all settle back on the sun warmed bench with a sigh. You put an arm around each of us. It's an interesting thing that happens when I get to 'share' You with someone. I sit here on this bench knowing my yearning and desire for You yet in the presence of another my thoughts cease to be centered around myself. It's curious to try and describe what happens but it is something I recognize... this has happened many times before. It's like being in this place of deep, deep peace while I know You minister to whoever is there. It's like time suspends itself and nothing else matters. I don't feel an anxiousness to be seen or interacted with (how unlike me is that lol) but really I am so content to wait while You love... I even bring up my legs and sit cross legged beside You. I'm just thinking out loud now but it almost feels like I'm a part of You in this ministry time? How does that work? For I know it is all You. Hmmm. Perhaps this thought is still too deep for me to grasp but despite my lack of understanding I still know what I feel. Okay this next thought is almost beyond any sense at all but here it is... while You pour out Your love and Spirit on another... I feel drawn to just love You. Even if it is just sitting contentedly by Your side. Another thing I know is that I don't feel forgotten by You at all even though Your face is turned towards another. Now I know that is a God thing :) I look down at my hands as I sit and You take Your hand from behind me and let it fall into mine instead. I catch my breath as I let that action speak to me. I study Your hand and feel it's warmth. I trace Your fingers with my own and then intertwine my fingers with Yours and hold tight... I feel Your grip tighten in response and I smile to myself... feeling wave after wave of a contentment that is so deep that it threatens to drown me. I need nothing else. You are my life and source of life.... journal entry...Feb 15 11

2011-11-04T16:51:00.000-07:00

Dearest Reader,
   The last few posts and ones to come took place during an interesting time with God. I thought I'd let you in on the background or context to it to give a more complete picture.

   At the very beginning of this year God started meeting me in the Word. It was so amazing I would be sitting there reading with my paper and pen, noting down observations and then I would ask God a question. Time after time He would show up in a crazy real way of directing my thoughts. I recognized it was indeed Him because in answer to my question He would give me an understanding or revelation to help lead me that was never where my own mind or logic could take me. So really sit back and think about that. It was as close to sitting at my kitchen table and having a conversation with Jesus as I have ever experienced. I loved it YET. Yet what!!!! you may exclaim... well I was so used to meeting with and seeing Jesus in my journalling and with the eyes of my heart that I missed Him desperately. But in the delight of meeting Him a new way I felt I needed to be disciplined to meet Him that way, not stealing my time with Him there to meet with Him as I had. I didn't after all want to miss the chance to meet Him and get to know Him in this new way. This interaction with Him was also completely different, it wasn't as relational as the other so this would at times leave me at war within trying to reconcile Jesus in one way or a furthering of meeting Him in another.

   Now something else was happening at the same time as this struggle with how I met with Jesus. I was seeing with very clear eyes the depth of self(ishness). Not people as a whole but myself. When left to myself I chose self every time.  Even when I lamented over it in one moment summoning up all my self control (which I proudly thought I had alot of ... ironic) to fall in the next moment with a shallow, see through explanation or excuse to do so. It was like seeing what I would be like without the presence of Jesus in my life constantly. Or likewise seeing, as if for the first time, just how present He had been and what happened because of that.

This was where I eventually ended up concluding... Jesus... if I never meet You again in the way I desire YET continue to meet with You, as You choose to reveal, I am okay with that. I just always want to know You are there.

2011-11-04T08:37:00.000-07:00

    Jesus I am having a hard time catching and holding onto my thoughts. They flicker like the light cast from a fire. I know You are here with me. Jesus I am filled with alot I guess. I want You to be so with my brother walking through the season of healing. Jesus, thank You for his life last night. Thank You.
Holy God You break into my thoughts so often these days... my hunger for You does not seem to abate but asks only draw from a deeper and deeper well. I feel like I am in such a precious spot right now amongst a body that is desiring not only You but to go where You lead. I love that it fills me with such emotion delight. Thank You for that too.
   Why did You love me with such abandon these last days Jesus? The amount of times and ways You spoke to me through people and circumstance was literally staggering. I don't know if I am to spend time thinking it through but You made me feel like You were pleased with me. Huh. Kind of like a affirmation that I was hearing and following You.
   Jesus I want to write this down before I forget. It is just a small thing but last night it seemed very significant. I realized that when I pray for our body, for our growing up... for the in pouring of Your Spirit I am looking at the same spot in our church building every time. It is the right side at the front .... it is where we are now starting to pray. Wow.
   Jesus please hold me. Your hand comes up and holds my head firmly against Your chest. In my want of You I lose sense of what the rest of my body is doing ... I cannot feel my arms but think they are holding You in a grip that is with the intensity of holding onto life itself. My heart is heavy it burns and aches.
   excerpts from my journal.... Feb 14/11

2011-10-14T15:00:00.000-07:00

Hey Jesus ... it has been a couple of days. My heart has been calling to You a lot lately often in a confused and lost way. Lost because I feel like I don't recognize where I am. The only thing that is familiar is the ache for You... that takes over inside and washes over me with an intensity that sometimes leaves me breathless. You know, there are sometimes Jesus that I am more afraid of myself than anything else. What really is scarier or more threatening than what we are capable of inside our own hearts and souls? What can pull us away from You easier than our own demons our own vices ... the pride that has so many faces to hide it's ugliness. What of our desire for control? Our desire for our own happiness and comfort? The sheer ignorance of our indecent and indignant demand for what we deserve... what we are entitled to? In the clarity of this moment I see just how sacrificial You are by stepping into our lives and asking us to surrender. The biggest sacrifice is not what we are giving up. It is what You do... what You are willing to do... what You have already done so You would be always right there ready to step in, to pour out, to hold us before the word has even left our lips. We are so sadly deluded into thinking that You are asking so much of us. It all leaves me a little sick inside, at the extent of the facade we hold onto with a grip that leaves gouges, threatening wounds that will fester and bleed.

I sit here a little stunned and what I think is this. There is something I want to ask for Jesus... first is Jesus, Father and sweet sweet Holy Spirit... I want a relationship with You more than anything (yet I know I fail miserably at this over and again). Next is I know my battle with the carefully erected facade will not leave without constant and vigilant battle so I want to ask You Jesus for a weapon. I want to ask that You would place in the deepest part of my heart a picture or word or ??? of the truth. The truth of living in You... and what that really required and requires of You... yes You not me. We've masterfully twisted it and I don't want to anymore. I want to fight against that part of me. I don't know where this will take me but Jesus knowing that I will need You for all of it sits right with me.
journal entry... Feb 6/11

2011-10-13T10:50:00.000-07:00

...journal entry Jan 28/11

Jesus something is really weighing on me.

   Father... I know I need to love You for no other reason than, I am simply that, in love with You. I have been reading about how we can have other motives in loving You and it scares me to hear that. Whether they have power for any length of time or are being fought against I get that they are there and it is unsettling; scary even. Father, I don't want to ask You for a blessed life anymore. In fact it has even been some time since I have been comfortable asking You for safety (I know You understand that) and it is the same thing.

   Wanting You to give us a good life... knowing it is You that can give it doesn't water down the selfish motive behind asking for it. I know that I don't want comfort over You. I want our relationship to super cede my wanting of comfort and protection and blessing.

   I know that having that ridiculously close existence with You moment to moment outweighs all things because of many realities. First of all the craver (that selfish inner man) begins to starve when we are tight... my perspectives start to skew to Yours and I grasp a little tighter to 'not being about myself' becoming more willing to let You take care of that. Trusting You to take care of that. Of me. When we are tight, troubles and trials have this amazing potential of shifting into times of purpose, redemption or healing so completely opposite to what the enemy wants of course. Yet we fight against ever getting into those 'hard' times because they threaten our belief that we are okay.  That it is only a punishment or a fallen world consequence we need to get through, which is 'undeserved' (might as well say it that way) cause we resent at times what we have to go through, we feel indignant that life or You are demanding that of us. But here's the thing I see... or hear... You allow us to walk into those very places (which ironically we often demand to go into due to our selfish and limited human logic) yet Your mercy and grace transform those times to accomplish mind blowing things both in us and around us. You let us walk into the darkness of only thinking of ourselves and bring us out of it "to bring us in..." to You. Into the freedom of loving You for You ... not for what You do or will do but for who You are. And this is back to where I started. "If you love Me only when I immediately satisfy your desires, your love is merely one more form of self-centeredness. Your love becomes trust only when you choose to believe that I brought you out of something bad to bring you into something good before you experience that something good. Then your love is sustained by confidence in My character, not by enjoyment of current blessings. "pg 19 66 Love Letters, by Dr. Larry Crabb "Love has no meaning unless it remains alive when the one you claim to love seems distant and unresponsive. " Now here is where my fear sits. I want to ask You, Father, to burn away that selfishness in me so that our relationship can be real and real close BUT I am afraid that in asking that You will test me by being distant and asking me to love You when You aren't loving me in the way I am so used to now. In that nearly tangible presence, in thoughts, in my heart, in circumstance and events, in words of those around me or even in revealing Yourself and Your thoughts in Your Word as I have come to know deeper as of late.

   Okay so this is you fighting against what you believe is a dark or hard time ... you said just a few sentences ago (with an air of disgust or unbelief at your lack of belief or trust in Me) that the facade of what those times really are ... are just that... these times and situations are not what they present themselves as (or more accurately your fear paints them as) They are not huge, dark and scary. Sure they are not easy or even comfortable but can I bring You through them without being right there beside You? no... being right inside you? Sure I may exist in a form or way that your eyes or eyes of your heart may not yet know, thus cannot see through lack of understanding, but that doesn't mean I am not there! Look back at what I just walked you through... I asked you to see Me in a different way, to interact with Me in a new way, to trust me when you couldn't reason through what was happening. Because of my brilliant ways you knew you were arguing between Me in one form over Me in a new form and you couldn't grasp any logical argument cause the fight was for Me either way and if it was Me how could one be better than the other??? But really, think about it... you don't need to be concerned with how I burn away your selfishness ... trust Me to do that messy stuff. I love you Tam ... my desire for you to want me the way I want you is beyond measuring. So just keep your eyes on Me on KNOWING Me. Fear? It has no place between us! Connect fear with the word trust how about? As soon as you feel it rising up ask yourself ... "if I am really trusting Jesus with my whole life what do I have left to be afraid of? Like really."

   Father, thank You. Here I have been stewing in this for a few days and once again due to the love I cannot explain You come. You come and sit with me and talk to me. The weight of what lengths You go to love me is not lost on me. It breaks me every time. And I love You Father ... Jesus You know I can't look in Your eyes without going all soft... and Holy Spirit oh the rivers of thanks that flow from my very soul that You are with me... so faithful.

2011-09-26T18:19:00.000-07:00

You know Jesus, I don't suppose anything. But I expect anything.

I have realized to a deeper level that leadership or standing in a prominent role carries with it alot of weight and responsibility. Not that I would shirk from it but the allure of personal glory in holding a role or in works is not something that catches my eye especially with the weight that comes with it. Kind of like a millstone's weight. Take away any selfish motives whether private or public... let them sink away tarnished in light of Your glory and beauty.

   I see Your face and You are laughing that joyful, soul filled laugh that resonates and begs all those that hear to join in. Your eyes close as You laugh again... everything about Your face is just so free and true... You know what it is to laugh and feel ridiculously good probably as true as You know the depth to which pain and separation goes... to the depths of hell itself.
   Your face becomes more somber but doesn't completely lose Your joy. I see something else in Your eyes now, it is a sharing, an understanding, a depth and You don't hide it at all. You don't break our gaze but allow me to look, soaking in everything, to read all that I can.
   Jesus, I know I haven't earned a right to be here just like I know no one can. I cannot grasp any logic to Your mercy so I embrace, with love and gratitude, the chance to be here with You. Your love and grace defies any explanation really.  Regardless, it definitely ... is.
   I haven't felt as lonely lately. didn't really realize that till now. You must be up to something... like really. Don't think I didn't see that glint in Your eye just now, lol. How bout You Jesus... You okay? You know what? I like even how that rolled off my tongue because I know that You, alone, really know me and what I mean and how sincerely I ask. It's frustrating at times when I try to reach out and it doesn't go anywhere close to where I hope. But how can we really know one another? and our intent? This brings me to You though, I am so intrigued with You and Your Father... that whole relationship while You were here was crazy close. I know He spoke to You all the time just because of where You went, what You did and what You said. Could You teach me that? No that's not quite right is it... could You enable me to be submitted so completely to You and so in love with You alone that this reality could exist between us too? LOL... could You please make me like You? Like the man of many sorrows. I look up to Your eyes and catch that flash of emotion that makes me remember the contrasts. While living the life that Your Father was so very proud of, You endured opposition, misunderstanding, rejection, and pain of so many kinds in others that I am convinced You felt Yourself. The way I see it right now is this ... I believe I am willing to endure whatever pain comes, due to my desire to live in a relationship with You that is as close as possible. You got through it because of Your Father, You were never alone. I remember You saying that to Your disciples just before they abandoned You to Your death. So I think that any pain I would face will never be something I would do alone. In fact I think it would bind us together in depth and layers ... well I don't know, perhaps on my side at least lol... as You are already loving me perfectly. Nothing would be able to dim the light of the life lived in You. Nope nothing. So Jesus, again I say, take all of me. Now. Please touch my mind that I may know... my eyes that I will see... my heart that I would love like You. Teach me to be like You.

2011-09-19T17:23:00.000-07:00

Facing our own layers. Owning up to what is inside of ourselves.

   Why do we fear reaction? Why do we fear and hide things? Why do things like jealousy and anger surface? We are not only not living in true love but it screams out that we have things we need to look at and surrender to You. I'm beginning to believe our biggest sacrifice will be our selfishness.
The desire we have to protect ourselves the knee jerk reaction to cover, defend, manipulate and fulfill what we believe we need and deserve is so strong. To see it for what it is ... is absolutely the first step towards denying it and taking up our cross to follow Jesus completely and wholeheartedly.

   Let's take jealousy as an example. This violent reaction can spring up at a moment's notice and the biggest cause is someone who is 'claimed' by you for faithful love and support is somehow wooed by another. This event can cause a few reactions. One is an angry, protective move because that one claimed, is there to love you alone... sharing is not an option because it may lessen what you receive and we all want as much love from others as we can. Another reaction is fear. If we lose the one we've claimed it may prove that we are actually not worthy of it in the first place perhaps (and this may be the biggest fear), that we are unlovable. All of these responses are completely self centered they never consider any of the others in the circumstance. This is not love at all. This is not God. Not the love that He commands us to love with.
   Being tied up with selfishness not only keeps us in bondage but it walls out Jesus and His love to enter into our lives. It prevents us from being free to actually love as we are being loved by Him.
   Jesus, I know I have alot to yet learn and face. And although I am scared to look inside at times I would rather go through that kind of pain than to exist only in part throughout my existence here on earth.

   The second thought today was linked to being bold enough to face what is inside with the intent to deal with it. It is in the risk of being honest with God and ourselves. As with the Samaritan woman whom Jesus led to a spiritual level and understanding only by her being vulnerable and honest. By admitting the way she was living, she opened herself up to more possible attack or judgement of shame and disdain for who she was and what she was doing (and despite how much she was already enduring) YET she was honest and took the risk of further hurt. What happened ? She was instead set free ... she was given spiritual sight; realizing that she was having an intimate encounter with God... she, who was an outcast, a failure, a throw away. If she had answered any other way she would have missed this moment and gone away continuing to exist in her current state. Never fully aware of what was actually being held out to her. A redemption... that she indeed had worth, purpose, and was in fact loved so much by God that He met her Himself.

Hear the message... Heed the words... Take the risk.

Journal excerpt Dec 14/10

2011-09-18T16:07:00.000-07:00

I need You Jesus.

It is just You and I as all around us goes dark, for there is no relevence in what surrounds us. I could even close my eyes... for all that matters is, what I know is true ... that You are holding me. The reason I laugh Reader is remembering all the times I want to 'see' and even in specific ways and when it comes right down to it is it any more tangible than what I know as truth? I close my eyes and exhale, letting go of what already threatens to pile up... and when I breathe in ... I breathe in You. Holy, Holy, Holy, You are my God, my Saviour, my Love, my Father , my Rescuer... You are Life. You are my life. I hear You speaking into my hair but I do not know the Words... the language. You speak to me but not as me alone but corporately as Your bride, Your body. You seem to pour out Your thoughts and desires and passions, even tears slide down as You recall generation after generation of Your Beloved. Your love and who You are come out in a rush of words and melody that are so sweet to hear that it almost breaks my heart. For with truth... there is realization, with realization... there is humbling, with humbling... there is a wave of the depth of Your Grace and in the face of Your Grace the tide aches to return to the sea, to be complete, to Know and be Known... to love with the love that You have filled us up with first.

Now there is a silence that is as thick as a blanket of down... my adoration, my love for You floods over and over again, deep within my soul but the beauty of being still and in Your arms hold it's own reverence, Holiness. As long as You want Jesus... as long as You want.

Go and hold my Beloved... Go out with abandon as I am holding you, hold those all around you, those I will bring to you... I will fill you with a knowing, a leading, forever tune in to my stirring and movements, my whispers and calls... hear my heart that has been written down and echo it. You are in my Word for a deep purpose continue in it... be consumed.

Here I am send me. Dec 8/10

2011-09-14T18:34:00.000-07:00

How are You doing today?
Jesus, if we were standing together right now this is what I'd do ... I'd take You by the hand and we would walk to that rise over there. The sun is still low but climbing quickly. Sitting on the top of the picnic table I am on Your left, I put my arm around You and rest my head on Your shoulder. We would spend as much time as You wanted just being still and quiet, soaking in each other's presence and the beauty of what Your hands, Your Word has made. After a time, I would sit behind You giving You a back massage... with each touch I would want You to know the depths of my love and devotion to You.

Now we are sitting on the bench and You are holding me. The words echo through my mind " If you can be all about Me then you will never need to worry about you. Let Me be about you. Your sight will then become my sight... your heart as mine. What you do will be only about the Father. What you will witness in these days will be unlike any other... this is where real truth is revealed the lies of humanity and it's desire to preserve and protect itself will fall into shards; like glass falling upon the foundation of Rock, the eternal truth...that lie so ready to be broken yet left untouched by so very many. In this day of true sight the heavens will be broken open and you will see the spiritual as clearly as the physical. Your breath will catch as You see my Glory revealed ... purpose will take on new meaning. Even suffering takes on a new cloak. When you ache and cry out it will not be for yourself it will be for those around you that both create, sometimes unknowingly, such depth of pain and brokenness and feel wave after wave of assault from this world. Your pain will not be lessened and instead may be increased but it is not borne alone... this pain is one that is shared shoulder to shoulder with Me. And as real as it is, it is wound inexplicably with cords of love and in your deepest mourning you will feel the depths of my undeniable love, passion and the strength of my presence.. for where you are, there I AM."

I close my eyes and try to contain the fact that You spoke this to me.

Journal entry...Dec 7/10

2011-09-05T08:41:00.000-07:00

So Jesus I have that unsettled feeling this morning but it isn't a bad thing ... it is that 'on the verge of something' feeling. I have no one to talk to about it except the only one who would understand it completely. For somehow, I think it is from You or in response to You being near me.

Too often I am afraid to step forward and I haven't known what to do with that but I want to neither be afraid of failing or of succeeding. I want to let that perspective fall away discarded as a useless view. I want instead to follow in obedience because of my love for You. For to be in either camp of failure or success does me no good but to force me to look at myself ... to become consumed with all things me and how I should handle it. The other, however, offers an existence in Your presence. A freedom to love as I follow You or walk alongside You or am carried by You.

Journal entry... Sept 5/11, 9:39am

2011-08-01T07:42:00.000-07:00

You tell me why things happen in the order they do.

You tell me why, when we see things play out, we aren't constantly on our faces in awe of a God that takes the time to love us so intimately and in the greatest of detail.

You tell me.

I connect somehow and I come to understanding through seeing and experiencing. There is always a huge limit to what I will experience through the day to day of my physical life. Decisions made will affect not only who I meet but where I am. Therefore it just stands to reason that there is just so many things I could never be apart of, to experience, or to know. However, I believe in God who isn't limited by anything. He seems to be using the 'sight' He's given me, to teach me and pull me along lines of understanding not just mentally but emotionally and spiritually. I am not sure to what degree others take what they watch and what they witness, what they hear in the emotion of another's voice and assimilate it into 'like feeling it for oneself' but I think God is using this avenue for me. Interestingly He isn't letting me rely on this alone for learning. He has been stretching me to KNOW and have FAITH in who He is ... apart from what I know (or in spite of what I know) He keeps putting into my days ... moments. Things that I could perceivably brush off (and unfortunately I'm sure I do far too often) . Sometimes they are... "did you see me there?" or "what if that is true... what does that mean to you? or where will a response from you lead?" Although many of my moments at the outset make me think this is so far beyond what I know or even have been taught that I feel that I must be the only one taking this step into the unknown. But on the other side of it (or in the midst of it) I think ... no I'm sure others are here, also being asked to enter into the understanding that leads to a living faith, but it may not look like me. In light of the fact that we are wonderfully made and with such individuality means that steps towards Him are also delightfully varied and when we are brave enough to share where and what God is doing with us it could, most possibly, draw out others to share and thus fill out the intimate knowing of Him within the body of Christ. The variety of ways is never in contradiction for when it is of God; He is. He cannot be anything but truth... He cannot be false.

So now I don't feel like I have to make you like me. And I don't need you to be like me so I don't feel alone. But I want to be brave and share myself lost in Him to you so that you will feel that much more free to share about Him in you. Nov. 17 10

2011-07-27T16:54:00.000-07:00

   Morning Jesus, I realize alot of things are true and alot are not. I realize while some things are eternal, I am still stuck in the temporal. I realize that there are some things I can never seem to find words for and they are often the things I wish I could spend most of my life immersed in... emotion thick enough in the reality of You that I could scoop up a handful of it and watch it slowly drip between my fingers. I continue to wrestle with just how much of You I can have while still here on earth.

   There is no darkness that is greater than Your light.

   Where will we meet Jesus?

Jesus it is much later and I know I only have a few minutes but I needed to come anyways. I have been thinking about You. I would love to meet. Earlier when I typed that what I thought of was... right where you are. And so I went ahead with the daily activities thinking of You. Jesus I think the thing I want most is to always be in Your presence and to always feel that connection with You. The wonderful ache of loving You and being loved by You. If we were together right now and right here I would want to hear You.... I would breathe in deep to see if I could catch a scent of You. I would feel Your hands on mine on this keyboard.
journal excerpt... Nov. 11/10

2011-07-26T20:46:00.000-07:00

   Half the day is gone Jesus but a thought won't leave me.

   Okay a while back, just after moving here, I remember the night where I asked if I could smell You. It made You laugh but here's what. Since that night I have had two specific times where I know I smelled Your presence. I know that will sound most bizarre to whoever might read this but... it's real. I believe it was linked to meeting someone and touching them, once a hug and once a handshake, but after a significant amount of time, when I smelled that scent, it was not them I instantly thought about ... it was You. It was one of those powerful and almost too overwhelming to comprehend moments when I realized it was You, because what basis do I have for that? So for my mind to wrap itself around that left me reeling. I have missed meeting You (with my senses) I really have.
   Another moment caught me off guard when I was talking to Shauna. I was recalling Brother Lawrence and the fact that You would literally show him a future situation You were sending him into so that he would confidently do it with absolutely no worry... that linked also with Daniel and how the progression of Your relationship led him to actually meeting You, hearing You and being touched by You. So in awe I was saying whoa why can't we be like that? I think about that now and wonder how do I forget what You do for me? With me?  How about when we love others with Your love and perhaps in not being able to comprehend it logically we don't realize just how miraculous it is... how close the supernatural is... The smell experience also reminds me of how You are really there in others. Huh.
excerpt from journal entry... Nov 8/11

2011-06-20T15:37:00.000-07:00

   Jesus I had a few thoughts while washing the dishes this morning; about our imperfection and how that is more a consistent thing than perfection. You are the only thing that is perfect I know that and in our hunger for You, I suppose ... in our longing to be like You, we long for perfection. However, our demand for and desire of perfection is tainted badly by our 'craver', our human nature, and it is used to justify our own faults as we hold up and judge those around us as... just as broken as us or more so (we think). We use it as power to elevate ourselves as we step on those who can lift us higher. Okay got on a bit of a tangent there... I was thinking of love.
   Loving one another... even this we don't do perfectly (except when You firmly take us out of the picture and pour out Your love through us) We could, even in the extreme of sacrificial love, do so in error. Thinking that our actions are in the best interest of the one we love we could make decisions and carry out action (even to our own detriment) that because we are not You we do without the full picture and thus err. So again I ask... why do we expect those around us to love us perfectly? They are not capable, only You are. Only You know us from beginning to end as well as understanding the big picture and the workings of the tapestry of this time here. I think we need to just let people be people leave the being God to You. It is only Your acceptance and approval that matter and in letting You be God we can enjoy the diversity of the people around us so much more because we are not internally asking them to fulfill what is only Your role in our lives. Brilliantly You binds us together as You work and show up through us and those around us. How deeply exciting is it to share that passion and sight of You with one another... and in sharing the desire to love and worship You alone, instead of one another, we gain a power that we can barely comprehend.

   You awaken something within me Jesus something bigger than I can grasp... something of brilliant color and at other times... the beauty of contrasts. The curves and lines of letters, the reckless abandon of emotion, the ability to speak to the one who looks at it... but not words of my own they are Your words and messages. Huh. And it is big. Beyond me for sure.

   We sit on a rocky outcropping ... it is smooth beneath us while the rock at our backs is warm with veins of color running through it. We sit side by side. The air is so still and it is as if a blanket of quiet has fallen over the whole view. I lean my head back against the rock wall and close my eyes to feel the sun's warmth and just to soak into my memory this whole experience. You slide over and pull me close, with Your arm around my shoulders. I am not anxious for anything but a wave of love rushes through me making a tear slide down in the face of the love I have for You.    Remember the motorcycle ride? Oh do I... even down the smell of Your leather coat... the speed and the light as it fell between the trees onto the abandoned road. And seeing You in the man still makes me almost laugh out loud... I loved that lesson! Hard to match would be the honor of ministry on the battlefield with You... these things are causing change in me.
   I can make color explode across this sky... or I can cloak it in the darkness and bring out the brilliance of the starry hosts. There is nothing I can not do. And yet You sit here with me.
   Thanks for coming to me in the ocean and getting up from the bench to tell me how much You loved me and were excited to see me. Thanks for holding me when I have nothing left inside... absolutely nothing. Thank You for letting me lie my head on Your lap and cry as You stroke my hair. Thank You for the city. Who am I ... really... to have You brilliantly draw me to You in a place and way that is so You but feels like You and me. You make me feel so special.
Oct. 19/10 journal entry.

2011-06-13T22:18:00.000-07:00

If I am not to let emotion rule me and I am to let You be about me instead of me. If I need to rest on what is Truth... who You are; then I need help right now. Jesus I am glad You KNOW me. I would be very lonely otherwise. How can anyone else ever be expected to fill that need that we have... to be KNOWN and loved despite it all. Jesus fill my heart and mind with where You want my thoughts and vision to be. Just had a thought... everyone around me judges me against a backdrop of what they think is perfect or ideal. I am not only unable to live up to anyone's standards (which interestingly will be different for every person) but it is as hopeless to try to do that, as it is to try to be 'good enough' for the salvation of my soul. We are not perfect so why do we keep expecting it of everyone around us? We are warped. Sadly.

I made it through most of today but I am here again on the threshold of allowing others to control me indirectly through reaction and response. I need to hold onto You and refocus.
Journal entry... Oct. 18/10

2011-06-12T13:07:00.000-07:00

   Jesus I did have a great night last night. The thing that stays with me still though is that You are right here with me. I want to be more and more aware of Your presence till it becomes tangible to me. I want this badly. For what else is there really? Everything spills out of You ... of us being together and KNOWING one another.
   Jesus? Yes? I want to call on Your 'plentitude' for me ... I am feeling that familiar ache of needing to be loved, seen and heard . I normally would look for it in others but I know that that will not satisfy this deep longing because it is You I actually hunger for. So I want to give You this loneliness because wrapped up in the desire to be near You is selfishness and insecurity too.
   Oh wow.. I just wrote that I wasn't going to look for this in others and what did I just do... I texted 3 people. Looking at it I see something interesting... when I am in an emotional place bad or good I often want to pour out some love on those in my life. It's like I want to make sure that others don't feel unheard or unloved... so I reach out.
   Jesus will You meet me today? Really meet me? I will wait here I can't seem to move.
... journal entry, Oct. 15/10

2011-06-11T21:43:00.000-07:00

Where are You right now? I don't think I can get much closer to you lol. How real and tangible can this become? Really real. Yah. Will You teach me to live this way? I can see fears dropping away like flies in that very real presence of You. I have a long ways to go and I need to be reminded all the time but I want to be here. Yah... I want you here too. :) I am crazy in love with You Jesus. And I you.

Oct. 14/10

2011-05-17T17:29:00.000-07:00

Jesus I am feeling a little lost this morning. Argh.

So Jesus, what are You doing today?
Walking by a river.
Cool.
Want to come?
Okay.
Who am I?
God.
So what about all your thoughts and worries?
I figure if I stay focused on You things will stay the proper size.
So can you do that?
With Your help lol.
Here's a rock throw it in.

In the river, the rock is completely immersed by the water. It becomes a small part of the river bed but pretty much at the mercy of the water, moved by it; gradually shaped by it.
Sit with Me here. Where are we?
We are sitting on a boulder looking at the river as it runs by, we can enter it or not, we can drink it or not, we hear it. With all it's strength and seeming endlessness we are not controlled by it.
It's rather exciting being with You there is so much enjoyment, freedom, possibilities. I like being with You.
Then stay with Me. Tired? Stay closer.

Love you Jesus. morning of Oct. 12/11

Well Jesus I made it through this day amazingly well... especially considering I've been on the doorstep of being sick. I think I managed to stay out of the river and stay by Your side instead. By Your grace alone. :) Have I mentioned that I love You lately? I really, really do. Interesting, that water holds so many lessons... I like what that book has to say... about the impact of a life lived with eternity as a focus instead of the present world. Nice. I think that was what today was all about.

journal entry night of Oct. 12/11

2011-05-11T07:44:00.000-07:00

Morning Jesus this week has zoomed by and it is crazy how little I have come to sit down by You.
So how are You doing? How are You feeling? What has been happening?

I sit on the edge of my chair eager to hear anything You share. This makes You smile. I like that. I saw You yesterday Jesus. :) It was in a look of JJ's while she sang and it was in the exchange of looks between a couple... I cannot describe just how beautiful that was. It nearly takes my breath away. Huh. I really love You. I reach out to touch You... I touch Your knee and then You offer Your hand. I grasp it in both of mine and sigh, I cannot get enough of You. I look up again into Your eyes and look... really look, at what You are saying. I love my people so bad it hurts... I ache for the time that all is as it is intended and You are all here where I have prepared a place for you. You are here with Me. I don't just see you, I feel... I know the pain you are walking through, I hear your cries of brokenness and loss. The heat of rage is not lost I feel it's intensity as it courses throughout your body. The tragedy of being wrapped in a blindfold of lies and what it wroughts out in your life ... I watch, I reach out, I speak truth that heals and frees, I speak a truth that rebukes and binds up the dark, I speak truth. I speak love. ... can you hear me? are you listening? Ache for Me... as I ache for you!
Oh that my arms are like the arms of all your Beloved... I stand up and move onto Your lap so that I can wrap You up in an embrace. I hold You with firmness, I hold You with purpose, I hold You in love. Oh that I could love You more. I draw back and touch Your face. You are so beautiful... how You can carry such depth of love and know such pain yet reflect such peace and love and joy... it's crazy to wrap my mind around. Your eyes smile at me ... what an amazing honor it is having this relationship with You... one that You don't need but You want. Huh.

Oct 8/10... journal entry.

2011-05-10T07:15:00.000-07:00

   I don't have much inside, Jesus, but I know I'd love to meet.

   If we were on a boat... we'd be where we can see no land. The sun would be warm and bright with the occasional clouds giving relief.  For a while, we lie down in the bottom of the boat and let the waves rock us. The sounds of the water against the boat and the movement soon put me fast asleep.
   In my dream we are standing in the dark then You reach for my hand and we start walking. When we sit down You are holding a ball of light between Your hands. You hold it up higher with one hand and with the other catch a drop of light that falls from it. Setting down the ball we come very close and look intently at the drop. People are walking by or running, sometimes with another, sometimes alone. There are hills of green grass and a very big leafy tree atop the highest hill. You incline Your ear to hear the softly spoken words of someone under the tree. I mimic You and listen in too. The words are heavy with the deepest sincerity and urgency. They long for Your presence.
   We are suddenly right there beside them.  As they lift up their voice to You, Father, Jesus too joins in and speaks in a tongue that eloquently and with complete understanding, intercedes for them.

... journal entry...Oct 4/10

2011-05-09T21:18:00.000-07:00

My head hurts Jesus and I didn't get a letter from You.

I realize that in the absence of physical things there hides a richer reality that far outweighs. I realize that You are my best friend and so much more. I hate that when I have a week that is far away, for it is just that. I miss You but even though my tears come I am thankful for what I don't have. I am thankful that in what I lack I am learning to come to You for. I am thankful that You honor me with that relationship.

I am sorry when I am late.

Oct. 1/10

2011-05-09T12:20:00.000-07:00

Okay so I need to wrap this concept around in my wee little mind.

I am, truly, NOT the main (character) person in life.

God...You are.

Hmmmm.

Sept. 29/10

2011-05-06T09:28:00.000-07:00

I don't know how to feel today... It is one of the first Sunday's in a while that I have felt so out of sorts. I used to feel like this all the time. Jesus I am kind of lost... enough that I don't even know what to talk about. How about You talk? Or we can meet and just share the silence together.

We are at the end of a long pier. There is built in seats along the railing but we climb up on the railing and sit down looking out across the water. The regular rhythm of the tide is nagging at the edge of our conscious awareness because our thoughts cast us out far... and wide... and deep. I know I am far too aware of myself, of spinning thoughts that circle and point to me, me, me. I am not happy here nor content. The crazy thing is I don't even really know what I am going on about yet it strands me on an island of discontent where the weeds of poor me grow strong and tall. I look over at You and want to ask... will You rescue me from here? Will You take me away from this place? Or do we need to talk about why I am here first? Your look is serious like You really want me to understand and know what You are about to say. Remember ... think about what I have been telling you lately. Well one of the strongest lessons is that under Your obvious authority and power we can exist in an almost unexplainable freedom that doesn't depend on circumstance or others or even ourselves.

...Sept 26/10 journal entry...

2011-05-05T10:38:00.000-07:00

His footfalls pounded in a rush of fear

Sending frenzied clouds of dust up in the stale dead air

He fights his way away from what threatens to suffocate

Killing that part of him he's hung onto

With tired and bleeding hands

Breaking out of the prison of invisible bars

He gulps in the night air filled with promise but mixed with the fallen

tears streaming down his face

He continues to run towards the light

Scared to blink that it might disappear he presses on

Despite the yelling and catcalls

He suddenly breaks into the circle of light; he stops

It's as if a hush has fallen upon the world

A single note calls out in a purity that hits his very heart

He answers back walking deeper into the light

He disappears as he is immersed in what he has known all along

The melodic and harmonic, minors and accidentals

Blending into a masterpiece of the Divine.

The mournful wail of the one left in the dirty corridor

Sounds in the discordant way of despondency and despair

Choosing not to leave

The familiarity of this broken lost way.

Sept 23/10
Hey Jesus... I love it when You help me really listen. I want to say with every fibre of my being... thank You.

2011-04-29T07:59:00.000-07:00

   So I cannot put words to what plays havoc with my soul. What I felt while seeing another's pain... my heart ached.
   Seeing, hearing, being with... the beauty of courtship again. And the utter brokenness of separation even when there is just so many unknowns.
   How music cries out what our souls feel. And that the songs most beautiful are often the ones that sing of the deepest pain. That the one who hears the song ... really hears... is not 'normal'. They are understanding words and emotions experiences that have never been spoken by a mouth nor penned by a hand. They not only understand or hear but they share in what other's are saying in another language. So what is the burden of the hearer? To tell. To acknowledge. To love.
   Jesus I ache for You. If we were together right now where would we be? We would take a walk of remembrance.
Past the place on the beach where we sat in the night listening to the ocean.
Looking back at the cove where we met and swam and talked along the ocean's edge.
Along the beach where we have spent time with others.
Looking up seeing that cave in the cliff where we sat many times protected and safe. Where, only later, we stood on the top of the cliff feeling the wind and elements.
That spot where I walked in the waves to be with You, where I cried and You came to me and took me to be with You.
We walk by the fountain that we splashed and played with Rachael and You so tenderly washed my father.
There is a new hill top here to the east of the fountain... it looks down upon the treetops that hide the village. From here the green hides what is beneath it's color. It seems to say all is well ... beauty, health, life but I know that under it's branches runs a river of such deep pain and brokenness that it's almost hard to fathom that pain and beauty can exist so close together. Does the proclamation of the trees tell a lie then? No. It is the bigger truth; the reality of You and Hope. Of You and Life ... of the only kind of life that can bind and heal and grow us up out of the pain. You rescue and redeem. Hmmm. While sitting here looking ... I noticed I sat alone. Curious. But what I was looking at was the expression of You. Therefore we were both here after all. You make me smile. It's neat to see You big too.
journal entry... Sept 23/ 10

2011-04-28T10:13:00.000-07:00

   Morning Jesus, although we only had the briefest of moments last night I am so thankful for it. It is interesting how You have worked everything out for tonight and I appreciate again Your deep thoughtfulness for such minute things. A new day and one where the snow is falling once again. I find it quite comforting. Lol surprise, surprise. Jesus I sure would appreciate You sorting out my thoughts today... help me go in Your direction alone and Jesus please guard my youth group. Help the relationships be healthy and find roots that bind in You and Your Spirit. I do not want the enemy to gain any footholds.

   Where were we last night? Sitting at a big wooden table. It was light all around so we were surrounded I assume by many windows. It felt a bit like the Ford's place but different.

   I have half a cup of hot iced tea and I want to spend these few minutes with You too. What would You like to talk about Jesus? Maybe we could just sit awhile. Yah that'd be just right. And so we sit. At first just side by side, we are on our bench but the snow is falling all around us. As we watch the flakes silently drift down You reach over and hold my hand intertwining Your fingers with mine. I unconsciously respond by resting my head on Your shoulder. Stop worrying. Respond as I lead You. Do as I have taught You. By worrying you are trying to solve and figure it out on your own. Stop it. Did I do anything on my own? No. I shake my head trying to dispel the dregs of all my musing and worry and fretting . Choosing to let the voices fade to the background I look up at You. Your face is very serious but Your eyes are alive with emotion and attention, nothing hidden from Your gaze. And yet I do not desire to look away but want to be seen by You. After a while You gently pull me back towards You to rest my head once again on Your shoulder. Everything is so quiet I can almost hear the patter of the snowflakes coming to rest wherever the stirring of the wind has chosen for them to go.

Journal entry April 14/11

2011-04-11T08:18:00.000-07:00

   I have a story to tell. I am not a great orator and so I must rely on words... written words. I want to share with you about a journey I embarked upon during last year's lent season. Despite a many "are you really sure God?" conversations it became very clear that I was to give up dwelling on past mistakes and regrets. Interestingly I was almost immediately challenged by a friend with the question ... is that even really possible? I told them I'd get back to them and let them know.
   There is a part of me ... a rather sad part I admit... that was seemingly stuck in living over and over my failures and my regrets. I would pull them out at the strangest of times and for that time I would be immersed in my reliving the scene and rehearsed speeches; my "if only I had another chance" and my apologies. And please understand there are curious things we carry as regret not all are big moments that involved others some are just something you know you didn't do when you should have. As small as not doing a play during a basketball practice in high school and why. Oh and God totally set this up let me assure you. Driving back home from Mexico we had FRS radios between our vehicles and so would be able to talk to one another. My brother-in-law and I got into a conversation about fear (as I was anxious at the border crossing) and how we let it live in our lives without us even raising an eyebrow at it in fact we makes plans around it and to accommodate it so it won't be disturbed let alone routed. And what that says about us... do we actually realize whose we are? Who God is?

Around the same time as God challenged me to give up my regrets and failures for lent I was deeply impacted by the words of Brother Lawrence. He became so aware of the presence of God that it affected everything in his life. He came to do absolutely everything for the love of God. Even a mundane task of sweeping or peeling potatoes in the kitchen. Here's a few lines from the book; one about him being kept in constant awareness of God's presence "if he sometimes strays from this Divine presence, God immediately recalls him by communicating with him through the Holy Spirit. This often happens to him when he is busiest with his work. He responds faithfully to God's calling, either by offering his heart to God, by a tender , loving look, or by some affectionate words, such as, "my God, I am all Yours; do what You will with me." Then, it is almost as if this God of love returns to his soul to rest again, satisfied with these few words. and the second excerpt is about sin. "Brother Lawrence was aware of his sins and was not at all surprised by them. "That is my nature," he would say, "the only thing I know how to do" He simply confessed his sins to God, without pleading with Him or making excuses. After this, he was able to peacefully resume his regular activity of love and adoration."

   So I took some time and have to say struggled to grasp what it meant to do everything for the love of God and In love to Him. Cooking, cleaning, shop work... but I started to apply it even though I was only hanging on to it by my fingernails. And here is what I found... freedom. I found that when I cooked a supper for the love of God ... doing my very best... my feelings of worthiness of happiness didn't rest in my waiting to hear someone from my family tell me they thought it was good or to thank me... I already felt the joy of doing it for Him. This released my family from an expectation they probably didn't even know I was holding. It took the pride and the feeling of rejection completely out of the picture because I was already content in Him.

   Now let's get back to the wheel of regret (I cannot present one without the other because they are so interwoven) Now... when an all too common thought of regret came it was almost as if it were in neon lights it was just that obvious and so instead of entertaining it and pouring us tea... I turned to Jesus and said ... well here I am this is what I do. Jesus if there is anything You want to teach me through this or want me to repent of please point it out and help me deal with that otherwise Jesus please help me only look at You instead. Now I am not kidding you... He did it. Instead of wasting time I kept my focus on Him and it was gone. I cannot describe the excitement the amazement I felt each time this happened. Now He continued to deepen this lesson for me and pointed out that we can also be distracted and oh so cleverly guided into that "all about me" category by not just negative things but positive things too. We do something right and good with Jesus but then take on ourselves the responsibility of doing it again. I must admit the lesson was a tough one but it was very clear. In that realization my eyes were opened to whole lot more; this living and having it be all about Him instead of all about me was not just neatly boxed and categorized in my life and one of the biggest things was fear.

   Now many months have gone by and I was reminded again of these lessons I thought I'd learned why? well it wasn't because I was living them instead ... there was a moment this summer that saw I not only had forgotten to live this way but I was back to being completely immersed in me. The shock of that thought gave me instant perspective I tell you. But let me fast forward to a week ago. I was at home one day and had come to see an 'argghh I messed up' and was feeling bad about it I was about to on and on about it when Jesus pulled me up short and said hey ... do you just want to deal with it right now and then we can be done with it? And I responded ummmm yah ... A few days after that it happened again I messed up and was going down the beat myself up road when again Jesus stopped me and asked... hey you can go down that road but would you rather just deal with it here and now and be done? There was something that clicked that time. It was like a light bulb went on. OH... you mean I can actually live this way? Yes. I don't have to go back to the only ways I know? I can actually live beyond myself ... I can actually live in You? Yes. oh okay yes I would like that! Now the overwhelming sense of joy that flooded me in this moment of realization is beyond words and I also had the sense that with that understanding it was time for another step ... another season of lent ... but after explaining this to a friend the thought that came was perhaps it shouldn't be so much a time of giving up but of doing. The sacrifice of time and activity to do something. A commitment to pray or discipline of reading the Word, a learning to do things out of love for Him... to talk to Him more and more.

   All of this is to say we have an awful lot of stuff in our lives that are dead. Things we shouldn't be carrying or allowing to distract us from our God that has given the ultimate sacrifice for us... has already made the way ... has died and risen that we might live in freedom... how many of us are still bound by regret of what we've done or not done... would not the words of do not worry fall into this same category for who of you by worrying adds even one hour to your life? These are life stealers. How about our fears? Fear of rejection that ties our hands when we really want to reach out and give someone a hug? fear of not being good enough? fear of not being perfect? fear of???? How many of us only live half way? because we adapted to living with that dead thing for so long perhaps we are even blinded to what is holding us back from the freedom of actually living in Him ? Living beyond ourselves cause guess what it isn't all about me... it's all about Him.

2011-03-04T17:58:00.000-08:00

It's kind of like the surreal scene of a simple guitar that plays a melody so simple and sweet drowning out any sound of the scene playing out before your eyes of violence, death, loss and hurt. The two are so bizarrely opposite and yet. What is it? There is something that shows up in those sick and dark moments... like a thread of hope or beauty perhaps a truth and that one tiny thing has more power than everything else that is playing out before us. It silences it. You are that.

You have that power.

You the Holy God of all that is... show up in our darkest moments.

Your presence helps the helpless hold on, the broken have hope.

You redeem.

It's an unfathomable act...

2011-02-25T07:22:00.000-08:00

Morning Jesus....
  Okay I've learned another lesson ... In this courtship I need to take more and more time to KNOW You. Just a little is not what satisfies or keeps one happy... yah that was lame. Yikes where was my head? Anything that pulls me away from You is given more power for another time, to do it again and for longer. To actually look at the time of separation (not You from me but me from You) is horrific really because to be anywhere without You is so devastatingly empty. Lifeless. No temporary thing would ever be worth it.
Okay I got that.
   And it's a funny thing I've gotten things all along this road and I always think 'okay I know this now' but I see, looking back, that we can always KNOW it on a deeper level or in a different (very applicable) sense. It's like we never fully know. Huh there's a verse with that one lol. And so we travel on picking up what in some ways looks like the same lesson over and over but no... often it seems like the same thing but it is teaching a deeper truth or asking us to step into a deeper Knowledge which affects our walk with You our courtship (relationship) with You.
   Therefore... I will look up and into Your face and say I am sorry this is what I allow within and where I am. Please forgive me and bring me back to You and further into You. Left on my own I cannot. And we face forward and take a step in unison and I am glad.

So I just had a thought Jesus does this experience make me ready to share my time of lent?
journal entry Sept 21 10

2011-02-17T07:55:00.000-08:00

   Jesus I am so filled with You. That desire to live this life so fully fills me till I cannot express it ... I want to be completely Yours.

   Jesus can we meet? I have to say this... Jesus, I want to be so close to you that I know what to say and when to whomever You desire. This emotion I feel is so real and I know that I am only on such a small square of it and that knowledge just fills me with such awe. Only in Your timing and will, as everything always hinges on You. I guess I just thirst for it ... for it all. : )
   Live life with the knowledge of what this life is Be enraptured by it ... hold onto it all with both hands and hear me whisper and call and speak the truth of love of Myself into all situations, all seasons, all experiences. Live not looking and going through the motions of the necessary and unnecessary but let it be literally immersed by My presence, My voice, My purpose, My love, My call. I chose you Tam, in that dream at Yellowstone National park... I know you remember. I chose you and you know that now, though you only know in part ... now, is not the time we get to be together fully... this is our time of courtship... of getting to KNOW Me... and you seeing and experiencing how I KNOW you. Remember when I held your face and told you I loved you? Hear Me again.

Jesus it is painful how time flies by during these intimate moments I only have a few minutes left. Maybe only a few moments left at the computer but can that stop us from being together? Can I not walk with You constantly, talking and sharing Myself and My love for you? Can I not enable you to have that heart of flesh, that heart and mind always wanting Me and My ways? Enabling your ears to hear and eyes to see? Is there anything I cannot do? You can, I limit myself by myself too often. Teach me to live in You instead. Never to be content anywhere else.

.... journal entry Sept 20 10

2011-02-09T19:12:00.000-08:00

A portion of a journal entry Sept 20/10

Hey Jesus... so a few things are rolling around in my mind...

   ... purity... as one of the deepest expressions of love. So in this time here on earth it is that time isn't it? Where we realize Your love and how our love responds to Yours as we journey down a path of discovery and revelation. There is anticipation and delight at each new thing we learn about one another and how Your touch redeems, restores, frees and heals us. It is preparing us to be Your bride. Two thoughts... one, monks really caught something didn't they. Secondly, some think of this time here to be endured until something better comes BUT You want to KNOWN by a bride that comes (in free choice) to KNOW You which leads to such a depth of relationship. You never leave Your beloved broken and bleeding but desire to reach out and hold as You heal and free in Your continuing and faithful love.

   Our time here is like a courtship. And what You give is not flawed in any way. It is characterized by such a depth of purity which far exceeds our attempts to express love ... that purity tells such a tale of a true and sacrificial love that cannot be matched. I am coming to think that when the world tells it's stories of love, it is proof of Your existence .... Your existence in us.  We long for You, which means we long for this kind of love and it comes through over and over and over... through our art, our writings, our theatre and movies... again and again the things that moves our souls is in the description of what real love looks like, feels like, acts like... it breaks our hearts to witness even a glimpse of it because we know that we know that this is real and we are far from it. Yet we want it. So briefly back to the monks and of course for me Brother Lawrence. He lived a life in love to You. He really caught it. There is something to be heralded about the one who lives to be God's alone. Shauna said she would love to be a monk how brilliant is it indeed... living Your life to God and for God required to only do the necessity of living and dedicating all other time to You alone... and really being allowed to not live by the world's standards of success / failure expectations culture etc. Okay, but here's the rub... wouldn't it be even cooler if these amazing people could live not cloistered away (for most of the time) but live among us who choose really, to be so interconnected with the world and it's ways. But hang on perhaps that can't happen because part of their purpose it to remind and inspire and 'give permission' (not literally) for us to live differently exactly where we are.

2011-02-06T19:19:00.000-08:00

Hey Jesus ... it has been a couple of days. My heart has been calling to You alot lately, often in a confused and lost way. Lost because I feel like I don't recognize where I am. The only thing that is familiar is the ache for You... that takes over inside and washes over me with an intensity that sometimes leaves me breathless. You know there are sometimes Jesus that I am more afraid of myself than anything else. What really is scarier or more threatening than what we are capable of inside our own hearts and souls? What can pull us away from You easier than our own voices, our own vices ... the pride that has so many faces to hide it's ugliness. What of our desire for control? Our desire for our own happiness and comfort? The sheer ignorance of our indecent and indignant demand for what we deserve... what we are entitled to? In the clarity of this moment I see just how sacrificial You are by stepping into our lives and asking us to surrender. The biggest sacrifice is not what we are giving up. It is what You do... what You are willing to do... what You have already done so You would be always right there ready to step in, to pour out, to hold us before the word has even left our lips. We are so sadly deluded into thinking that You are asking so much of us. It all leaves me a little sick inside, at the extent of the facade we hold onto with a grip that leaves gouges, threatening wounds that will fester and bleed.

I sit here a little stunned and what I think is this. There is something I want to ask for Jesus... first Jesus, Father and sweet sweet Holy Spirit... I want a relationship with You more than anything (fully aware that I fail miserably at this over and again). Next is, I know my battle with the carefully erected facade will not leave without constant and vigilant battle so I want to ask You, Jesus, for a weapon. I want to ask that You would place in the deepest part of my heart a picture or word or ??? of the truth. The truth of living in You... and what that really required and requires of You... yes You not me. We've masterfully twisted it and I don't want to anymore. I want to fight against that part of me. I don't know where this will take me but Jesus knowing that I will need You for all of it sits right with me.

2011-01-18T08:17:00.000-08:00

Journal entry Sept 16/10

   So I was on quite a high yesterday... you are so cool. And it's not that anything of consequence happened I just felt You and it flooded me with such joy.
   Wanna meet? My thoughts go to the building again and I hesitate in front of it. Is it just because I cannot fathom what is inside? Your hand is on the doorknob... I smile at You ... this is so crazy... I cannot help but laugh out loud. Shrugging my shoulders, I watch as You turn the handle and push the door inwards. You step in with the door and reach behind Yourself as you step catching my hand and pulling me forward with You. All I see is darkness at first but there is no fear here... none. We walk down a hallway that is now dimly lit by a room at the end of it. My fingers touch and trail along the wall as we walk. The floor is an old, worn wooden floor and the sound of our feet on it (hang on I thought we had shoes on at first but we are barefoot) ... the floor only gives away our presence by occasional creaks and groans in the memory of thousands of steps taken here. The darkness when we entered was of deep purpose. It eases all anxiety of those entering in... like a blanket thrown over one's shoulders which says you are welcome here just as you are... come be heard, come be safe. The light at the end of this hallway beckons us out of the darkness into a warmth of being present; where you feel that you've been waited for... not for what you have or bring ... just for you, your presence. I turn my head to see where we are headed and I catch You glance back with a smile. We step out of the hallway into a room that at first feels small and comfortable but is strangely large... almost like it can absorb any number of people who and when they arrive. There is a fire burning in the fireplace I see two chairs on either side of it and think it will just be You and I but those chairs are part of a greater circle. I glance around at the people sitting around the room and receive smiles and expressions of excitement and anticipation. I see You, Jesus, in these faces and I chuckle as my eyes come back to You. It is bizarre to grasp the intimacy that this group obviously shares. Jesus, I am suddenly filled with such a burden and desire to touch each one and pray for their protection and safety. I am filled with love for each one here and I can see that it being reflected back in their faces.
   We sit around in this circle, most of us, on the edge of our seats eagerly listening and sharing and connecting. There is laughter at the sheer abundance of Your greatness... this love that we share ... it is You. All our senses soak it up... just breathing in gives such a deep contentment that spreads throughout and it cannot be helped but to pour and radiate back out to all in this circle.
   Every now and again we hear someone coming down the hallway and into the room, at first with eyes only for You but then looking and seeing us all here. Their expression says so much and there is always another chair, just ready. The conversation and sharing never seems to be interrupted, each one is absorbed in as if they've been there all along, they join in with an ease that is again ... You. I don't know how many are in this circle but it's never too big. I look over at You at one point and see such a look on Your face. You return my look and then, for a moment, close Your eyes smiling in such a deep satisfaction... You rest Your head back on the chair... letting out a deep breath. When You open Your eyes they flash with delight and love and mischievousness?? at the brilliance of Your ways and plans. Lol. You make me happy way down deep Jesus. There is more to this building isn't there. Hmmm.

2011-01-17T08:01:00.000-08:00

Hey Jesus it is past my bedtime but I need to get this down. I think I have experienced something new today. I believe You walked me through regret that I saw and acknowledged; then looking at You and remembering who You are... I went on.

2011-01-16T15:54:00.000-08:00

Dearest Reader,
I'm so glad you are here... welcome.  Pull up a chair, grab a hot drink and join Jesus and I.
Journal entry Sept 13/10

   Morning Jesus, I just realized I meant to look in Your Book before coming here this morning, opps. I would love to talk to You about the whole word leadership that I've heard come up this weekend. Huh. And I want to get more from You about the whole Sunday thing. I think, though, that I want to first thank You so deeply for yesterday morning, that was the coolest ... a meeting, a lesson, an understanding huh.

   Where would You want to meet this morning Jesus? Oh cool... we are outside of the building. We are across the street from it, in it's shadow, sitting on a park bench. That's something to note. There are two park benches, kind of on angles, on the wide sidewalk. The street lamps that line the street are an old fashioned kind that leaves the wanderer of these streets with a pretty cool feeling. There are also two trees growing here, they are still pretty young but beautiful... lots of leaves yet thin enough to let the dappled light play on the sidewalk. We seem to do alot of the sitting and thinking or just sitting and being together. I've come to relish these times. I suppose if I had to put it into words it feels like alot of things. It feels like loving ... it feels like preparation or the opposite letting what has happened sink in... it often feels like we are talking even though it isn't with words or is with very limited action, kind of like... hmmm... soul talking? Which I've come to feel at different times (or recognize). Dear Reader... remember when I saw myself talking and being with Jesus but I didn't know what we were talking about and that stumped me for a moment but then I caught it we do that alot .. it's like our souls often talk out of that deep need and want to be together and it doesn't always require my conscious mind to put words to it. What would it look like to see it? It would be... two people, enamoured with one another, that talk about everything and want to know and experience everything that the other has... their dreams, plans, wonderings and revelation of the dark and sad places, the struggles, the failures... but also the victories, the things learned and dreams borne of that ... it is the desire to connect so deeply and never be separated but only bound tighter by it all... love, pain, understanding, delight, laughter, wonder and the continual experience of a closeness that is never sated.

2011-01-14T10:17:00.000-08:00

Journal entry Sept. 12/ 10.

   Jesus it is Sunday morning and I am wondering why do I wake up nervous every Sunday? Is it just a very good reminder to put it squarely in Your hands? Jesus I want Your Words to be spoken, I want to give all that I am to serve and love You out loud.

   Can we quickly meet before I go out and face the big world?

   We seem to be back on the mountain.... looking over the cliff and I am sitting on Your lap resting back against You. Even though the air is crisp with newness there is no discomfort. It actually just makes things more exciting. I take time to look at Your hand that has held mine so many times. Your hand is big and strong .... it's a hand that has handled everything. And well. You hang onto us for impossibly long times when we are lost and unable. You soothe and wipe away tears with a touch. You connect with us in laughter and delight and release. You are so fun. You are so real. You send me to my knees in awe and thankfulness and love from a deeply humbled heart. My time slips away and I will have to get ready soon.

   Jesus I'm back I have no where I want to be but here. Hey is there anyone who needs to be here with us?

  Okay that's cool... lol... The man from the village. The first man we prayed for; he has a pretty big smile on his face. He's just gotten here from an early morning climb :) huh. He makes me want to laugh out loud in delight. He looks pretty satisfied as he sits looking over the cliff and into the expanse stretched out in front of us. Does he see us? I get the feeling he doesn't ... weird. I like being near him.... hang on... it's You in him... NICE! He looks over as if overhearing my thoughts and gives me a wink. This is all apart of my learning to see isn't it. I get up and walk over and sit on the opposite side of him ... now it is the three of us You, him and me side by side. I'm really close to You aren't I... even over here. lol. What I mean is when I am anywhere and I look and love and desire to serve the one You send my way I am going to be really close to You. You will be in that person, I just need to see it. And when I catch that vision I will catch something deeper. I will catch perspective, desire and purpose, I will catch that the You in him wants to be as free as possible to love and minister and heal and give life to the one You are in and to shine out of and to work through... You don't want to be left as "unreachable", You don't want to be given up on, ... what we do to the least of these we do unto You. Huh that makes reaching out a whole lot less scary cause You are already there and I know (basically :) what You want.

2011-01-13T09:29:00.000-08:00

Dear Reader,
This next post is an excerpt from my journal Sept 10/10. There are times in taking leadership that things for a moment spin out of control... inside. Feeling overwhelmed... at a loss for direction or having ability... and at times it's fear. This was one of those moments.

Jesus can we hang out somewhere? How about somewhere we can only hear. You want to close your eyes anyways? :) Okay. In the darkness I feel You grab and hold my hand. You pull me in to the crook of Your arm and I sit without moving. Nothing is pulling me any direction and it feels somewhat like when I lay down on a super comfortable bed and I sink in and feel the tenseness drain out of my body. You are sweet Jesus. To be willing to just sit here with me. I try to think but I can't yet it hurts too much in the back of my head. This is going to sound so bizarre to anyone that reads this but the only thing I know is that You do have a scent. The other day while driving home from grocery shopping I caught a smell and it made me think instantly of You. To link a smell or scent to You is significant because in my mind it is only with a closeness hard to descibe that this is so. The reason I linked it to You the other day was because it was in the middle of nowhere and when I caught it like I said my thoughts went instantly to You and experiencing You being very near.

2011-01-12T19:45:00.000-08:00

Journal entry Sept. 6/10

Morning Jesus thanks so much for the Scriptures yesterday... I know that they were the right ones :) May Your Hand and Your power reach out and touch us all... moving us to You as a body.
I am so intrigued with the message You sent to me through Glenn. It excites me to no end, on one hand, because it affirms to me that You have a specific purpose for me.... not just a general one but a place for me to be. Wow. (I don't know if you, Reader, understand what I am feeling but there are so many things in our walk that we all strive to and work towards and in general share a common purpose in carrying out and that is excellent and right but to have the knowledge that there is purpose for me as an individual too BUT as part of a whole makes me feel wildly loved) So Jesus I want to ask everyday that You'd give me Your eyes and heart. I cannot possibly, of course, carry out Your desire for me on my own AT ALL. But that is the delightful part isn't it ... it requires us to always be together united sharing ... YES! I love that!

Jesus I want to spend some time with You right now to prepare me for this day... We are sitting on the edge of a cliff. It is early in the morning and there is still alot of mist and clouds covering what is beneath us but only in patches as it is moving on unseen breezes with a stealthy ease. We are covered in the morning sun, however, and I am glad. Our feet swing in the nothingness and it makes me chuckle to see them. No fear is present. As we gaze out together it is like watching the world wake up. Little things at first and then sweeping changes in mood and color and thus time. I want to ask what am I to see here with You ... but it doesn't feel like the right question. I want you to practice seeing... sometimes it needs to be big and sweeping and sometimes it needs to be noting the small 'worldly insignificant' things. You smile and I feel it throughout my whole soul. My smile beams back at You, returning what You seem to pour into me with just a look. I bring my knees up and hug them as I again look out again to soak up what I see. I see promise. A turning over that means change but hope. I move over to You sitting on Your lap and leaning back against Your chest... Jesus what were all those little birds sitting on the low branches and on the ground in front of me in my dream last night? And why could I just pick them up putting them on branches... moving them? Why did some fall between the branches to the ground again? I only remember one not wanting me to move it but I think I did in the end. And that horrifically beautiful hawk waiting just waiting with it's wings ready to swoop down and snatch them up... that was horrible but I only saw the swoop down and then the sight was gone. They felt helpless didn't they, the little birds. Yes. And it was startling at first, unsettling, but it didn't stop me from touching them. I have to say I felt so clumsy and ill prepared when they fell to the ground again, like I needed to learn what I was suppose to do. There were just so many of them. Yes there were. Were they people? Hmmm. I feel Your answer more than I hear it... the sound coming from Your chest like a low hum. What's happening? Exactly what you are seeing... a renewing of day that is change but it is change filled with hope and purpose. Okay. I am so relieved to be on Your lap right now because I feel if I was anywhere else I would be afraid. When I feel this way I remember when I went from Your embrace into what was like sinking right into Your chest... and into Your heart I was so safe there. Then I got to see what You were seeing. I am not letting go of you Tam... I don't want to. You make me weep in relief and in the face of Your love I am so humbled and broken and yet so wanting of it to never leave me.... Your words are always just right. I love You Jesus. I wipe my tears away and look down beside us... there is the tiniest of flowers amidst the rock and moss of this mountain and it is beautiful. It is blue and even though it is so slender and frail looking, look where it has grown. huh.

2011-01-11T19:32:00.000-08:00

Journal entry Sept. 3/10

   Jesus I am here and hungering again for You.

   We hold hands as we walk along the forest path. It is cool out and the breeze reminds us of seasons passing and coming. I had a thought Jesus. I know You hunger and ache to be with Your bride... and Your bride, although so flighty, at times grasps the revelation of understanding and is filled with such a deep want of You and You alone. I know that time is not for us to contend with but I cannot help but think about the wait You are enduring till we are with You. As well as the weight of that ache that You shoulder and have carried for so long. It hurts my heart to think that You are so near and yet we are not what we will become nor what we need to become to fully be with You. This makes me turn to You and I reach up with my hands. I hold Your face and look deep in Your eyes and say... soon. Our eyes fill with tears and hearts with words to many to be spoken but we relish together the sharing of this thought and weight. You lift me up and we spin around, laughing. I spread out my arms and look up at the treetops spinning around. Closing my eyes, I breathe deeply.
   When I open them up we are sitting on a rock. For a long time no word is spoken; I turn to You... If I just spend my time here being with You is that alright? Yes it is cause everything will flow out of that. Your smile is just so .... full of emotion. I am just so sorry Jesus when I hurt You and make You feel lonely. I mean that in the small realm of me and in the hard to comprehend huge sense of Your body, the bride. We want You, You know. I can not help but laugh (sadly) at the absurity and irony of so much that happens.
   You stand up and reach for me. We continue to walk. I wonder if my life will ever tell a story that will help save someone? Purposefully You look down into my face and give me a wink and a smile as You squeeze my hand. You know... I know what you are thinking and feeling and even though you laugh at yourself when you see how easily you want so much and desire to do significant things .... you can never outdream Me. What I want for You and I are beyond what you'd even allow yourself to think. What I desire for your life is on such a grand scale that it dwarfs what feels like, for you here, such a long long time with so many unknowns. You can so trust Me with dreams and desires and wants... I will fill you in such a better and perfect way... I love you and I want you too. One day we will sit together and look back at a masterpiece painted by My Hand. I think I am slowly learning to be closer to You Jesus I'm not sure why that brings tears to my eyes except that I think about what I have missed and most likely still will at times and I think how? ... seriously. However the tears are also such a deep gratitude of wonder at what You do ... what You are so willing to do... in each of our lives. hmmmm. You make me feel so good within. You are crazy good. I love You.

2011-01-07T21:09:00.000-08:00

Dear Reader,
   There has been a bit of a pause in my blogging as of late but for a very interesting reason. However, before that comes out I do want to finish off my summer journal and catch up to some current time blogs lol.
Here is my Journal entry from Aug 24/10

   Morning Jesus... It is a new week and a significant one at that. The last week of summer. I am just crazy wanting to know You more this week.

   Hmmm.... this summer. You have been declaring Your presence in each rainfall. You carry me when I cannot. You fill me with feeling when I have no clue how or what to feel. You have drawn me closer to You. You have taught me to do this more during the day than just when I journal. You have helped heal some pretty deep hurt and resentment. You have been busy this summer. Thank You with all that is in me. I love You.

   Where are we? We are sitting opposite each other. (I love that cause it means we are looking right at each other) I can not possibly ever be close enough to You. I can not help but smile out of my awe and delight at being in Your presence. What do I need to hear today Jesus? My voice. Okay.... help my ears be open and hearing please. What do I need to see today? My face. I want this with all my heart. Does anything else matter more highly than this? No. What about stress? No. What about being organized and worried and consumed with getting things done the way you want? No. I will seek Your face, Your righteousness, Your voice, I will respond to You and walk in Your ways and I will trust You to carry me through this time of not having whatever I think I need. Jesus... I will hang onto You when I feel those things rising up.
   We are walking. It feels like a darker path perhaps more a fall path? But without colors, huh. We reach for each other's hand and when we actually grasp hands it is a strong grip. It radiates comfort and strength and desire through me. That's something for today isn't it... feeling the strength of Your hand holding mine. Nice.

It's still today but I have to end it with You Jesus. Holy Holy Holy. I just love You so much Jesus. I can not breathe without You.

You got me through this day.
You hung onto my hand.

I do not know what to write.... I want to tell You just how much my soul and body and mind love You but I am without words that even come close.
   Does anyone need us tonight Jesus? Is the girl okay? What I see is something exciting and beautiful. She is happy and running about in the forest with wonderful delight of purpose... she is creating. She sets up with twigs and vines around what is like crystal all around her hut and down paths. Their sole purpose is to reflect light in a way that is so beautiful. And because they are hanging there doesn't seem to be anywhere they cannot be... as they sway on breezes and with forest movements the light flashes and splashes seemingly everywhere. And it isn't just light that is playing there is laughter too that is carried on and on into the forest like a call of hope. I fail to be able to express the depth of this beautiful moment. hmmmm. :)

2010-12-15T17:46:00.000-08:00

Journal entry Aug 21/10

Hey Jesus.

   I think I talk a bit too much lol... which is so funny, cause I don't share only to then run on without thinking, huh. But I want to think now because I have left a few unfinished conversations and perhaps will have the opportunity to talk about them later.

   I am at the end of a summer that has been so filled with the undeniable presence of You (Jesus) carrying me as You helped me set my emotions aside be filled with the desire to be there for my family as we handled the dying and then death of my Dad. There were moments I literally felt You at my side all day and with such clarity that I was left in a state of humble adoration of You and Your merciful love by the end of the day. Bizarrely and immediately afterwards I have had weeks where I got caught up in the mechanics of living, taking care of business and becoming a bit too wrapped up in myself, forgetting to meet with You. Hating where I was You rescued me and wooed me back into Your arms. (Thankful for prayers of the saints around me) You gave me excitment for Yourself and a desire to share this with others when I know through and through it was not me on any level but again just You mercifully moving within my soul. I have had a time when I thought... hang on, I need to think about me... and experiencing even surfacely the danger of teetering on this edge of self absorbtion. Of course, to increase the danger, couple that with having a time of self condemnation and doubt when I heard a negative observation about a ministry that I was leading.

   Jesus, I have heard that You talked to Marg and then she waited 15 years for the fulfillment of Your Word to her. I read about Your nation trainwrecking with a horrible leader and they are called out by Your Word but then they seem to go on unscathed for 7 years before Your judgement is met out. I read, this morning, about the rash word of Jephthah, whose vow ended the life of his own daughter. Finally, I read about the humble and deep faith of a centurion who asked for Jesus help yet did not insist on seeing Him or even having come into his home to touch his servant but said (in my own words) You are a Holy Man with such great authority just speak it and it will be done I am not worthy of Your presence in my own home.
   I personally have flirted with being overly 'self' concerned BUT luckily I spoke it out first to You... and You said... "Why are you worried about You? Isn't that my job? If I am taking care of you can you trust me to carry you emotionally too?" When I sought out counsel about my own emotions and grief... Marge's first words were, "aren't we suppose to go to You (Jesus) immediately?" A warning, really, came through Glenn in the words "to think that we need to take care of ourselves (emotionally) cause we feel it needs to be done ... can be a dreadful mistake for it prolongs and turns us down sideroads that do not need to be travelled and causes more stress." Then, finally, You added the brilliant testimony of Tammy... her story declaring the necessity for a dicipline of hanging onto what is true and right and Holy (amidst deep spiritual and physical battles.) To become consumed with You alone and to feel that everything else surrounding us is just that ... second to You... not getting caught up in the crap of life emotionally, humanly, etc because we just need to concern ourselves with You (Jesus) and being obedient to You... staying and living in Your light of truth.

   All of that to say... I think there is a bigger picture in what I flirted with. One of my first thoughts is that this is a lesson in something we need to pray over within our church body. As we grow (in numbers or just inside) we are different and beautifully diverse children that think, see, and have differing perspectives. When in our ministries and walks we come up against a differing opinion we do not need to spiral into a mode of self condemnation nor a stance of defence. Realistically this is a common response we gravitate too and because it can easily cause divisions and distractions to what is really going on I sincerely believe that we need to cover our body with the prayers against this kind of fog that can become a very effective attack. To go back to You (Jesus) immediately and recheck are we following Your leading broadly and specifically? Are we straying slightly? Are we being challenged to a new level? Or do we need, for now, to note this comment or opinion and stay open to see if You (Jesus) are speaking it through others so that You are not just moving us individually in a new or specific way but are wanting the body to come along with us in the direction.

   (To the body of Christ) We can trust Jesus with it all. We can trust Him to carry us through even the deepest and seemingly hardest emotional struggles. In trusting Him we need to give Him the situation and doggedly hang onto obedience to Him alone and staying in His light, His Holiness, His truth. Let us not jump ahead of Him let us be sensitive ourselves and for those around us for the flags of warning... (fruit of the roots of bitterness... anxiety, stress, anger, pulling away) Let us not travel down hard roads that are not necessary. (And even if some of us choose to go down those roads and thus as a body we are brought along with them... let us be consciously bringing Jesus along to be light and truth and protection) Let us not be rash, whether in our desire to serve Him or to take care of business expeidently and make decisions or vows that make sense to our own thinking and desires. But instead let us listen and wait upon Him, Jesus... the author and perfector of our faith and if He speaks and then asks us to wait 15 years for the fullfillment of it then let us wait but with expectation and not letting that word fall away. Let us hang on to every word that He so mercifully and lovingly speaks to us. But I am not yet done... let us be humble like the centurion desiring the touch of Jesus being so confident of His reality and ability and letting Him move as He desires not as we insist or think it must be. Let us ask and trust and KNOW our God, our Jesus ... being so taken with Him that we cannot help but be humbled in awe of who He continues to reveal Himself to be.

I believe that, realistically, to live like this there is no other way than to be putting on our spiritual armor by prayer over and over... let our intercessors pray for our protection and single focus on God and His truth, His desires, His heart... that our relationship with Him be so deepened that our kneejerk reaction in any and all situations is to go immediately to Him. Submitting over and over again our lives, our souls, our hearts, our minds to Him alone. That we be consumed with loving our God that constantly awes and amazes us in how intimately His loves us and desires us.

WE battle not against flesh and blood but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

Open my eyes that I may see open my ears that I may hear (and turn and be healed.)

2010-11-17T09:07:00.000-08:00

Journal entry Aug 19/10

   Hey Jesus this is a bad day after all. Not in events, just inside. I hate that I feel the all too familiar human struggles. I want to focus on myself, I want someone to understand, I want, I want, I want. I hate that. I hate that I am hurt by another's judgement and their decision because of it. I hate that I take that so personally and feel once again not worthy of the task. I hate that I feel beaten and want to give up on some levels. I hate that when I am overwhelmed it makes me want to swear. I hate that when I feel beaten down about what I am doing in our ministry that I drudge up all the dreams and wishes I have and feel so very far away from the goal. Then I say, without fail... what am I doing?

   Jesus I need to be where You are so desperately.

   Lies are just that... lies. I don't need to be hospitable and entertain them. "Who I am is not just myself." If I look at You I see well ya... that makes sense. Your Father was so who You were. You shut down Yourself to listen and obey Your Dad. You put Yourself to death so that all You held important was Your Father and His heart. When I look within it's just not that easy. I see times where You help me step back enough that I feel and know it is You coming through. Sadly, however, I often find I am staring at myself and wondering how the heck did I get in the way AGAIN! I will ask this question once again... so why? Why do I have the struggles and emotions I do? Can I not just acknowledge it is just me and let that lie down and let You flood my soul and take over? Wow, that brings the other thought to me ... I miss being You. I know how close we are by how I treat the strangers around me. Am I smiling and caring about all I meet? Am I, without thought, reaching out with a wave or touch? There is a lightness or freedom and just desire to love when I am filled with You. I miss that. So why can't I just decide to let the issues that prevent that to not matter and get back into Your arms? I know I asked this, sort of, last night but again I just am wondering; am I allowed to go and selfishly soak in my emotions? I just went back and reread my last journal... hmmm. I need to hear Your words. I need to quit insisting that I be allowed to do this right now. I will put them all back into Your hands and trust that You will take care of me emotionally too.

2010-11-16T07:56:00.000-08:00

Journal entry Aug 19/10

   Jesus I am here.

   So when I read the second chapter of the book where the guy gets to go to heaven, I had a very strong reaction to it. As much as I would love to see everyone there... I want to see You first. And not with a crowd around; just us. Now I realize that this is just my wanting and You will have everything just right. I just really wanted to tell You that.

   Jesus You are being so very merciful to me this week again... I know I am way overtired and yet I am knowing that You are near I am feeling excitement for You.... and I am doing ok most of the time.

2010-11-14T17:36:00.000-08:00

Almost becoming unglued.... Journal entry Aug 18/10

   Okay Jesus the words are just not coming. I have to just spill out my incomplete and rambling thoughts cause I want to be here with You more than I want everything else. I think I know why I keep wanting to go back to that movie. Instead of making the time to sit and write I just want to keep reexperiencing what I believe I learned from You in this. I just want to see and then feel this intensity. Why this movie seems to have it in spades for me I don't know. The thought that just came to me was... but what about the time spent with You when we are loving someone, praying and being there with them or for them? Am I being so selfish? With my desire to feel? Am I missing out on ministry time with You? Hmmm I need to get back into Your word I know. I want to get back to soaking time with You. I want to ride my horse as far as I can with no plan or limits. I want to be alone. I want to just have a day to talk about my feelings and experiences and wonderings. I want to not miss chances to love my children. I know You are getting me through this busy time and I really am thankful. I am wanting to connect thoughts with others about our church. I want to talk about what You are doing in each of our lives. I want to inspire others to love and get excited about You. I want to journal and share my life on my blog. I want to make wise decisions. I want to be loved. Hang on.....hmmm. There's one that needs to be looked at doesn't it? What is that about? Is it a love that I want in the here and now by others around me? It can be dangerous to want this, I think, because it can skew what I do, what I say, what I feel, how I react.  If I am content to be completely loved by You then it all snaps back into place. I am no longer motivated by anything else ... no agendas, no scheming, to do and get back what I desire or think I need.

   Jesus I exhaust myself. lol. Wanna hang out?

   I see us sitting on a pier swinging our feet and splashing the water with our toes. I then get up and lie down on my stomach instead so I can rest my head on my hands and look over the edge and into the water. There is just so much moving and swirling in the deep dark colors of the water. I turn my head and look at You. You are watching me. I just want to know how to feel Jesus. Why? Well do I miss some understanding if I don't? Or is there too great a danger of it being all about me if I do feel? Why are you worried about you? Isn't that My job? If I am taking care of you; can you trust me to carry you emotionally too? Perhaps the absence of expected emotion is a gift I am giving you right now for a bigger purpose than you realize. How do I live in contentment yet always wanting more? By dying to yourself and living in Me. Yes. Why would I ask to have more on my plate than is there at any given moment by You?

2010-11-11T17:26:00.000-08:00

Journal entry Aug 6/10

   Morning Jesus. What a beautiful day; I came in from my shop even though it wasn't coffee time yet. Jesus I just want to say thank You again. I had a chance to share a bit with Ray last night and I am so grateful for what You have done and are doing with me. I love You so much.

   Where are we? Okay, good... I was just checking :) I am content to remain with You forever. Badly worded... I desperately want to remain in Your arms forever. :) There are some wonderings I have... Why did Tyrah ask me that question in the exact words that Chantal used so long ago? Why don't you ever share? (in I Cor. 14 time) What am I to share? I will... tune my ears into what You'd have me share. Let me know and catch it. I love You.

   Oh I think I need to write down my dream last night... it was my Dad. I was with him in his hospital bed but he was much more coherent and I tried to tell him that I was there and loved him and I remember him holding my hand. My mom came in and she was watching me at the end of the bed and asked if I was awake. I realized I wasn't so I woke up (although not really). We were still there with Dad and we talked and remembered stuff (but I know some of it wasn't real).

   I remember waking up (for real this time) and thinking that because You have washed some of the distractions off me that I was able to have another dream about my Dad. Some more feelings I guess. The last dream I had of him was such a heart breaker but good one at the same time. I remember just sobbing because I didn't have a chance to really say goodbye and I was given the chance to be wrapped up in his arms (he was very healthy) and cry out my hurt and tell him I loved him. Then I didn't have anymore Dad dreams so I wondered if I ever would again. Hmmm.

   I am at the tail end of the day and so very much in love with You Jesus that several times today I just couldn't contain all that I felt. It felt really good. It was so, so good to laugh with Rick too. Well I think I will work on the worship set so what do You want to say with it?

"Hey now this is my desire...

consume me like a fire...

cause I just want

something beautiful

to touch me.."

need to breathe

'something beautiful'

2010-11-10T21:03:00.000-08:00

Journal entry... Aug 5/10

   Morning Jesus, I don't know if we have left our ocean yet. I've been thinking, it just seems that there is so much that no one will ever understand of what happens between us; except You and I. That, in the past, has made me feel very lonely and separated but I think I don't need to. I think the hardest thing to describe is just that depth of passion and love and hunger for You. In the same breath, however, I don't think I will stop sharing those feelings and experiences I have with You for whether anyone understands or not; who knows what You want to use out of it all. While working in my shop this morning I felt something very exciting... while thinking of You I had that "I can't believe You're in love with me and I for You" realization. When it hit me I physically felt flip flops in my stomach and that tightness in my chest.

   So are we still here? My first reaction is that yes we must be because of how I feel for You. You have taken me away from everything but You and have been stripping off the marks of the world. For instance, when I thought of what usually is a trigger for anger and resentment I instead thought of peace, forgiveness and a desire to set things right. When someone didn't understand what I shared.. I wasn't crushed. Hmmm. I will die for You Jesus every day. My hearts aches so.... for You.

   Well I guess I'll go back to my work I just wanted to check in with You. Hang on.. is there anything You want to say to me? I have been rambling alot lol. Look at Me Tam... look at Me and know Me. Know Me and My love for you. Feel it and hang onto Me. I am crazy about you... I have plans for us. I love You. Give what I give you to all those around you... like in a ridiculously abundant way cause you can't possibly out give what I give lol. Oh we are so still in this ocean! The honor of being in a place just solely with You. To feel like all Your attention is just on me is crazily mind blowing. Yah I get what You are saying to me. I feel it inside and I think I understand what the words mean where the well will never run dry and that there is no need to thirst You are right here amongst us. Holy, Holy, Holy. Thank You Jesus over and over. I know You love us all in this crazy intimate way and that it is expressed so wildly in so many ways. The beauty of Your creative ways to reach us are inconceivable really and oh so breathtaking in their beauty as they come together as You have designed. You are my God, You are my King, You are my Love. Holy, Holy, Holy.

2010-11-08T11:51:00.000-08:00

Journal entry August 4/10

     Here I am again a new day and I know how crazily I miss and need to meet with You. Here I am Jesus, all filled up with life and emotion. Even though I have a list of things I wish to do and accomplish, all I really want is to be with You. By Your side is where I belong... and is all that really matters. I don't think I'll ever fathom how I can have a week where I feel You right here all the time and then have two where I don't take the time to meet with You and I lose that sweet, intimate connection with You.

I know I am here and I want You to come find me. I stand before the ocean that is roaring in might and power. The water, as it touches my feet, is cold and shocking yet the air around me is warm and heavy with humidity. The wind whips at my hair. I close my eyes and know that my tears are so close... as I yearn for Your presence. You are out in the waves and looking right at me when I open my eyes. I start into the water's cold and the waves pull makes my walking hard but I cannot go anywhere else but to You. I start to cry because You feel so far away and it's taking too long to get to You. But You don't leave me there... I am pulled into Your arms as we dive together beneath the water's surface. The fury of the surface waves are all of a sudden forgotten and I know I am safe. You are now everything to me... oxygen, life, existence... how do I hang onto this? Be in it here...   We are slicing through the water so fast and without the slightest resistance. I just hang onto You. I almost come to a complete place of rest being here with You as we move... I barely notice anything but You and the fact that I am hanging onto You. I think I need to be here awhile.  You have brought me into a place with no distraction.

   I have passed through almost half the daytime and one thing is very clear... I need to to stay here with You longer. My thoughts, at times, get muddled and start going down rabbit trails but there is still a distinct knowing that we are still together under the waves... I in Your arms. This is right where I need to be; still. I love You Jesus, I love You.

   Now the day is almost at a close and I have been in Your arms all day. I don't know when I'll be able to leave here. I was thinking in my shop; it is so obvious that I need this time of being with You. So then, how is it that I don't do this way more often, even out of complete and desperate need? In a moment today I understood that here is where things are washed away. Clearing up my vision, letting clouds dissipate that have been obstructing my sight. And I know what happens hand in hand with that action... I am filled with what Your heart is, the aches and desires to pour out love. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. There are so many reasons I love to say Your Name...

2010-11-01T16:10:00.000-07:00

Dear Reader... I am continuing with posting my summer journals. Hey Jesus, I cannot retype these without saying again... thank You with all my soul for loving me through this season.

Journal entry, Aug 3/10
    Hi Jesus, I see my self absorbed ways again today and it was when I took time to see them that I finally made my first good choice of the day. I spent a few moments picking raspberries with Bailey. How easy was that? Way.
    So I haven't had any dreams about my Dad lately, was the last hug dream the final one?
    I asked You to show up today and You did. While working in my shop I felt a cool breeze come through and I looked up and out the open doors. There You were... in the rain pouring down. I went and stood in the open doorway and felt the fine and gentle mist of the rain as the wind blew it around and off my shop roof. You make me smile.

2010-10-23T18:27:00.000-07:00

Part 4 The Body Revelation

   Jesus I got very excited last night but couldn't get up and write down my thoughts. Could You speak them to me again?
   I was thinking about how we are to love each other... and the curiosity of my last lesson. Where I needed to (and You wanted me to) come to You first with my heart, well it made me wonder. What then is the purpose of the body? (I know, extremist) BUT... when we go to You first, and are loved so completely and perfectly by You, we are filled by not only a knowledge of who You are and what You desire but it fills us up enough that it then spills over to those around us. Which leads me back again that the most important thing we ever do is to KNOW You.  To constantly deepen and work on our relationship. The only real loving is when You love through us... so to constantly experience You in relationship, we then know how to respond and love those around us. On our own we are afraid and unsure of what to say but taking You into it releases that need to perform well and we can just be real. It isn't always to have a wise word, sometimes, it is to listen, to be trustworthy, to be faithful or to share emotion of a situation. The 'agenda' or selfish motive is laid down in this kind of loving because it isn't out of ourselves that this powerful exchange happens. It is only through us.
Let me go back to one of the first thoughts... to be loved by You gives us what it is to be complete. To not have a void, to be content within. We no longer need that love from the world around us here instead we long to spill it out onto the world. Which brings me back to Your words.. "I did not come to be served but to serve and give my life as a ransom for many"... it's true.
   So what does the body do? It gives us a group that is connected through Him the Head. In this group we are safe to grow, learn and experience what He is saying to us, what He is trying to teach us, where He is trying to take us. He sets us up as a body, that is meant to be so interconnected in order to function properly. (what a very beautiful way to express our complete dependence upon Him... this is His work and life we are living out, not our own) When functioning properly all things are connected to the Head... when we hurt, when we struggle, we are surrounded by a people that will faithfully take us back to Jesus' presence. Reminding us that He is the first place we must be THEN we SHARE the experience. The diversity in which God will call us to serve that hurting member is unfathomable and unbelievably powerful YET we will not know how unless we remain so rooted and connected to the Head so He can pour out love through us in whatever form. While we serve, we are also being served, in the sense that, someone else is allowing us to connect again to Jesus through an experience we would never know outside of ourselves. That is a deep loving act. The more of these shared acts of connection with the HEAD we experience, the more willing we are to let go of ourselves. Letting the old man fall away that calls for action that is never a failure, that calls for recognition, that calls for acceptance, that calls for a continually working up of status above others. The more we let go of ourselves and become consumed with Jesus; loving and serving Him by loving and serving those around us, the more REAL we become the more CHRISTLIKE we become. With that (in the world's eyes) a definite power (that is frighteningly undeniable) will be manifest because it is the presence of Jesus Himself. "And they noted that they had been with Jesus" When a body becomes alive, it has a power and displays a learning that no individual can ever relate. A deeply connected person, that walks with Jesus and does His will, is undeniably and incredibly used by God BUT when the world looks at him/her something can easily happen. We put them on that, impossible to reach, pedestal that no normal mortal can ever reach. If a whole body of Christ (filled with normal mortals) together is so full of the presence of Christ, it is something different again. That group is never exclusive, if we are real we are constantly aware of our community and surroundings as well and are reaching out with Jesus' heart to touch them and love them and serve them. When it's real, they are pulled in too.

2010-10-22T07:48:00.000-07:00

Part III A Call

   Hi Jesus... I cannot help but feel You so close right now. The yearning to speak and be with You is so strong that it's almost like my soul is speaking and connecting with You before my physical body stops doing the day to day and sits and acknowledges.  Curiously, life doesn't stop around me and I still am interacting with it... amazingly tonight it is to enjoy my kids here and there... what a treat.
   But I am here now, again. Need to Breathe is playing the Garden and they definitely touch me with their music, singing it from within. You can hear it without sight and you can see it as you watch them.
   I would love to visit about deep things. I have to admit after talking to Mr. B I wonder what Your voice sounds like. Oh and that moment last night, while KC and I were riding, was freaky cool. There I was riding along, pretty much in silence, and wondering what Your face would look like while gazing up into the clouds. Everything was there... deep and dark storm clouds that were pierced in between with the brilliant bright blue of clear skies. Red clouds of the sun setting and some clouds that were so deep and in layer after layer. So here I am gazing up when all of a sudden I realize Your face could be the whole sky. It shocked and scared me in that split second... in the face of a HOLY GOD who am I way. It was a clear enough thought that it physically made me look from side to side to take in more than what my gaze could... Jesus I love You. Real bad. I wonder if there is any way I can love You fully while I am here on earth? Huh, that has got me thinking.
   Doing everything for You... in love for You and of You.
(Dearest Reader... take a moment if you will and pray that you will feel what the Spirit wants you to know with that one... perhaps a call to a deeper level?)
   This connects back to my Brother Lawrence experience that, as of late, I have let go of but long to get back to. Now even more so... Jesus I have missed You.
   I am sitting on our boulder still lit up by the setting sun. I wrap my arms around my legs and look into Your face. You laugh with delight and amusement. I see You Jesus, I see You. And I see you Tam. I know. Jesus did I do any damage when I talked with my friend? Go. Go and be excited with her about Me. You have wanted to since you left, so do it. Can You deepen my understanding about what was shared about the church? The 5 percent? Overall I don't like labelling but it gets a point across which I am okay with. Really, if we get living in You... like really being You; I suppose it may be a small percent but I don't think that is how You made us... we are content with, or settle for, far too little. And before I lose this thought completely I want to connect to the phrase... We need to know who (whose) we are.

2010-10-21T09:42:00.000-07:00

The second part came as I wrote a letter to a friend.

Part II Wounding and Sharing

   I just wanted to let you know I really appreciated the text this morning... couldn't reply, however, it was crazy busy. I just reread it and it struck me differently and I kind of wish I would have reread it earlier but perhaps that was for a reason too... lol. At church this morning a man and his wife came, he was raised in the area and he spoke with great firmness. I thought it was interesting because ever since the board meeting I am purposefully trying to notice a bigger picture of who comes and goes and what messages are coming through them. I guess this was of special note for me because he was speaking for the native people.
Jeff spoke well, he thinks he overloaded everyone but I don't think so. It was just a sermon you should go home and chew on for a bit I figure. It was interestingly timed, however, because of what I shared with my worship team the night before. I was telling them that there was a time this last week that when I was in a sad place, I had reached out to someone for comfort and help and didn't get it.  The result was, I literally felt a wall go up around my heart and a "fine I will never do that again" ringing in my ears. It was awful. I knew it wasn't good for so many reasons. Now even in that moment I knew that Jesus was wanting me to come to Him instead of anyone else and most likely had this happen to 'force' lol... or strongly steer me to Him instead. There is reason that He wanted me to come to Him first and I can even guess what some of them are without asking Him YET even with that reasoning I could not shake the wall. Then, this links for me, to my understanding and learning about the body... oh wow does this cause questions.  Without taking the lid off that pot, I will say that I asked for payer that the wall would be removed. Oh and I also did a bit of wondering about how I take my hurts, anger and frustration to Jesus alone to deal with instead of letting it spew out on the individuals around me. I believe Jesus is slowly taking me to a perspective or understanding on that one. On my way to church my cousin texts me a scripture verse from Phil 4:4-9. I didn't look it up till the sermon but the one thing that jumped out was that HE would guard my heart and mind. (Very significant to me right now!!)
   So part of Jeff's sermon was the damage and disease in our lives and how it's roots are often in fear or anxiety, stress and unforgiveness etc... Interestingly, it seemed to really speak to what I had shared the night before HOWEVER... it has got me thinking again because I don't know if it really spoke entirely to my specific situation after all. Yes on some levels but there's more. The shutting down I felt was not an anger at that person per say. I didn't really feel they owed me an apology or anything, I was disappointed because I expected or wanted more than they ultimately were asked by Jesus to give.  This has got me wondering, here I am thinking that we as a body need to be willing to be open and vulnerable with one another so we really can connect and see how Jesus works in and amongst us through all things.  That open and honest sharing often bonds us together in a way that carries us through the surface family squabbles and dryer times. But here I am realizing that Jesus wanted me to go to Him first because that is my deepest relationship to continually cultivate, experience, confirm etc AND unfortunately I take with me a battle scar of withdrawal to get me there both emotionally, mentally and spiritually. (yes I take some serious lessons from Him to really get things... yikes) Now I sit here thinking, for others that would also be a very important thing. Everyone needs to be reminded and at times helped to go to Jesus first with all things THEN He seems to rain out the messages and ministry through His hands and feet (the body) to bind up, encourage, speak truth or confirmation of it. (and we can receive it then knowing it is Jesus speaking and touching) I see the extreme value in this because all of a sudden, we humans, are not placing ourselves in a potentially dangerous position of attaching ourselves to another thus giving them the place that Christ alone should occupy.  However, I also don't think that we are inactive in this time. As a body we should be available to those around us, to pray them into Jesus' presence, to go with them, covering them with prayer so they are able to hear Jesus' words while in the midst of their wounds or struggles. Now I can also speak as the wounded. I should go to others not expecting them to understand the depth of my wounds and hurts but to ask them to cover me and speak over me to see Jesus alone. To know that what I feel is real but His perspective has a greater power to set free or turn the tables to healing or a beautiful ministry coming out of this time. I don't need others to completely undestand all of my pain to do this... and after Jesus is present in it again He seems to release what to share somehow. And then in that kind of sharing it could encourage and speak perhaps to others that hurt or struggle and God's touch is again released further out and with power.

2010-10-19T21:04:00.000-07:00

Dear Reader,
    Before I leave my journal entries from July, 2010. I have four ramblings that are connected in my trying to understand dependence upon God and the role of the body of Christ. How emotion like hurt and wounding can pull us away or draw us in. As well as learning to die so we can really love, with His love. I have left them till now as it was over the course of this month that many experiences and learning's came and went that took me on this path of asking questions and wanting to grasp a deeper understanding. Interested? Come with me then....

PART I   Questions about Dependence

   Jesus... there is alot on my mind this morning. I make decisions that I don't know have any sense behind them at times. Huh. But regardless of these times it still serves to highlight what is right and Holy and good. For in the presence of You, things come into sharper focus and the freedom of release is so obviously felt.
   Before I lose my thoughts I will quickly put down my first question... the curious connection between the individuals relationship with You and the relationship of Your body and Yourself. When is that interdependence required and when does the necessity for that to fall back so that we, individually, depend on You alone? I also want to ask You about emotions. I have seen them take over and have a power that is inappropriate in the light of You. So what do I do in those times? I don't think it is wrong to feel so deeply about things but to not be able to have that door open to receive Your perspective alongside it would steal the deeper purpose out of it, I think. I experienced a day and a half of being nearly constantly in tears especially in the presence of any touch of kindness, and yet, when I asked for prayer I was released from it. Now were those tears selfish? Not entirely but yes, alot of them. To receive such a release from it also speaks to me that there is something I need to realize. Could my openness to Your presence and perspective smother the selfishness out of my pain and bring out more clearly the purpose and beauty (and perhaps opportunity) that You can work out of it? If I was able to experience deep sorrow and have Your perspective, would I not be filled at the same time with Your crazy thick love for those around me? In that last day, I was hurting not only for myself but for all those that hurt. I wanted someone to understand and feel for me (now I realize that is selfish) but I also felt that same desire for all those around me that carried hurt. That they would be seen and heard and understood. In this case however, not only did I not find that... even when I asked for it I didn't get it. As soon as that happened I threw up a wall..." well! I will never ask for that again." In fact I felt it so strongly that I spoke it aloud. Now this is when I wondered anew about the interdependence of the body. It was like You were saying to me "I want you to come to Me for this and not go to someone else"... I understand this on the surface... I get that there are things we need to take to You alone and not through the feet and hands of others because You alone want us to experience what it is to be ministered to by You. We need that base for our (Jesus and myself) deep intimacy. So that we KNOW You and recognize You in the world and in others.  However this swings back to my first question... I didn't go to You alone first and in reaching out to another for comfort and not getting what I wanted I walled myself off more... In that hurt I determined to never ask again. So how do I do this? How do I know when to reach out and when to just keep it between us? How do I expect others in their hurts and pain to share them with the body when I hesitate to do it myself? Or wonder if they should be going to You first and then to the body? What order do You desire for us to take here? I am needing to hear You Holy Spirit... whisper Your wisdom to me I pray.
   At our church board meeting a lady that normally isn't there came and spoke out of Your Spirit and did a good shaking up. She lit up some questions and thoughts that we need to consider as a body. I'm going to put a statement out there that may seem horrible.... but I think we have mistakenly been seeking the wrong thing from the Church for way too long. We go in wondering what it is the Church will do for us. I think this is wrong. I don't think I necessarily have the words to explain it but we need to actually see what we are and whose we are. There are no 'thoroughbreds' of Christianity. We are all children... we are children of grace and mercy. We can no better stand than the next person... we are all equally dependent upon Jesus for our existence, our faith. And , as I think I am coming to see, within the context of the body we are also equally dependent upon each member to know what being Christ's body really is. What it is designed to be, look like and how to function within Your will, desire and passion for us. Hence I am now stuck at that thought again.
   I have to pop another question in here... why am I not speaking up in church.. Why do I not know if I should?  It feels like there is just so much more inside me (letting You be alive in me) that isn't getting out and I want to set that free. I want to die Jesus so that You can really live in my life. I want to give up those rights and desires I seem to hang onto with a death grip. Jesus have my heart and soul and mind I want my every action to be for You and due You... I see that I have fallen far from that lately. Crazy. I hate that. I am so sorry Jesus please take me back into Your arms. Take my face in your hands and hold my gaze. Cleanse me within and let it all fall away...
I am crazy about You...
Take me back Jesus.
Broken.... Tam.

later that day....
Yah I'm still here... not doing much today except bumping around. Huh. Thinking. I have to laugh though (sadly). Within the course of one day, I go from being lost, to being found, to losing my grip and then holding on one more time. I will take this moment of perspective to talk with You. What do I say in my weak lost moments? Cut them off in Your name? Or remember to ask for Your perspective through it? I seem to live on a slippery slope. ...

2010-10-19T09:34:00.000-07:00

My two journal entries from July 30/10

Hi Jesus, I just got in for lunch and want to talk some more... or hang out; whatever the case may be. You are crazily magnetic! Hahahaha.... love it.

I am back , it is still today. There seems to be alot of emotion bouncing around today but I have to say I am counting my blessings. I got an amazing ride in, I got some work done... in the shop and in the house, spent time with Bailey on a puzzle and have a lasagne in the over ... that's great! To boot it almost looks like some weather is coming in... I can't wait for another rain. It's just like hearing You nearby. I love it. I know that this will always and forever be significant for this summer. A memory, a lesson and a blessing. Thank You.

2010-10-18T10:50:00.000-07:00

Journal entry July 29/10
Morning Jesus, I am just about to go out to work and I needed to check in with You. The last two nights I have had dreams about people giving their condolences over my Dad and after a while it wakes me up and I have a hard time going back to sleep .. I seem to go over and over it.

Wanna go for a walk?

We walk through a field and pasture. As we walk we take turns pointing out little and big things, enjoying all that is around us. This makes us both smile. We get to the top of a hill and we sit cross legged facing one another. The panoramic view from this hill is quite breathtaking but not even comparable to Your face... Your eyes. I have nothing Jesus. I have nothing. While I sit here looking into Your eyes I believe I see something... it's so many faces. Some laughing, some crying, some serious, some asleep... and me. Wow. The myriad of faces keep scrolling by from all extremes and all those in the middle. From every nation, time, and place.

a song is playing telling of You in the garden...

Won't You take this cup from me
'Cause fear has stolen all my sleep
If tomorrow means my death
I pray You'll save their souls with it

Let the songs I sing
Bring joy to You
Let the words I say profess my love
Let the notes I choose
Be Your favorite tune
Father let my heart be after You

In this hour of doubt I see
But who I am is not just me
So give me strength to die myself
So love can live to tell the tale
-needtobreathe-

So it is now hours after and I am still thinking about You and all those people in your eyes.
I feel better inside today... more looking towards You and being able to not be ruled by emotion.
Thank You for that.
Jesus I love You.

2010-10-17T20:16:00.000-07:00

Comments on July 28/10 journal entry...

So I came back to write down my reason for posting yesterday... I remember thinking after writing ... am I staying in the want and eagerly wanting more but not moving on to the receiving . There is, however, something else I need to realize too. That I can feel that deep hunger for God but I don't always need Him in the way I think it should be. Let me explain... Yesterday I journalled my want for a word or explanation from Him. We live wanting answers to questions and to receive direction or gain understanding in our times talking to God. But sometimes... even oftentimes ... I think Jesus just wants us to be with Him. Soaking Him up with no demands at all. To see where He will take things or will reveal in just that time of being together. Being satisfied to just sit with Him reminds us to lay down ourselves at His feet, all of who we are, and look at Him and enjoy the crazy deep love He has for us. During these moments things can become much clearer. Maybe our figuring out isn't as important as we feel it is; perhaps living in His presence, guided constantly by Him, in trust and obedience is what leads to real living.

2010-10-15T14:24:00.000-07:00

Journal entry July 28/10

Jesus I haven't been here in so long it feels like a long week and a half.
I got something else this morning... previously you had given me a picture of relationship and the depth of it through a movie but I knew when I went to look for that 'face' of it again most likely it would be different. I assume so as not to latch onto something fixed and thus stifle the growth and reality of the relationship. However we are often afraid to give up that one moment because it sunk in so deep and to step further in and away from that moment or 'face' creates the fear that we may lose it all. But reality, Your reality, declares that if we are to stay in that moment we tragically lose what we are trying so hard to hang onto. We need to have eyes that see and hearts open to receive. Then with faith and trust in You, to keep walking deeper and deeper and often away from what we know and into You. I want that kind of relationship that I am always looking for You and how You speak... I will never forget those moments of connection but I don't want to be stuck in them either. In the same way I am learning about the truth of the body... I see that You are way too diverse and creative and faceted to be boxed. Seeing a coming together and unity in all those ways brings a beauty of such incomparable awe that we would indeed be fools to live content with only our own sight and view.
   So this last week away from You I missed the intense tangible presence of You like I felt the week before. Yet. I knew You were there and again I am reminded that we do not always 'feel.' Now my question to You is ... does it have to be that way? Did my lack of journalling make me drift away from You in some way? Even if the state of my physical world is turbulent can I somehow keep that insane deep connection with You through it all? Even if I had no hands could we have what we seem to have when we talk like this? Did Brother Lawrence live constantly in the sway of passionate love for You? It sounds like he did. I want that.
Let's meet?
   I feel like we are on a mountain top and looking down miles and miles. Everything seems so far away. I think You are holding me here because I don't think I am touching the ground. It is not sunny and striking... it is overcast and a dullness settles on the view before me. I am looking for You, I want to see You. I know what I want but do You want me to see something first? I look from side to side. The ranges and valleys go on as far as my eyes can see... the breeze is cool, not comfortable. Do You have words for me Jesus? Words that I need to speak? I don't hear Your answer but I strain too, Jesus, I am not sure what I am seeing could I see it through Your eyes instead? I know that there are glints of gold throughout this landscape but I cannot see them. Are they Your people? Why am I on a mountain top? To gain perspective? To receive a message for them, for us? I do not need to be afraid. You are here. Yet I almost frantically seek out Your voice. Why am I deaf?
   I lay down my questions and realize they have grown from a wee stone to a tall rock pile ... I kind of laugh at myself and give them a push. They tumble down and spread out losing their height and power. Ha. I close my eyes and try to just sense Your presence... it takes awhile but You grow clearer and closer the longer I stand here. If feel You against my shoulder and my heart soars. You actually come around in front of me. Holding my shoulders yet at the same time You grow huge as if You are becoming the whole sky. I see Your face smiling and holding my gaze while I also see the sky and mountains, trees, rocks and valleys too. You look so happy as our eyes remain locked. In this moment I choose to let go of reasoning and fact and understanding in my own strength I just want to look at You and be filled with joy and love. You alone make me understand and I will trust You to reveal to me at the right moment what that means. So I look again into Your eyes and I laugh... I laugh loud and it joins with your own and echoes down the mountain. It is filling up the valleys , the landscape till it nearly reaches us once more. I look into Your crinkled in laughter and delight eyes and I am filled with the knowing that this is where I always want to be.

2010-10-15T09:33:00.000-07:00

Journal entry July 17/10
    Jesus it is funny, I was so looking forward to posting another blog of ours... but cannot due to lack of Internet. But that's okay there would be nothing to blog if I didn't just spend time with You and that is what I am most definitely here for.
   Wow just sitting here sipping my coffee I had a wave of that deep feeling we shared yesterday and yes, my smile came back. I love You Jesus so so much.
   Where shall we go today? Where do You want to take me? Ahhh back to last night.... I cannot express adequately in words how much I enjoyed Your presence during that very stunning thunderstorm last night. The light show was breathtaking, the thunder at times so deep and loud and long. It made me think of You as Father, then as You and then as the Holy Spirit.  When there was much lightning without hardly any sound was when I thought of You being Father. The magnificence, the brilliant display. It made me think along the lines of what Matt Mayer shared... we see but don't fully understand or yet know who You are yet we are so drawn in. I then heard that sound of movement, a stirring that broke the stillness. I strained in the darkness to know whether it was rain but no, it was the wind coming ... and it came, finally, right to my window and then the heaven's let loose. At one point a gust of wind blew through my window and the smell that reached me was absolutely intoxicating. It took me to the forest instantly. Thank You for that gift. The wind of course spoke and reminded me of Sarayu... but the sounds, the rain, the light reminded me of You, Jesus. I think the rain this summer is so deeply enjoyable for me because it just feels like You actually being poured out upon us all. That is is You saying... just as you feel the rain that is how real I am, that is how close I am to you. Now I love the sun but when it came yesterday I longed to hear and feel and see You in the rain. lol.

2010-09-20T15:03:00.000-07:00

Filling in the picture of my summer ... journal entry July 18/10

Hi Jesus... this morning, was again, a time redeemed and touched by Your hand. Thank You, I know only You could have made this happen. You are merciful and tender indeed. We must have that soft spot in Your heart. :) Whew.
How wild was it to have Don and Dorothy come for the morning service. And even though it wasn't a full blown potluck ... how good and appropriate it was to share a 'little'. Irma's testimony was so moving. I could almost feel what she spoke about... literally screaming for You when she could not breathe. Hmmmm.

So wanna hang out? Yah I know. :)

Where are we? You know, it's kind of exciting to type those all too familiar words out anymore... cause I know that You come and take me. I am... (think about that Reader) coming to the place where I KNOW that when I ask that He faithfully takes me to be with Him.
I cannot see where we are because I cannot look away from Your face. The music that rips through my soul and emotion comes out of the depth with which I want to love You. I want to see and feel and KNOW and return the absolute look of love that You just are and radiate constantly. If my love can reflect any of what I see then I am so thrilled. Jesus I love You.
You put Your arms around me and pull me in... in Your way. You hold my head against Yourself and it is as if time stands still for there is no rush for anything but to just be together. We being to dance at times together and at times apart with abandon and in the light of life and love. With arms out wide, we spin circles and throw our heads back to laugh the deep laugh of the soul.
As we walk out into a desert place I hang on Your arm and cannot seem to be close enough. The sun is setting yet it holds a heat that relentlessly radiates out. I hardly notice, however, for I am holding the hand of a Holy and Divine God. The shadows eventually lengthen and a coolness starts to settle in. We climb to the top of a great hill... the rock is very warm to the touch and so beautiful in it's orange and red hues. We sit on it's smooth peak and again look out and soak up all that is being said by what we see. The absolute stunning display of color across the sky, the moods of rock, cactus and scrub brush slowly losing their features in the blue black of dusk. The soft sounds of the night starting to stir... a call, a howl... and that distinct and very real sound of silence. As the night robs our sight of what surrounds us we lay on our backs to watch the sky. You rest Your head on Your arms and I lay my head on You. Together, we drink in the glorious display of the heavens. Why the desert? Why not? True. Lol. You got to share a bit about the beauty of a desert place.. and then You got to see how your comment, you felt was so clumsily delivered, bloom and become seen by others. Yah. that was an extremely humbling honor, for I know she is not yet out of that desert place and to have the insight and conviction while there is definitely a touch of Your presence.

2010-09-17T08:55:00.000-07:00

Journal entry July 17/10

Jesus here it is afternoon already but I know I need to connect with You even for a moment or two before I go any further. I think I heard You, just now, with Bailey... thanks. That little walk which was only a few minutes long meant alot to both of us. I love You so so much. I realize I need to hear alot from You and I have alot I need to talk out too but let's meet and see where it goes?

Up in the top of one of the ancient and towering evergreens is where we are! We share laughter for many reasons. When we both finally stop chuckling a silence descends upon us as we look out. Being way up here there is a moan and whistle to the soft wind that doesn't seem to stop. The view makes me think big and then deep. I am sitting on a branch and You come behind me, standing on another branch and kind of look over my shoulder. We share what we see without words. I close my eyes and experience the rush of all I feel well up. I am aware of so much... the air carrying wafts of warm then cool ... the sounds of nature moving , rustling and calling. The most significant one of course is You. I feel You against my back and Your presence is always so many things all at once. Strength, calm, love, passion, deep truth and reality. It makes my senses swim in awe that You are so near.

(later in the day) Are we still here? hmmm. Except now we are facing one another ... deep in conversation.

whoa... how does that work? I SEE us talking but I don't hear what is said. LOL... oh hang on... I do get it... it's what I have been feeling and experiencing all week... we are sharing and talking all the time and I am so crazy in love with You. :) This conversation is what frees me to be wholly Yours... free of my own selfishness and distraction...

2010-09-13T08:58:00.000-07:00

Dear Reader...
In looking back over my summer, that has held such significance for me, I decided to gradually post other journals to fill in just how it became such an amazing season for me. Here is a entry from the beginning of July.

Hi Jesus... it's me, of course :) How was Your day? I am so glad I got to go to bible study today after all. I needed it. And the movie really reminded me to stop moping about and live and love life again ... yesh! Where have I been? I miss You in me. I miss really living. It has been all too easy to slip into my despairing melancholy of failing at life. Perhaps I need to quit being so determined to be a success. Ha. Jesus could You give me new eyes and a new heart and a deeper passion and focus that refuses to leave Your face? Ahhh... Jesus I cannot seem to settle down.. it's been a while since I have felt like this... I miss it. I feel like I want to go a hundred directions in the desire to just love You.

So where are we? In the middle of a field. The bearded barley is tall and we can run, fall, sit, and yet, when we get up and look around it's like no one has even touched it. So we run... with abandon! It's like when you are a kid and you get to be in a school after hours and that desire to just run as fast as you can down the deserted hallways wells up... the sound of your runners squeaking on the polished hallways that are only lit by the red light from the emergency exits and an occasional open door. There is something so grand about doing it! hahahahaha. We run with our arms outstretched , laughing with that same delight! The field that seemed so green and flat slowly rises up... the color is changing too. By the time we reach the top of the hill we are surrounded by a gold that is only outdone by the sun itself. It lights to a magical color a huge boulder. We climb up and sit, washed by the rays of light streaming down upon us. We close our eyes and lift our faces to receive it's warmth, it's touch. I have been feeling so needy lately I haven't been where I need to be. Next to You. Without a look You reach over and hold my hand I grab on so grateful for Your mercy. My heart is so full of love for You. I rest on You and relish the moment of just being with You. I can picture Deb here. She walks toward us through the golden barley that is so crazy high. She gets to our boulder and reaches up her hand, with her beautiful smile beaming. We each grab a hand and hoist her up easily. She sits between us and lets out a deep sigh.